Paranoid, or am I?

[pandaman]

I have been dating a woman who is 13 years younger than me, she is 22. We have been going out for about a year and a half and we get along well for the most part but the sex has always been lacking. It's almost as if our signals are off and she can be very passive aggressive sometimes in terms of dropping comments and also, even though she is beautiful, I had wanted to wait when we first got together and she really wanted to have sex. I think of sex as fun and there should be a lot of communication as far as what feels right and all that, being open about it but she sees it more as sex, why all the talking, let's have sex. She hasn't had a lot of lovers but I'm very attracted to her.

 

However, she has an edge of anger to her or silence or secrecy something that I can't quite pinpoint that has always really turned me off, to the point where I can't perform in bed so that now and really from the start, it seems as if all of the problems about sex have been blamed on that or her feeling like she isn't turning me on or me feeling like I'm letting her down. I performed fine in my last relationship and I do believe in chemistry and a good match sexually but to be honest, I was cheated on badly previously and by a woman who used to sort of behave and at the very least, sort of trigger the same emotions in me the same way this person I am dating now does. Not sure if that makes sense. They aren't the same person and I am aware of that and that girl was younger as well so it may be a maturity thing but I sort of get the same signals and it makes me paranoid. A lot of times she can be fun and open and we laugh and really get each other but there are times where she will be unresponsive, secretive, vague and not so much lie but more like omit things.

 

There have been 10-20 occasions I would say since we've been dating where I would casually ask, so what are you up to this weekend and the response will be something like, I don't want to talk about it or she won't even answer the question or answer another thing asked in the context of the question. When it she first did it, I was so taken aback by it, I asked again sort of thinking that she hadn't heard me. As time went on, I started asking a bit more and she began to get annoyed to the point where we eventually had a blowout and she explained to me that certain parts of her life are her own and private.

 

Sometimes when it happens, she'll tell me part of the story up until the end and then there's sort of a missing part or almost like she doesn't have an answer, like something happened, a story about hanging out with friends and then I'll be like, well, where did you guys end up after the party and she'll say, I don't know. I then say, what do you mean you don't know? I don't even know how to respond. Most of it revolves around friends I've never met or things like that whereas she is totally open about other aspects of her life, just this one area. She has eluded to the fact that I don't know about a lot of painful things in her past although I know more than most. I don't really feel lied to so much as confused as to why someone can't answer a basic question. I only started asking things in a probing and annoying way when I sort of got odd answers to innocent and very basic questions.

 

Sometimes, I'll ask, what did you end up doing after work and she'll say , oh I just went home, hung out etc and then other times she'll say, I don't know or the question will get avoided and I'll either ask again or let it go. It never gets answered nor has it ever gotten answered. the more I press, the more I get pushed away and accused of being jealous so I have let it go but it creates a distance. I could care less what she does really and I don't know if she knows that. I trust her but the odd responses to basic questions really set of a red flag of something else going on that I'm not supposed to know about. perhaps it is her developing boundaries or just being private and I need to understand that but the relationship feels limited because of the sort of stalemate with this issue and my mind goes to bad places in my head since I was previously cheated on.

 

I don't know why or what would make someone answer questions that way or if I'm reading too much into it. There has and still is just something else going on. I don't really make an effort to keep tabs or any of that but what is there to be secretive about when all I seek are basic answers to basic questions? If a casual time we were going to hang out gets postponed on her end, I say sure, no problem, do you have plans? NO ANSWER! or I DON'T KNOW? It must mean something and I have yet to really experience it yet.

[Dako]

Welcome to the forum, pandaman.

Not to be picky, but you might break that into paragraphs to help us read it more easily. Thanks.

[pandaman]

It has been done, thanks.

[itsallgrand]

Hi Pandaman. (cute name)

 

Well, the way you describe your gf she sounds like me near that age. oy!

 

Not too sure what you would like advice about.

 

I would say, based on my experience, if you are looking for her to change her ways..... It could take a long time, or never happen at all. If you really love her and see a future with her though, it's worth a shot to at least try and to get it all out there.

 

Obviously, no one knows what is going on with her except her. But; for whatever reasons, she is being secretive and defensive. She is keeping a wall up, creating a block in how far this relationship can go.

 

I don't think you are being paranoid: the way she acting and withholding info in a defensive, inappropriate manner would make most people's minds start going and filling in the blanks. She's not being open with you. It takes its toll.

And you deserve a healthy, open relationship where you aren't left hanging or having insecurity fed.

 

Have you spoken to her about how you feel about all this?

 

Y'know, when i was acting this way, my bf at the time sat me down and calmly layed it all out for me: his thoughts, his feelings, said he loved me and wanted to know me, asked what is wrong, whatever it is you can tell me and we can work on it together.

 

She may not even realize how large of a problem it is. It may have worked for her up until now...'mysteriousness' and keeping people at bay.

 

Let her know it isn't working. That would be my suggestion. Most likely a big heart-to-heart of that sort will have her either bawling or bailing. Either way, she needs to know. And, it could be a big turning point for her. you never know.

 

hope this helps somehow

[cranbers]

I would say any women, who sleeps with you. then when asked what she is doing this week end and says its non of your business. Well I would say 3 different things, first of all this is a warning sign. She is either seeing someone else, is running a drug cartel or has a issue she doesn't want you to know about.

 

So with that in mind, I would say tell her to tell you as a show of trust, or tell her you will have secrets as well and play the same game. either she doesn't trust you, doesn't want you to know something about her you may not like or is just plain weird.

 

One thing though, be prepared to break up with this girl. I would be very very cautious and wear protection everytime anything sexual happeneds. Most likely she is doing something with her friends that is bad news and non of your business, because if it was you would most likely not want to have anything to do with her. There can be no other explanation, unless it is something really dumb and things you will find it. for example, she runs a sex party with her friends. She goes ot raves and gets wasted on heroin and cocaine. Maybe she is bi sexual and is going to have a orgy. I mean its just one of those things where when a women tries to pull that secret stuff on you, its never good. Sorry for the graphics and extreme maybe but as I said be prepared for anything.

[RayKay]

Yeah, I am going to just come right out and say she is at the very least lying about something big - drugs, whatever, and very likely cheating or at least with one person, or with many. Maybe she has a "weekend guy".

 

If you are in a relationship with her, it is NOT unusual for you to ask what she is up to on the weekend, and it IS odd that she keeps it that secretive.

 

Sure, we all need our privacy, but outright secrecy when you ask about the weekend, or where she went out (she doesn't KNOW...she can't even lie, she just turns passive-aggressive on you and suddenly does not "know" and then blames you for being jealous?).

 

Of course you are suspicious...she is clearly hiding something! She is being defensive...and that is one of the biggest signs of guilt. If she was NOT hiding anything, she would just say "oh well, Amy and I plan on going to the waterpark, then out for slurpees" not "don't ask me, stop being so jealous, that's MY business".

 

Don't blame gut feelings on being paranoid...you HAVE been cheated on so you are more in tune to things like this...don't ignore them.

[Dako]

Either she's hiding something that would chase you off or she's playing the most destructive mindgames ever.

 

I think she may be pretty only on the outside.

[isaan70]

I just had time to glance quickly through all the posts, one thing that struck me is her age & your age difference. Maybe she feels that you are being like a "parent" figure?? Not that that should excuse her behaviour, but I remember how I was at that age........you can imagine the rest.