My marital problems, should I divorce?

[cranbers]

Well here is my long story shortened. Me and my wife have been married for 37 months. We have one child who is 2, a boy. We were married after only knowing each other for 3 months. I met her a few months after she left her fiance of 2 years and had a car accident and lost a baby all within a few months of each other. Her ex fiance who was about 10 years older at 33 was a physician's assistant and made well into the six figures for a salary, they had a dream house being built, they were planning their dream wedding and she was 4 months pregnant with his child. It ended by her finding out he was sleeping with a 18 year old on the side. She left him being 4 months pregnant, a house they were buying together until their dream house was finished was put on her. So she was 4 months pregnant alone, and stuck with a quarter of a million dollar house. to make matters worse, a month later she was in a bad accident which made her have a miscarriage. When I met her this all happened a few months earlier.

 

I was in the army, I met her off of aol one night in the chat room. We got along ok, she didn't tell me her sad story or anything. We ended up meeting, we got along ok. I guess I just never left. I ended up moving in about a month later. We got married 3 months after that. She was pregnant with my child at this time. I wasn't sure what to do so I decided to merry her. The day before we were to be married she lost the baby which was only a few weeks after the pregnant test was posative. The wedding which obviously was going to be a courthouse ordeal with no one to witness or anything, I never even met her parents who lived 2 miles away which should of told me something. I married her anyway, I felt like if I didn't merry her I would of just been doing it because she was pregnant.

 

Well anyway, so we get married no honeymoon or anything. She is very upset about the miscarraige. Obvoiusly loosing the first baby that she was looking forward to having was very tragic, even though she won't admit it.

 

6 months of trying and failing, meaning testing posative for pregnancy and then having a miscarriage within a few weeks was very tough on her. I felt very bad, even though I wasn't ready to be a dad yet I continued to try and make her happy. We did finally and successfully have our son after being together for about a year and a half.

 

So that is the story on how I got in my situation now. My situation now is, my wife is controlling. She controls my spending habits as in I get to buy nothing without getting yelled at. That is not the main problem obviously but doesn't help. We have no sex life, no intimacy no romance no flirting kissing cuddling goofing around, nothing. She gets mad at me if I touch her in any way that is sexual. We havne't had sex in almost a year. When we have had sex it's very uneventful and almost uncomfortable, almost like I feel guilty.

 

That was how it was, it has now turned into a blame game. I am blamed for everything especially her depression. She is extremely depressed, she has a eating disorder and is suicidal. I currently work at night and I am going to a online school to finish my bachelors degree. My son goes to day care during the day, my wife works. She is very successful at her job. But she blames me for having to stay there and keep working. I told her it's fine to quit but she is worried that I will leave her at that time. She is also worried I will give her a lot of negative comments after she does quit. She thinks I am only with her because of the money she makes I guess. However, I am unable to buy anything anyway I tell her. She thinks because I want stuff that I do get it or something when clearly I don't.

 

so yeah there are a ton of problems here. We have gone to counceling but that seems to make it 10 times worse after. When thnigs are swept under the rug it seems to be almost managable. yes a spark will ignite a 4 alarm fire within minutes but it never seems to end with us apart. I have left multiple times, even one time calling the police to get out. But she ended up calling me like nothing happened and I am asked if I am coming home. I say I guess and go back.

 

What drives me back however is my son, and the fear of being alone and on my own. I lived with my mom, then my cousin then I was in the army until I met her. Not to mention I now live a thousand miles away from where I grew up, where my friends and family are. So having no support system doesn't help. She is very controlling and has tried to convince me no matter what I do everything that is wrong in her life right now is my fault. So what can you do.

 

I forgot to mention we sleep in different beds for 2 years now. Due to my snoring which is understandable but adds to the negatives. Also she hates my siste, me and my sister are best friends she is kind of a like a mother to me. My mother was in and out of hospitals most of my childhood, so she was the one who raised me mostly. i can talk to her about anything and I mentioned that ot my wife. As a result she hates her and I have not seen my sister in over 3 years. I have a neice who is a little older then my son. I am unable to see her because my wife is so controlling. My sister obvoiusly doesn't like her and knew this was going to be troulbe from the start. My wife and my sister hate each other, and they never met how sad and rediculous is that?

 

cran

[DN]

Perhaps you should tell her that you are unhappy with the marriage, that you need have another try at marital counselling with both of you making an effort to save the marriage and that if she will not agree you will file for divorce and seek joint custody of your child.

 

Before you do that I think you would be wise to consult a lawyer to find out what your likely position regarding child custody etc,. would be in the event of a divorce.

[cranbers]

She knows this we tell each other all the time how unhappy we are usually while we are yelling at each other, the difference is that she says it using reverse psychology. A kind of if I say this he will say how he feels kind of thing. when she is relaly upset she tells me it would all be easier if she didn't love me. But then in the next breath it's a she wants a family and she never would of had a child etc etc. so yeah a bad bad situation. She will usually try to stop me from leaving by standing in front of the door. trying to get me to hit her or something. I would never hit her and I never have. There have been some close calls though, I have never been so mad at someone I wanted to hit them, except her and my mom. I have lost control a few times, but no I never hit htem I went after something else, like the couch or bed spread. just a quick 2 second rage, then i am fine. It takes a few months of frustration to get to that point though. Literally a few months of constant yelling, controlling comments.

