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Liars, cell phones and insecurities


thorak
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So just a general question here... just wondering who out there has either had there cell phone checked or has checked someones cell phone because of your partners consistant lies about there "ex" that they just broke up with and not talking to them anymore but clearly are? or even if you felt they were cheating on you / lying to you?! If it wasnt a cell phone any feedback on emails checking is similar!

 

Is it justified or wrong to do?! to try and find out the truth?! or is it just rude / hurtfull to the partner you dont trust?!

 

And what if you find out there lying by checking there phone?!

 

I only ask cause im trying to come to terms with myself for having done so with my most recent girlfriend... she hates me now and doesnt trust me... but i also found out she was lying to me on almost a daily basis about talking to her VERY recent ex when I told her I wasnt into them talking cause I was insecure about it and didnt trust it.... she said she didnt want to cause a fight between us so she lied about doing exactly what I asked her not to do..... and now I am the one left feeling guilty for invading privacy! Its almost as though my feelings about her lying and my feelings of betrayal are being swept under the table!

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Guilty on both charges up until about two months ago. We both suffer from insecurities when it comes to our exs. But I haven't done it for at least two months or so. We are building trust very slowly. Every now and again I have the urge to check his phone, and Im pretty sure he does too every no and again, but we are getting better with the whole trust thing...

I think its quite normal if you have had scares, but if your partner has never done anything to feed those fears, then it shouldn't have to happen...

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Don't feel guilty...as much as people say "don't snoop around", there was a reason why you decided to snoop around. If there wasn't a reason, then you wouldn't have done it. I think a person should have a right to protect themselves from liars and cheaters. I personally like to know the truth and gut feelings let you know when someone is lying but because you can't go by "gut feelings" alone, you decide to investigate. Trust is very important in a relationship but the person has to be trustworthy and if they aren't telling you something, then they are betraying you. So yes..you did have a right to find out because she sure as heck wasn't going to tell you herself. Then you would have kept believing her and wasting time and the truth would have come out eventually which would have ultimately hurt you in the end.

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I have been there before... on both sides of the fence! I too would not feel guilty. Keep in mind you had a trust issue and were clear about that with her. You asked her to stop and if she truly loved you and respected you she wouldnt find the need to talk to this other guy! Instead she felt that by lying she wouldnt hurt you and in turn betrayed your trust even more. I think if she loved you she wouldnt need to find comfort and support from an ex unless you were unable to provide this to her yourself. And if that was the case she should have had the decency to end things with you herself!

 

People do funny things for love. Looking at a cell phone because you dont trust a partner, let alone when they are proven guilty over and over only reinforces your right to protect yourself from liars and cheaters like this.

 

Point is SHE betrayed you... someone that is supposed to care about you... someone that is supposed to have respect and understanding for your feelings. I think checking a phone or email for that matter isnt anywhere near as bad as lying repeatedly, let alone about and ex you are uncomfortable with.

 

I think this raises concern because it would make you question what else she has lied about regarding this person. And if she can stare you in the face and lie everytime about this guy, wether it was just talking or not, it means she is capable of lying to you regarding any other guy in the future that she may truly be cheating on you with.... food for thought!!

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Some people seem to feel it's a matter of course to check the other persons personal property and messages as part of the relationship, and while I think this is wrong, you had good sound reasons for doing what you did.

 

You don't want to be with someone who would lie to you, would you?

 

Hope this helped. =)

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It’s tangled logic isn’t it, real chicken and egg stuff. One hears ‘you should trust’ and ‘don’t be in the relationship if you can’t trust’ on the one hand, and also ‘don’t be taken for a ride, your guts must have some point, check if you have to’. I kind of agree with both, depends on the way you are snooping maybe! It can get out of control, and if that’s the case – if you know you’re acting a little nuts and there's no objective reason to doubt - then perhaps try and curb the impulses and have a look at where your own issues might be coming from.

 

But hey, if you have cause to doubt – and it seems you did – then checking these things is a reasonable measure of self-protection. You need to know how the other person prioritises your feelings and the need to be honest with you.

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I checked my girls phone before, and email... caused some problems... long story...

 

back in the day, i found some messages to/ from her and some guy friends saying little things like I miss you, do you miss me (i wasnt snooping at the time, just using her phone and saw them) sorta threw me off as I didnt know she was talking to any other guys. I asked her who she was talking to, and she didnt want to say... when pressed she told me, but gave me a different name (i caught the name on the text message) and I wondered... why the fib.

 

Little while later I saw some 'dirty' conversation on messenger on the cpu... that caused a big fight. she said it would stop, and I later saw messages like hey my man saw our conversation we need to be more careful... looked like she wouldnt stop, but rather hide it. Eventually I looked a few times at her phone and always saw something that didnt look good on one level or another. Eventually we broke up due to this stuff, and later got back together. She was mad that I had snooped, I was mad because of what she was doing. I felt like ya, I snooped but had you not been acting shady behind my back I would owe you an apology and this would be over. Instead it turned into the big fight that you are having now (read your other post)

Anyways, things are good now. Im unwilling to put up with that behind the back, talking to the ex stuff.. and she agrees that this is now a healthier relationship without the attention from the guy friends.

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Personally, I used to be horrible about this...I checked the cell phone, hacked the email account, went through the wallet and/or palm pilot. Then, you know what? After doing it SO many times and NOT finding anything - I realized I was 1) wasting time and 2) making issues where there were none. He never really did anything for me to 'suspect' that there was something going on, but, I had been 'blinded and burned' in the past, and let THOSE emotions and fears control me. It became very humiliating to me, personally, to know that I was doing something I would NOT want someone doing to me. So, I stopped. In the past 4 months, I have 'snooped' 1 time - that's it...and after I did it, I felt like a major * * * * * * *.

 

It's hard NOT to snoop when you feel something is not 'right'...but, what made it bad for me was when I DID snoop and found NOTHING - I would TRY AND TRY to find SOMETHING to make an issue of - just to PROVE that 'a-ha, I was right - what is THIS?'...and it was dumb and just caused problems.

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Usually your gut feeling is right. I have done so recently and found out about lies . Then tried to continue the relationship but with less trust than before.Now since then i have found out more several times etc... Then put it to the test and confronted him with info which he thought i could not know about . He lied to my face without a flinch even when i told him that i had proof. Why... cause he thought i was bluffing.

 

End of story i can't spend time with someone about who i have to doubt his words ... it eats away at you and no matter how it hurts ... it is time to move on.

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