Could verbal abuse have been the cause of my attachment problems

[lianaadams]

I have had a really bad relationship with my mom since I was really young. She's an asian women born into a rich family and when she got married to my dad, (he's white I will mention why I bring uo their race ltr) she had expectations about having the perfect life,money, cute kids, a highly educated husband, basically living the high life. The only problem with me as her daughter was that I was not thin enough. I remember her getting mad at me when I was 4 because she cldnt fit me into these shorts. She made me go jogging all the time from as young as 6 and once she decided to punish me when I had a friend over by not allowing us to go play till I jumped rope for an hour. Of course, there was also school, she wanted me to get into a class for special kids and when I didn't, she refused to speak to me for a week. I was chubby at various times in my life but never overweight and my grades were above average.

 

Things got bad when I turned 13, I became bulimic for 5 years, my grades fell all the way. I hated school, was withdrawn, and everyday I wld just go straight home, hide under my blanket and cry. I confront her all the time when we fight but she just says I only see the bad stuff. She things she has been the best mother since she always provided for me financially. Along the way my younger sister had lukemia and that's whenmy mom changed. She's a gd parent to her but the damage was already done to me. I refused to get close to my sister because I felt it was my way of getting back at my mom ( she really wanted me to be the ideal older sibling).

 

Today, everything is a mess in my family, there is alot of violence and no one is happy. I'm 23 now and I finally moved out. I feel like I can handle most things but I have a huge problem with romantic relationships. I am extremely posessive and obsessive, when I don't fight with my boyfried it's fine but when we do, I get crazy. I get depressed and I wake up several times at night to check if he's called. When he ignores me I call and message him compulsively my record was 58 calls in a row. I won't stop crying and I can't focus on anything else in my life. The thing is I'm only like this when I think I'm about to loose him. If you met us on a gd day, you would see our relationship as completely normal and I would be this confident and happy person. How to I fix this?

[LoveMatters]

I am not sure if I can link your childhood with your possession and obssession with your boyfriend. However, not only you that obssess with your boyfriend and get crazy when he ignores your call. If he ignores your call again, don't keep calling him, find something else to do to distract your thought from him. Keeping calling him that much might make the situation worse. Try to be happy with yourself and your relationship will be better.

[OceanEyes]

I'm no psychologist, but the childhood you had are obviously [at least somewhat] responsible for your current issues. I mean, that's just good, old-fashioned common sense.

 

I don't see you getting through all of this on your own. I think you may need a completely objective and impartial ear to hear your troubles - like a professional.

 

What concerns me is that you say you have "no control". That must not be a pleasant feeling, and will probably only get worse if you don't deal head-on with it. I really recommend seeking therapy.

 

I'm not sure how much comfort this will be to you, but your mother sounds like she has some issues of her own. It's also possible that she passed on her mother's expectations, characteristics, and issues to you. The difference between you and your mother is that you've been brought up in a different time (and ultimately, are probably more willing to change these patterns of behaviour).

 

If I was in your position, I would completely avoid my mother until I had a better understanding of my own life first. I think that if you have constant contact with her, or allow her to 'get into your head' while you're trying to heal, it will do you absolutely no good. Take care of YOU for now. You do not owe her anything right now but to be as healthy as you possibly can - and now is the time to do something about that. Hopefully you do.

[OceanEyes]

I am not sure if I can link your childhood with your possession and obssession with your boyfriend.

 

I can understand why you would think that, but having a dominating, cold person as a parent can really ride a person off the rails in their adult life.

 

If you've found a love that makes you feel good for the first time in your life, you're bound to hold on tightly. Sometimes dangerously.

[lianaadams]

My family is pretty messed up, I don't want to start talking about my dad too but basically he was physically there but mentally and emotionally not. I'm not just not close to anyone in my family, the relationships I have are angry and aggressive and tht's why I left. Loyalty and passion are very important to me and I see none of the values and principles in my family. I'm ashamed of them and I always keep them away from things I hold dear. If I have have children, they will nv get to come close to them. I just think that the reason why I'm so clingy and insecure is because I feel the only real relationship I have is the one with my bf. I have great friends but they don't fill that void.