 

I also forgto to mention she thinks I am lazy, doing dishes, cleaing the house laundry the yard stuff like that. Now of course i do these things. do I do them always and on a regular basis? No, but I do them as often as she does. But because she does them at all, means I don't do them ever.

[hoppy27]

wow...........your on some pickle. i can only comment from what i have read above. i think your wife has some issues that need to be dealt with.

if she wont do it with you then leave her and let her figure it out on your own. believe me dont do it for your child. i admire your want to keep the

"family" together. im a product of a single mother. at 29 years old i turned out pretty good. you can still be a huge part of your childs life even if you decide to divorce. you are in a situation i hope to never be in bro.

i really feel for you. it sounds you may have married for the wrong reasons. a child on the way is no reason to tie the not.

i hope you can sort this all out. have you sat her down and told her all of what you have said here? what was her response? if she doesnt change

i would leave for your own sanity. your wife seems to be dragging you down. up until the child was born was this around the time things changed? i ask this because it appears that your wife had the need to have a child. with the miscarriages mixed in she........it must have gotten to her. i went through this once with my ex. its something i think about often. i wonder what if..................

anyway im sorry to hear this story. its pretty sad to be honest. please let us know what happens.

[DN]

Have you tried sorting out the problems without yelling? I mean recently?

[cranbers]

Well, sitting down and not yelling. we talk on a regular basis. But all she can say is simply, oh you would only be happy if i spread my legs and had a laptop between them. She is having some sort of crisis in her life right now. She hates her job, she is stressed out. She hates me becasue I work at night and to top if tall off she hates watching our son at night. He wakes up twice to have a bottle, yes at two that is a bit rediculous. She refuses to agree with me on how to get him to stop. So yet another thing to argue and fight about.

 

But to answer your question, have we sat down and not yelled about the situation we are in. yes, but it always leads to rude comments of disliking each other. but it always ends up the same, we go to bed and get up the next morning and it all begins again. there are fews days where things are not like this. Recently she has been really just nuts, crying all the time about her weight etc. She has a eating disorder, she eats becasuse she is stressed as a result she gains weight, as a result she wants to throw up after she eats . She is getting help but she will only admit to the doc its her job. That I work a tnight and it doesnt help etc.

[cranbers]

I didn't merry her because she was pregnant, I married her because i felt sorry she just lost the baby I was going to merry her originally for. I also though of it more as I was trying something new, I never been married before I though it would work. She was a smart girl who needed someone. I seen alot in her and she was pretty nice at the time. Over time though it has gotten worse and worse. So now its a matter of being stuck with her because I have a son I don't want to see without a full time dad. I didn't have a dad growing up, never knew who he was. I certainly don't want that to happen. Also being with him and watching him grow up over the last two years it will be tough to leave him. I need to though and I know this, but I have to wait for her to at least get a little better mentally.

[hardcharger]

I think that if divorce has to happen then doing it early in the marriage is the best course of action. I sympathize with the pain you are having, I have experienced some of the same things you mentioned, but not nearly as severe. Marriage is an eye opener isn't it?? If you are only married a very short time and it is so terrible, and you are being totally honest about what you part in the problems might be and are doing everything in your power to try to keep it together, and saying that you are in a Living Hell everyday, there is only so much you can take. I would never tell you if you should divorce, , that is a decision you should make all by your lonesome. Besides, you don't just "divorce". There will be a period of separation to consider it all and maybe make attempts at reconciliation, it is a long process.

[cranbers]

that is true it will be along process. I guess that also is worrysome. to start all that and have a long drawn out battle is going to suck.

[hardcharger]

marriage is something WE as a society have created, WE created it and WE have made laws that usually don't make it easy because once you make the committment and have the children your responsibilies in life are more than just what is best for yourself. So as a society, WE will say, if it is unbearable, you can get out, but it isn't going to be that easy and it isn't going to be quick, make sure you know what you are doing. Saying that, I know plenty of people who had terrible short first marriages, remarried and seem to be living "happily ever after".

[cranbers]

Thats is very cool to live happily ever after. The sad thing is I think I was happier with ex gf's and I was more in love then I ever was in this marriage. when I go places and i see beutiful women, or even women who are interesting or I find stunning, not super model beutiful but just my type, of beutiful I get butterflies in my stomach. even when my wife is right there or went to the bathroom or something. It's sad to admit that I must say. My wife doesn't do anything to up her appearance at all. She wears average clothes that don't really fit, no makeup. hair in a poney tail. No class, just a working girl with no worries on her looks. She looks ok, but I wonder if that is just because I am used to it. She has never wore makeup since I have known her. I don't think she even owns any. She has lost a great deal of weight over the last few years. Even when she was pregnant she only gained like 15-20 lbs and when my son was born he weighed 8 of that.

 

being with her now is like living with a room mate, we have a business contract, pooling our money together and raising a child. I don't feel any love, would I have sex with her if she would allow it, yes but I don't know how good it would be given the situation. being a man who is 25, sex is a constant thought. When you are denied that and everything else who wouldn't get frustrated and want to leave. She seems to think that it's perfectly normal not to have sex if you don't have to ahvea nother baby. however if married couples only had sex to make babies, I don't think many couples would be married.

[Shadows Light]

Yeah... it "IS" going to suck. However... what is the lesser of two evils? The rate you are going at now is not condusive to a "HAPPY" life or atmosphere for your son to grow up in. Kids are like the empty hard-drive on your computer.. each and every day, everything the both of you do, say or feel.. is getting downloaded in that little brain and shaping that kid.

