Who are these people, Maestro?

[AphidChewToy]

I don't know how to say what I'm feeling, I've typed and backspaced an opening sentence at leat 7 times, so why not start with this confession?

I'm hoping once I get started, it will flow out a little more easily.

 

I don't understand what it is that I think, and I'm worried I'm "going crazy". I hear my own thoughts in an audible form. But they are only the fleetings thoughts everyone has, everyone thinks about bad things from time to time, right? But the ones that choose to express themselves, are never the good ones. They seem to form a multi-hued kaleidoscope of negativity. I don't understand. Is it possible for thoughts to have Thoughts? Do thoughts choose to manifest themselves to me? I think they are telling me something, I just don't understand what. The ones that I Hear are about suicide, about huring other people. I don't want to hurt other people, I don't understand. My mind is playing tricks on me.

 

I'm crying. Odd. I can't seem to stop. I've been crying a lot recently. My mother thinks I'm going crazy, I think she may be right. The only thing that seems to make me whole, or semi-at peace, is playing "Is there anybody out there?" on my guitar. It seems to have a mellowing affect, the Thoughts don't Think so much then.

 

This makes no sense, I feel like a raving lunatic, I'm not sure if I'll post this.

I feel as if I'm climbing up the down escalator.

 

Do you ever wondering where dreams stop and reality begins? I get so confused sometimes, I wonder whether I'm dreaming, everything always seems so surreal. It's like I go to sleep, and enter the Real World, then I wake, and I'm in the Twilight Zone.

 

There is a quote by Chuang-Tzu that seems to say what I'm feeling, maybe his thoughts Thought too.

 

"I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man."

 

 

I have a shrink, but I don't tell him the things I'm telling your right now, he'll just dope me up with more medicine. If I need medicine to be ok, then I wasn't meant to be ok. He keeps telling my mom that I'm "Disassociated" right in front of me. As if I don't exist. I didn't know what that means, i looked it up. It means "withdrawn, socially or otherwise." Why tell someone that I'm Withdrawn, like I'm not even there. Maybe I'm not really there.

 

 

I think if I end it, this will stop. In fact, I know it will. But what if Ending it, just means that I will be alone with The Thoughts, forever? I don't want to be alone. But they want me to hurt people. I would rather hurt myself, I couldn't stand causing pain to other living things. The Thoughts are generated from my head, so if I destroy the head, it will stop.

Does this make sense? Please, please, tell me I am not alone. I can't stand being alone. With Them. Thats how I found this site, I searched something about being alone, ways to stop it.

 

I'll be rambling all night if I don't end this post soon, so I'll end it with a confession, like I began it with: I don't know how to end this post.

[nottoogreen]

Hi AphidChewToy,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Firstly let me cheer you up a bit:

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• Look after your body and love yourself!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• All you can be is a loving healthy being to another loving healthy being. Being can be combinations of Parent/Child, Partner, Friend, Lover and Master/dog.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing, a journal and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

 

Next, could you please tell us more about your family, your friends, your life and what angers and hurts you?

 

We are are to listen.

[Anna.]

I used to feel like you do. I felt like i was completely crazy and the world was this terrible tragic place. And I hid under my covers and wouldn't go to school b/c I thought they were gonna get me, like everybody was out to get me.

 

And I know that's a little different than what you are saying, but I think it's similar. We are bombarded with information constantly and if your a smart enough kid to pay attention, then once you get old enough to know what's going on, you get overwhelmed and you feel like your insane and you don't know what's real.

 

That's how I felt. like I didn't know what was going on and i didn't know if this was real or what. But as I got older it got a lot better. I think it does for most people, because you figure out how to deal with it all. I'm a philosophy major, so now I can sit around all day and debate what reality is instead of freaking out about it. And I can use logic to decide certain things.

 

And, meds definitiely helped. I mean I fought it too, but I had to start taking welbutrin or I wasn't going to be able to function. Now I feel much more even. Remember your brain is an organ just like your heart or your lungs, so some people's are gonna have problems just like some people have kidney and heart problems, it's nothing to be weird about.

[sumguy]

If the medicine stops your thoughts from thinking, then it can't be all bad, can it?

 

Do what nottogreen says, he seems to specialise in these matters... =)

[Bethany]

Listen to me, you can think what ever you like, about terrible, terrible things, about anything you like and I mean ANYTHING. But what matters is that you don't pay over attention to them. It doesn't matter what you think, it really doesn't. However you should pay absolute attention to the way you FEEL inside when you do think them.

 

The feeling is more important than the thought, MUCH MUCH MORE. Stop worrying about your thoughts, shrug them off and get on with your day. They are NOT important, they only taken on importance when you start to become afraid of them or wonder why you are having them, why they are taking over your mind etc. Don't worry about them.

 

The less concerned you are, the less important they will become and the quicker they will fade, and the quicker they fade, the quicker you will rejoin 'reality' and leave that scary place where you feel you have no control over your mind.

 

I'm not making this up off the top of my head, this is FACT.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Thoughts cannot hurt you.

 

Thoughts have, in the past, made me cry, rave, abuse people/drugs/alcohol/food.

 

Thoughts have made me suicidal.

 

Thoughts have placed me in the care of psychiatrists.

 

I can't tell you if anything is real. Objects may disappear when we arn't around - you could be the only person in the Universe, everyone else could all be a dream/Matrix-style setup.

 

Ultimately, you will never know what's real and what isn't. Sounds strange - but stop regarding whether something is real or not as an important criteria. Deliberately distract yourself from thinking so much - it NEVER pays off.

 

Ever.