Gay Parenting... Right or Wrong?

[ScaredFawn]

Hi everyone.

Ive been told not to label myself so Ill present myself as this... Im a 24 year old woman in a relationship of 2 years with another woman, and the question of children is starting to come up. For the longest time, I did not see a problem with 2 lesbians raising a child together, but after watching the episode of LWord where the adoption social worker asked how their daughter was ever gonna know what a man feels like, it really got me thinking. I want my future kids to be well adapted, I want them to feel normal. I want them to have a significant male in their life. How do I find such a man?

Is there any way I can talk to children of gay couples and see how they felt growing up in that environment?

 

Thank you for everyone who replies

[ElektraHere]

SF,

 

I think before bringing a child into the mix you should figure out what it is YOU want. I think when someone is confused to their sexual orientation and then trying to raise a child OH MY!! Talk about stress.. I say this because of your past posts of confusion and the issues your g/f has with her past.

 

You really really need to look within yourself and figure what will work for you in your life? Don't bring a child into the mix thinking it may "fix" things. That isnt the case it only makes things harder.

[RayKay]

There are plenty of kids whom grow up in single parent families, and are fine!

 

Just because you have parents of the same sex, or one parent, does not mean you cannot have other positive role models of the opposite sex in your life - like grandparents, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts friends, and so on.

 

My brother is gay, and him and his partner very much want children. And, I know they would both make absolutely wonderful parents...and my sister and I would be DELIGHTED to be a strong "female presense" in those children's lives too.

 

One of my friends grew up with two mothers (she was from a previous relationship) and she felt nothing but absolutely loved. She also had positive male role models in her life through her parents friends and never regretted she did not have a "dad". And no, for the record she cannot recall ever being teased. I mean when we were growing up it was pretty common to only have one parent, or to have parents remarried and so on, so to most kids it was just something new, but not weird.

 

It's not your sexual orientation that makes you a good parent(s) - it's whom you are as an individual, and as a couple.

[Meow18]

No child grows up in a perfect home. Every family has an "issue", whether it's a single parent home, a home where the wife is abused, a home where both parents are still together but do not get a long.

 

In my opinion, the important thing with raising a child is not to try to make their lives picture perfect, you know, like with a father and a mother who get along beautifully. That's just not realistic. And they won't grow into a strong person when they haven't dealt with some issues. The important thing is to love them and do what's best for them.

 

So many children grow up with single parents. And somehow they have to get by learning about father figures and mother figures. It's obviously going to be harder, but it's still possible.

 

Do you have a brother, or a father? Or does your partner? A grandfather can make a great role model for a child. Or if you have a brother, he can also be in the child's life.

 

It's possible that one day the child might get made fun of in school. Unfortunantely people can be cruel when they can't accept something. But I think that if you show your child lots of love and give them the attention they need, then they won't let it get to them. Everyone gets made fun of in school.. if not for having lesbian parents, then it's going to be for something else.

 

2 years isn't really that long of a time though. I would say to wait a little while to make sure that this is the woman you would want to raise a child with.

[nottoogreen]

What the

 

I am heterosexual, have a gf and 2 kids with her and we look after a few more for relatives. 3 girls and 3 boys age 5 - 15 are frequently around.

 

I do not feel that men are essential to raising offspring. My 2 kids being the exception, the other 4 have substantial issues wrt dealing with their fathers.

 

Don't worry, do your best, it will be fine.

 

The best thing IMHO you can do (for your kids) is to limit exposure to TV. We do not have a TV, I am so OFF it, the kids watch a little a granddads...Google got billions of pages on hand.

[miserableme]

A relative of mine and his husband are adopting a child and you can tell they will make great parents. There are also plenty of straight couples who should probably never have children. It's becoming a lot more common these days. I just hope you live in a non-homophobic area.

[ScaredFawn]

ElektraHere, I dont want to be rude or anything but Id like you to stop answering my threads as you seem to always be bringing up the issue of my confusion about my sexual orientation. This has nothing to do with this thread, I never said I was about to start having kids before at least 5 years and I just wanted to see my options if I decided to have kids with my partner. I dont have to explain myself to you. I have the right to post whatever I want that is not offensive and that has to do with gay and lesbians in this forum.

