My bf angers me and can't stop saying mean things to me

[candy604]

Okay just a taste of my relationship...

 

It's about 3 years , my bf and I never dated anyone before, so we are our first's first. Lately he decided after i'd threaten to break-up with him if he doesn't continue to stop saying hurftul comments. Lots of them are in a joking manner but some of them are mean ( not in a mean tone) and this has continued for the past 2 years. He doesn't understand how mean jokes hurt a girl b/c mainly he hangs out with guys and most guys don't care if they make fun of each other etc.. So i'm basically like a guy. And he just thinks i'm too sensitve etc..and that's the way he is.

 

Tonight, he just told me i don't look good in pictures or i'm not photogenic. I already know that i don't look like a model or something, i'm just regular ( better in real life though), so i don't understand why he has to say that to me, it's on and off. His arguemnt is " well it's the truth , what can i say, do you want me to lie"?

 

So i'm not sure how to get him to change his ways and see he's hurting me.

 

Another ex. at my friends party, my bf's friend was cracking jokes about my friend's dad, of course my friend was like {Mod Edit} in her head and told my bf what his friend did was so disrespectful etc..then again, my bf and his friend felt bad but justified themselves saying " oh it's just a joke, why take it so seriously etc..." he doenst' get it!!!

 

HELP! is this normal in a relationship where a girl hears these comments? i used to be called stupid, {Mod Edit} loser etc..for fun. It has stopped a bit now, but it comes in different forms. Recently, he likes making fun of my tummy ( not that i'm big, just not as slim as before. so he calls me names jokingly or makes alot of fat jokes ( i'm so far from being fat)

[redrose85]

No this is not normal. this is verbal abuse, and there's no way you should be putting up with it. A little playful name calling can be okay once in awhile, but when he makes you angry and damages your self-esteem, that's not him loving you. Tell him to smarten up. If he keeps it up, leave. Find someone who loves you and will treat you how you deserve to be treated. It seems like he is resentful towards you. Do you have any idea why this would be?

[candy604]

he tells me he loves me, never yells at me and he's always wanting to hang out with me etc..the way the guys he hangs out with treat each other is that they crack jokes at each other and make fun of each other ( very mean jokes, like {Mod Edit}, loser...) and he treats his younger brother ( no sister) like that too. He says that's him and that's how he gets close to people and showing them they like them by making fun of them. He know's its bad, but it doesn't change really. He has no close girl friends or no sister, so could be the reason why he doesn't know how to treat a girl.

 

I know, if he keeps doing it, i'm going to ask my friend to talk to him about it ( so it looks liek it's not just me being insensitve). He says " that's the way i am, i can't help what comes out of my mouth).

[InaneCathode]

He's using you to make himself feel better via verbally degrading you. Dump him before you get sucked in too much further.

He's doing it on purpose.

[annie24]

he sounds like a grade A jerk! Since he is your first boyfriend, I think you don't have any "points of reference." A good boyfriend does NOT cut you down, make you feel bad, stupid, make fun of you, call you names. Even if you were 100 pounds overweight, he shouldn't be making you feel bad.

 

Life is full of pain. Cancer, death, taxes, etc.... a boyfriend should ENHANCE your life, not be another source of pain. I think you should just tell him directly to stop, that what he is saying is not cool.

 

I have to say, that good guys don't do this to their girfriends, even if she IS overweight. They are loving and supportive, and don't make fun of or try to hurt their girlfriend.

 

I know you may not want to hear this, but just because he isn't hitting you doesn't mean he's not abusing you. I would actually encourage you to get out of this relationship. You really deserve better than this.

[Siriana]

Some people excuse rudness by saying: "But I am just telling the truth."

Reality is that they are just beeing rude because they're the way they are. What is the point of telling the truth if it will not benefit you, if it will cause you pain? You can tell a person what is on your mind without making her feel bad. That way maybe you can even be helpfull.

Well this is at least what emotionaly mature and stabile persons do.

 

I had an ex (emhasis is on the word EX) who used to "just tell the truth".

It was nothing more than he beeing cruel and insensitive toward my feelings.

 

Whatever you choose to do keep one thing in your mind and let it be your guide - Don't let him drive you to the point where you're trying to please him more and more as a result of his comments to you. If you find yourself seeking his approval dump him. And be carefull because it works subconsciously and it takes time before you notice that you're in that state of mind. This is a first step of someone beeing controlling or pasive aggressive toward you.

