Time to move on..

[Silentlyfor]

I really need to stay on bored guys. I broke down in front of my best friend yesterday talking about what I miss about her and about the emotional abuse of the relationship. This is one of the hardest days of my grief. I didn't even shower before I came to work today. I'm so depressed.

[LONESOUL]

Red, I follow your posts some...you are like the rest of us, up, and then down.

Maybe you needed to break down yesterday, and get it out. My relationship was also emotionally abusive so I totally understand what you may be talking about there. (of course every one is different, but) It's hard coming out of that. I have been left with so many "self worth" issues. (before this realtionship I had some, but not like this, nothing like this.) You must take care of you. It is the most basic rule right now. Shower, brush your teeth, take any and all meds (if that applies) excercise, because excercise is the bodies natural way of fighting depression..(and it makes you look and feel better for the next partner on down the line) Eat right. Get dressed, and if you find yourself wallowing around in your pj's on your day off, then shower and get dressed even if it is to sit around. (chances are if you do that you won't want to just sit in the house anyway) You must take care of you, you must you must. I hope your friend was sympathetic, if not I feel they should have been. What you have been through and are going through is difficult, but not impossible. Take good care

Lone

[LONESOUL]

Oh and Redmag22 I forgot to say

STAY ON THIS TRAIN!

[From_Mars]

Hey I'll hop on. Broke up just a few days ago... tough times at the moment.

 

My case is like many othes I'm sure; LDR, she couldn't take it anymore. The distance didn't allow her to gain the confidence she needed in the relationship to take it to the next level. We'd been apart too long and too many things weren't being done right in order for her to be comfortable making a life-altering choice just so we can stay together. In the end, it wasn't worth it for her... not right now anyway. They claim they still love you, but the feeling seems distant and they no longer have the urge to act on it. They just need to be alone, to figure themselves out.

 

Umm. Ok?

 

I think ultimately what gets to me is the relentless search for the answer to the question: why? It's strange because you know that in the end, there really isn't an answer. There is no easy solution, but we still search in vain for it. The pain I think we all feel is a combination of a sense of loss, regret, anger, but ultimately detachment. From what I've read, most of the people on this message board are loyal and steadfast. Unfortunately, I think it's these qualities that are causing us the pain we all feel right now. The dumpee is always the one who, at the time, was ready to stick it out, thick or thin. I know that for myself, I like being in a steady relationship. I am comforted by the fact I have assured companionship and when someone becomes a vessel for all of your intimate emotional expression, it's very difficult to turn off that tap. I think, and hope, that it's completely natural to freak out, sob, punch holes in your wall, have the urge to write emails that don't make sense, text message etc etc. Essentially, it's like breaking an addiction (this site should just be called Relationships Anonymous or something).

 

But guys, whatever your situation is, whatever the reason might be that your significant other 'just couldn't do it anymore', it doesn't matter. I mean, pretend someone contracted a disease that will physically disable them if left untreated. To combat it, they need to commit to consistent physiotherapy and diets. If that person spent all their energy trying to find the cause of the disease instead of fighting the effects, they'd wake up one day and realize that if they'd only focused on the right things, maybe they wouldn't be in a wheelchair with no hope of getting up again. You know what I mean? Of course, I'm sure we all know this in the back of our minds, but it doesn't make the pain go away. The only thing that will take the pain away is time. NC is important because it gives you time to go through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining and depression aren't pleasant things, but we need to go through them. We need to get pissed off at them and we need to try to reason it out... we need to go through the whole, "but maybe if I just do this... they'll come back' business because we need to understand that none of it will work. You need to be slapped in the face and taught those cruel life lessons and sob over them and mope around your house because that's the only way acceptance will come. You have to let this stuff happen to you, but at the same time you need to make an active effort to get out of the cycle. If you only ever focus on why it happened instead of 'it happened... now what?', you'll just drag yourself through a lot of unnecessary bulls**t.

