IS there hope if NO CONTACT was forced on you?

[aboynamedmoose]

My ex called my best friend 11 days ago and told her that he needed to tell me to leave her alone. They had a long talk and she was starting to get concerned and claimed some other people were too. Supposedly her mom was eating lunch with her one day and she got a lot of text messages from me. The ex told my friend that her mom had mentioned a restraining order but the ex told him that she was just concerned and that would never happen, her mom just worries a lot.

 

I don't understand, I never drove by her house, I never threatened her, I did write countless letters and emails basically telling her how much I loved her, and for the most part other than a few sporadic emails and phone calls, left her alone with the exception of the last days when I sent her maybe 7 text messages and called her a couple times. We've been broken up for almost 3 months and at first we talked a couple times and I brought some stuff up to her work twice, the last time of which she said I looked totally hot. And a mutual friend told me that the ex wants to call me everyday and misses me and wants to hang out but is afraid of getting hurt again. The ex even told me herself that if she hung out with me she knows we would get back together again.

 

So now I can't help but thinking I look like a psycho stalker and since she enforced the NO CONTACT, that I've lost any control what so ever, and I do know now that I have to leave her alone.

 

Does anyone honestly think there is any hope that she will eventually call me?

[chai714]

The more you chase her right now, the less likely she'll call you.

 

Stay away from her for a while. Although you don't have control over her, you can control what you do. Chasing which includes texting, emailing, begging, pleading, etc comes off as desperate. Appearing desperate is the worst thing you can do to make your target perceive you as attractive. Back off completely for now.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Leave her alone. If she has chosen to break all contact and continues to remain in no contact then that is her choice, leave her alone. Constant attempts to call, text, email, which ever is a form of harassment. She has decided its over, respect that and move on.

[desertnomad]

I agree. Once the words restraining order comes up by anyone in her circle it will put that thought in her mind if you continue to contact her. Noone is worth any legal trouble like that. I did the same thing by sending my ex emails and some instant messages none at all threatening in the least but it got me nowhere except a nasty email from her new 'friend' talking about the same bs. I stopped sending anything right there its not worth the price of any freedom. Its better to have your freedom and start no contact on your own then to be told you have to by some judge.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

My ex called my best friend 11 days ago and told her that he needed to tell me to leave her alone.

Is that supposed to be a 'him' there? I'm confused.

[aboynamedmoose]

iamteddybearfeelmecuddle, yes, that is supposed to be a "him" in there, sorry.

 

Yeah, at this point I have no choice but to leave her alone, I still hope she calls me though, I thought about waiting a month at least and possibly sending an email, short and sweet, basically saying, "how are you doing, hope you are well", and thats it. What do you guys think?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I don't know. It seems she has you in a corner, and I would recommend you not try to approach her at all, for your own good.

 

Afterall she's already had a friend call your friend and tell him to leave you alone (a bit childish, but nonetheless...), and some talk about restraining orders.

 

If I was you I'd forget you ever knew her, and if you can't do that then fake it till ya feel it.

[aboynamedmoose]

It's very frustrating because there is not doubt she would have married, I just took her for granted and walked all over her, then realized she was the best thing that ever happened to me after she dumped me. And of course I did everything wrong, if only i'd found this website 3 months ago, DOH!

 

I know she loves me and misses me, but I'm afraid she will never call me because she will feel like an idiot because she had to tell my friend to tell me to leave her alone. I guess only time will tell. Her b'day is in November, what about an ecard?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm not sure, maybe you'll have to wait and see what happens between now and then. If a girl get's taken for granted too much, she eventually fall out of love with you, and I don't really know if there's any going back. I guess it's possible. But for now, though I think you better back off so she doesn't slap you with the old R.O.

[Bethany]

Let go, I know it's hard and you don't want to but you have no choice. Some things you have to do for yourself, do what's best for you. You've tried everything so give yourself permission to give up. It's not as hard as you think.

If you really think that she loves and misses you, then leave her alone. If she wants to get back with you, she knows where you are and she will contact you. it's up to her now, and there's nothing you can do about it, so stop trying.

 

Look what's happening to you, you're losing yourself.. Spend this time on healing yourself and letting go, forgive her for what she has done, forgive yourself for messing up, take some time for you. Stop worrying about Nov, who knows how you will feel by then, you may not even want to send her anything, so stop thinking so far ahead and deal with how you feel today. If you do not, you could lose her forever.

[aboynamedmoose]

Thanks for all the great advice. I'll know what to do with my next relationship, just hope its with her, but only time will tell.

