Not sure if this is the right forum but here goes

[SMF]

I've not been physically unfaithful- but I am absolutely besotted with a girl at work (Ill call her "K").

 

She knows that but has said she is not interested- although that hasnt changed our great friendship. She (bizarrely) is besotted with another fellow at work in who is in the process of leaving his wife (for essentially unconected reasons). He has recently had an affair with another girl in the office who has now left- K was upset when she found out and I was a shoulder to cry on. Things have thawed a lot between K and the other guy though, and there still seems a good chance they will get together. He supposedly cares for her (albeit I think hes probably bad news as do most of her friends). I am desperately trying to accept the fact that, regardless of whether she and this guy get together or not, good friends looks like its all we are going to be.

 

We are very good friends. I'd hate to change that. Its a special friendship Id be loathe to lose. She makes me smile and laugh far more than anyone else I know, or have known. It IS a mutual friendship. We always have a great time when we do stuff together and she considers us to be very close.

 

I moved out of my marital home (no kids) and am living in a flat. Life isnt bad here. I see K quite often after work for a drink and a laugh. Recently I have seen my wife a few times as well, and we've also had a good time and she has ended up staying over.

 

6 weeks ago, I had no interest in my wife whatsoever and thought the marriage was probably over. Now Im not so sure. However, I go to work every day and am faced with the pleasure of K's company, as well as the pain of seeing her getting on well with the other guy. Its absolutely screwing me up inside.

 

I wonder whether I need to find a new job and just get out. But thats not very practical for a number of reasons.

 

Is there any way I can actively try to dampen the way I feel about K so that (1) I can behave normally at work even when hes around and (2) work out whether ther eis anything left in my marriage worth keeping? And all without losing the great friendship?

 

Impossible question probably- but I am so out of control of everything at the moment,Im hoping that there is some positive thing I can do to help me deal with all this better.... I want to be happy for K and supportive, not * * * * *y and jealous. I want to be able to assess my feelings for my wife without them being constantly overshadowed by my clinging onto a seemingly hopeless dream of getting together with K.

 

I should say that whilst this all sounds incredibly sordid and like a bunch of kids messing about- Im 32, K is 27 and the other guy is 45(!) and we're all professionals...

 

Help!

[melrich]

It's probably unlikely that you can just turn off your feelings for K. ANd it sound like those feelings are not going to be reciprocated. It also sounds like you may be letting a marriage that can be potentially successful slip because of this "crush".

 

How easy would it be for you to leave your job? Would it solve anything do you think? Are you the type of guy that gets these "crushes" easily?

 

I think in this situation I would advise that you need to get K out of your life at least for a while. But I'd put a caveat on that, if you slip into these crushes easily then that path may not achieve much.

[marathoner55]

As for goal #1, I do NOT recommend quitting your job. The way to get K out of your mind is to move on to someone new. This could be a return to your wife (which involves goal #2) or someone new.

 

I would sign up for several online dating services. Be TOTALLY honest in your profile. Say you are in a rocky marriage, have moved out of the marital home, but have not yet gotten a divorce, and are looking for a female friend, NOT an instant hookup. (I'm assuming this is an honest and accurate description). Just having coffee, lunch or after work drinks with some new women will help get K off your mind.

 

Reminder: do NOT lead the dates to believe your relationship with your wife is definitely headed for divorce. Be honest.

 

I do not know what to recommend for goal #2.

 

- Marathoner55

[Bethany]

On the surface this may seem like a perfect friendship but underneath there is pain and anguish. This friendship as it stands hurts you so you need to remove yourself from it, at least for a little while. Take some time out.You don't have to quit your job but you most certainly have to make the decision to emotionally 'leave the building'. If you can't do that, seriously start looking for another job.

 

I think that if there is any chance of reconcillation with your wife, you should go for it. Don't waste your life on what will never be.

[doyathink]

Every relationship gets boring and dull to a certain extent after years of being together! If you end one and start another, remember...this one will also reach the same point after some time.

 

Marriage is something that requires day in and day our team work. If you have a team player slacking off the marriage will go south! Have you given your marriage all you have? Do you remember all the things that made you fall in love with her to begin with?

 

Simply put, you can only have one woman at a time..in this world! Go back to your wife and have some self control concerning your 'crush' on K

 

or

 

Leave your wife, only because you can't see the marriage working out! Don't leave for another woman who may or may not ever have a relationship with you! If you stall too long because you don't know what to do and don't want to be 'lonely', your wife may have enough and make the decision for you. If this happens and K still has interests in the other man and not you...well...your out on your own!

[SMF]

Thanks folks. Life is hellish at present. Im not the type to readily have these crushes- its been 15 years since I felt like this about anyone- and Ive been with my wife for 12 of them.

 

To a large extent I think I was making all the effort in my marriage- thats just how I am. Wife now says she wants to chaneg that but who knows how it would work out. Ill constantly be wondering whether there is something better out there- because Ive discovered that Im still capable of having those powerful feelings. Had pretty much forgotten what that was like.

 

I just wish I could get on with my job without my stomach being churned every ten minutes by the green eyed monster...

[langford]

People want what they can't have,simple as that.If your wife ran off with some guy tomorrow I'm sure your interest in her would pique back up.

 

 

Being friends with someone who has rejected you is a daily knock to your self esteem,sense of worth and happiness - stays friends and you will see all three disappear.

[Goldfish6888]

I think you should back off on the Friendship with K. I'm in a similar situation myself, where I really like my co-worked. I'm not married or anything, but he is separated a year and a half and has two kids. I found him the best in the world - my best friend whilst I was going through a break up over the past 3 months. Now I've realised I have feelings for him. I too, find it hard just to be friends with him - but a) he is not in a place for relationship now and b) its hard for me to be just friends - so I've backed off.

 

I would sort out your marriage first, take time out from being so friendly with K, decide if your marriage is worth working on, if not......well its time to move on. Who knows, maybe K, somewhere down the line will miss your friendship, see the other guy treats her badly and come knocking on your door again. Who knows what the future holds. What is for you won't pass you by! But sort out your marriage first as its only fair to the amount of years you put into it.

[SMF]

Thanks. Your comments make sense- but in practical terms, not being friends in a closeknit office, sitting 10 yards apart, and having rubber band fights three times a week is going to be very difficult indeed.

 

Not sure if / how I can do it. Maybe partly because I'm not letting go of the hope...

 

Seen my wife a few times recently- had nice evenings- but today was boring. No drinks or meals- and the normal, ordinary day reminded me just why I left.

 

Tricky.

 

Feel like Im back at square one and no clearer than the day i moved out.