 

You need to do "SOMETHING"... action is better than stagnation. Have you considered going to counseling yourself? You might get some insight or different view point on how to "problem solve"...

 

The brief history you described has co-dependancy all over it. You felt sorry for her. I don't think I read anywhere the word "LOVE". She needed saving.... a night in shining armor and here you were, fresh from a job that programed you to "defend the weak".. and thats what you did. Co-dependants LOVE to help people, but unfortunately we're a magnet for those that will abuse our good natures. She's beating you down darlin.

 

Try going back to counseling on your own. Just to sort yourself out. And then try MARRIAGE counseling. The both of you really need to "WANT" to work at it and some ground rules need to be set in place. And adhered to...your arguments are NON-PRODUCTIVE.. your like a hamster spinning your wheels.. over and over and over again.

 

She OWNS her own issues. Whatever her head trip is... you are NOT RESPONSIBLE. The game blame has to stop. She knows how you feel about your son and him NOT growing up in a divorce situation.. YOU are being held emotionally hostage.

 

So do something about it. Start looking at all your options. Seek legal counsel to find out your rights. And by all means look for counseling. for yourself... and for the marriage. IF... this thing heads south and you separate.. the counseling for YOU will be good. It'll help keep you on an even keel.

[cranbers]

Wow that was the greatest response I have ever seen or heard in response to my situation. I mean a lot of people would just say, divorce her or damn dude. But to actually get someone that seemed to hit the nail on the head about the situation is nice to finally see.

 

As for going to counceling on my own I guess that would be wise, legal council would be good as well to see my options.

 

thank you for your post I appreciate it.

[Shadows Light]

You are most welcome Cranbers....

 

Its just to damn easy to say.. "DIVORCE HER DUDE". the process isn't that cut and dry.. there's a child involved now. You've got a responsibility for another life there darlin. but its not all doom and gloom.

 

LEARN from this.... why do you do the things you do? why did you make the choices you made? how can you be different? What things can you change? You sure as HEII don't want to do "THIS" all over again do you? History has a habit of repeating itself unless you learn from it.

 

The situation you described doesn't sound like a marriage.. heck it doesn't even sound like a "friendship".. it always surprises me how "MARRIED" people would treat each other disrespectfully.. but they wouldn't take that kind of behavior from their friends. Whats with that??? The only difference between friendship and a marriage is the level of intimacy.. and darlin.. YOU don't even have that.

 

Soooooo..... do something about it. You've done some recon work in the ARMY... strategize this thing out. Look at all your options and then bust a move. Being married is about SHARING your lives together.... its not about emotional or physical servitude.

[hardcharger]

shawdows light is on the $$ and I forgot that I have sought marital counseling on my own 3 separate times in my marriage. The last two times I only made one visit each time but it was well worth the $125. The fact that you are writing your thoughs down and seeking guidance will help solidify your thought and move "this" along. Somehow or another I'm still married, but your situation seems much worse than mine. One more suggestion that has been very helpful for me. About two years ago I started a diary to record these home situations, I now have an undeniable written record of my wife's behavior and it helps me deal with it and realize my helplessness in many of these matters. But for me, considering the kids, the house, the $$, the sex, the family, it has been worth it to stay. I don't know what the future holds for me though...

[cranbers]

Once again thank you for the outstanding post, I get the impression you are a professional? do you have a degree in psychology or a social worker? If so you are better then any actual professional I have been to in my past.

 

As for your post, yeah I agree totally. marriage should be about being friends sharing your lives and adding intimacy. No we don't even have that, nore do we even have a friendship. I have been buying things lately, behind her back. for three years I have not bought anything because I was afraid to. so recently I have just said screw it. It has felt good I feel like I have more of a say so in my life when I do that. But it makes me feel guilty almost like im a kid again and I am sneaking out after dark or something. I feel guilty is the only word to describe it. I am also scared she will find out and I am going to get a whole lot of crap for it. I don't know what she would do, I guess I never thought of that. It's my money i would like to think, we have a whole lot more then we know what to do with. it all goes in the bank, we both have excellent credit, a large savings account with more coming in each month. She still doesn't let me buy anything without acting like I want to spend our entire savings.

 

Anyway yeah, thanks for the post. So are you married also I was curious how old you are? have you ever had anything or heard of a situation like this before?

[Shadows Light]

No.. I don't have a degree in psyche. I do hold a bachlors degree in a different area. Same thing though... once you've learned to dig for information and study.. You become a life long student. I've been reading everything I can get my hands on .. human development, relationship, marriage, verbal abuse, abuse.. etc. Trying to figure "ME" out and figure out how I got to be sittinig here at ground ZERO.. lol. I've been through counseling.. and yeah.. I did the marriage counseling road too. Leave NO STONE unturned... collect all the data, think about it, analyze it.. and then figure out where to go from there and what to do with it.

 

I'm 39 years young.. and I've been divorced for 2.5 years. I have children and YES.. they do take a lot of consideration when making these type of decision. Its not all just about "ME".

 

You are as "STUCK" as you "THINK" you are.

