My marital problems, should I divorce?

[hardcharger]

what can I say, you have it pretty rough! You have to decide what to do about it. It's all yours. I very much doubt she will ever change, that is one thing you can count on.

[cranbers]

My wife has told me multiple reasons for not wanting to have sex. Everything from it's painful to not wanting to get pregnant to she feels like she is being raped to she feels ill when she does with me, she hates me so much. That pretty much sums it up, but then I am told if I have a snip snip, we can have sex whenever. But then she will say she wants to have another baby. So I have no clue how to read this mess, I mean if it hurts thats understandable, she doesn't want to get pregnant we can use condoms or whatever. She says there is still a risk though and its not acceptable. If it is she hates me so that having sex makes her ill, well then what can you say to that. So what is the real reason? I haven't a clue, if those are all valid real reasons then we shoudln't be married.

[cranbers]

the thing I hate the most though, knowing that sex is important to me then giving me crap about wanting it. Saying things like all i want is to spend all our money and have sex then i would be complete and happy. well i don't really see that being the truth, would it make me happier and not feel deprived or neglected yeah definetely. I mean I feel like the money I make is almost slave labor. She wants to live for when she is 65 appearently wants to save for retirement. Ever seen that commercial that has the little kid in the store asking the clerk if he can buy just one twinkie, then sayes I am saving for retirement. Then goes to the movie threatre and says, "i want a medium popcorn" The women is so happy she hugs him and its a celebration. Credit card or bank commercial or something. But tha tis my wife for you.

 

she buys herself nothing and expects the same of me. i don't operate like that I guess. I like buying things and enjoying my money or at least I want to. I mean when we first met I had been in this state for about a year. Just back from korea, I sold everything before I left so when I got here I had nothing. I lived in the army barrecks, with nothing. No car no tv no computers or anything like that. so I went out and bought stuff, a tv, sound system, computer and a car. Added up to about 25k 5k on credit and 20 on a new car. I was making 1800 a month cash with no other bills. She told me I was very carless with money and that is why the no buying anything is still in effect. Keep in mind I have a credit score of 780 with no debt in fact we have such a posative worth its incredible, ours sons college is already paid off as well so in 2023 he is all set, even if he doesn't get any kind of scolorship. Now was all this possible becuase i didn't buy anything for the last 3 years I am sure it didn't hurt it but as i said we have such a higher income to debt ratio. there is no reason or excuse for me not being able to buy small stuff that I want, 100 dollars here 300 there. I mean she doesn't even want me to have a link removed movie through the mail rental plan for 18 dollars a month.

[cranbers]

also another thing that bothers me is the simple fact she wanted this baby so bad, yet she doesn't want to spend time with him. her way of thinking is this, if she an't spend all her time with him, she doesn't want to spend any time at all. I mean with me working at night she has no choice but to watch him at night a few days a week so from 7pm till he goes to bed till he wakes up in the middle of the night till he wakes up in the morning, she is with him. then I get him at 7am and take him to daycare then I do my thing she is at work.

 

The thing that bothers me is that, she literally works 2 miles away from his daycare. she has to drive by it to get to work. Now i have to drive 10 miles one way to take him to daycare, then drive home then go back to pick him up in the evening. There are times I even follow her we leave at the same time in the morning, she goes to work and i take him to daycare. Why cant she take him? i asked her this and she simply tells me i dont do anything else so i should. I spend at least 35 dollars a week driving him to daycare. I mean she won't even say sure ill take him a day or two a week.

[cranbers]

I am looking at the amount of stuff I have written on this thread, its pretty sad. I think I could write a book on this relationship, a novel is more like it. But it feels kind of good to write this and know others are reading it. People like Shadow light giving me some great advice.

[DN]

Reading your thread compels me to say that I think you should either tell her unequivocally that your marriage needs a major turn-around or you will file for divorce. I don't usually advise ultimatums but this situation cries out for one.

 

You aren't so much her husband more like her child.

[hardcharger]

I think you should either tell her unequivocally that your marriage needs a major turn-around or you will file for divorce. I don't usually advise ultimatums but this situation cries out for one.

if you do, make sure you have body armour on! that is a scary thought, I doubt she takes ultimatums well...