[ScaredFawn]

RayKay, thank you for you8r input on this subject!

I am very happy to hear such a positive response for this subject matter. What got me thinking me and made my heart sink was reading a book on gay parenting that had some of the kids talk about the way they felt and some of them regretted being teased, not having a dad, not having a male role model... I dont want my kid to grow up feeling resentment or just being sad. I do not have very many good men in my life, I only have one sister and my dad is quite "special" lol...My gfs dad is nice but he lives far and we dont have many male friends. In that situation, I dont know how I will find a significant man in their life? But thanks a lot for your input.

[ElektraHere]

I never was trying to say what you do is right or wrong. I was giving my opinion and that is all it is. Take it or leave it. I dont want you to explain yourself to me. I am just going off of what you have said previously as do people here who actually read and follow posts of certain people.

 

I want you to be happy and if you look back at your past posts and if I have answered them I have been nothing but supportive to you.

 

I will abide by your wishes and stop posting on your threads. Accept my apologies if I offended. It was not my intention.

[_Ramirez_]

One of my uncle is gay and he is in a relationship with a man that was married before he was with him. 2 girls where born from that past marriage and now my uncle is the happy step-father of a young girl and an adolescent.

 

Recently the adolescent girl (my young cousin), who's 16 now, decided to move in with her father and my uncle because they are both a lot more comprehensive and loving than her mother is and her younger sister would like to do the same thing but the mother just don't want to let her go. It's a complicated business but I won't go over it. The only thing that I have to say is that my uncle and his boyfriend are great parents and that in no way their daughters feel anormal about having 2 fathers. There's no secret about it and in some ways my cousin think it's cool to live this way because she say that her parents are a lot less "boring" than her parents friends.

 

My opinion is that the only thing that make a difference in a house for a child is the love and the attention he/she get, not if they live in a normal "atomic" family.

 

I hope it relate to your situation and that it might answer your question in some way.

[ScaredFawn]

Also thank you to nottoogreen and miserableme for your answers. You are right, a lot of kids with fathers have problems with them. Wouldnt a child be better off not knowing many men then knowing an abusive one? Not to say all fathers are abusive!!!!!!!!!!!! But it happens. Also, would you guys think that it would be good for the kid to grow up in a community with other children of gay parents?

[ScaredFawn]

I never was trying to say what you do is right or wrong. I was giving my opinion and that is all it is. Take it or leave it. I dont want you to explain yourself to me. I am just going off of what you have said previously as do people here who actually read and follow posts of certain people.

 

I want you to be happy and if you look back at your past posts and if I have answered them I have been nothing but supportive to you.

 

I will abide by your wishes and stop posting on your threads. Accept my apologies if I offended. It was not my intention.

 

 

Well it's just that I would rather not be reminded of my questionning everytime I post. Im sorry if I was a bit blunt, I just feel judged and classified. I am more than my questionning... Thank you for understanding.

[FoxLocke]

I think a gay home can be just as loving and functional as straight homes(when many straight households are screwed up anyway...what is "normal?")...I just think that, as RayKay said, there opposite(or same)gender child should be exposed to members of the opposite sex as well.

I love gay families because it always turns out to be the ultimate extended family...

 

Granted, I don't think I want kids. BUT, if I did have kids I would expose them to all types of individuals so they would be well rounded.

[nottoogreen]

I think a gay home can be just as loving and functional as straight homes(when many straight households are screwed up anyway...what is "normal?")...I just think that, as RayKay said, there opposite(or same)gender child should be exposed to members of the opposite sex as well.

I love gay families because it always turns out to be the ultimate extended family...

 

Granted, I don't think I want kids. BUT, if I did have kids I would expose them to all types of individuals so they would be well rounded.