 

Divorce does affect the children.. however, when you take into consideration the long term trade offs... for ME, short term financial discomfort and hard-ships are worth it. I'm a better person today. I'm a better mother to my children. I'm not distracted by trying to "FIX" a relationship thats broken or keep putting patches on it. My children do not have to be subjected to argument or strife. NOW...Some tension and argument is a GOOD THING in a relationship and for the kids to see. As long as there are healthy resolutions and healthy problem solving going on. One of the biggest things I have done and am doing for my kids is remaining "POSITIVE".... I don't talk trash about their father. I don't bash him behind his back. I try to remain positive. No matter what he does... or says.... .or how "HE" chooses to parent. I'm taking the HIGH road. And am hoping in the end... My kids will be healthier than I was in their future relationships.

 

One of the things our marriage counselor told us to do is look at what type of IMPRINTING we each received from our parents. The way that our parents behaved in their marriage is a good indicator as to why we do the things we do.

 

YOU.. didn't have a father figure in your life. So you don't want to drop the ball or carry on the same legacy. It doesn't have to be that way you know. I have a male friend who is divorced. Not by his choice. He is unequivably a BETTER father than a lot of LIVE in fathers.

 

You should NOT have to feel guilty about spending money. I can understand if you were facing financial hard-ships and had to live on a STRICT budget. But it doesn't sound as if that is the case. Can you both agree on a WEEKLY sum each of you get??? What about each of you have a PERSONAL Account.. and then a joint one together???? What would be a good amount for you to set aside for yourself a month??? $100, $200, $300????

 

Add that to your list of things you need to work on. A budget you can both AGREE on.

 

One of the biggest things right now that might help you re-gain some of that control or power from your ALPHA FEMALE WIFE... is learn to detach.

 

Learn to NOT take her digs and jibes personally. When she throws a barb your way... maybe just look at her and imagine her face turning into a "CLOWN" or something funny. Anything that will get you not to absorb her negative energy fireballs.

 

or... if you are having a heated debate that is getting out of control. But both your hands up.. palms out at her.. and say.."STOP" in a tone you would use with a 3 year old. "STOP". And tell her... this is getting us NO WHERE... this discussion has fallen into name calling and the blame game... I'm gonna walk away from you and go for a walk. We can talk about this when we are both in a calmer frame of mind.

 

When you at first stand up to her.. and do this.. she'll think "who are you and what did you do with my husband"... she just may come back later with more venom and force. AGAIN.. have patience... put your palms out and say STOP. You have NO RIGHT to attack me.

 

Practice walking away. Go for a walk... don't go punching pillows or blankets... yeah they are preferable to what you'd really like to do. But you are doing it where she can SEE and HEAR YOU. Those are most definitely aggressive behaviors. Go for a walk.

 

I couldn't save my marriage Cranbar.. and thats ok. Sometimes it can't be saved... but I know I did everything I could with the information I had at the time. Hardcharger is right... the bigger the investment.. the HARDER and more complicated it is to dis-engage. This is the beginning of your marriage... believe me it doesn't get easier from here on out, especially when you guys are acting like adversaries insead of TEAM MATES.

 

You can only control YOU... and YOUR actions and reactions.

[cranbers]

In regards to the budget, no money spent is her budget. We have talked about it if you want to call it that. She said 50 dollars a month. Now when you make enough money where 70 percent of your income is left after all essential bills and everything is paid. That is just extra money, I don't see a problem buying something that I want that costs, 100 dollars or even a thousand a month as long as it's not that often.

 

Anyway when you take away everything that makes life worth living or pleasurable. Including spending money you make on things you enjoy, having sex, having fun and enjoying the people you are around. It really makes life a lot different.

 

As for not taking her seriously it's really difficult. If I don't say anything to keep the argument going she will tell me I am ignoring her. She asks me things like what she should do about over eating about work and about my job. She wants me to give up a job I enjoy and is making it possible for me to get my degree, due to the free time I have to study. My job is very easy, its the night shift and its 60 hours one week 5 12 hour shifts, and then 2 days the next week or 24 hours. One week end i work the other I don't. Before I had this job, which was about 8 months ago I worked 6am-2:30pm. it drove her nuts that I had would bring our son in her room at 5am when I had to leave. It also made her made I had a few hours to myself from 3:30-5pm. she has always complained she has no freetime. When she does have freetime she doesn't spend it doing anything she enjoys. She would rather do housework or something or check her work email or watch tv. Now watching tv to me is more of a past time if your bored, not something you should be doing for relaxing.

 

As for the stopping the argument thing I might try that. Although I have done something similar but its been quite awhile. Usually our arguments are pretty cold. I am pretty mean, but how are you nice to someone when they say the same thing day after day. Then you say nothing, they get mad because you are ignoring them. But yet, you are going to say the same thing you have the last 800 times this conversation has happened. Friday nights or Sunday during the day or even Saturday when I don't have t work is when the magic happeneds.

 

she will say something about my driving ability, she is a backseat driver essentially. so I ask her if you hate my driving so much they why don't you drive. Now I know what a bad driver is like, I would ride with some at my last job. They drive erratic they scare you and if they admit to being in an accident you are not in the least bit surprised. I always obey traffic laws, signal turns etc etc. So anyway, point is something stupid will start the argument.

 

Then it will get out of control. for example talking about sex in some manner will spark something big, if a comment is made in the car. She refuses to have sex because she is convinced she will get pregnant. Then 20 mins later she will say she wants to have another baby. Even when we did have sex when trying to have a baby it wasn't exactly enjoyable or fun. No foreplay no goofing around just get it done. I actually found myself not even able to finish with her I was so bored and felt ashamed. I had to imagine I was with someone else. Now if that isn't sad, I don't know what is. The last few times we did after my son was born was good simply because I was so deprived.

