She's 14, I'm 17

[House]

Hi,

My problem is much like Viseman's in his 14.5 vs 17 thread, but I thought I might start a new thread anyhow.

 

So here's the situation in a nutshell: I met this girl at a party a little while back, she was one of my friend's friends. I was instantly attracted to her, and we got to know each other via MSN after the party. I was surprised to find out that she was only 14, and I was 16 at the time. Now I am 17 and she just told me today that she likes me.

Sure I think she's cute and a nice girl, but I'm worried what people might think for an 8th grader going out with an 11th grader. I mean I know it's not exactly common, but nor is it unheard of. I told her that maybe we should take things slow and get to know each other in person a bit first (we goto different schools). Just judging someone over IM isn't exactly the best way to know if you truly do like someone afterall.

 

I'd just like some opinions or advice on what to do... I'm kinda confused, especially after just having just recently having my heart smashed a little bit by someone else (long story, not gonna tell that one). She says that she would never do anything like that to me, but I still question if at her age, she is ready for the serious relationship that I'm after. She says that if she's not mature enough that she can be...

 

Iuno, any advice would be helpful. Thanks guys and gals.

[neva_black_n_white]

I think people who are younger can have a higher maturity level, as can a 17 year old be as immature as a 12 year old or younger. So i can understand what shes saying on that level.

 

Firstly, its nice to see that you are concerned (I know it would probably make it easier if you werent, and you were care free and just jumped into it). But like i said, atleast you are thinking it through.

 

Msn doesnt form the greatest of foundations for a relationship. So, instead of maybe labelling yourselves as a couple straight away, you should maybe meet up a few times.

 

Yes she is younger, and to be honest it is quite a significant gap (merely because your both young. The ironic thing about it, is that, if you were 23 and 27 .. it probably wouldnt be an issue). But at the end of the day. She is under the age of concent, and unfortunately, even if that isnt a factor, its usually the first thing people presume!

 

I dated someone who was 5 years older than me.. so as you can see from the profile, thats a bit of a gap! He was amazing, we worked very well together. I mean, we clicked like it was unreal. BUT what broke us up is others perceptions and the fact he was moving with a course (and at that age, i cant move, im going to university).. People are at different stages in there lives at different ages also.

 

Sometimes the things that hinder a relationship with an age gap is what people are ready in their lives to do. you know?

 

I think you have to think through what you want. Dont rebound (Ive just broken up from my relationship and been on a date with someone. Everyone says, its only been 6 weeks, dont rebound. And im like, no no, im not rebounding. But, to be fair, it could be that).

 

Be careful. ok?

 

good luck.

neva

[nosoul]

hey well my boyfriend is 5 months younger and a grade below me and we went to differnt schools last year.and we're doing fine.I also dated a guy 2 years younger then i and we didnt work out so well but it had nothing to do with age.i dunt know why he dumped but thats not important. what is important is age is importanted.

Did you know girls mature faster then boys? so your maybe 17 and act 17 or 16 but shes 14 and is as mature as 16 or 15 so your maturity levels are about the same or she could even be more mature then you.

But i say you get to know her better and give it a try.Because what is the worst that can happen?You could end up with a really good friend at the end.

If you do go ahead with it and people have something to say about it, make they're words make your relationship stronger, and dont let the words break it all down.

[brando]

Dude, your 17, she is 14. What can be the attraction? She is still a kid, and your pending on adulthood. besides in a year you will be graduating HS.

 

What kind of a serious realtionship do you honestly think you will have with her????

 

I was married to a woman with two teenage daughters. The older one met some guy in HS, he was left back a few times, so he was with 16 year olds and he was 18. Well needless to say i dod not appreciate him calling my house to speak to her. And I had no problem letting him know this. She was actually 15 at the time.

 

Stick to girls your age..she has to finish junior high school first, and you have college or a career to think about.

 

Also, noone can promise not to hurt you when you get into a relationship, her sentiment is sweet, but unrealistic.

[PhilliesFan001]

I say to wait. The attraction could be based on the fact that you just got your heart broken and she seems appealing, or it could truly be based on your own feelings for her.

 

Either way, waiting is the best option. Unless you live somewhere that the age of consent is 14, a sexual relationship is out. Even dating would raise some eyebrows and ultimately probably wouldn't be best for either of you. She's a teenager, but a young one. You'll very soon be an adult. You're going off to college soon, she's probably just entered high school or 10th grade.

