attracted to a friend,

[justthinking]

Hi everyone,

 

 

I am separated (2 yrs) with kidlets, I have a friend whom I am attracted to. He is married, with children. On the surface, that is the end of the story right there, because I will not do anything to break up a family. I just wont do it.

 

The problem for me is, how do I stop thinking about him in a romantic way? He seems to have gotten under my skin and I don't really know how to stop the lusty imagery that pops up from time to time. Unfortunately I can not just walk away, we are involved in many things together through our kids. We have common interests and we are sincerely friends, there is just this little spark of attraction that keeps distracting me. We speak openly about our families, and offer respects/regards towards them when we see each other, almost as if to remind ourselves to keep our moral compasses straight.

 

We have been on weekend getaways together both with and without our spouses (common large event) and on the event where we went together without our "significant other", we handled it well, staying far away from each other at the night time when it could have gotten dangerous if we found ourselves alone. During the day with lots of people around, we did spend much of our time together, as it was a normal thing for platonic friends to do at this event we ie: swimming, running, shared meals etc. it was very comfortable, and I feel like we specifically treated each other with a guarded distance so as not to blur any lines.

 

I can't apologize for my feelings, I don't seem able to control them, but I do take full responsiblity for my actions. I am in my mid 30's and know enough about myself to choose not to do anything that I will have to feel guilty about, apologize for, or have to make up lies about. I just don't want to do that to myself quite frankly, and suffering though a little crush is far less painful than all the trauma that would erupt if we explored this attraction that has developed.

 

Am I being realistic that I can continue on this way, being responsible, not getting invlolved and riding the storm till the attraction fades away? Are men and women capable of being friends when there is an attraction between them? Or am I just fooling myself that we might just be sitting atop a very slippery slope?

 

 

Thanks kindly for your thoughts!

[Cadence308]

I have to admit that I don't know the answers to your questions. I wanted to commend you for thinking about your actions and how that could impact your family and his. It sounds like the attraction is mutual and he is probably feeling the same emotions that you are. I'm not sure if it's being realistic to continue on in this way. It seems that something is likely to happen from the amount of contact that you have with him. I think if you really want to be safe then you should not spend any alone time with this friend and do not divulge/confide intimate details about your significant other. It also seems like the attraction may get more intense because you are already thinking about it.

[rose2summer]

I agree fully with Bally's here,

 

You should not be entering someone else's marital relationship,

 

That is what you are beginning to do here,

 

By developing an emotional connection to this man,

 

Which is hence going to develop into emotional cheating,

 

And if the emotional cheating further develops, then physical cheating,

 

Keep some space from this man, because he has a wife and kids,

 

Imagine if someone came between your future husband and kids,

 

How would that make you feel?

 

I think it's great that you are trying to consider what is ethical here,

 

And I think you already know your answer,

 

To reduce the emotional thoughts of him and to act ethically,

 

You need to walk away from this guy and keep your encounters, group or just you 2, to a minimum.

 

Good luck!

 

Rose

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Justthinking,

 

You sound like a very thoughtful, sensitive woman, and the only pain going on here is your own (although I think you said that the attraction *could* be reciprocal if either of you were less honourable?).

 

I have a very dear male friend whom I fell for years ago, and managed to work through a lot of these feelings so that I retained the friendship and squashed the attraction. BUT that worked because of a year apart, and also distancing myself from the time we spent together. I understand where you're coming from, and seriously, I would suggest you detach. Focus on *YOUR* life, and get your emotional needs met. Start looking around for other friends/romantic interests (depending on what you feel ready for).

 

A fuller life with different people in it will help to dilute these feelings, so they fade to wistfulness. But I would ease up on the friendship - I don't think you'll do anything, but I do think you're letting yourself in for too much pain. You're too thoughtful and sensitive to endure unreciprocated love; you deserve someone who can return your feelings, and build on that.

 

Take good care of yourself.

