Healing but friend as new man????

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey all!

I don't even know if this is the right place to post anymore. I'm feeling way better after the break up - it was 3 months ago now...I phased him out of my life, kept to NC, and it's worked. I still feel bad if I hear about him but I've also moved into different circles, started my career going. Everything is good.

 

BUT!!!!!!! I still need help guys.

I have been spending time with a male friend I've known since I was 12. We were in the same friendship group in school until 18 and then we went down separate paths. Met up once a year for catch-up. He's always liked me and I've always been in relationships with other people. His girlfriend, he found out 3 months ago, was sleeping with some other guy and living with him for their entire 10 month relationship. We've been kind of rebounding with no sex or lustful interaction - just admitting we'd rather call each other so we dont call them, that kind of stuff. then it's sort of changed dynamic. He met this ex-girl who came back begging for him. I was jealous but also hoping he'd do what was right for him and be happy. He wasn't sure what to do with her and didn't know if he could trust her again (as a friend, I like his other friends, counselled against getting back with someone like that).

 

One night we kissed. Just stood and made out for about 20minutes. But I've been keeping my distance and saying we aren't ready for relationships and if I have one it needs to be with someone fresh not someone Ive known for my entire life of being old enough to date. Someone no-one knows. What is that about? I can't stand the idea that all my relationships (bar one) have been with 'boys' from the same year and school as me. Like I'm working through the class register. I know people that get married to people from school but it always seems embarrassing. I dont want to be with another person everyone knows and will laugh at me for being with. They all live in the same little area and stuff...i dunno.

 

Right so, the issue...I have feelings for him. I'm scared and have told him and been honest. I WAS fearful of anything sexual, after my ex I couldn't perceive it as anything but disgusting. Now...well now I'm wanting to be with him like that, but I dont want to be a slag or a tease so nothing has happened...im so cold and distant he's lucky to get a hug out of me. That then changes my mood and i go really frustrated and confused...he's a really indepth emotional talker and i am, but i can't go down this conversation with him. And im not doing so well here.

 

I really like this guy. I've known him for years. We've always had this thing but never gone there. He set himself this mission to prove that men can be good and caring and kind. He walked in the rain 6miles to my house, bought me a dvd, watched crap tv, makes me tea, rolls me cigarettes, lets me call at 4am if i want. We click well, we talk about 2 hours every day if not more. I'm desperatly trying not to see him too much so I can retain my independence but I'm finding it difficult. I think about him a lot and I get tense and frustrated because he's perfect. He makes me feel sooo much but its him...this boy from school turned into this hilarious, caring, interesting man.

 

I really can't stand to get hurt again. I really cant stand for another guy to say he can cope with me not wanting more than friendship and then leaving me because they can't cope. but now i kissed him. And if he touches me its like electricity. Really powerful. I focus on what he says and his voice and im losing myself to it when i dont want to.

 

So what am i to do? Why is this happening? Why can't i just be happy to feel this way and go with it or not, why must i keep asking why...im really confsued. Feel I might be turning away the most perfect guy I'll meet for silly reasons but can't seem to do anything else.

Help guys.

xx

[DN]

Just because you have been burnt in the past doesn't mean that you have to fear fire and never feel it's warmth - you learn to treat it with more respect and caution.

[rose2summer]

If you are fearful of getting hurt again and are not ready to give yourself to another, then you aren't ready for a relationship with this guy. You should give out of ABUNDANCE and NOT to receive in return, and here you would be giving away yourself and not out of abundance with the fear of hurt/betrayal, so maybe just take a break and let yourself heal and then you can approach a relationship with this guy. He isn't going anywhere, so you can approach him when you are ready and if he has found someone else at that time, he may just not be the right man for you, and there are many other fish in the sea.

[salmonhead_uk]

Cheers guys.

Though most ironically you both have seemed to show different opinions! Oh dear, just like my head then.

I don't think i am ready. I ended up checking the ex's emails again. It's annoying me cos i just dont have the willpower not to do it once every few weeks. I hate him. Still talking to this woman that lives miles away, but i can't forget the things he said and the utter rubbish he's coming out with (and spelling wrong) on these emails.

I know it should'nt matter but reading rude stuff about yourself is just hard to take, it makes me want to email her and tell her how it all really went down, but I'd never do it- I think that's a little extreme, when what I'm doing is already stalkerish.

Thing is, I dont miss him. I truly don't. But I've never told him how much I hate him, just to get it off my chest at him. I always end up trying to boost his confidence (this is a couple of mnths ago, the last time we talked because he hadn't been paying stuff in my name - affecting my credit-rating). He's a total idiot, and he's fat and ugly. I just wish I'd told him what I think instead of trying not to think bad things...I still hold so much "that's not fair" inside me for countless things in the relationship.

 

I just worry that I'll never get through them and move on to bigger and better things. I have, but my brain seems to take a step back now and again and see whether I can hurt myself - like an ex smoker just having the one. I hate even living in this area where there's a chance I might see him, he honestly deserves the biggest smack ever for his abusive behaviour and I wish I'd given it to him. Not cowered away.

 

Okay, today's rant over. I'm off to see the 'friend' for a big long walk in the semi-rainy day with the dog and then for a roast, yum!

xx