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Where do I go from here?


turkcmilo
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Here's the story:

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 very happy years. These last couple of months we have been taking it slower than usual, per her request. I decided to try to regain control by breaking up with her, thinking she would tell me not to leave, that she loved me and ultimately make the taking it slow go away. Well it ended worse than I could have imagined instead of what I planned she now actually wants to be broken up even though she claims she loves me more than she has ever loved anyone. She feels that if we got back together I might pull a stupid game like that with her again sometime down the line.

While I can completely see where she is coming from in saying this. It should be noted however that in the past I have never played any games infact the day I did that I was having problems with family, work, and my living situation for school. I believe I did this stupid mistake because of the underlying issues. I in no way actually wanted to break-up with her and she and I both said we wish I never said that and we could still be happy and together. We both want to be together I think she is just scared. I don't know how to approach this situation in a way to win her back while showing her that I would not betray her trust by playing games ever again. NC seems like a bad idea to me in this situation. But I welcome all opinions, comments, and advice.

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NC does seem like a bad idea. Acting like a boyfriend would be bad too. Acting as if you were just a friend is a good place to start.

 

I also think you might need to begin thinking about looking elsewhere while you act like a friend. She sooner or later may be needed to make a choice, take you back or risk you being gone for good. That can really only bedone well if there is a risk or her losing the chance to have you, and it needs to be a real risk. If it is not a real risk, it will be a game.

 

So, let's say you go out with someone else on a date. She finds out. You need to be honest about if it was just a date, possibly more, etc. And you also need to get the message accross that she needs to make decisions.

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I have talked about this before in response to other posts.

 

I think when you are in a great relationship it is almost like there is a spell over the two of you. You feel good together, you are attracted to each other you don't look at the other persons faults and flaws.

 

The danger with "taking a break" is that the spell gets broken. You see the other person somehow in a different light, and it's not what you were seeing when the relationship was on.

 

I think this may be something like what has happened to you. The break has intensified the doubts she was having and chrystalised her decision.

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I think what you did was manipulative, and in a way, it's good that she broke up with you. You did not respect her request to take things slowly. Instead, you decided to be manipulative by giving her an ultimatum, and because she saw right through that, she broke up with you. It would be hard for her to trust you again. Sometimes, when you do something stupid like this, you have to face the consequences of your actions.

 

I know you had your underlying issues to deal with, but I don't think that should have got in the way of something so important. You don't throw around the term "break up" just to get your way. If she actually stayed because of your empty threat, I would have thought her to be weak. But, no, she's strong, and I applaud her for that.

 

Don't do this ever again. It sounds like you've learned from your mistake, so take it as a lesson and start anew with someone else. Trust is something that someone gives to you once, and when you break it, it can never be mended completely.

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Beec- That seems good to bring about a decision but at the current moment I am not intersested in dating others. I wouldn't want to pretned to be dating either as she would easily call my bluff and move on for real.

 

Melrich- Yes that spell was definitely there, and I am positive that the taking it slow is a leading contributer to her doubts and fears. If we weren't taking it slow I believe the realtionship would have easlily been strong enough to get past this as just a small bump.

 

DN- She actually wanted to start all over from square one. The reason for which was that she said she wasn't IN love with me but loved me and though starting over and taking it slow would reignite that in her.

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My ex said the same words to me,which he still love me as friend,but isn't in love with me.He said if we start from the beginning,we may will get back in future.He miss the friendship with me and told me if I want to go next stage must start as friend.I thought about the result many times,maybe we only can be best friends and never fall in love again.So I wonder if this way work on me.I am working on being friend and follow all the tips.I read all the NC,I am thinking if NC is the best way.

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Well I use some form of LC, I guess it would be that it only lasted a day. She called in the morning and about an hour afterwards 2nd time she wasn't even sure why she called. Today we did hang out for a little while and it was nice. I didn't mention the relationship but she did hinting she wants to get back together. At this point I plan to keep LC and stay apart for the moment I'm not sure if and when to get together, that point may never come. But I am happy she will at least be in my life, after the last two and a half years she has grown to know me better than most of my friends. Does anyone see a redflag with her having contacted me so soon with noticably changed feelings?

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