 

There's nothing wrong with being friends with her. Keep hanging out, e-mailing, whatever. When you go away to University, keep in touch. And maybe when you're at a more similar place (16-19, 17-20, 18-21, etc) it'll be entirely different.

 

Three years is a tiny tiny gap, but it's magnified because of her young age. Stay friends for now, and who knows what can happen when she gets a bit older.

[House]

Thanks for the replies so far guys.

 

I think it is best to just let things lay low for a while and see what happens. I don't wanna rush into anything, especially if it turns out that she is not ready. I was thinking about what Brando said, about how she is basically a kid and asked how there could be attraction there. Simple: she doesn't look or act her age. She looks like she could be 15 or 16 easily.

 

That doesn't matter anyhow, what does matter is that I think I've made the decision to just lay back and see what happens for now. I appreciate any more advice or opinions that anyone has to give or add

[Hannahleh]

I don't think anybody can really judge your maturity and the situation but you.

 

I'm 15, and my boyfriend's out of school (just graduated) and it's not an issue for us at all. I've seen other couples with the same gap not work out so well, but it all depends on your compatibility.

 

Regardless, if it's a rebound thing-- you shouldn't do that to either of you. I'd say wait, get to know her... the age shouldn't be a big deal if you were really sure about how the rest of the relationship'll go.

[Cold]

Im 19, ive realised just lately that i only really matured my additude when i was out of highschool. I think its very possible for a 17yr old to have a meaningful relationship with a 14 yr old. And thats another opinion of mine thats changed just lately. You both probably have roughly the same maturity level, and should be able to get along well. Nobody should take this personally, but girls mature so much faster then guys...

[House]

Wel update time I think.

 

I was talking with the girl in question alot over the weekend. We've decided to go out next weekend and have some lunch and catch a movie or something away from home, so that there is less chance of people seeing us. I'm still not sure what people would think... but for now we're taking it slow and I plan to get to know her better and see what happens from there. She seems to be really into me though, just from her text messages and stuff. She says she's never felt this way about anyone else before. But like I said, I spose slow and steady is the best way to go for now.

 

Any more advice that anyone has is still welcome.

[eremy]

Yeah, I've got some stuff to say. I think it should be very apparent by now that age is not a factor! Relationships don't work out with kids under 18 just as much as they don't work out with grown adults. No, I'm not ignoring maturity, and how much someone is capable of changing in their younger years...I'm merely stating that to blame somebody's age is not the right course. If anything, blame maturity, compatability...ect.

 

I would also like to point out that it's stupid to worry about what others think about the situation. You'd be dating her, not everyone else. Yeah, it's unfortunate that people feel the need to poke their nose in other people's business...but in the end it doesn't really matter what they think. So, I'd say give it a shot, maybe it won't work out, maybe it will...at least it's a learning experience. At the end of the day, just go with what your heart tells you, as it sounds like both of you have your heart in the right place, even if your ages aren't. I like to believe that age of consent laws are there to protect young teenagers from sexual predators...NOT people who wish to share a close relationship.

[House]

That's really something.. makes me think that there ARE good and understanding people in the world

 

OK so we went on our first 'date' on Saturday, unfortunately it was a bit of a disaster We went to a movie (first mistake) and she didn't want to eat, probably of the fact that she felt guilty for not having any money (parents didn't know about it so she couldn't ask for any). That was prolly the first indication of things gone wrong.

 

We didn't talk ALOT, and during the movie we laughed a bit. I asked her if she was OK and she said yes, didn't quite satisfy me though... I still thought something was wrong. It was all just very... awkward to say the least. She ended up having to leave for her friend's place (where she was SUPPOSED to be as far as her parents knew) where she would be picked up. No hug or anything, just awkward 'it was nice seeing you' and off we went our separate ways.

I'm thinking that, for starters, a movie was NOT a good idea for going out, especially since we had really only seen each other face-to-face one time before that. Also the venue wasn't good... she was worried about running into people she knew or her parents around the area, so if there is a next time then maybe going somehwre out of the way or further away from home couldn't.

 

I did say IF though, I have messaged her a few times since and gotten no reply. She doesn't have any credit and I know that, but usually she will get another phone to use. I am wondering if it's because if how things went or whether she feels bad... I don't know, all in all I'm a little confused about everything. I just didn't know what to do, it was my first time and I totallt screwed up After her saying how much she liked me, I think that my face-to-face impression may have kinda tarnished that or summit... Things seemed like they were going so well before this too... geez women are confusing creatures!

[Bawls44]

best piece of advice ive seen in awhile

[ryanbrasier]

i agree go for it it can work