In Retrospect...

[Jayar]

Last night I took the opportunity to read almost 3 years' worth of journal entries I made about my ex. It's amazing how it put our whole relationship (and subsequent break-up) in perspective.

 

He had all the qualities I was looking for as far as superficial compatibility. He didn't smoke, drink, or do drugs. He was a "family guy" and loved dogs. We liked to do the same things, and ate the same toppings on our pizza. But from VERY early on I could see how I wrote about things that I felt would honestly lead to our split.

 

Take, for instance, an entry written just 3 months into our relationship, where I was upset because we couldn't find a NEW place to go (something we hadn't done 10 times already) and I jokingly commented "we go out too much don't we?" to which he responded "a wee bit..." NOT the response you hope for. Something like "nah I love spending time with you, even if we ARE doing the same things over and over" would have been more appropriate for someone who was falling in love with me, don't you think?

 

Or how about the one written 6 months into our relationship. I was upset because I had asked him how he feels about me, and does he at least feel a little more for me than he did at the beginning... To which he responded "I feel the same as I did at the beginning, I guess. I still enjoy spending time with you." I mean who SAYS that?! After 6 months?!

 

Then there was the one written almost a year into our relationship by which time he STILL wasn't calling me his girlfriend. I confided that I feel a little cheap since I am so obviously attracted to him and very sexual in our relationship. To which HE responded "would it make you feel better if I called you my girlfriend?" and I, obviously in shock, said "no... Call me your girlfriend when you FEEL like I'm your girlfriend" To which HE responded "okay."

 

There were a lot of instances I doubted us. Doubted the way he felt, and if he saw a future with me. I learned a lot from this. If I ever doubt again in a relationship I'm gone! Because I know now how it ends up...

 

I'm glad we are not together. I'm completely over the relationship and I don't want it back. If he wants to pursue a friendship I'd be up for that, but in all honesty I don't expect it because he didn't even work too hard at our friendship when we were TOGETHER... Why would he work at it now?

 

What a waste of almost 3 years I will NEVER get back...

[southerngirl]

It sounds like your really making progress. I wouldnt call those three years a waste though, you learned something from this. So now you know in the future what 'flags' you may see that should make you move on.

 

Chin up, theres someone better out there for ya.

[Jayar]

It sounds like your really making progress. I wouldnt call those three years a waste though, you learned something from this. So now you know in the future what 'flags' you may see that should make you move on.

 

Chin up, theres someone better out there for ya.

 

I guess I kinda realize that, but I'm scared. I mean I'm gorgeous, successful, witty, and loyal. I'm gold. I won't have trouble finding DATES (I could probably have a date for every night of the week if I wanted one). I'm just not sure I'll ever find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with. I have, however, learned that I don't want to WASTE time with someone who isn't the one.

 

I want to wait for that person who can't get enough of me, who stays awake to watch me sleep, who will let me lay on his arm even though I am making it numb but he doesn't want to make me move... I want to wait for the one that says to everyone, his parents, his friends, and ME that I am THE ONE!!!

 

I don't want to have doubt.

[southerngirl]

After that length of time there is no rush to move into another relationship. Right now, you are better off being alone. Try to be alone for at least a year. Be happy with yourself and allow time to heal you. Grieve the loss of the relationship. In the end, you will be better for it.

 

Yes, you probally could have a date every night if you chose, but if your not ready, it can do even more harm to you.

 

Also like you said, the right one will come along, and you will know when its time.

[Nick_t]

Jayar,

 

I totally agree with southerngirl

 

My gf has just broken up with me around 3 weeks ago. And the last thing I can imagine at this moment in time is being with anyone else but her, and although I want to meet other girls to take my mind off my gf I know that is completely the wrong thing for me to do right now, because not only is it unfair on the girl I meet it is also unfair on me. Plus I'm not over my ex, so I need a bit of alone time to start to feel comfortable being single again and heal as much as possible. The way I felt before I met my gf 2 years ago.

 

In a way I feel scared too for the same reasons, but I know I will find someone else, or believe what will be will be, even if does mean I rekindle my love with my ex in years to come.

 

The thing is, I use to stay awake and watch my gf fall asleep when she was upset or scared. I use to stroke her hair until she fell asleep, I even did that 3 days after we broke up when her dog was put down, to make sure she was ok. At this moment in time my ex is doing what she needs to do at this moment in life, and I am respecting this. And only time will tell if she will one day wake up and think I want him back, but at this moment in time she is doing what she needs to do to cope with the break up, and this includes smothering her emotions.

 

In the mean time, although i've never hurt so much and do hope she will come back, I can't think like this because I need to get on with my life.

 

Remember one door closes but another one opens. You will know when that special person walks into your life, and it will probably be when you least expect it. In the mean time, look forward to that day because you knw its coming!

[NJRon]

Now that you know that most of your real desires in a relationship center around meeting your needs, and not around the more superficial qualities, now is a good time to review what you really *need* versus what you just *want*.

 

Good luck!

[Orlander]

Ah Jayar, sorry you seem so angry about your ex. Trust me that it wasnt a waste of time. It was a learning experience.

 

We all deserve someone who is head over heels for us. Sometimes people just express themselves differently. The love may be there but he might not have known how to show it or was not showing it like you need. There is a book I recommend that would definitely help for the next time. It's called the Five Love Languages. Do a search and read it. I learned a lot from it about the differences in men and women and in people in general concerning love and how we each have different needs that must be met by our significant others.

 

Still, you are correct...no point in being with someone if they are not willing to put the time and effort in. Good luck.

 

 

Orlander

[Silentlyfor]

Welcome to the club. My ex was the same way.

 

However, don't look at it as a COMPLETE waste. Their is so much you can learn about yourself from this as well. I know I learned a grand lot from my last(and first) relationship. It was hell.... still is. But it's something we all can use as tools for later in our lives.

 

Oh, and I sympathize with the wasted time thing. Coupled with a lot of a lot of emotional abuse, this is one thing in my life that I DO truly regret. Yep... the moment I told my friends, "Fine. I'll call her."

[RayKay]

Hey Jayar,

 

Ah yes, that time of reflection when you see things for what they really were, not what you had wanted them to be....it's good for you to do that.

 

But, it is not a waste of time. Not only is this a chance to learn what red flags to watch out for, and to learn what you really NEED versus what you WANT....but you never know why the universe had you dating this guy. Maybe it was because the right guy you are supposed to meet in the future was still tied up in his own relationship, or maybe it wanted you to be able to see him when you met him....

 

When one door closes, another opens...but take your time and don't rush into dating if you do not feel ready. You'll know it when you are, and be in a much healthier place to make smart, healthy choices when you are.

[NJRon]

Five Love Languages.

 

That's a great book!

[Jayar]

When one door closes, another opens...but take your time and don't rush into dating if you do not feel ready. You'll know it when you are, and be in a much healthier place to make smart, healthy choices when you are.

 

I'm definitely ready to DATE, but not ready for a relationship quite yet... It's an interesting feeling that I've never experienced before. It isn't that I want to date the WRONG guys, but I'm at the point where I want to get out and do things with interesting people and I'm not so bent on making a forever relationship happen with whomever I am seeing at the time. And I think definitely next time if the signs are there I'm going to be in a position to heed them!