One ounce of HOPE is all you need

[Need1ozHope]

Well, its been 7 months of both agony, lonely times and a sprinkle of happiness here and there. My ex, she dumped me the first week of January. Thankfully I found this website right away and immediately enforced NC (which by the way is a genius idea). As the dumpee, I felt like that was it. 5 and a half years of love and commitment went down the drain the day she broke up with me. Or did it? Just last week she calls me so technically I didnt break contact. It was so nice to hear her voice. I started to remember all the good times we had together...

 

Basically, last night we hung out. We talked for a LONG time. She made it very clear that she loves me dearly and wants to work things out.

 

Problem:

We both lost our virginities to eachother and just found out that we had multiple partners during the 7month separation.

 

For those with experience, can you make suggestions on what we can do to make this work? I love her so much and would love to rekindle what we once had.

 

Question:

Will it be easy for us to get over the fact that we both had the multiple partners? Mine were more of a "fling" thing while hers were emotionally involved. I have the feeling she has been hurt by these people and finally realized that I am truly what she wants. The love is there. I feel it, I see it and it just seems right. What to do? Do I jump back into the relationship? Take it slow? Go with the flow? Im lost... Sorry for the blabbering

 

1ozhope

[Viper62382]

I would definitely take it REAL slow. Control where the relationship goes now. There are many great threads on here by Majord23. Search for them and follow them. I am sure someone who has a better ability to explain to you what I mean will post on here and better inform you of your choices. Just hang in there.

[DN]

Both of you need to realise that the fact you were unable to make a connection with anyone else means you are each #1 in each other's eyes - you should be both pleased and proud of that fact.

 

In other words - treat it as a positive not a negative.

 

Make sure you both understand why you broke up and what you need to do to fix those problems.

[lady00]

I agree with all the advice given so far. I think you should really make sure that the reasons you split in the first place are gone or that you have a plan to overcome them. Otherwise, it won't work. Congratulations and good luck!

[Need1ozHope]

I truly appreciate all the advice given. Is there anyone with first hand experience that can chime in and give their $.02

[lady00]

I reconciled with an ex once. It ended soon after. My advice is don't repeat one of my mistake of just jumping right back into the relationship without making sure that we both fully trusted each other and were 100% okay with what had happened in the past because we were in a rush not to talk about it anymore and move on. I think that was unhealthy. We should have discussed the problems and agreed on what to do to make sure they didn't show up again. It's tempting to just jump right in, but I suggest you both treat it as a new relationship. That means starting slow and gradually building a relationship with mutual understanding and lots of communication about what you both want and expect from each other.

[joyce1412]

i agree with lady00. you have to take it super slow and approach it as a new relationship. remember those dates in the beginning where you didn't have to sleep with each other to have a great time? (well, we hope. and you talked for hours and hours, learning all about each other? that's how you should aim to spend your time together. besides being the safest way it should also be kinda fun, although it's a little un-fun talking about your issues...which should also be done.

 

as for the sleeping with other people, again, if you're treating this as a NEW relationship, you can't be upset with each other for this. what's in the past is in the past, and if you were seeing a totally new girl, you wouldn't kill yourself thinking about the people she had been with before you. just get tested to be sure that it's safe, and try to understand that you clearly matter more to each other than past flings or lovers. you had some time away from each other, now it seems you've seen the light and can fully appreciate one another...think about it that way.

[Need1ozHope]

I now found out one of her partners was a highschool friend/classmate... Its very disturbing. How should I go about this news? This isnt a friend whom I have his phone number stored in my cellphone... But I was friends with him in HS and occasionally run into him every so often.

[Viper62382]

The man in me says beat his head in. But ofcourse thats not rational. I say if you ever bump into him, be the man you are, make sure he does not come nere her again.

[lady00]

I now found out one of her partners was a highschool friend/classmate... Its very disturbing. How should I go about this news? This isnt a friend whom I have his phone number stored in my cellphone... But I was friends with him in HS and occasionally run into him every so often.

 

I think you need to let that go. You were not together at the time so whatever she did, it really isn't something that you should allow yourself to get upset over. She was free to do as she pleased, and so were you. If you want your relationship with her to last this time around, don't make a big deal of her dating an old highschool friend whom you aren't even good friends with.

[Jayar]

I just wanted to wish you good luck, that's all... I decided not to reconcile with my ex because I just won't be able to get over the hurt and pain. But I think by the sounds of it you have a really good chance here.

[Captain34]

so be a man and do the hard thing...play aloof and dont provide her with a desirable reaction.

[empty421]

i wish you the best of luck...whatever happens, you will come out stronger in the end..with them or without them

[Need1ozHope]

I think you need to let that go. You were not together at the time so whatever she did, it really isn't something that you should allow yourself to get upset over. She was free to do as she pleased, and so were you. If you want your relationship with her to last this time around, don't make a big deal of her dating an old highschool friend whom you aren't even good friends with.

 

 

Its kind of hard to just let it go. When I think of her, I get a blurry image of "him" in my thoughts. Think I will get over it? Or will it haunt me as long as im with her?

[walkingwithaghost]

be careful, don't let her break your heart again. she may have come back to your after getting her by these other dudes and she may not really want you. she just wants you to comfort her (she might not even realize she's doing this, so just be careful).

[joyce1412]

Its kind of hard to just let it go. When I think of her, I get a blurry image of "him" in my thoughts. Think I will get over it? Or will it haunt me as long as im with her?

 

well, think of the other girls you were with, and what they meant to you. essentially, nothing, right? and she means so, so much to you. so just know that she feels the same way about the guys she was with versus you.

 

you really can move past this.

[lady00]

Well, if you think you can't let it go then don't get back together with her because it's not fair to her to hold that against her, especially when you yourself saw other women during the time you two were broken up. This is one of the perils of getting back together...handling what happened in between. If this woman really means a lot to you, you'll be able to get through it. If you can't let it go, then let her go. Good luck with everything.

[Need1ozHope]

Thanks everyone... I have a better understanding of the situation now.

 

walkingwithaghost- I sure hope this is not the case. We spent 5 and a half years together. I know she loves me.

 

Lady00- I couldnt agree with you more. The thing is, I dont know if I can let it go or not... As of this moment, I cant let it go but who knows if time is all I need to get over it... I would love to hate love but I cant