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I have had a relationship with my ex-fiance for about 2 years. She had an affair which hurt me bad. We continued to try to get over it for about 6 months, and to no prevail...it didn't last. I had no more trust and things were not working out the way that I wished it would have..buy I still love her.

 

We separated about 5 months ago..but she still had feelings for me..she wanted me back..but her expectations were to hard for me to reach with what she had done to me, and how my trust and emotions had been ruined. I I was starting to move on..I was happy..but I think it was because she was still a "security blanket" for me...knowing that she loved me but I had the upper hand. I didn't know how to react. But somehow....I still love her...very much. Let it be noted that we have a 2 year old son together also....which we both love very much and want the best for him.

 

Well it seems that she finally decided to start dating the same guy she had an affair with now. This is devistating to me..very hard to deal with..my emotions have been running wild..anger...hate...jealously..and trying to "bargain" with her to get me back., trying to convince her that I am the one for her...not him. I couldn't deal with it.

 

After reading these posts over and over again, along with other helpful sites, I tried to focus on the positive aspects. Then....I thought..and thought..and finally I came to the conclusion that, for my readings and insight, that forgiveness and hope is the path to happiness. She came over to drop my son off tonight...I should not have contact with her because of this...but my hurt is deep.....but.............(This next part is a personal religious belief...you can deal with it in any faith or religion you have) If you sit down, relax...and talk to God....let him know how you are feeling..that it hurts deeply...but ask him for forgiveness for the one that hurt you....know that Jesus is beside you...and that with him...follow his footsteps in the path of forgiveness....and let him know that you ask the same for the one who hurt you..You know you can move on..there is no doubt about that..but you will never cross the hurt if you don't forgive first. All you have to do is confront the person who hurt you...tell them that you have forgiven them in the eyes of God, and through that...both of you will heal and can move on..without the pain and hurt.

 

It is a big step..and may be harder than what you think..but it ultimately will help you in the progress of losing someone, especially if they left you and you feel the pain. Don't Get me wrong...I am not a typical "religious" type...I have not went to church for the longest time.....but have some faith..it helps the healing progress....sit down...relax....close your hands...open your mind..and tell Jesus that you are forgiving as God has....and ask him to heal your wounds and go on with your wonderful life. You are not the only one to go through this...let that be known....it takes time.....but I (personally) believe that the first and greatest step is to take a relaxed moment, sit down, breath deeply, and talk to your God....ask them to help you walk down the path of happiness, serenity, and forgive those who have made you feel the way you do, and to heal and go on with your life as it was meant to be. Try it...I did..and it helped me. These are the baby steps...even if you are not religious..to healing a broken relationship with the one you love. Relax...take deep breaths...and tell in your mind to your God or yourself that you forgive and will go on with your wonderful and beautiful life that has so many things for you to look forward to.

 

I am not in no way forcing a religious aspect on this..everybody has their beliefs....but what I am trying to say is that a basic forgiveness is the first step into moving on with your great life. Just deeply think about it and try it..it may help you move on from your despair.

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I have been struggling with many of the same emotions you have, and trying to find that forgiveness threshold. Its so hard...are you two going to get back together. Have you forgiven, and gotten passed the feeling that she perfectly well could hurt you again, especially given the history? Thats what blocked me, i hadnt forgiven, andwhen pushed, i had to back away from a wonderful person who made some terrible mistakes and now she is gone. Your story was a wonderful help in my own push. Thank you and i hope all is well with iy

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it is all very well talking about forgiveness and for some people it may be the right thing to do; both to give it and to receive it

 

in many cases though forgiveness granted freely without any remorse or contrition on the part of the person who did wrong is simply a licence to keep on doing what they were doing without any comeback on them whatsoever

 

forgiveness sounds good but in the modern world and in the wrong hands, it is nothing more than a suckers charter and bad people the world over are only too happy to be given a get out of jail card every time they do wrong

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it is all very well talking about forgiveness and for some people it may be the right thing to do; both to give it and to receive it

 

in many cases though forgiveness granted freely without any remorse or contrition on the part of the person who did wrong is simply a licence to keep on doing what they were doing without any comeback on them whatsoever

 

forgiveness sounds good but in the modern world and in the wrong hands, it is nothing more than a suckers charter and bad people the world over are only too happy to be given a get out of jail card every time they do wrong

 

Badboy I fully agree with you. Forgiveness is a double edge sword in my opinion. I have been in two long term relationships in the last 8 years and in both cases I was cheated on and asked to forgive them. In both cases I forgave them rather quickly and without much consequences given. In both cases i have lived to regret these decisions. In both cases the relationship was over within 6 months. Both of these women ended up cheating a second time and then rather than asking for forgiveness they left me for the other person and then wanted to be my friend.

 

I consider myself a nice guy and I am starting to see a pattern of being stomped on by these people once they see that they have the opportunity to. Now I am sure there are people out there that are honest and loyal but forgiveness can be taken advantage of.

 

Rob

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I keep hearing that forgiveness is good for a person to heal. I disagree. I am working on releasing the anger and hurt. I am working on healing my wounds. However, I do not see why I have to forgive someone who thought it was okay to marry me under a lie and then abuse me. This person does not deserve forgiveness, he made it clear again and again that he wanted to hurt me and break me.

 

So. I forgive myself. I work through my feelings, so I don't bring any lingering garbage to my future relationships. I am working on healing myself and getting my esteem and trust back. But forgive that one person? No. It would be like saying it is okay, it is understandable, it is forgiven. And it is none of those things.

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I think that we need a slightly different version of forgiveness.

 

It does not mean that it is okay what they did. It does not mean that you are okay with what they did. It is not anything that you have to say to them. It is for you.

 

All it means is that you don't carry it around with you anymore. You just get rid of the hurt in your heart. Sure your brain knows that it was wrong and that you disagree with it, but you "forgive" the person when you stop caring.

 

For example, you could forgive a person for standing you up on a date. However this doesn't mean that you are going to take another date with them, because you know that they may stand you up.

 

So in some ways, I think that forgiving a person allows you to stop hurting for what they have done, yet you can clearly see the person for who they truly are which allows you to make good decisions regarding them.

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Forgiveness should come from your heart, and you should only grant it if you genuinely feel it. It should be done for you, not for the other person. It's an important and powerful way to let go, to heal, and to move on. But only do it if and when you are ready to. And after you do so, then live as if you have truly forgiven. I'm not advocating forgetting about the hurts that you are forgiving the other person for, but not bringing it up in a way that is hurtful to them, not reminding them that they have hurt you out of spite, and not lording it over them. It's about putting past actions aside, and moving forward in a positive new direction.

 

Good luck!

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Forgiveness should come from your heart, and you should only grant it if you genuinely feel it. It should be done for you, not for the other person. It's an important and powerful way to let go, to heal, and to move on. But only do it if and when you are ready to. And after you do so, then live as if you have truly forgiven. I'm not advocating forgetting about the hurts that you are forgiving the other person for, but not bringing it up in a way that is hurtful to them, not reminding them that they have hurt you out of spite, and not lording it over them. It's about putting past actions aside, and moving forward in a positive new direction.

 

Good luck!

 

Good call. It removes your pain without removing the memory. The memory is importand so that you can avoid the same pain in the future

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