 

Anyway, yeah as you can see the picture I have painted is bleak in deed.

Maybe separation is the only option. There is bullcrap piled so high I can't see over it anymore and I honestly didn't know they piled it that high.

 

I hope to get things figured out soon, because i certainly can't take this and I have such hope for the future of actually finding my true love and taking it slow. Just enjoying myself and not worrying about it because I enjoy being with that person so much there is no rush. Just fun, pleasure and optimism.

[hardcharger]

my poor father has lived with a control freak, today exactly 49 yrs. There are two sides to every story of course, and for years and years I have been listening to how my father is no good, is mean, on and on and on. My father is one of the most gentle, honest men I have ever known. He had a stroke two years ago, lost his ability to talk. So last night she is going on and on mocking him because he is now old and falling and she is abusing him because he is so dumb he doesn't even know how to use a cane. When I go home I sit in that kitchen and I feel if there were hidden cameras, people couldn't believe what goes on and how one person could be so mean to another person that they shared so much with. And I call my parents marriage successful, they raised 3 of us, put us all through school(s). There is no end to my mothers meanness it goes on and on, and is unrelenting, and it has gotten so much worse as my father has aged and can't even possibly defend himself. Fortunately my father never spent a dime on himself all his life(except for newspapers), and even now my mother is under some idiotic idea that he won't get any of her pension, and she loves to tell him while he is sitting right there. It is insanity to live your entire life under those circumstances.

 

Of course the whole trick is to determine what fault is yours. And if my mother posted here you would think she is married to the meannest, nastiest man of all time. So as Shadow's Light stated, you have to find where you are at fault, admit it and look into the shadow's light to find the truth. And yes, if there are irreconcileable differences, it is much easier for all involved to make the break early in a marriage, before the entanglement because deeper.

[cranbers]

If I didn't know better i would say that you were trying to say I am blowing this whole thing out of praportion. That my wife is the sweetest person in the whole world and I am just a mean nasty dude ragging on his wife and in fact, I am essentialy like your mother and your poor innosent dad is in fact my wife, the one who is the victum. I am really confused about your post, were you trying to say what I just said or you were trying to say I am like your poor dad? Because I could see both in there.

 

Sorry to say, what I have said is true. The only way I am at fault for this whole thing is allowing it to continue and allowing her to control me like she does. If you want me to tell my wife's side of the story as she would have you all believe. It would be quite simply her life has gone awful, there needs to be a cause and that would be the person who shares it. If I have not made her life better I have made it worse.

 

Do I say mean things to her when she is already upset because i am tierd of hearing about it over and over, yes. Do I feel she is unfairly kept me away from my family, kept pleasurable things in life away from me almost intentionally just to be cruel, Yes. Would my wife say that she did all this in our best interest, sure. Why does she keep sex from me? Because she doesn't want to get pregnant becasue she would tell you I treated her like crap during her pregnancy. But was she completely irrational her entire pregnancy, did she use the pregnanty against me on a regular basis, yes. No I may not have been justified in telling my wife somewhat mean things and threatening to leave her on a regular basis over the issues I have dicussed above. But keeping someone from anything they enjoy, especially family is wrong. I admit we make a volitile situation. But does that mean I am only telling one side of the story and making myself look completely innosent. I guess I could tell her side, as she would like me to believe it. it has happened where I would tell my side of the story, then add the part where my wife doesn't want me to talk to anyone about our situation, if she knew I posted my story on here she would loose her mind. Is that control? Not letting you talk about your situation with anyone? I am unable to talk to anyone about this, especially my sister because she feels I am just talking smack about her. Is that control for a reason? I don't know I guess.

 

So once again how am I at fault? Well like I said i allow this to continue. I don't take control, I don't force the issue of money is both of ours not just hers. What can she do to me if I spend half of the money I personally make a month that is extra on whatever I wanted which numbers in the thousands of dollars. she could'nt do much, threaten to divorce me? Sure, but I would welcome that if she would just stick to it.

[Shadows Light]

link removed by Patricia Evans (Paperback - Mar 1996)

 

 

link removed by Beverly Engle. This is an excellent book that every individual in an abusive relationship should read.

 

link removed by Phillip W. Cook. A scholarly book with many men's stories.

 

here are a few books for you to read that might help you understand the "MIND" of an abusive person.

 

Also..

 

link removed

 

is a great site on verbal & emotional abuse. You'll find a lot of information and other people in your situation.

 

There are more women out there who report verbal/emotional abuse than there are men. I think the % of cases are skewed because men are too embarrassed to report that their wives are the aggressors.

 

Educate yourself. Knowledge is empowering.

 

When your wife accuses you of ignoring her... just say... "Yes, I am... until you can discuss "XYZ" with some semblance of fairness without pointing fingers, without degrading comments, tearing me down and beating me into the ground, I choose to "CLICK THE REMOTE" switch to another channel... and NOT address you at this time." Stay calm.... stay rational... and stay in control of yourself.

 

She is questioning you on what to do with her eating disorder. You arn't a nutritionist and you aren't a doctor... what could you possibly do or say? She's questioning you on her job... there is NOTHING you can do to help her aside from LISTENING to her and being supportive of her. Its her job and she owns it.