 

I don't know. I just try to realize that this person didn't 'complete me'. My life isn't a Jerry Maguire movie. If you are wandering around worrying that there's no way you can go back to being 'just half a person' again... you're taking romance stories too much to heart. These things aren't real life. Don't get me wrong... I definitely feel like a part of me is gone, but really I think it's more accurate to define it like 'this person is so familiar that life doesn't seem normal without them'. Guys, spend your time trying to understand that if you are feeling totally lost without this person, you've put too much emphasis on their importance in your lives. Realize that you've got your own path to make and your relationship with your girl/guy was more or less because you merged onto life's freeway alongside them for a while. Sometimes you might be going to the same place in the end, sometimes someone will take a turn off earlier than you expected. Just know that you never need someone else to complete you... that's not what true love is about. True love is the realization of a connection between each other and both have decided it's worth taking the risk for; worth fighting for through all obstacles. But ultimately its a two way street. Just hold tight to the knowledge that there is someone out there that will connect with you the way you need to be connected with. There are 6.5+ BILLION people in the world. That's a lot of F-ing zero's, people. I think the odds are pretty in favor of us.

 

Sorry...this was long.

[LONESOUL]

From Mars! Welcome aboard! I agree with mbinsf, you made a good post.

Lots to think about. I think your are doing very well. These times are tough

but you have the right idea I think! Welcome again.

[ScreenagerX]

I don't really know what I'm doing apart from torturing myself.

 

My sister had a baby so I text my ex to let her know. Then she asks me if I'm ok. I replied that I was dealing with it but it was obviously another thing I had to bring up with my counsellor. I also said I was waiting for it to start getting easier but that life goes on. To which she replied 'it does, we made the decision together remember and life does go on & get better'. I burst into tears (at work no less) right after reading this. Life is obviously moving on for her, she has someone new now.

 

So I started thinking about what would happen if we got back together (even though I know there is no chance of it). Of course I remembered all the good things & watered down all the bad things. I'll get there. I'm hoping to have a good day today, its Friday & I have a busy weekend ahead.

[LONESOUL]

Spader~it's hard when you are still in contact. Have you tried going NC?

My healing honestly did not even begin until I did that. It does feel like torture, hearing these things and feeling these thing that hurt us so deeply.

Good to hear you have a busy weekend planned, that should help you some to keep your mind off of her! Work on you, and try instead of thinking about what would happen if the two of you got back together, to think of what the next woman will be like that you become interested in, and about the things you would like to do together with her. It's hard I know, but we can do this.

Take good care

Lone

[ScreenagerX]

Spader~it's hard when you are still in contact. Have you tried going NC?

 

I guess I should have explained that we have a daughter together so NC is not an option. Have been trying to stick with LC but unfortunately suffered from a short bout of lack of willpower.

 

Thanks anyway though Lone

[LONESOUL]

Ah yes, a child makes NC not possible. Is there anyway you think you could

limit the contact to things which deal directly with the child only? We that cause things to be more difficult on the child, because we sure wouldn't want that. I know this is tough, maybe at least now you know that right now you are very sensitive to the things she says and make sure sure you are in a safe place (like home and not work) when you speak and maybe have someone (a friend or sibling...) with you for support? Just suggestions, but the main thing is that the focus does need to be on you. I'm sure some of the other poster here with small children could help with some advise on that, my ex has a son but he is 17 so it's really not an issue for me in THAT way. (still an issue but not for those reasons) Take good care

Lone

[ScreenagerX]

I've just been thinking about smoking (as you do when your trying to give up) & realised that I've been kidding myself as to why I want to give up in the first place. Its not because I want to, its not for a new potential partner, its not for health, its not for my daughter.........its to have one up over my ex-wife. So of course I'm thinking now that this is an incredibly flawed reason for quitting. She doesn't care if I smoke or not. I've always known that she will quit one day but I wanted to quit before her, so I'm better than her. I can't believe how ridiculous this all is. I am such a fool.

[ScreenagerX]

Who cares why you quit originally, stay quit for lots of other reasons!

