There maybe laws that apply...

[river dog]

This subject of Getting Back Together and the NC that I have been in for 4 weeks has allowed me time to really get to grips with some things going on in my head.

 

So I have been looking for some "rules" that could apply before, during and after a relationship. They are always there, but sometimes they are more so.

 

These tenets I have learned from this forum, my own experience and many other sources. They are in no particular order and they are weighted towards the dumped.

 

They are not a recipe for "getting them back" but may avert the complete implosion of a relationship. Nor is it "self-improvement", "just get over it", "plenty of fish" kind of stuff. Let me know.

 

These are tenets I hold to be self-evident:

 

1. "Moving away increases your value" - the less available the item, the more attractive that item appears. Works both ways.

2. "Fear of loss" - You fear the future without them. That fear gives them great power over you.

3. "People are motivated by their own reasons, not yours" - if you are not motivating them, someone or something else is.

4. "Your sense of your own value is always apparent" - how you look, how you act, how you sound, they will all betray you.

5. "If you do not appear to value yourself highly, few others will value you"

6. "Dismissing the winner" - if you cannot have them, yet someone else can, you dismiss them as a "loser" when in fact, you are the loser.

7. "Jealously" - if they discard you but someone else retrieves you, they may reconsider your value.

8. "Status" – we respect the opinion of a powerful person over that of a weak one.

9. "Reward" - if every interaction rewards you in some small way, you go back for more.

10. "Compliments" - we will always respond favourably to being personally complimented.

11. "Misery finds few companions" - we really do not want to hang around miserable people.

12. "Patience is a virtue" - things always go slower than you want.

13. "We like those who like us" - similar to reward and compliments. Be pleased to see someone and they will like you more.

14. "Face down the competition" - they have their faults. You can be better, stronger and wiser.

15. "Sow good seeds" – small, good things that will grow.

16. "Withdraw" - like moving away but used in smaller amounts and more often. Don't answer all phone calls, do not return all texts etc.

17. "Do not be too available" - availability means you have nothing else of value to be doing.

18. "Be busy" - others will value your time more.

19, "Surprise" - if you act, surprise them. Their true nature will be apparent.

20. "Location" - if you act, it should be on ground that serves your purpose, not theirs.

21. "Timing" - as in everything, timing is critical. Tuesday night is better than Saturday night; less competition for their attention.

22. "Be consistent" - there is no withdrawal or surprise without consistency.

23. "Be the prize" - for that is what you are.

24. "You cannot change their mind, only they can do that" - once someone has made a commitment to themselves, it is very hard for them to go back on it.

25. "They had time to get used to the idea" - they will have been thinking about dumping you for a while. This is why they are often dating soon after.

26. "Girls just want to have fun" - so be fun.

27. "Techno talk is cheap" - texts, emails, IM are all cheap and too easy. Write a letter, use the phone, or in person.

28. "Actions speak volumes" - whatever your thoughts, they are nothing without action.

29. "The altar of the rejected" - to everyone else they are just another person, to you they are walking gods.

30. "Be unpredicatable" – or be boring.

31. "Find their motivation" - what did they respond to? Usually the opposite of what made them dump you.

32. "Be part of the solution, not the problem" - if you know their motivation.

33. "Better to be nowhere than in the wrong place" - if you have no plan, plan to be somewhere else.

34. "Know when to give up" - if you are spinning your wheels, admit it and stop.

35. "Get the ball" - You only have the ball if they give it to you.

36. "No ball, no game" - if they will not give you the ball back, you are not in the game.

37. "Stay sober" - you need a clear head and substances will depress you.

38. "They do not see themselves as you do" - beware the fantasy, they are human, just like you.

39. "Aspirations kill love" - love them just for who they are, or lose them.

40. "Disrupt" - people tend to tell the truth when off-balance.

41. "Talking about it [the relationship] with them gets you nowhere" – might as well take a spade into the hole with you and keep digging.

42. "Women never forget" - seriously, they never do. So make memories of you good ones.

43. "Game Over" - how daft would you look trying to play tennis on your own? A few in the dwindling crowd might get a laugh though.

44. "Friendzone sucks" - this is where you have not withdrawn. No boundaries. You alleviate their guilt so they can go date.

45. "Set boundaries" - make sure they know what they cannot do, ever again. This is your self-respect and they will respect you for it.

46. "Don't seek closure" – don't ask "that's it then?" or it probably will be.

47. "Do not stalk" – get therapy, not a restraining order. Even texting can be harassment.

48. "Information through third parties is unreliable" - which ever way it sounds, it's probably not what you think.

49. "Selective listening" - hear it all, not just what you want to hear.

50. "Look for big things from them" – how did the little things they do gain such importance?

51. "Pay attention to their actions, not their words." - Stop analyzing every conversation for that glimmer of hope, instead look at their behavior towards you. [from Gator]

 

 

My advice is "fake it until you make it". This is very powerful and self-asserting. The more you practise something, the better you get at it. It is not a game.

[rose2summer]

RD,

 

That's an excellent post,

 

Thank you for sharing it,

 

I am sure that those undergoing a breakup,

 

Will benefit greatly from your top 50 list,

 

Cheers!

 

Rose

[whatthehell]

Great post RD.

[Gator]

I like it RD. I like it a lot.

 

I'd like to add one:

 

51. "Pay attention to their actions, not their words." - Stop analyzing every conversation for that glimmer of hope, instead look at their behavior towards you.

[river dog]

I like it RD. I like it a lot.

 

I'd like to add one:

 

51. "Pay attention to their actions, not their words." - Stop analyzing every conversation for that glimmer of hope, instead look at their behavior towards you.

 

Added - sort of what I meant by 50. but it's in.

 

Anyone else got a gem?

[rose2summer]

I love this line!

 

My advice is "fake it until you make it". This is very powerful and self-asserting. The more you practise something, the better you get at it.

 

It's so true ~ if you keep telling yourself that you are over your ex,

 

You will get over them so much faster,

 

And it works like a charm,

 

Lucky charms that is!!!

 

Our minds are very plastic,

 

We can convince our mind what to think,

 

And with time, adapt to those thoughts,

 

And accept them as our own.

 

Rose

[majord23]

Great post RD.

 

A statement that I have used before and helps when thinking of trying to persuade an ex to come back:

 

True love doesn't need convincing...true love knows.

[Gator]

True love doesn't need convincing...true love knows.

 

 

It's funny, back when I was in reactionary mode and made ALL the mistakes, I was basically trying to convince my ex why we could work things out. In the back of my mind though, I thought what if she is convinced and wants to work things out? Won't I resent her for bringing me to this? Who wants to be with someone you have to persuade to come back?

 

20/20 in hindsight

[Mstyiyd]

Have no great insights today, I'm kinda tired but it's a great post, and I'm going to bookmark it so I can refer back to it.

 

Alot of it rings true for me!

4 months, NC, still hurting bad, but moving forward. And I didnt even call on her bday the other day!

[river dog]

Have no great insights today, I'm kinda tired but it's a great post, and I'm going to bookmark it so I can refer back to it.

 

Alot of it rings true for me!

4 months, NC, still hurting bad, but moving forward. And I didnt even call on her bday the other day!

 

Ahh, I nearly texted her tonight, and no excuses - after all that great advice of mine. But what could I possibly say? I didn't, so I guess I get to not do it for another day?

 

Man, I wish I could get her out of my head. What is it with this unfinished business we get stuck with?

 

She doesn't care right now, after all her words. Cheap, easy to say words that dilute such a noble thing.

 

Sheesh, I dunno.