She contacted me...wants to "talk"

[drninja]

A few of you know my story. To make a long story short, I was with this girl for 1.5 years, everything was great, we thought we had a future together, etc. Fast forward to around July 13, we got in a couple small disagreements but worked through them in no time, then while we are on a date and I think everything is going fine she tells me she wants a "break". She says it isn't about seeing other guys, just that she wants to be independent for a while and find her own two feet again. I do some stupid things, try to convince her that it's not what she wants, but I stop that after a couple days. Originally she said she wanted to stay friends (of course), but after I saw her two times for less than an hour each, she began playing games with me. She'd text me asking what my plans for the week were, and when I responded she wouldn't follow up with me. Things like that. So essentially there has been a month, maybe a little more, of NC. I tried to get in touch with her last week simply to give her a good luck card before she started school this year, but she ignored my call and never got back to me.

 

Well, yesterday I was sitting at the computer and of all the ways to start contact, she IM's me. Basically the conversation goes something like this:

 

her: hey

me: hey whats up?

her: so i talked to moriah

her: and i think we should talk this week

me: ok, well, when?

her: probably this weekend because i already have a lot of homework and you have to drive all the way out here

me: that's fine if it works for you, but i havent started class yet so i don't mind the drive. let me know if you want to do it sooner

her: ok

her: well i have to start on this homework now

me: ok ill talk to you later, good luck on it!

her: thanks

 

I think it's lame that she couldn't just pick up the phone and call me, although this might have been for the better. My tone of voice on the phone would have given away a lot. When I saw her name on the screen my pulse went through the roof. In any case, I'm glad that I finally get to sit down and talk to her about all this nonsense and get it sorted out once and for all.

 

I'm just looking for a little guidance on how to conduct myself when we actually have this talk. Now, I'm not stupid. After the past month of her playing weird games with me, and after speaking to her best friend (who is also a good friend of mine), I've gathered that she almost certainly doesn't want to get back together, at least not right now. So what do I do? Should I lay my cards out on the table one last time before I let her give me her answer? I don't think it's going to magically win her back or whatever, but I feel like I'll be more able to articulate my feelings before she crushes me. I'm pressed for time at work right now, but any advice you guys might be willing to impart would be much appreciated!

[dude69]

Dont let her push you around. Stand your ground, if she tries to play some mind games on you make sure you let her know that you wont put up with it. If she knows you can live without her in your life she will think twice ( or maybe even 3 times ) before playing mind games with you.

 

Hope this helps.

Good luck

[drum4god]

Here is the thing you have to ask yourself. What do you want. I know that sounds simple, but if you really search yourself you will know what to do. By reading your post I gather you want her to be with you exclusively, and you don't want any games. If that is what you want, you make that clear. Here is one thing you have to do. It won't be easy, but its critical. Don't be over emotional. If you do, she will fell she can do or say anything and she will still have you. Just tell her what you want, and if she can't give it to you, you need to move on. Its hard, but its that simple.

 

She said she wanted to talk, so let her speak her mind, and don't interrupt. Let her express herself. If she says she wants to be friends. Say No! If she wants to date other people. Tell her she can date, but she won't be dating you anymore. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS! DON'T WUSS OUT!

If she isn't clear about what she wants. Tell her what you want.

 

I would say something like this (and I have in the past and it works)

 

Baby, we have been though alot, and I know I have made mistakes, and I am sorry for them, but I really want to work this out. However, if you don't I will move on. I am not going to be a part time boyfriend, or just a friend. I am not going to play games. Just let me know what the deal is. Now make sure you say this (but you really have to mean it). I can handle anything if I know where I stand.

 

Again, you don't have to say everything verbetim, but you get the idea. The key is be in control. Be cool. Don't come off needy, don't come off emotional. Don't beg, cry. Just handle your business like a man. With that said you can tell her what you want. You can tell her you love her, but just don't settle for anything you don't want. If you don't want to be her friend. Say no. If you don't want to hang around and wait for her to come around. Don't. This is about you. Here is one thing I do know. If you can be assertive, cool, and business like. She will see a stronger side to you, that will make you more attractive. Or she will still go on her way, but I guarantee she will have respect for you, and you will maintain your dignity.

 

One more thing. Go in with the mindset. You are the prize, not her. I know its hard, but its very powerful. Let her be the one that feels regret. Not you.

 

Good luck.

[kohnny]

Try reading this for some sound advice!

 

link removed

[drninja]

Thanks for the advice so far guys! Keep it comin in my hour (week) of need

[drninja]

Disclaimer: I'm a little tipsy.

 

Earlier today I wrote up an entry in my personal journal so I could organize my thoughts before I talk to her. Here's what I came up with:

 

Yes, I do want her back. I want another chance at things and I'd love for her to be mine again, but it cannot happen unless she has some desire in her heart to do so as well. I love her, and I cannot attempt to disguise that from her, nor can I pretend that it's not how I feel. It's real, and she has to know that I feel that way from the bottom of my heart, even after all this. However, with all the love I've got in my heart for her, I do not want to be with her if she does not want to be with me. I've been in that situation before, and it feels horrible and is an absolute waste of time. If she tells me straight up she does not feel the same way, then sure, it will hurt, but over time I'll get better and better until finally I can go out and find someone else who will appreciate me for who I am.