 

Your probably right. Its just a crutch I could do with right now.

[LONESOUL]

I quit 5 months ago...I'm with mbinsf on this, hang in there, a cig is not

going to change anything, but if you can stay a non smoker, (keep your quit)

that might help boost your self esteem. NOTHING is about your ex, it's about YOU, right? Take good care

Lone

[desertnomad]

This holiday weekend gonna be tough for me and the move on train. It will be a year since me and the ex and her daughter took our first day trip to Sedona which is not to far from where I live. It was such a fun day and I was about the happiest I can remember. She was happy to or so it seemed. I cant believe its been a year already. God I would have never believed a year later I would be sitting here alone with so much pain. and her several months gone. Seems like in my life the happy times always disappear and go back to being alone. I have been missing her something awful this past week I dont know why. It is hard for me to comprehend still her throwing everything we had away and partly for a relationship that appears to maybe have ended already. I am trying to stay focused on the fact that shes the one that left and was unfaithful and dishonest that is why we are not together. Hope everyone is doing ok today.

[chattymcchatterson]

Hang in there. There will be certain times and certain events that will trigger your pain. These too shall pass. Try to develop some new memories with friends/family/new people.

 

I am new here and it may not be any of my business but is it possible you have a clinical depression. I am not a big advocate of drugs, but they helped me when I was going through a particularly harsh time a number of years ago. I stayed on them for abou 9 months. They helped me see things a bit clearer. I hadnt even realized I was seeing everything through this veil of depression that was on me. The drugs lifted that for me and I was able to picture my future clearly. That helped me move on.

[LONESOUL]

Yeah, the holiday has me feeling a little strange too Desert..I figure the best

way to deal with it is the same way I have dealt with just about everything

else concerning this, I will allow myself to get sad for a little bit, then I will get mad because I am allowing ANYTHING about her to get me upset, and then I will give myself the ole "crying in your beer lecture" (see TBD's post the other day on this thread) and I will find something, something to do with

my mind other than sit around sulking. The thing is, I have wasted so much time being unhappy. I was unhappy when I was with my ex because my ex is such a selfish person. We had good times, do not get me worng, some of the best times I have EVER had were with my ex. But we had bad times too and

some of the WORST times in my life were with my ex as well!! Those are what I am teaching myself to think about, when I think about it all.

Right now ~I just want to get to the point where I am

happy with myself.

[LONESOUL]

Welcome Chattymcchatterson~wow what a name you have there!

[desertnomad]

Yeah same here Lone my best times I had were with my ex and some of my worst times were with my ex. I dont know but at this point I pretty much think all people (and in my case women) stink. I mean what are they looking for? I was working so hard here to build a foundation for us to buy a home and have a future and my ex just pissed it all away. My exwife though she would have never left me ( a trait I realize should not be easily overlooked nowadays) acted like I never did enough for her or us even though I worked my * * * of. I mean I am honest, caring, committed and loyal. I have a masters degree (even though I dont make alot of money right now)and will work my * * * off to improve our life. I took my ex places she had never even heard of and we had great fun. But its always like oh my god wait...hes not perfect. He has his flaws and they can be...so annoying some times. Then they start to look around for the next best thing or treat you like your less than them because you are oh so imperfect. Am I sounding cynical? I know I am. None of us deserved this s**t but then if being imperfect is gonna get you rejected because people can only accept the best of you whats the point in even trying? I am ten times the person I was 10 years ago but...I am still the same person. So why bother to improve? You just end up with nothing in the end anyways. I guess it does pass the time. My ex didnt appear to be selfish on the surface but only a selfish person inside could have done what she did. She was being so giving so that in her mind she could justify anything she did because she had 'given her all' Thats not being giving thats just keeping score. Sometimes I miss her like this morning I looked on the bed for the towel and thought is that my shower towel or is it hers? Then I realized what I had thought and it was real tough. I am tired of being back at Square One all the time.