I concur with you and as a matter of fact talking to kids on this site, there was no mentioning of issues with gay/lesbian parents (to be fair those are still in the minority), a few issues with abused mothers, very few issues with abusive mothers and all else was issues with fathers - many fathers in a way ought to be locked up or at least kept away from kids.

 

It also matches what I see/seen, women survive heterosexual familys and look after the kids and are on average much less abusive.

 

Anyway, back on topic, from my heart I encourage gays/lesbians in a stable relationship to have/adopt kids.

[Jinx]

Personally I think as like other mentioned it depends on the parents themselves. I don't really believe your orientation should matter that much as long as you can provide the family to the children.

 

Then consider the single parents out there who raise wonderful children but feel society's dislike because they are single, period. Its a society thing.

 

For me, I think I would of been much happier without my father. Love my Mother, tolerate my father. My father has never been helpful, he has never said shoot for the stars, he said you're going to be a housewife like my other daughters, cope.

 

My bestfriend, he got along well with his father hated his mother.

 

My other friends its a mixed bag some are from single father or mother homes and they have excelled way past me. One is planning on going for a medical degree and has a single mother. Obviously it didn't kill his abilities just living without a father and having primarily female interactions in life.

 

Like others have said, there are some Heterosexual parents who have kids that I am simply aghast to see. They have NO parenting skills, none. They let the children loose to run amok and eventually are the people the rest of us fear in society. Then there are those who are raised by Homosexual parents and from those very few I've seen they've been well adjusted, straight, teens who have high goals they're going for. Some of which have not had that "much required" male role model. It never bothered them, they were still able to interact with both sexes equally regardless.

 

My girlfriend and I were discussing the children topic (just feeling out each other's opinions for later on in life and all) and the idea of men. We both have men we know who could be excellent role models. One is going towards a law degree, he is a gentle considerate soul, law abiding citizen himself and much more. He is the best man I have ever met in my life but some say if I were to have a child he'd never "work" because he is gay. Obviously that no longer makes him this role model male because he isn't a cookie cutter object. Then my girlfriend has several male friends who are wonderful but there are little tweaks in them too in some way shape or form that they aren't society's idea of the perfect manly man.

 

Really, it depends. Two women, Two men, One Man One Woman. If they don't have the skills the kid is not going to get what he or she needs, if both are well off and adjusted themselves, hey, who is to say they are less than the alcoholic straight family down the street?

[BrokenWingedFaery]

Good parents, and good families, come in all shapes and sizes, as do bad ones. Just make sure that you remember that the kid's gonna run into "why do you have two mommies?" as well as some not-so-nice questions/comments and they'll have to deal with that. Being in a same sex partnership/marriage and raising kids brings unique challenges, but that's no reason not to do so.

[seksiidan]

Good parents, and good families, come in all shapes and sizes, as do bad ones. Just make sure that you remember that the kid's gonna run into "why do you have two mommies?" as well as some not-so-nice questions/comments and they'll have to deal with that. Being in a same sex partnership/marriage and raising kids brings unique challenges, but that's no reason not to do so.

i agree with this, no matter what there will always be people who ask rude questions and such, but they'll just have to get used to it. As far as needing to have a male role model in the family, you can always have a god-father perhaps? like maybe a best friend or a family member. However, it isn't really necessary seeing as families that are divorced don't always have both figures right? hope i was of some help. kind of new to this thing

[AwdreeHpburn]

Does the child have to know what a male feels like? I don't get it.

 

I had an argument with a talk radio guy once who said that by the very nature of the environment, a gay couple would be promoting homosexuality.

 

WHAT?

 

Do I then, as a woman, promote female tendencies in my son??

 

Ok - sorry, there's my rant but here's my suggestion:

 

I do believe that a loving, supportive and nurturing environment is key and most important. I have no idea if men or women provide that better or not but if a child needs exposure to both genders, that's easy enough to accommodate, right?

 

Do you have any brothers? Does your SO? A grandfather?

 

I think the idea that a child needs to know what a man (or woman) feels like, whatever that even means, is someone's paranoia.

 

This is of course, just MY opinion......