Problem with boyfriend and porn... HELP!!!

[LittleItalian]

Hello everyone, I'm new here... I stumbled accross this site while looking for some sort of advice about my problem from an outside source (other than my girlfriends).

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, he's absolutely wonderful and things have been going very well. We rarely argue and never have any serious fights. However, things are currently not going well at all.

 

Our sex life has taken a serious hit (we now have sex about once a month). My computer was broken and I asked him to bring his laptop over so I could use his. As I was typing in the search query, I found that he had been visiting a bunch of porn sites.

 

I know and understand that most guys (not all, but a good number of them) watch porn. I'm not exactly accepting of it, but I can tolerate it... sort of like an unspoken agreement. However, its really bothering me that he's doing this in what seems to be in place of our sex life. I'm not really sure what to do. I asked him about it that night and he told me that the last time that he looked at porn was the week before....

 

The next day, I looked into the history on the computer... and he had done it TWICE the day that I found it...

 

The lying hurts and the fact that he never tries to have sex with me anymore hurts as well... I've brought up our lack of sex plenty of times before and tried as much as I can... I'm just sick of it all...

 

 

Sorry for such a long post... any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!

[WildChild]

Hi, and welcome. I haven't had a chance to post in a while, but came accross your post and it hit home. As many who know me on here will tell ya, I went through the same exact thing you did down to about the same amount of sex (or lack there of) as you, sometimes as much as 2 months The one thing with porn that many may agree with me is this: there are two viewers of porn. One viewer admits it, and shares the experience (for the most part) with their partner. The other type of viewer is similar to your guy and mine. They lie, deny and we cry. Nothing I said made a difference and the more I said something (trying every avenue) the more angrier he got, and the more the lies came out. I started questioning his faithfulness, which looking back now I am glad we are past that because it was driving me crazy. I know when I quit saying anything, things actually got better. I did make it clear under no circumstances was he fooling me when he made wise cracks about not watching porn. I wanted him to know that I might not be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but I certainly am not the dud one either. I also gave him a taste of his own medicine and made it very evident as to what I was doing. As much as he would say he didn't care, there certainly was a difference in his demeanor. I'm not sure if he still does view it, and if so he is completely deletes things out which I guess I would rather have than having it there like a slap in the face.

 

I feel for ya honey, but I can guarantee these things: it is going to kill you if you keep checking the history, and temp files. It is going to kill you even more when you ask and he lies about it. Some people are embarrassed, some people view porn to see things that they would never do with their partner out of respect, and some people view it to pleasure themselves on the side. It is addicting, and people don't always see it that but it is. The more you confront, the more he is going to lie, unless he can truly come to realize the impact it is having on you and the potential impact it is going to have on your relationship, and your sex life. You have to decide what you need. Can you compromise? Can you live with once a month? What can you do to better the situation for yourself?

[romantic sweetheart]

I always reply to posts about this specific problem because I have dealt with it in the past, and it hurts.

 

Like you, I found on my ex-boyfriend's computer evicence of porn. I first found a file of pictures from local college girls posing nude. I then found in his internet history hundreds of adult sites to which he was a member. This was one of the most painful things I went through with a boyfriend.

 

And like you, I felt our romantic life suffered greatly from this. After a year of being together, I no longer felt like he was interested in my physically. And when I discovered all the porn, I felt deeply betrayed.

 

I am going to tell you that it is wrong for a man to lie to a woman about his viewing of porn. If he is upfront about this habit and gives you that honest opportunity to decide what you can and cannot accept, then that is one thing. But if he does not tell you about his habit, that is quite another.

 

The thing is--sexuality and the accompanying morals we have attached to it based on our upbringing and experience--is an important component of a healthy relationship, and honesty is required. Couples need to be direct with one another how they feel about certian issues regarding sexuality--one of these issues is porn. Time and time again, I see women posting on here, obviously upset about their boyfriend's porn habits. And then I conversely see women who do not have a problem with it.

 

Although I personally feel pornography is harmful to all involved, and the easy and private access people have to it these days has made it a serious problem for many families, I do not wish to impose my views on others. I am here to say you must do what is right for you--You must do what your heart feels. You should not try to overcome feelings of hurt and upset just to appease your boyfriend or try to maintain the status quo in your connection.

 

His lying is harmful. His behaviours are hurting you. You have a good reason to feel upset and hurt. Many of us women hope and wish and pray that a man will change his ways if he sees how much they have hurt us, but sadly, this is not always the case. We cannot force anyone to change, but we can change our own actions. We can make choices that help our hearts and souls.

 

If your boyfriend is unwilling to talk with you about this in a mature, caring fashion, then he is not investing any of his emotional self in this relationship, and is instead withdrawing through his passive viewing of porn.

 

I can say stronger words about pornography, but I will stop here. I know many have a different opinion than me. But from my experience, porn causes pain, especially for those of us who have romantic ideas about being a man's sole object of desire and all-consuming passion. I think it is safe to say that most women cherish the idea of being put on a pedastal in this department. And it hurts us when we find a man has been looking at other women in a sexual way. Simply because it is on a computer screen does not make it any less painful to the soul, which sees through a different set of eyes than the mind. The soul tends to see things in the eternal realm, the kind of realm that idealises things, and makes us strive to accomplish our dreams and soft longings.

 

My relationship with the boyfriend who, after awhile, admitted he was addicted to porn, took a hrad hit from that, and eventually ended. I was closer to him in the physcial/emotional heart connection that to anyone, and so I was devestated when I found out how much porn he had been viewing. It's not a light moment for a heart full of love.