Being with this guy introduced me to what it was like to really be loved, it was at this time that I stopped being bulimic. The relationship is far from perfect but there is real love. I just want to know how to control my self when we fight, I feel like a crazy person, it's all panic and fear. Like I'm losing hold of the only thing person I have and that just cannot happen. It gets so bad that I say awful things to him, hoping that if he doesnt respond to my calls he will at least respond if I attack him. I've always been afraid of losing ppl as a kid, I'd be afriad to watch my parents cross the road cause I'd think a car wld knock them over and you should have seen my first day at school, the teachers were holding on to my legs trying trying to pull me away cause I was holding on to my mom like life depended on it. Now, i've transfered all of that to my boyfriend. I remember being really emotionally protective and attached to my parents as a child, but they had little of the same to give in return. Now, I'm just trying to find a way to fix me so I can make the next part of my life work.

[allzwell]

In my opinion, and remember it is just an opinion, you are searching for acceptance and when you don't get it you go crazy. I think your situation, unfortunately, is common with most people that have lived in that environment.

 

The sooner you can come to grips with why you do the things you do and fill the void, the sooner you can move on. The longer it goes, the more damage you will bring into your life. You will lose your boyfriend and many other relationships and it will be harder to heal.

 

Your mom finally came around. That is a good thing. Some people never learn and she may have had this growing up and projected it on to you. The pattern continues and will continue with you when you have kids if you don't consciously put a stop to it. You will repeat what you hate - even though that doesn't make sense probably.

 

Your mother is wanting your acceptance now. She probably exhausted a ton of energy into you, even though the wrong way, she invested much of herself. She knows she can't go back and probably wishes she could. Even though there is much bitterness, if you two could keep from attacking each other and communicate, you may have a lot in common. Her actions you spoke of are wrong and I don't know if she has expressed remorse for that or not? Hopefully there was some good in the relationship too? maybe clouded by all the hurt and pain???

 

If your sister is still living, it is not fair for dysfunction between your mom and yourself to damage your relationship with her. By hurting your mom, you are losing a sister and she is losing you.

 

I think it is good you have moved out. At 23 you are old enough and need clarity. You need to get into counseling immediately to understand why you are being obsessive. I think you are perfectly normal with what you have explained. Even with this little of information and not being a professional, I think you have said enough to know you need support and guidance for your future relationships to work out. If there is violence and pain in your family, everyone needs counseling. If they won't get it, you get it anyway for yourself and your future.

 

Good Luck, I respect the fact you are digging for help with these problems. Cowards don't get help, and you have made a huge step forward acknowledging you have a problem even though it resulted from things out of your control.

[allzwell]

(Along the way my younger sister had lukemia and that's whenmy mom changed. )

 

I may have not read into this correctly. Do either one of your parents seem to have feelings of wanting things better between all of you?

 

If they don't, I completely agree with OceanEyes to stay completely away and get help for yourself. Do either one of them support you? feel all of you need help??? That is a factor to me....

[lianaadams]

No one wants to get anything fixed because they're so selfish and preoccupied with their own Mod edit>. Everyone just lives and accepts the mess they've created for themselves. My mom's behaviour changed when my sis got sick (she's been healthy for a long time now) but not because she thinks she's wrong but more so because she was worn out. My mom is willing to have a relationship with me but she knows I hate her and she won't admit to being wrong, I don't see the point in tht. I can't be close to my sister because she's close with my mother, I've always treated ppl who were close to my mom very badly, her friends relatives and my sister. I don't trust anything that's associated with her. I want normality and healthy relationships in my life now but I don't think I know what is or how to have one.

