Feeling Insecure

[turkcmilo]

I have been with my girlfriend for 2.5 years. Recently we started having problems and went on a break where we were trying to find our beat with eachother, we both assumably wanted to slowly get back together. Leading up to this break she was talking on the phone with a co-worker till the early hours on a very regular basis. During the break they went on dates together, kissed, spent the night with eachother. I found this information out through email conversations between her and him. In the conversation she talks about how great he is and it will hurt her to see him with other girls. Me and her started dating again just before I found out about this. Also in the email she says she does not love me like a boyfriend but wants to try to because her family love me and I am good to her.

He still loves her and tells her so even now that me and her are back together. Says he will wait for her and needs her by his side. ect Before I found out about all this he used to be a mutual friend of me and hers. When me and her were getting back together she told me that he asked her out she agreed to but never went and that was the end of it she said. I am currently still wanting me and her to work out. But she wants to continue to be friends with a guy that she was dating a couple weeks ago and who is still in love with her. I am not comfortable with that thought. To further trouble the issue it is a co-worker of hers.

When I confronted her she was upset that I looked at her email and rightfully so. I told her I apologized and asked her to change her password for her own peace of mind and it was not going to happen anymore. We discussed this issue and told her my beening uncomfortable with him being around her even though she claims only friends. I do want to give her an ultimatum of me or him but she did say she will greatly reduce how often they talk, which is every morning he calls then he calls throughout the day and often at night as well. My question is for advice on this situation and also be clear as to whether I have trust issue or and right to feel she should not talk to him as it would hinder me and her getting back together plus he wants more than friendship from her and all. All advice is greatly appreciated.

[Aschleigh]

You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling.

Unfortunately this will take a lot of patients to resolve.

If you are committed to working things out with her, she will need time to think about and decide what she wants. You could give her an ultimatum.

But it seems it would only be in jest since you want to be with her so much.

You could tell her everything you have told us here and see what her reaction is. I wouldn't be comfortable going back into a relationship with her while she is still talking to and seeing the other guy daily. Tell her this really bothers you. She probably would like to have both of you. Which isn't fair to you. She may be confused. I guess my point is to get it all out on the table, be really honest with her how you feel. That you want to make things work , but it won't work if she is in contact with the other guy.

And then wait and see what she does. She may not want to be in a relationship with you anymore but is recieving pressure from her family to work it out. Is she very young? very independent? She may find being single and not in either relationship suits her.

Be clear with what you want and what you are willing to accept.

Be honest with yourself .

[BlueWolf]

I agree with Aschleigh.

It sounds as if she doesn't know what she wants and that she is confused. Add to that, the ball is in her court at the moment. This all makes for a bad combination.

 

You need to take control and set things straight. If you REALLY want her, then follow Aschleigh's advice.

However, I personally think I wouldn't be able to handle this if it happened to me. What I'd do is simplify the situation and dump her right there and then and go NC so she gets the message that she can't just "take time out" and play with other's emotions like that. A "relationship" is in the singular. Let her know she can't have two guys at once.

You are lucky that her family likes you. She would me making a huge mistake to lose a guy her family likes.

I don’t doubt your intelligence when I say this (since you already are well aware of it), but there are other girls out there who actually know what they want and value a guy who is good to girls as you describe yourself.

 

Good luck!

[Fisch]

"Also in the email she says she does not love me like a boyfriend but wants to try to because her family love me and I am good to her."

You arent dating her family, and love is needed not just being good to eachother. This is pretty selfish of her, if she doesnt love you she should say so. To me this is the most important topic of discussion you should adress with her.

[turkcmilo]

Fisch- She has mentioned to me before that she doesn't love me like how she did in the beginning. She always talks about the beginning where everything is great, new, fresh. Where you talk to each late at night and there excitement not knowing when they're going to call or what is going to happen next. She says its currently kinda like a married couple where theirs a pattern and certain things are predictable. While I do make an effort to keep things new and interesting it goes without saying that after 2.5 years things will occasionly seem predicatble "Out to my favorite restaurant, how did you ever know, oh wait we've been here a few other times already" type of thing. That I can't help and I wonder if she is just stuck in love with the very new and spontaneous beginning of relationships. Yes she is young: 20.

[heloladies21]

Well there is definitely a very big problem with you and your gf and even if you were to eliminate this guy, it wouldn't solve the situation. What she is referring to is that she is emotionally bored in the relationship, and that is a very common problem. In my eyes, it's the #1 killer of relationships. The solution is not easy, most likely it involves a lot of sticking up for yourself and that is hard to do unless you're willing to walk away at any point.