 

It's just so hard when you make a choice to stick it out with someone through the good times and the bad, and they completely take what you had and turn it upside down. I was so dedicated to making this work. To me, love was something that transcended time and space. She was considering transferring out of state for school next year, and I think that played a part in her decision to take this break. I don't think that matters, personally. When two people love eachother and there aren't major issues like abuse or two completely different lifestyles, I don't think anything should have to keep them apart. A long distance relationship? So what, if the connection between the people is there then they'll last it out, knowing one day they can be together both emotionally and physically again.

 

Right now it's late, and I'm tired and a little drunk. I apologize for the ramblings but I've been thinking a lot lately in lieu of what's going down this weekend, just trying to figure out what it is that I want and how I will cope with the rejection I am likely to face. I don't really know how it's going to feel or how I will react, but I will try my hardest to stand tall, take it like a man, and walk away if she isn't feeling the same as me. It's just going to be so damn hard.

 

That's all for now though. I feel like I'm not really making a whole lot of sense. More on this tomorrow!

[drninja]

I'm totally lost at this point. She asked me last Monday if we could talk this weekend, and I still haven't heard a damn thing from her. I (stupidly) called her on Thursday evening to find out when she wanted to do it so I could plan accordingly, but of course she ignored my call and never returned it even though I left her a voicemail. I don't know if this is worth it anymore. These stupid games, all the chasing around...I'm above all this nonsense. I'm thinking about calling her up just to ask if we're talking this weekend or not, and if not just ending the conversation right there, but I don't even know if that's necessary. Actions speak louder than words, and if she doesn't ever get in touch with me I guess I'll just assume the worst.

 

Thoughts?

[blender]

Okay, NO MORE CONTACT, please save yourself any more heartache, and before I even read you last post here, I was going to advise you to NOT meet to talk to her. There is NO reason to see an ex, unless they have contacted you and clearly stated thier "intent to get back together", and she did NOT do this, for all you know she just wants to talk and fill you in on what is going on her life, so she can feel "relieved of any guilt". For the most part when an ex makes this kind of contact, like im-ing or email, it's usually because they just want to alleviate any uncomfortable feelings they may have about how they have behaved, most times it's never more than just that, yet we "dumpees' read so much into the pssibilities, we choose to ignore the RED FLAGS, THE FACTS of what has already traspired, and we "hope" that "maybe" they want to talk about "us" and "work it out". But that is 99 percent of the time NOT THE CASE.

 

For today, start protecting your own heart, forgive yourself for calling her on Thursday, but LEARN FROM IT, do NOT contact her again.

 

Even if she calls now, it's too late for any plans this weekend to "talk to you".

 

the very best thing you can do right now is to start "no contact" no more calls, no more responding to her im's or emails, or calls, no more contact.

 

Let go for today, forget that she even contacted you, I know this is difficult, but her ACTIONS, are letting you know loud and clear where she stands. You can not choose to ignore this, but choose to depend on the fact that she did contact you, you have to take ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED into account.

 

For now, think clearly, you know you want her back, you know she is NOT clear on what she wants, so don't get in the way and smother any respectable air this relationship might possilbly have left, you will smother it if you choose to keep calling, or even responding at this point.

 

If you do NO contact starting right now, just in as a promise to yourself, do NOT contact her and it will force her to think, wonder, consider... and it will also make her responsible for NOT resonding to your call from Thursday.

 

Can you let this go for today, and just NOT contact her, or respond to her if even does call?

[drninja]

Can you let this go for today, and just NOT contact her, or respond to her if even does call?

 

Yeah. I think I'll do this. Thanks for the advice man! It's tough for me to let go and accept that the person I loved changed into this new person who has no qualms about yanking me around on her chain. I'm pretty sure she just wanted to talk to me to inform me that indeed, we are still broken up. But yeah, it doesn't exactly take a scientist to look at her actions this past month and a half and come to that conclusion. For all I know she's pulling all this to try and drive me to break it off once and for all with her so she doesn't have to do that. So sorry, sweetheart, but homie don't play that.

[blender]

Good, easy does it for today, no contact, just let it go.. let her "wonder and think" and you do the same.. she has "revealed herself" over time to be someone who is NOT ready for a relationship right now with you.. so trust this and accept it, believe me, most of the pain our hearts and pride feels comes from the "resistance" to "acceptance".... but once we get to "acceptance" we can think more clearly and look at the "whole picture" and NOT just the one we were "dreaming could be"..... you are also mourning the loss of what you "hoped" for probably more than mourning the loss of what it actually turned out to be.... you know what I mean? Hang in there, no contact is so powerful.. one day at a time...