PLS tell me how to break up with an obstinated gf!!

[DesperateGuy24]

Hello, first of all let me tell you our age just in case. I'm 24 and she's 22.

 

Ok here is my story:

 

A little over 4 years ago I met my girlfrined, three weeks later we hooked up. A year or so later I finally came to really know her and I didn't/don't like many things about her "so much" (..I don't like them at all!) though I've always REALLY cared for her (maybe too much...) and I'm just not able to see her sad (let alone be the source of her sadness!!).

 

After 2 years of being together I finally realized I don't love her anymore. Now, 2 years after that, I STILL am UNABLE to get her to stop hanging onto me.

 

Even though part of this "not able to see her sad" feeling comes from the "guilt" I feel of taking her virginity away (she was my first and only sex partner also), I DID love her at the time and DO care for her today (and always, like I said). I DO know this "care" for her is not mainly because of the virginity issue, it is because I loved her and want the best for her.

 

I've tried MANY TIMES, with no succes at all, to break up with her (in person, by phone, by letter, by e-mail, by SMS...!!). Everytme I've tried to end our relationship; with tears in her eyes, she always manages to "convince" me to give us a "last" chance. I know I'm to blame for not standing still on my decision but that's why I came here looking for an asnwer or "strategy" for solving this 2 year old snowball-like problem!! (As clearly, "being honest with her" and "talking straight to her" isn't working for me)

 

I've even get as far as praying to God to put the perfect Romeo in her way... though I'm afraid she'd look way past him right to where I am.

 

Let me mention I've talked all of this on many occasions with her.

I've talked about the things I don't like about her (she has changed a bit on some of them but certainly not enough), about how I've stopped loving her 2 years ago, about my prolonged desperation and general unhappiness,... about everything in my heart and mind!

 

I really want to end this lie as soon as possible, but without making her reeeeaaaaally sad (though lately I'm starting to just hope to end this up, forget the "reeeeaaaaally sad" part... sigh).

 

Sorry for making this boring story so long, but I NEEDED to express my feelings with someone other than my girlfrined (because, like I said, I've expressed them with her and it's no use at all..)

 

Thank you very much everybody for taking the time to read (and maybe write..)

 

PD: Of course I could just say " it, I'm out of here " and ignore all her phone calls, e-mails, SMS's, doorbells, etc. but that's not the point..!

[DN]

You can't end it without making her sad and that is something you are just going to have to accept.

 

And it is the point. End it as quickly and gently as you can and don't accept any contact from her.

[PRSOV]

I agree with DN, and I have been in the situation. Only my ex was a bit worse because she had a certain disorder.

 

The fact is that on face value, you need to make it clear to her that you do not have these feelings for her and haven't for the past two years. What was her reaction when you tell her this? Doesn't that make her realise that this relationship just isn't going to go anywhere?..

 

You need to have a serious talk, maybe even consider writing a letter if the talk doesn't pan out the way you want it. Just remember this is your future to... after this do not accept any form of communication with her because you will only be making it harder on her.

 

In time she will realise that this relationship doesn't have a future and will find a way to move on.

 

Good luck.

[DesperateGuy24]

You can't end it without making her sad and that is something you are just going to have to accept.

 

And it is the point. End it as quickly and gently as you can and don't accept any contact from her.

 

Like I said, "lately I'm starting to just hope to end this up, forget the "reeeeaaaaally sad" part"

 

So, lately, that has not been the problem. The problem has been she always manages to get me to give her one "last" chance. I know I'm sounding stupid but it's because I was hoping for a more "specific" answer/"strategy".

 

On a side note, I forgot to mention that my other source of "guiltiness" (besides the virginity issue) is my "I love you"s and other words and actions I've sparsely told her every time she practically "forces" (as opposed of it being my own initiative) (ie everytime she asks "Do you love me?", "How do you feel about me?", etc.) me to; of course all of this as not to break her heart.

 

Sadly, almost always in this relationship, I've taken that kind of "easy" way out.. Shame on me.. I know (I'm paying the price..)

[DN]

The problem has been she always manages to get me to give her one "last" chance. I know I'm sounding stupid but it's because I was hoping for a more "specific" answer/"strategy".

 

She manages to do that because you let her.

 

The specific answer/strategy is to break up with her and don't let her change your mind. I'm sorry that sounds simplistic but that is because it is simple. Note that I didn't say it was easy - just simple.

 

You sound as if you are almost totally passive in this relationship - so stop being passive, take the necessary action and follow through. No one can give you an exit strategy, especially if you allow yourself to be drawn back in.

 

Make the decision, follow through and don't back down.

[Bethany]

Set her free, let her go. If you do this, she WILL get over it and she will find someone who doesn't feel sorry for her and who loves her the way that you don't.Do the thing you feel you can't and thats ignore her calls, emails, pleads etc... Takes guts but it has to be done... for the both of you.

 

Would YOU want to be with someone who didn't love you, who only took you back because they felt sorry for you? Because that's what you are doing to her... Don't feel sorry for her, feel sorry to her that you didn't do this sooner and set her free.

[DesperateGuy24]

Thanks DN, PRSOV and Bethany for your good and sincere answers.

 

I'm going to once and for all gather up all my guts and put and end to this for the good of both of us. I'm NOT backing off this time, I'll come back and tell you guys how it went.

 

One last question though, do you guys think is ok to feel guilty for taking her virginity away (I've noticed she do cares about it relatively a lot)?

If so, how can I manage to get rid of that guilt so it doesn't stand in the way at least throughout the break-up process?

[DN]

You didn't 'take' her virginity - sex is a mutual decision (assuming no coercion). As an adult she had a choice and chose to have sex with you. That does not mean you owe her the rest of your life in repayment.

 

Did the first woman you had sex with owe you anything for 'taking' your virginity? I realise many women see virginity as more important but as I said - she made a choice.

[DesperateGuy24]

Did the first woman you had sex with owe you anything for 'taking' your virginity?

 

As I said on the thread description she is my first and only sex partner also. Anyway thank you very much for the answer. Even though deep inside me I knew that answer all along, it's just now from hearing it from someone else that I believe in it myself.

[annie24]

I agree with DN. It is simple, you don't take her back. (not easy though)

 

And I agree, just because you have been together for 4 years and were each others' firsts doesn't mean that you are obligated to spend the next 70 years of your life with her.

 

clearly, she is not the right woman for you, and you are not the right man for her. it is best that you two go your separate ways, and find the people who are right for you.

 

don't let her guilt-trip you. just because you are ending the relationship doesn't mean you didn't have some great times together and didn't learn a lot from each other... just that the relationship needs to come to an end.

 

good luck - we are here for you!