[candy604]

personally, if your married, MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE WIFES or ONLY HAVE GIRL FRIENDS, b/c naturally we tend to like someone if we keep seeing them and spending time.

 

It's fine if its couple friends, i.e all the spouses hang out but ur the one that's closer to the wife or gf.

 

Not sure if it's making any sense.

[justthinking]

Well who asked you all anyway?

 

 

 

LOL, I know it, you are 100% correct. I think I wanted to see it in black and white, needed to.

 

Bottom line is this, would I want my husband to have me as a friend, the way I am a friend to this person? No.

 

" I " know, I would not 'do' anything, but that is just a rationalization, wrong is wrong no matter how grey the area.

 

Allright then, somehow I will just turn this darn thing off. And no alone time, gotchya, that's easily done.

 

BTW that is how I wound up here, I was looking for an instant quick fix, pill, book, or transmogrifying machine, to make it all go away without so much freaking yearning, anyone have any suggestions?

 

I like the 'get a life' thing, but I do pretty much do that already, I've lots going on, not bored, don't have time for a relationship anyway so he is the perfect fantasy object,.........he he...........ok STOP it!,........ see? I am utterly hopeless.

 

I suppose I just have to work it out like I have to work everything else out. Time to just work on some songs or something, that always helps. I will keep reading for your words of wisdom, I know many of you think like I do so I am appreciating the gentle wallops over the head.

 

Cheers, all.....

[pinklace]

Justthinking, if it helps, I'm in the same boat, unfortunately. My story differs a lot from yours however, in that I'm still emotionally connected to an ex from years ago. We were in touch some time ago and as 'friends'. And since he re entered my life, I think about him all of the time and as more than a friend. He feels same way about me too, but alas, he's married also.

 

We did the right thing to do and broke off contact, but months later I find myself pining for him and missing him terribly. I often think about getting in touch with him, but then I come to my senses and I don't go through with it.

 

As you say, it's ok for people to say 'get a life', but like you, I have one. I have a good well paid job, go out and socilaise with friends a lot, but still I can't forget him and think of him constantly.

 

What a mess

 

I know how you feel anyway, you aren't alone.

[NJRon]

I'm confused. You're separated for 2 years? When are you planning on moving on with your life? You know.. the part where you are single.. and can date single people?

[candy604]

lol maybe u need to met other men out there. Also probably missing affection and love that's why and since you two friends connect well it's hard ( b/c we like someone if we click and we find attractive). I don't think guys and girls can be best friends.

 

So it's good that you will keep your distance. Don't hang out besides school events. just be more trouble. Your crush will pass soon, hehe just go out and met some single men!

[Rabican]

you got two choices... stop seeing him altogether... which you dont want to do.

 

Or put a lid on your lusty feelings... just try to stop thinking that way, or at the very least make sure you firmly realize the damage that you would cause if you acted on these feelings... and make sure that you dont. ever.

 

Find another man... that might help.

[justthinking]

HI all,

 

Thanks again for telling me exactly what I know to be true, yet still needed to hear.

 

With the swift kick in the butt provided by yourselves I am managing to change my focus.

 

I went out with a couple of pals to play some music the other night, and had some fun, I bravely threw myself back into the world of chatting with interesting fellows, just to get the hang of it all again.

 

Also, I signed up for one of those crazy internet sites and after some emails and phone calls, have an interesting date lined up for next week which actually has me thinking of something other than my friend for a few minutes at a time. A cool distraction at the very least.

 

I'll go look at new guitars today, which is always fun if expensive .

 

Most importantly, I arrived late to a weekly event that we both participate in (where I would usually have arrived early in order to have some time to chat with my friend alone). I also left early, leaving no opportunity to be alone with him there either, I will do so again later this week, and next week and so on.

 

I know this is going to be allright, there is no other option if I am to remain proud of me.

 

Cheers all, thanks for helping me maintain my moral compass.