[cranbers]

You know if this was all just the way she is, then she should have horns and a pitch fork. However I think she is this way simply because her life has been very rough the last few years. Maybe she is mentally ill, maybe she is at her wits end. She blames it all on me though and punishes me accordingly. I know she is like this because her life has thrown her a lot of blows. Blamingit on me isn't ok though of course. but I have been living with it for so long I almost just find it as being normal. It's not until I tell someone that I truly realize just how bad it is. My loved ones, meaning my sister and my mom and friends from mn, all say that I am being abused, that this relationship is not healthy and I need to do something, divorce her does come up on a regular basis. but I don't its almost like if she isn't actively driving me out, trying to kic me out of hte house or try to piss me off so much that I want to leave. I don't, I have times to leave during the day without being held back or interrupted but I feel guilty. I feel like I would be abandoning her and my son. I am not saying I would run away, but just move elseware and then let her know after its done. if I do it in front of her, she does things like threaten to hurt herself, hurt my son, block the door to keep me from leaving. then I imagine the police would have to get involved. She may get violent, I really dont know. But its always a major event me leaving, she will usually guilt trip me out.

[cranbers]

the biggest issue on her mind right now is wanting to quit her job. She says her job is so stressful that it causes her to eat uncontrollably. the food helps the stress. it is my fault she is still their as I said she could stop working after she had our son. Now keep in mind, I was getting out of the army 6 months after he was born. I was going to have to find a new job which could or could not be sucessful. I didn't think it was wise to have both of us unemployed if it came down to it. so I suggested, not mandated or told her to stay. i said what I thought was best she went with it without much argument. but she lashes out at me like now, when she is tressed at her job she tells me crying that i said she could leave 2 years ago, that I am somehow keeping her there now. well she says she wants to quit on a regular basis. keep in mind now she is very successful and makes a lot of money and has put a lot of time and energy into her current job. everything is wrong with her job from the people she works with to the work load to people treating her like crap etc etc. She has changed jobs several times at the company, taking up different manager positions etc. But keep in mind she is 26 years old and has been at this company for 4 years. She expects because of her success she has had so far she is owed a higher position, such as a director. She is very smart and know she job she could very easily do that kind of position in fact she has for awhile when no one else was there to take it. But they hired somebody else to fill that position instead of giving it to her. She felt that was very unfair. But given her age and experience, no matter how successful you have beent hus far who is going to take a 26 year old women seriously in a corporate environment. Everyone under her would be her age or older. That would cause alot of flak and i am sure taht is what they were thinking. My wife doesn't understand this so she wants sto quit do to her being treat unfairly or screwed. I don't know just another insight into issues we have.

[cranbers]

So yes i have finally decided to leave her, finally. It only took her sleeping at another mans house and lying about it and me figuring it all out by putting the pieces together.

 

So monday I moved out and have already started to see change, there is no more black mail or crazy threats. so I hope this is a good sign there will be change.

 

I have signed up for an apartment and have 30 days to accept. There really will have to be some big changes before I will move back in to her house. So living with her parents will be interesting but I was lucky. Staying in a hotel for 30 days would not be an option, so this seem to be a middle ground between getting an apartment and all that. I get along well with her family and I work at night so I won't even be there all that much.

[yancey]

Wow!

 

Whats crazy is that my wife is almost the same way! Your description of your wife fits mine to almost a T. The difference is the sex part isn't that bad. The whole controlling and nagging is exactly the same. HAHA!

 

cranbers. I definitely feel for you. I guess the best thing to happen was to have her cheat on you like she did, otherwise you would still be in that hell of a marriage you had.

 

I'm still married to my wife but its been better lately primarily because I do EVERYTHING she tells me to do. As long as I'm not out with friends, or even doing anything fun than she won't yell at me.

 

Now i just gotta figure out how to get my wife to cheat on me so i can have a good excuse to leave my marriage.

 

cranbers..I am dead serious, and not poking fun. My wife truly could be your wifes sister.

[ERICBIGE27]

i'm going thru some similar situations and would like some input on some topics on should i divorce my wife?

[DN]

i'm going thru some similar situations and would like some input on some topics on should i divorce my wife?

Eric, the best thing would be for you to make your own thread, explain your situation and see what people have to say.