 

I hope you can talk with your boyfriend in an open and honest way, and I hope he can find it within himself to listen to you, because he loves you, and that is the reason any of us do what we can to cherish, honour, and lift up our lovers to their greatest heights. I always ask this simple question: in all of our daily experiences, do we involve ourselves in pursuits with the intention of bringing joy to another heart? If we cannot answer "yes" to this question, then someone, somewhere, will be hurting. How can we spend our time? In enriching our minds and hearts, so that we can better love ourselves and those who mean so much to us.

[melrich]

I think for the sake of getting a result you should separate the 2 issues, looking at porn and no sex life.

 

Anything you say to him about looking at porn is like to elicit a lie and get him defensive.

 

You should concentrate on the sex life issue (they are likely linked anyway). A relationship I don't think can survive if there is no intimacy and I think you need to tell your b/f that. He needs to understand that his relationship is in jeopardy. He'll soon put 2 and 2 together.

[LittleItalian]

Thank you both soooo very much!!

 

I cannot begin to explain to you both how refreshing it is to hear an educated, heartfelt response from two women who have both felt these same exact feelings in this same exact situation.

 

I tried posting on other forums and the main response I got was "you are not fulfilling his sexual fantasies because your jugs are obivously not big enough".

 

We've talked a little bit since this happened (this was last Tuesday) and I'm still not sure if he's made some progress or not. He tells me that he wants to do anything he can to re-gain my trust (he's lied about other things in the past such as dropping out of college and most recently, $8000 of credit card debt). He even offered to leave his computer at my apartment so he wouldn't do it anymore. I told him that was absolutely ridiculous and that I'm not going to parent him through this and that we are both adults and that if I'm going to re-build his trust that won't be possible if I have no grounds to do it on.

 

I just really hope that we can work through this because I love him very much and aside from these 3 issues in our relationship, everything is wonderful. He's wonderfully caring and helpful around the house (he takes my trash out for me every morning even though he doesn't live with me), we have a "son" together (our 8 month old puppy) and he's a wonderful "father-figure" for Duke.

 

We get along wonderfully, there is always something for us to talk about and he truly is my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without him. It just hurts more than anything that I can't trust him.

 

He said that he wants to go back to school and finish next semester and that is one thing that I'm the most proud of. He's incredibly intelligent and caring and I just hope that we can get this situation resolved.

 

Thank you.

[handsdown]

I just wanted to say I've been there too girl.

 

Although the my boyfriend and I had a fantastic sex life, I would find he would be looking at porn meer minutes after we had sex. For example, we would have a morning quickie and I would leave for work and his history would say he looked at porn not even half an hour later.

 

It was so upsetting because it made me feel like I was not satisfying him and he had to find other ways. The other thing that bothered me was that although we had a very honest and open relationship, I was too embarrassed to tell him it bothered me and admit that I had been peeping!

 

I came on here and everyone gave me great advice, and I gathered up my courage and told him that I felt that the porn was a replacement for me and made me feel insecure and took a toll on my trust. He hasn't looked at porn since (well aside from whatever he makes up in his head when I'm not around, but that's his business )

 

Just be honest and upfront, don't say, "I don't like the porn", say "I don't like how our sex life has been less than stellar", because that is what the real issue is here. You are perfectly justified to tell him that the porn makes you uncomfortable as well, but don't approach it like it is *the problem. Also, please don't go on not saying anything because he gets upset, he has to accept that honesty is number one and he will have to be honest with you about what's going on.

 

Best of luck!!!

[JimmerJammer]

and see that's what causes these problems. i am not sure of the correlation between pornography and sex, but i question whether the problems that exist between couples and sexuality would still be there whether or not pornography was around/readily available. chances are guys would still be in a state of not being able to pay the sort of attention to their woman as those women would want.

 

it truly is the responsibility of the man to recognize whether or not he's shown as much appreciation for his woman's beauty as well as her being, as required. i mean it seems silly that a woman should have to tell her man that she would like that he pay more attention to her and its even more silly that when that suggestion comes that he gets angry or upset at the request. yet whether this message is conveyed directly or indirectly (moodiness, being closed in, withholding sex, etc.) the man will need to recognize those signs and be able to know what he needs to do.

 

if he can't recognize that then i'm sure all these problems will either be avoided, ignored or will return.

 

so in regards to pornography it sounds like this bf of yours has an attachment to the visual and ejaculatory aspects of it. which is pretty typical, but the problem there is that if the man links that feeling to what sex is like with his gf, i'm sure it'll seem more appealing to him that he go online and look up porno instead of taking time and effort to please his woman. especially in those moments where she appears to be giving her man "problems".

 

if this is the case, its obvious that your bf recognize this. however which way you feel is loving to express this is your choice, but this would be a good time to recognize what pulls him towards porn in the first place. perhaps he's recognized the same lull you have and has turned in to porn because its easier for him than dealing with what to do or facing the problem.

 

and that's why once again we can all say and tell you what we feel is the case and it can go on and on as each person is different and may have different reasons and associations for why they do what they do. it may not even be a case of the guy not loving you, he just may himself recognize that what you "tell" him is something he isn't sure of how to fulfill or please.

[Mr. Stealth]

What can i say.

I lost my girlfriend who i loved most of all by those porn sites.

Yes i know im one of those bad guys but be sure girls, alot of man do it.

But not that many of them admit it.

Its a habbit and addiction we can learn to stop it but you have to give it time.

but it has nothing to do with wanting to cheat on you.

everybody has fantasys even you girls