[turkcmilo]

helloladies- I dont quite understand what you are reccomending are you saying whenever she starts to talk about the good ol' days and how things used to be ect that I should just ignore it and walk away or change the subject that sort of thing?

[Fisch]

Well turk,

What I meant was that I dont think that reason is sufficient to stay with someone, if she doesnt have a genuine healthy love for you and is just with you because her family likes you and because you treat her well then it should be a no go. It is pretty horrible to say the only reason that you dont break up with someone is that. It is a very difficult situation for the one you love to be entertaining the needs of someone else who is in love with her. In my personal opinion, the fact that this guy is in love with her completely invalidates him as a friend. The reason I think this is because he obviously will be doing everything he can to get her, and she is willing to let you have to deal with that. That is just disrespectful, if you ask me if she wants to be with you his romantic feelings are not her responsibility, and if she wants to be with you than she should hold your needs as a priority over his. But obviously this is up to your judgement, and you should come to a compromise with your partner.

[candy604]

if she's not 100% in the relationship, let her go and find someone else who will love you back. if she wants to be with you, she will be, but it's sad to know she doesn't love you the way she did before and it really doesn't help with the guy calling morning, night and day,sounds like a clingy bf!!

 

even as friends a guy shouldn't be calling three times a day. gee..but know you know the whole story between her and him. i thikn she is having a hard time letting go of 2.5 relationship and doesn't know what she wants,but wants two guys.

 

i agree, after 2.5 in most relationship it won't be like the beginning where you feel happy and giggly and warm. but in reality, that's not going to happen if your with someone for so long.Try to spice up your relationship by diong other activities that you don't do normally ( eg. go to concerts, have a picnic, go boating, play sports, or watch theatre shows..). Also try talking about different things that interest each other! as for eating out, try NEW restaurents or take her someone where she hasn't been etc..

 

or make her dinner at home, there's alot of differnet things you can do and so can she to help the relationship. but she has to understand that in the beginning it's butterflies and such but eventually it goes away.

[heloladies21]

helloladies- I dont quite understand what you are reccomending are you saying whenever she starts to talk about the good ol' days and how things used to be ect that I should just ignore it and walk away or change the subject that sort of thing?

No, i'm just telling you what it really means when she talks about these things. It's her way of communicating it indirectly, but honestly she doesn't even need to. Her actions are saying the same thing loud and clear.

 

There are lots of signs that can show a chick is emotionally bored. Stops calling as much, stops being so sexually interested (even to the point of losing her sex drive entirely), getting interest or keeping interest in other men, not spending time with you, not so eager to see you, asks for space time, breaks things off even temporarily.

[heloladies21]

Are you two officially together by the way? That is very ultra important otherwise this situation could blow up in your face at any time.

[turkcmilo]

Yes we are officially together at this point. Which leads me to believe that she is and has ultimately chosen me but from the emails I read it sounds as if it might be a fake to please her family and she is really still feeling this other guy.

[Rabican]

I wouldnt be ok with them maintaining that friendship at all.

 

They slept together.

 

He says he loves her.

 

They dated while you were on 'break'

 

She didnt really tell you up front she was seeing someone else while you thought you guys were just taking a 'break'

 

Pretty much all of the above tells me that whatever they have together isnt JUST FRIENDS. It is definitely more, which tells me that doesnt leave room for her to commit 100% to you. 90% maybe... but not 100... are you ok with that? I dont think you are, otherwise you wouldnt be posting here. Tell her how you feel, and see what she does. If she wants to be with you, she should respect your feelings and be willing to put the guy on hold. Here is how I feel on these issues.

 

When a girl (or guy) has one of these 'friendly friends' that always seem to be MORE than just a friend... theres a few options. Either keep the friend around, thus damaging the relationship. Lose the friend and focus on the relationship. Or put the friend on hold and focus on the relationship.

 

I would suggest this to her. If she wants to be with you, then she should tell the other guy that she wants to give things a go with you. during that time that she is with you, it is best if she does not have contact with him, as it is not beneficial to her relationship. If, or when you guys ever split up, or you decide you are ok with them hanging out again then she will give him a call. This way she isnt really burning any bridges, and if they guy is even halfway respectful he should understand and accept this.

 

my .02