[lianaadams]

Also, the reason why I mentioned my mom's ethnic background is because asian's believe in that you have to beat kids in order to displine them. She was born raised in HK. My dad on the other hand has a sink or swim attitude. He let's us suffer our own mistakes. I don't mean to be lengthy but I want to put out all the details and things I find wrong or dysfucntional. The worst beating I got was when I was 7 and I went to a friends place till 10 at night without tellin anyone and my mom was expecting me home from school a few hours earlier. She made me strip to my undies and stand on a chair and she whiped me several times with a belt. This is a one time event, usually it was just chasing my brother and I down with a hanger or something like that, but I don't think I'd ever do that to a kid regardless. I always saw beatings as normal but I'm sure it's not okay to have grown up with it.

[Fallout]

beatings are total bs, instead of having your kid love you and have confidence in you you'll only get fear from the kid...and it's not about asian culture, those things happen in every country I believe more than people suspect..it affects everyone differently I know an emotionally/phisically abusive father it's part of the reason I'm so fed up...if I were u I would have no more contact with your mother she doesn't deserve you at all...

[allzwell]

I hope you get counseling. You have every reason to go. The anger manifested inside you will come out in a multitude of ways. Your health, relationships, jobs etc. will all suffer from this.

 

Being 23 you have a real chance of finding peace of mind and contentment while you are young if you act now. The way things are, the percentages of you having a functional relationship is slim to none. Work on you now so you don't let the next 23 years be a repeat of the last 23.

 

Again, I admire you for reaching out. You deserve it, just don't stop on these posts. We are just regular people giving advice. You need a professional that deals with this every day. You've started the process hun, keep up the good work. I will keep you in my prayers, I promise, so remember that when you are feeling lonely . ---Make that appointment.

[nottoogreen]

Hi lianaadams,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

My mom albeit European has similar traits as your mom, she abused me a lot, also physically. I moved to HK age 23 and lived in HK for a long time and my 1st wife was from HK and besides being raped age 9 by an uncle - duly covered up of course -, was treated similar to you. HK is a very high pressure place. Overcrouded, most people think money first and a big face is important to many. Child abuse and neglect is more common in HK, much more so than is other parts of Asia, whereas big cities bring big-city pressures everywhere including worse treatment of children.

 

To answer your question her is my experience about depression on ENA.

... I have not seen one depressed poster on eNotAlone without serious imbalances in their life. I can not recall any one poster with major depression without a history of one or more of the following. The list is in order of prevalence.

1. Abusive parents
   
2. Broken families
   
3. Sexual abuse
   
4. Living with a depressed person
   
5. Overcontrolling parents
   
6. Neglect by parents
   
7. Abusive partners
   
8. Ridicule, bullying
   
9. Fashion - can't accept ones body
   
10. Lack of understanding by others > loneliness
    
11. Physical health, accidents, disfigurement
    
12. Over-expectations > foolishness, job loss, loss of a loved one. - quite rare actually.
    

Sure, genetics plays a role, some people are sick easier than others but our brains are way to well evolved to be messed up like that.

...

About relationship issues, my 1st wife and I had similar issues as you. Easy-attachment, possessive, agitatable, in short not much fun.

 

I suggest you seek counseling and forgive the past and all regrets, let it go and let it be.

 

If you have questions or need help, just ask.

[lianaadams]

Seeing a psychologist cost alot, how does one do that on top of paying for college fees and rent. I saw a neurologist quite sometime ago for my bulimia and it cost almost 200 bucks a session including medication (prozac). I mean I live outside the U.S now and the only option really is to walk into a hospital and see a professional.

[nottoogreen]

OK, please read this carefully. I hope it will help you.

 

If you have questions or need help, just ask.

[allzwell]

To my knowledge, all churches have some sort of free couselors that work with people. That might be a start.

 

I do know it is expensive and yet it is extremely expensive not to do also. Even if you found someone, you might call them and tell them your situation and see if there is something you could work out. Alot of times, even in the church situation - they may know somebody, .. who knows somebody who is a professional that donates their time as their ministry...

 

Start digging to find out. You are worth it and deserve it. One lead will lead you to another and so on. It make take some time but anything worth while takes time, so whatever you do, Don't Give Up!!! Hang in there and do this for yourself and your future family.