 

Children... lol. They're a lot of work arn't they. Its not all sweetness and lullabyes.. and with them come walking the floor boards till the wee hours of the morning. I know.. I did it, by myself and held down a full time job. The phase passes quickly where they are continuously up every few hours and in the ideal world.. YES, both parents would take the resposibiliity. I didn't have that luxury. So I sported bags under my eyes and looked shell shocked for a year or two.. I made it to the other side. I'm amazed when I hear of women who pass thier kids onto thier husbands and can go back to sleep unscathed. YIKES. Didn't have that luxury.

 

Intimacy. Intimacy is about a whole lot more than just Sex. I tried for many years to find that... niche. That special something... hobby, sport, whatever...........something we'd be able to share. It never happened. And when I married, I thought I'd married my best friend. Somewhere along the line I'd lost that best friend. I wonder what we had in common at all in the beginning except for amazing sex and the pillow talk afterward. My mistake. But thats youth for you.

 

I'm single right now and re-evaluating what it means to be in a relationship. Not a marriage but a relationship. The whole Marriage institution is dated and needs to be redefined. I don't believe there should be a sense of entitlement or ownership that comes along with that little scrap of paper. I am not GOD and have no right to beat someone down physically/emotionally/spiritually... and no one has the right to do that to me either.

 

The relationship you describe is more of a parent/child relationship. She is trying to shape you, mold you and motivate you into a direction that "SHE" wants. You hopped on that train because it was something that "YOU" needed at the time. And now you are like that rebellious teen ager rebelling against the parent and pushing for your freedom.

 

When you "allow" someone to cross that boundary they will. You "allowed" her to cross that boundary quite a while ago... and now you are trying to build fences and push back. You are in a push/pull situation. Its going to keep happening until something gives. To tell you the truth... she doesn't respect you. She's treating you like a child instead of a partner. Controlling your time, money and actions.

 

What she chooses to do with her TIME... ie watching TV is her choice. If she wants to spend her free time staring off into space.. its her choice. Don't critisize her for it. When she hurls a fire-ball at you on how you spend your time.. don't fight fire with fire. Simply say.."thats how I choose to spend my free time." One of the biggest mistakes people make is "feeding the dragon"... they fight fire with fire and it quickly disintegrates into a power truggle and a 3 alarm fire. Out of control.

 

Division of labor. You mentioned there's a big problem with division of labor. This is a big trigger for me. LOL. And I've tried many times unsuccessfully to find a solution. I'd created an excell spread sheet of the chores that NEED to happen on a daily basis...weekly basis.. monthly basis. I posted it and told him to "PICK" his poison. These are the things that NEED to be done because we both share a living space. I don't want to be anyones MOMMY and tell them what to do. I want more "ME" time.. and I want to feel less resentment.... so have at it. THIS didn't work for me. WHY???? because it was too late. I had set a precident in the beginning of the marriage by doing it all, taking the responsibilities on "MY" shoulders. He'd had it pretty damn easy... and had free time galore. He went from Mama's house... to Mommy's house... having women take care of him. He wasn't about to "CHANGE" ... lol. And apparently... it wasn't worth it to him. He didn't value it.

 

Find a happy medium that will satisfy the "BOTH" of you. Divide the house if you have to. A friend of mine decided what was important to her... what was important was the kitchen and her bed-room. So "THOSE" were solely her responsibility. She couldn't complain or critisize her husband about the FAMILY ROOM. She let him own it. She owned the kitchen. Did things according to HER time, Her schedule and her preference. If he vaccumed the dust bunnies only once a month... she had no right to critisize.. he OWNED it. She chose the kitchen and the bedroom because those are places she spent the most of her time. Trying to find this type of compromise... might help you.

 

What did I learn from my marriage??? I don't consider it a FAILED marriage because I did LEARN from it. And I'm still learning from it. I learned that I need to set my boundaries up front of what is acceptable and not acceptable to me. But that wisdom only comes from experience... I couldn't have seen that any other way than having lived it. He came from a home where Mama did it all. I came from a home where MAMA did it all. What did I learn from my mother??? The learned behavior was that its my job to do it all. Where did it get me? grin.... Single. I grew resentful (as co-dependants will) and he dug in with his heals and lashed out at me. Like a pechalent child throwing tantrums. I became his MOMMY in some sense...

 

And guess what???? the sex life died somewhere along the line... when I took on the parenting role the sex life went pooof. You can't have intimacy with someone you don't respect... or someone who reminds you of a child. Spin the tables around... he probably didn't see me as appealing in my MOTHERING role either. Who wants to have sex and intimacy with their mom??? Sounds freudian eh... lol. The human mind is an incredible piece of work.

 

I didn't soley get divorced because of "ONE" monumental thing... there was a myriad of reasons. And yes.. the Bull5hit piled so high that I couldn't see over it.

 

The both of you carried into the relationship a lot of unfinished business and baggage. There was something in it for both of you. She needed saving and you were the rescuer. Now that your "GOAL" has been accomplished... what is the "GOAL" you have all that unfinsished baggage seeping out of pandora's box. Yick.

 

How long do you have until you finish your education? Please don't stop school. I'm a big fan of higher education, it the one thing NO ONE can take away from you or diminish. The more you learn, the better your world becomes. Truly. Your education doesn't only help you live a better life... it will help your son and help shape his world to come.