[LONESOUL]

You don't have nothing Desert, you said it yourself, you are 10 times the person you were 10 years ago. You have become a better man, and this lesson (although it is unfortunate that you like the rest of us will have to learn it through pain) will make you all the better for the next woman. What if the next woman is really perfect for you man? What if she just is, without the

crazy fighting, or the nagging, or the fear that she will leave you. What if the best times are still to come but you can't find that out because you are stuck in this place in your head and your heart? What if she really digs who you are and what you have done with your life, and asks for nothing in return, but that you return her love? Do not cheat yourself because you cannot see the forest for the trees! I know it hurt and I know the roller coaster of emotion that keeps you reeling and spinning up and down, but it gets better...it does. What have you done for YOU this week?

[desertnomad]

I know your right LS. It is hard to see the forest for the trees when 10+years of effort between two women all ended up in nothing. I have yet to meet a woman who asks for nothing in return except that I return her love. That would be pretty amazing to find. I just dont think its out there. I loved my ex to death and she never returned that. Only in some functional way but never in a real emotional way. I hope the best times are yet to come and I hope I can get unstuck from this place I am at. Why dont they teach these 'lessons' in the classroom it would be so much less painful? Thanks LS

[Deputyrandee]

As I read your comments it seems that you are reading my mind. I have been on a NC status with my ex for exactly 5 days. Our relationship lasted 6.5 years. He gave me the talk about working on himself, but I recently heard from a friend that he is searching for women on the internet. Initially I believed his story about working on himself as far fetched as it was but now I understand that he just wants to date other women and didnt have the heart to tell me that. But life goes on....This too will pass......

[GuitarmanIII]

Hey Guys, I wish I was at your stage. I haven't had a proper sleep in weeks and am having a hard time concentrating at work...

I wake up very early. 3/4/5am and can't fall asleep again due to anxiety. Do you guys have thgis problem?

Everywhere I turn things and other girls remind me of her.

Feels like I'm going nuts. I can't stand her being with someone else...ahhh!

...Searching for piece of mind

[Pegasus]

Hi GuitarmanIII,

 

it's nothing to worry about. I was going through this stage first few weeks. It will get a bit better soon with your sleep.

[desertnomad]

Hi Guitarman, Welcome aboard. Yeah I had those same problems. I lost 35 lbs. in 5 weeks cause I couldnt eat a thing. but the apetite will come back I guarantee you that. Although some days I still dont feel like eating. Sleeping is another thing that is affected. For me I would sleep but not very good and would wake up alot and never feel rested. Fortunately for me I did not dream about my ex at all. Why that is this time I just dont know. Maybe someone up there having a little mercy on me. About the going nuts thing...yeah I felt like I just wanted to jump out of my skin many times. I just couldnt accept what had happened and after two months it is still hard some moments although I dont feel quite as crazy now about it just generally sad. My ex left to be with someone else for the summer although she is not with him right now anymore. It made me angry to think she was with someone else and that kind of carried me along some hours in the day. I mean if she could just leave me after 4 years and hook up with someone else in another state right away what does that say for who she is? But I was more upset that she just wasnt with me not that she was with someone else. I thought we had a lifetime together. We are both in our thirties and I expected her to be my family forever. Aint it funny and sad when you find out how wrong you can be?

[danman4968]

I am not sure where i am at, but i am fighting myself, and fighting my emotions... its quite confusing actually. One day i honestly could care less, ill go hang out with friends and be myself, but a few days later im not eating much and having trouble sleeping for 3 or 4 days straight, im not really sure whats going on. But i know whats right and ill keep striving to do it.

[desertnomad]

Welcome to ena also deputyrandee. yeah my ex said she needed to have 'me' time right now and to find herself. Of course she didnt know I knew she left with someone else and was there most of the summer. I guess theres another definition of me time I didnt know about. Its pretty much the same as your ex saying he needed time to work on himself. Its all a bunch of filler. Like when they say they will always be your friend or buddy or care about you or say a little prayer for you everyday like my ex of 4 years told me in her goodbye letter. Your right they are just being 'nice'.