 

One more question. There is a good possibility that she will be out this week on Thursday at a place my friends and I frequent, we actually met there. It's been 11 days with no contact, should I go out? If I see her I would be civil, maybe smile or wink, but other than that nothing. But if she was with a guy i'd probably have to leave, but I really don't think she would be there with anyone other than her girlfriends. Just not sure if I should go because there goes the "mystery" again.

[lady00]

Don't go if it might ruin your good time. It seems to me like it will bother you if you do go and you won't be able to have fun.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yeah, I'm not sure if you should go either. Because yes it's possible she could have a change of heart at some point. But right now you need to focus on doing everything you can to be 'above reproach'. Meaning she's talking restraining order, you do everything you can to avoid being accused of any such behavior. Might not be true, but still. And also like lady00 said it's possible you might not have a good time anyway.

 

I mean for gosh sakes....What else does she expect you to do, after she had her friend call your friend and have him tell you to stay away from her?? Of COURSE you're going to stay as far away from her as you can...NOW!! I think she has put this in a position where the ball is entirely in her court now. If she wants to reconcile it will be up to her to contact you.

[LostAngel]

Hi

 

I just wanted to say, just take it easy for now. I don't think you should be focusing on her at all. I know how hard this is.

 

I'm going through this too. Although my situation is different. You need to completely focus on you. I know your heart is fighting to let things go but you have no choice, especially if things have come to what you say they have.

 

You need to just STOP and take things one day at a time. Just STOP everything when it comes to her & just see it as some time to focus on you.

 

When things with me & my ex started getting worse. At first we were still speaking, but then eventually because of me always pushing, my ex wasn't answering my calls & would only answer some of my messages saying I must leave him alone and he will call me & speak to me when he is ready.

 

But I wanted to know what was going on so much & wanted to just speak to him so much that with all the pressure I pushed him away more.

 

So he went into NC with me but I kept trying to call even more & after all the fights we had, him always saying I must just leave him alone & me realising he was going into NC with me. I just send him a final message and from there decided to go NC myself.

 

It has been a huge struggle for me 'cause I didn't have any real closure on everything as he didn't even end things with me properly & because of that I wanted to call so much & just see where I stand with him

 

I have been in NC for 2 weeks and 3 days. I know how hard this is but I have realised that the more I try to call, plead, fight with, etc. It just makes things worse.

 

Try to do things for you. Everytime you have the urge to call or think of an idea of how to reach her. STOP. Just leave things. You just have to or you will just push her further & further away.

 

If you need to chat you can send me a PM. I'm trying to get through each day too and its hard.

 

 

Hope I helped.

 

 

 

LostAngel

[Bethany]

Don't Go!!!!!!

[river dog]

Don't go. Chances are nothing will be right.

 

1. She is there but you can't talk to her sensibly.

2. She is there with a guy - you leave, and your problems just doubled.

3. She is not there - you wonder where she is

4. She is there but leaves early - you wonder were she is going

5. She is there but leaves when you arrive - it is embarrassing.

 

I have been where you are. In fact, I still am and the best thing at the moment is to stay out the way:

 

1. She goes and wonders where you are?

2. She doesn't go so nothing changes.

3. You don't get to feel even worse.

 

Try and do something else if you can, don't stay in and mull on it. Contact, if any, must be when YOU are ready.

 

My two cents.

[aboynamedmoose]

Thanks River dog, that makes perfect sense and at this point I'm pretty much leaning towards not going.

 

you said, "Contact, if any, must be when YOU are ready" based on everything you've read don't you think contact is 100% up to her at this point?

 

She did tell my best friend to call me and tell her to leave her alone, and its been 13 days with no contact. Based on everything I know I can't help but think she misses me and wants to call me but she's so stubborn, i'm afraid she won't because she might think she'll look stupid because she made it clear that I need to leave her alone.

 

I know that I CAN'T contact her, especially because of her mom mentioning the restraining order. Even though my ex told my friend that wasn't going to happen and that was just her mom worrying.

[river dog]

Thanks River dog, that makes perfect sense and at this point I'm pretty much leaning towards not going.

 

you said, "Contact, if any, must be when YOU are ready" based on everything you've read don't you think contact is 100% up to her at this point?

 

Haven't you answered your own question? Contact (in my book) is when she contacts you and is very clear that she wants you guys to give it another go. Then you decide what you want to do about it.

 

I am no expert, believe me, but every girlfriend who meant anything and my (now estranged) wife resumed some contact after NC (up to a year later) - I was out of touch without even thinking about it on those occasions. There was an obvious closure or event then, that I didn't get this time around; I was left hanging like an idiot.

 

This is the first time I have had to consciously think about it, which makes me question the relationship for good or for bad? Just can't get her out of my head but one day, I will.