 

Marriage should not be about "bondage or servitude" the relationship you are describing is unhealthy. You guys are in a no win tug of war right now. And one of you needs to call it truce or call a TIME OUT. There needs to be some compromises made here if they can be made at all.

 

The one thing you HAVE to remember... you can "NOT" change her. There is nothing you can do to change her. Unless you are merlin the magician...she's not going to turn into the WIFE you want. You need to work on yourself. Your actions and reactions to a situation. What you have been doing have NOT been working for you obviously. So... decide what you "CAN" about yourself.

 

Your wife has a lot of control issues. She was engaged to an older man.. who I'd bet dollars to donuts "controlled"... she's taken like fish to water to his lessons after he abused her trust. Many times, a person who has been in an abusive relationship becomes the abuser in subsequent relationships. This is something "I" need to monitor in myself. You may want to pay attention to that in yourself as well. We mimic what we learn so we don't HURT again.

 

She couldn't control her body... she'd miscarried a few times. She doesn't feel good about herself and is insecure... hence, why try throwing nice clothes on and war paint? What is the point. Probably found herself deficient as a woman...and she tried to control by "binging and purging" with her eating disorder. Eating disorders are all about control. She can't master control of what goes into her mouth... so she'll take it elsewhere. And she has.. she's controled you. Your son is little... but dollars to donuts, she'll control his world in a few years. Can you cure it?? probably not. She's gotta do it herself. Its hard to look in the MIRROR and take a long hard objective look at yourself.

 

Its like building a house. Its much easier to demolish it than to build it brick by brick isn't it? You can't possibly LOVE someone if you do not love yourself.

 

She needs counseling for her issues... and you need counseling for yours. Somewhere in the in between is where you meet and try to salvage this thing if indeed it is salvagable.

 

Sorry for the long dialog... as you can see I feel very passionate about people who suffer from vebal/emotional abuse in marriages. The signs of phsysical abuse are readily apparent for the world to see in a bruised body. But the emotional abuse is deeper, unseen, unspoken of... and leaves scars on the soul. As with HARDCHARGERS father....there is no reasonn a person should have to give thier life up to this. He's at the point where he's receded into his own little world and given up on living, and that is a bloody shame. Can you see.. the lasting effects of what his father has done??? Yes he raised 3 children sucessfully and raised them. but at least ONE of his children followed in his footsteps and found an abusive partner.

[Shadows Light]

I don't think that HARDCHARGER is blaming you Cranbers.. what he is decribing is called "GAS LIGHTING"... his mother is essentially the abuser. But to the outside world... the way she describes her husband or what people would see.. is that "HE" is the abuser. Its crazy making essentially.

 

We each hold some responsibility in our reactions to other people. Few people "TURN THE OTHER CHEEK" when they are verbally assaulted. I'm one of those... I can honestly say that YEAH.. I did paticipate in the DANCE. Its a tango.. it takes two.

 

NO... you are not to blame... and you are NOT VICTIMIZING yourself... you simply came here to VENT... and to LEARN... that is ok.

 

Take a look at the web-sight i sent you and maybe pick up a copy of Patrica Evans.. on Verbal Abuse.

[hardcharger]

Cranbers, I am everything about trying to fix or hold up a relationship when it is the best for all involved. That's what I do everyday. But there is only so much any person can take. You took it the opposite of what I was trying to say. I was trying to say that my poor father has put up with so much abuse, one-sided, for 49 yrs(today) and even though he can't even talk or walk he is still getting abused and somehow my mother thinks it's all his fault.

 

I am hesitant to totally anyone's side by just a few emails, because usually one side is a big liar. However, I think that most people that come here and poor their hearts out(like you) are usually the ones "Looking for the Truth". It is the person who thinks they know everything that never has to look for a second opinion and doesn't want to, because they don't want anyone else to know the are a liar and at the root of the evil.

 

I was trying to say, if you have such a terrible situation and there absolutely is no way to improve it, you are young in your marriage, that you may have a lifetime of "this" to look forward and it will only get worse with age. I emphathize with your totally.

[hardcharger]

SL, why do they call it Gas Lighting? That's what happens here. A few weeks ago after an extremely lovely afternoon, I was shucking corn and helping with dinner, and my wife says something that she knew I would have issue with(regarding plans for next summer...), I said that I was going to take care of it differently than she wanted me to, her tone raised right up, and almost no matter what, I can either walk away, and then she has been known to totally block my way and FORCE me to say something while she is SCREAMING at me, so my tone goes up, and then she accuses me of screaming at her and that is what she remember about the encounter. This has happened countless times in my marriage, I am not a screamer, I am a "strong" person though. I swear I have NEVER come home from work looking for a fight, seriously, or wanting to cause trouble after a hard day at work. (my work goes just fine, thank you!, it's mine) Yet I turn that doorknob and all hell breaks loose, and before you know it I am involved in some stupendously silly argument and there is no way out. Yet I am quite sure, if she explained all this to a girlfriend, I would be painted as some evil "abuser", just like my gentle dad has been for years and years.

 

But thanks God, my situation is not unrelenting and usually we can make up nice and move forward again. I feel terribly sorry for anyone who has to live in this state day in and day out without end. I know all about marriage pain, but thankfully it is not never-ending and it has been worth staying for the family. PLUS - in my case, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't. My wife is a good homemaker, excellent bookkeeper for my business, has been an excellent sex partner(waning), and has many good traits. Certainly not all good, but not all bad. I really don't think I could live without a good sex life though, and I think I would be prone to at least straying if I had to live with poor or none month after month.