 

Never ask yourself why he is doing it. Or do you deserve it.

Always ask yoursel how I feel? Do I want to continue feeling the way I do.

Act full of self confidence. Because YOU deserve the best. Attitude I deserve the best is going to bring you the best.

[RayKay]

I HATE when people say things like "but I am just being honest, I have to be honest" when they say such cruel things.

 

Really, does that make it better knowing they REALLY think that of you....ugh.

 

But seriously, that is just a line to make YOU feel like the "bad guy" for being angry at their "honesty". If he was concerned about your weight for example, there are MUCH better ways to approach it. As for the photos, he could of said, "you look good in this picture, but it does not do you true justice!". He's just plain mean and rude. He CAN help what "comes out of his mouth" - he just chooses not to.

 

Don't make excuses for him like not having sisters, previous gf's, whatever. There are no excuses.

 

Do you apologize for being "too sensitive" when you get upset over things like this? If yes, stop it. Do not apologize for having feelings and being hurt by things like that.

 

I suspect because this is your first relationship, you really don't know what real love treats you like, and you also are afraid to leave. But seriously, he is emotionally and verbally abusive. There is more to abuse than physical, or yelling. Emotional and verbal abuse are extremely destructive to your self esteem and spirit.

 

Your partner should add to your life, should support you and encourage you. He should be positive about you, and yes, make you feel loved and good!

 

You deserve better, don't stay with someone whom cuts you down.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I know what love is, what respect is...and it ain't that. He's a J to the E to the R to the K.

[candy604]

i will have a talk with him again, i already talked to him about this jokes and stuff so many times throughout the year. He tries thne it goes back to the same old thing. He claims he feels like he's not being himself and being fake when he can't just joke around and say what is on his mind.

 

But i realize i shouldn't be making excuses for his actions. I'm trying to understand why someone who is told so many times that as a gf, she doesn't want to hear mean jokes etc..( i don't care if he pokes fun at his friends). he treats his mom and dad fine. Odd.

 

I am scared to leave and hoping things will change. It's hard to let go. I mean we do have our great times, but do you think he'll out grow this stage? or with more experience he'll learn ( i.e he dates other girls to understand etc..). Also i'm thinking his group of friends encourage behaviour like this ( like his friend that cracked jokes at my friend's house).

 

What really gets me is that if you meet him, he's very easy to get along with, has lots of friends, and alot of my friends like him.

[annie24]

I'm afraid he may not learn his lesson until he loses many girlfriends over his behavior.

 

if he treats everyone else well, why can't he also treat you well?

[candy604]

i dunon, i just talked to him and bascially he thinks girls are too sensitive. He said he meant to say that i look better in real person than in pictures. I told him he only said that b/c i was getting angry.

 

I think he won't learn until what you said " annie24". I mean he said " oh but my friends joke like that etc.." ( again another justification for jokes).

 

OH well. not sure, he just shows me by driving out to see me all the time, etc..other things, but he just likes to make fun of me.

[annie24]

I'm not sure if you believe us, but boyfriends aren't supposed to act the way he is acting towards you. I think you won't ever believe us until you break up with this guy, and find a new boyfriend who is kind to you, and then you'll wonder why you stayed with this jerk for so long.

 

Do you make fun of your boyfriend? If not, what stops you? Why don't you make jokes of his imperfections the way he does yours? (I'm not encouraging you to make fun of him, just want you to examine what stops you. it sounds like he doesn't have that quality)

[candy604]

well i talked to him, he feels bad and realizes how he should change this jokes and the way he should treat me with his words. ( this is the last chance)

 

I only make fun of him if he makes fun of me, my jokes are mean though. I tried being mean to him and it just gets shrugged of b/c he doesn't get hurt by it, so really my mean jokes don't make him feel bad.

 

I know what u guys are saying but it's so hard to let go and especially if he's apologizing and saying he'll change etc..

[xprincessbugx]

If he doesn't straighten up then you should move on. He has no reason to say mean things to you even if he is "being honest" he's just a jerk and you'll realize that one day. I understand it's hard to let go since he is your first boyfriend but there will be many others.