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My recent exgf, was abused physically/sexually/emotionally throughout her childhood. Her step father (her sisters dad, who is still in both their lives), molested her when she was 8. Her mother ended up finding out, and stayed with the loser because "She was pregnant and had no where else to go".


My gf was taken out of the house, until her step father was removed from the situation. Her mother stayed with this for 5 years after. My ex has a 3 inch scar accross her face, from her father pushing her into a table as a child. She watched him beat her mother daily.


Her mother to this day, still dates these type of losers, 3-4 at a time. Has them around her 10 yr old daugther. My ex who is 18, was in a very abusive relationship before me, she ended up having to get a restraining order. But told me I was the first guy she had been with who didn't abuse her in anyway.


It's so hard to understand, because this girl is absolutely gorgeous, and has always dated these complete losers. We broke up because of location issues, but the year we were together she'd break down on occasion, tell me about her father, how her mother just let it happen etc.


Told me I made her realize how beautiful she is, and she hadn't felt that "whole" as a person since she met me. I don't get it.


Her step father still comes around, and even tho when he's not around she cries about it, she still calls him daddy, it makes me sick to my stomache. When I ask her why she does this she'll say "What he did hurt me, but he was there for me when my mother wasn't" ???


I realize all this abuse has completely messed up her train of thought. But she really thinks these people care about her. Although her mother doesn't hit her, she emotionally abuses her in plain view, and its like she doesn't even see it. She just brushes it off and says 'She's always been like that'. I used to live there, and her mother wouldn't do it as much with me around, because she knew I'd lay into her. But when I was at work, she constantly talked down upon me, for no reason at all.


It's like her mother was mad that her daughter was happy with a GOOD guy, and she wasn't. Like if her mothers not happy, her daughter shouldn't be either.


Why do people let others do this to them? And where is the point of breaking, and realizing all this?

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It's funny you say that, because she had said that to me before. She told me her ex threw her up against a locker at school for talking to a guy. And I asked why she would stick around with someone like that, and she said 'I figured he did it because he loved me".


She is also bi-polar, and we have gotten into a couple heated arguments, me ending up just walking away from the situation, cuz she turns into someone I don't know. And shed follow me around, IN my face, almost trying to start something else.


We were drinking another night, got into a stupid argument, I called her a B1tch, and walked away. She literally chased me down the hallway, and when I turned around, slapped me. Not some little girl slap either, she might as well of punched me closed fist. I said that was it, started packing my stuff, and she came in, on her hands and knees, hysterically crying apologizing.


I sat down with her, we talked, and she told me she gets this "tunnel" vision. That she has been like that since she was little, and that it's almost like she's outside of her body looking in. I'm guessing it's caused by her abuse. She knows she needs help, and was going to get it when she was living with me. Things happened (long story). we broke up. She's not living with her mother, and they feed off eachother.


Her mother told her a week before her 18th birthday "I can't wait til you're 18 so I can knock you out". Sure enough, 2 days after her 18th, her mother kicked her out.


It's a poisonous situation, and it sucks I can't do anything about it. Her own aunt called me telling me she wished she would just get out of that inviornment, and how it's going to do her in. I guess it's up to her to take control of it tho.

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Your ex should seek professional help to confront these issues.


I agree with Melrich and I think you need to also attend some support groups as well so you can understand her better. Abuse victims get re-wired by their abusers and it takes time for them to become de-programmed if you will. You're a great guy for standing by her but for you to really help her, you need to understand abuse and it's residual effect. The scars are much deeper than the one on her forehead.



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Do I want her to get help? of course. But we just split about 2 weeks ago, and haven't talked much since. (threads in "getting back together" section. I really want the best for her, but right now im kinda in the process of the whole NC thing.


I know eventually, we will start talking again, because the better part of her family is interwined with mine. So I don't know that me getting help, for a better understand of the situation would do much now, considering the circumstances.

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I know eventually, we will start talking again, because the better part of her family is interwined with mine. So I don't know that me getting help, for a better understand of the situation would do much now, considering the circumstances.


So, you want to wait for another shot before you learn more about what she's been through? This makes no sense at all. If and when you get back with her, don't you want a better understanding? If she is really worth it, you'll put forth some effort in hopes that it will help her.



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You are right. And even if we didn't get back together, it'd be nice to at least understand this situation. She's not the first girl I have been with that has gone through sexual/physical abuse within the family.

I have had 3 steady gf's that went through this. And one, whom I still talk to, I met her when she was 16, and she's 23 now and just NOW getting help. She has had a series of abusive relationships since we broke up, and when she does find a good guy, that treats her well, she pushes him away.


I do want this girl back more than anything. I love her to death, and "we" as a couple didn't have too many problems. I worry about her a lot, I just don't really know how to approach the subject.


I'm definitely going to look into knowledging myself on the topic though.

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Joe, I agree with the others that the behavior of abuse victims is very difficult to understand, and it's a huge commitment to get involved with helping someone who has been abused in that way. If you sincerely want to help, educating yourself about it is a must, but know it's quite a lot to take on yourself. Also, if you've had 3 abused gf's you might want to also examine why you're repeatedly attracted to those types of women. At your age 3 sounds like more than a coincidence.


A really great book to help someone understand an abuse victim is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. He writes mostly of men abusers, but I used the book to help me understand my mother's and sister's emotional abuse of me. I just changed the pronouns and everything else fit.


This article also helps explain some of the deep programming of abuse victims...

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There are other great books that are also very helpful. My other top recommendations are ...

The Verbally Abusive Relationship

The Verbally Abusive Relationship Survivors Speak Out

Controlling People

All three of these are by Patricia Evans.

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