[cranbers]

Yeah, being a man who is 25 sex is very important it is on my mind almost constantly. Not being able to act on it ever, is really tough. I feel so disconnected to her its crazy. But yet when I do have sex with her, I do value her again. I mean its weird, I almost feel love for her during and after. then when we go without for months I really dislike her. Is sex the meaning or is it what brings out the meaning. When you go without it for so long the first time you do it again its pretty good but its also very short. I mean minute man takes on a new meaning.

 

She doesn't trust birth control I guess. She only seemed to wanted to have sex before because she wanted a baby I guess. I rememeber when we first started seeing each other sex was everyday on a regular basis. It was fun but she wouldn't let me do or try certain things because it reminded her of the ex. She even called me by his name a few times, once was over a year later (not during sex).

 

so yeah as far as looking for a fight I am very easy going and I try to avoid conflict, I don't instigate at least I don't try to. Usually it is in response to something. She comes home lets say, she starts yelling about baby bottles not being put in the sink or they are not washed yet. Now washing 3 bottles doesn't sound like a big deal. it isn't, however when there are three bottles washed then you have dinner dishes later that evening, why was dishes twice when you can do them all at once? I tell her that and it doesn't compute, she thinks they are there, they can be washed so be it. Well its a dumb argument but that is an aexample of how it starts. Also she has a problem with me being home durnig the day, I play on the computer, maybe play video games sometimes, maybe I sleep after all I do work at night for 12 hours. But the days, I don't work I get to spend the day doing what i want, my son is at day care and my wife is at work.

 

Now in regards to doing house work, I really don't care its not a big deal to me. I do it sometimes and I would do it alot more but I get yelled at because I didn't do it her way or to her standards. for example, washing clothes I forget to hang something up, isntead i folded and put them on her dresser. Mainly because I don't know where they go, I have no clue what she wants hung up or where to put it. The closet is hers, I have a 2 foot section and she has the other 20 feet. So where should I put it, she won't tell me and so the argument continues. also laundry needs to be washed a certain way, I am also accused of not finishing what I start. Say putting laundry in the wash and then drying it and then have to go to work and they are not dry yet, so she folds them and puts them away. she thinks she might as well have done everything to start with.

 

Also if my son is doing something he is not supposed to, she immediately calls me to stop him, even if she is right next to him or closer rather. She would rather call me to stop him then stop him herself. That really burns me up, when I see something is wrong or i think of something tha tneeds to be done, I do it. I don't ask her to do it or say quick stop our son before he hurts himself. I go run up and grab him and get him to stop. I mean climbing on chairs, drawing on the wall with a magic marker stuff like that.

 

As for other arguments or how the big stuff gets started those are all good exaples, then it gets into low blows, talking about small * * * * size which I never got a complaint before to being stupid or dumb literally. I am not as smart as her and she knows it. She had a 4.0 gpa in college and hs. She has a degree in business and another one in chemistry. She is a very smart girl with perfect english skills and a non stop active mind. so she can out talk me any time with big words and ways to psych me out. I have grown a lot smarter arguing with her over the years. i am a lot smarter guy then I ever was before I met her. i don't know if that is a good thing or not. having to get smarter or get killed in an argument with her not a good thing.

 

The issue with my sister was one of the worst things, I mean try having your wife rag on your sister, who you have known your entire life, who would never hurt you, say mean things to you or ever tell you off. Who would always try to help you no matter what the cost is to themselves. the biggest problem is my wife knows nothing about my sister, but can presume to know everything about her from what I told her. So do I retreat everything I ever told her about my sister for that reason. why does she hate my sister? Well my sister gave me some unsound advice that was not in my wife's best interest, that was to not merry her yet and not to rush things. Also don't merry her just because she is pregnant with your baby. stuff like that, and using reverse psychology my wife was able to get me to tell her these things.

 

For example, my wife says lets get married. i say well I don't think I am ready quite yet, I mean we have only known each other for a few months and I would like to tak eit alittle sower. who have you been talking to your sister again, cause you wouldn't say something like that. Well it just so happened I did talk to you my sister that day, did she put that idea in my head, no but she did help me ti find the path and hold my own thoughts instead of allowing her to manipulate me into whatever she wants to do is the right thing.

 

so anyway my wife has always used the fact I care for my sister so much against me. Saying mean things about her to get me fired up, the worst thing being she didn't know my sister. But she could say that she is selfish and just wants me to herself or some crap like that. My sister is always in control of me and she is afraid she will loose that. Now the thing is, everything my sister says made sense to me, things my wife says doesn't. i just would go with tha tand it would piss my wife off to no end.

 

My wife admitted to me that the reason she wanted to merry me was because she was desperate she didn't think she could do better and she thought i was going to go back to my home state of MN. She will deny this of course if I asked her now, she said that out of rage when we were in a fight. But I have no doubt there si truth to it. The thing I always though or made sense to me is this. My wife's dream life that she was about to live was destroyed. She found me, merried me and had a baby as soon as possible to makeup for lost time and who knows maybe it goes deeper, she wanted to hurt her ex. I never met him, even though he lives in the same town. She says she sees him on occation around town. He was controlling I have no doubt. She never told me he mistreated her at all though. He did have her sleep with her best guy friend in front of him though, which I found rather odd. Other women too. So you may be correct about the whole controled her now she controls me thing.