 

NC is about YOU not her. Time for you to get your head together and look at the wider picture. It won't happen in days or weeks but it will happen.

 

Chin up, you are amongst friends here and good luck.

 

P.S One more for you - She is there and flirts with every guy except you. That's been known to happen. You don't have control over her, only your actions. That's my point.

 

Here is the deal:

 

1. Thoughts

2. Words

3. Actions

 

If any of these three are out of control, you will mess up. Post rejection, they are surely out of control.

[aboynamedmoose]

Thanks again River dog, this previous thread gives me a lot of hope and I thought about waiting at least a month and possibly doing something like what was done in that thread.

 

 

 

I know I would have to wait at least a month and I pray she calls me before that because like I said earlier, the longest I've gone with NC since we've broken up is 2 weeks, so i'm hoping she will start to really miss me after 3 or 4 weeks, but she does start back to college next week and I know she'll be busy and I'm sure the guys in her class will be hitting on her, argggghhhh.

 

One thing though, she's only 22 and I'm 31, the new guy she was with is at least 33 or 34, maybe she's written off college guys, who knows, but it would make me feel better. Another thing is that we used to watch "the office" together and I know the new episodes start in Sept, I hope she really starts missing me then.

 

Now you said every ex of yours has eventually contacted you, was that after NC on your part? And did they contact you to reconcile or just be friends and check up on you, or was it mixed results?

[river dog]

Now you said every ex of yours has eventually contacted you, was that after NC on your part? And did they contact you to reconcile or just be friends and check up on you, or was it mixed results?

 

No, I said all the exes (most of whom were the dumpers) that meant anything to me got in touch (except one unrequited Goddess, but that's another story).

 

NC on my part BUT I was in the big cities of the world and had other things to do, so I didn't implement NC, it just happened.

 

My wife after 6 weeks and we were together, on and off, for another 3 years. One ex saw my car outside a pub and came in, we got back together physically, that was all we had left. Years after she married someone else, she invited me to have an affair with her - which was not my bag. There but for the Grace of God....

 

One called to check up on me, I guess. Another for sex (turns out she was into porn and drugs all along Another was years later and it was sex again (I am such a stud ). She was the size of a bus by then, so that was a particularly forgettable night. More recently, I got in touch with an ex some months later and it just wasn't on. We were 5000 miles apart and she had her own life, but I am glad I did.

 

Last one was last year, an older woman - but I was the dumper. A scrap of paper in my mailbox saying "Happy New Year" and that was pathetic. If I was going to get in touch it would be with more class than a torn off bit of paper. Marching band, fake snow and penguins down my ex's street is my latest idea. My mate is a producer and has an ariel film unit so I am thinking of doing a documentary about that one. I am serious.

 

Just my story and a lot of water had passed under the bridge during those times, but I think there is a moral in there somewhere?

 

Most of my girlfriends have been very sexy and between 20 and 10 years younger than me - and I am the immature one. Do I sound cocky? Good, about time!

 

P.S. Enjoy "The Office", the creator is from my home town and it was originally a very colloquial humour that I knew very well (UK version). Yes, she may well miss you when it's playing, it is an "imprint" that she will identify with you - small crumbs but hey, don't let that be an excuse to call!

 

River Dog

[aboynamedmoose]

thanks again River dog.

 

I know there is quite an age difference between us but she was for the most part very mature when she was with me and very communicative. Except when we were both drinking, thats when we had problems. I was the one that didn't communicate.

 

I swear she must have stumbled onto this website before I did, because she played it so cool when I broke up with her two times when we dated.

 

And she was very sexy too. I know looks don't matter necessarily but the guy after me was so ugly, and other people confirmed that, the only thing he had on me "looks wise" was height, and that did kind of bother me with my self esteem because she is 5'9" and when she wears heels she's just as if not taller than me, but that never bothered her to my knowledge. Plus she told one of my friends that she was soooo sexually attracted to me, and all her past ex's were pretty ugly too. I don't know, like I said, the two times I've seen her since we've broken up she said I looked really good and even told a mutual friend but we're still not back together.

[river dog]

And she was very sexy too. I know looks don't matter necessarily

 

I said sexy, not good looking. Attractive to me and to some others apparently. Take my current ex (if that is not an oxymoron). She looked very severe but I saw her sexiness and now she has dumped the glasses, put in the contacts, thrown out the dirty jeans, hoisted the skirt, put on her heels, applied the make-up and when she is on the town, woah! My encouragement, but no cigar for me I am afraid. #-o

 

Next time, I am going to say just how much I love the way she writes stuff on the back of her hand in biro. Come to think of it, that is what first attracted me

 

River Dog