Post-breakup hookups

[finewhine]

Soooo, I broke up with my boyfriend of over three years two months ago. I have my ups and downs, but I'm definitely getting better every day. I think I'm now past the incredible pain part of the recovery process and am beginning to see the relationship for what it was and learn from it, yadda yadda yadda.

 

Here's the deal: my friend has a hot roommate. A hot roommate who's two years younger than me (I'm 26, he's 24). Now, I have no desire to do anything more than sleep with this guy for many reasons, first among them that I'm not ready for anything except some sex. In fact, part of the reason I want to sleep with this guy is because he seems like he's really into hanging out with his friends and getting drunk and being cool, age-appropriate activities all. In short, I don't think he's likely to be looking for a girlfriend, so I doubt I'll crush him if I don't want anything more. Likewise, he can't hurt me because I want nothing from him but a good time.

 

Now before you go telling me that sleeping with someone will bring up memories of my ex, let me tell you that one of the major reasons I left my ex is because we stopped having sex, so no danger there.

 

Here's my problem and my blessing: I don't want anything from him, and that includes any post-hookup followup. Am I running into any danger here? Should I pick someone I don't know? Sex with a stranger sounds scary to me, though. Should I say something to indicate that I don't want anything? Interrupting a hot makeout session with, "Now, you should be aware I'm recovering from a breakup," sounds like a buzzkill. Help!

[arwen]

Well, sleeping with someone else is not a bad thing after a break up, I think. There is a difference between someone you don't know and a friend of a friend. If you think the latter is too complicated, you can also just start dating casually and get to know the person a little bit before you do anything further. I think a lot of people don't mind sex with no strings attached, as long as matters are clear from the beginning. You don't have to mention that DURING sex, it can be discussed during a casual date I think.

 

Ilse

[finewhine]

Thanks, Ilse. Now, do you suggest a casual date? I was thinking of just hooking up with him at a party tomorrow, or is that too skanky?

 

Funny, I'm like the most prim girl in the world under normal circumstances!

[arwen]

Hahaha, well there's nothing wrong with having a bit of sex after having been in an ending relationship. Just see what happens after the party. I think a lot of guys around his age won't mind a no-strings-attached kind of thing (but discuss things a little bit in a light manner, like saying you just want to have a little bit of fun for now).

 

Ilse

[zippitt]

Just make sure you he knows what your expectations are, chances are he will be fine with it. Ableit it might uncomfortable to bring it up, but just because he's a guy doesn't mean he will not be hurt by being used for sex.

 

Other than that have a great time!

[cblack21]

This is an easy one for you, all you really have to do is talk to the guy. Talk to him about how great being single is and that your happy to not be tied down to one person. Chances are good that if he's attracted to you, he will try to seduce you, all you have to do is sit back and enjoy yourself and you've already made your future intentions clear.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am always amazed by women who say they just want casual sex but then get upset when the guy doesn't call. You won't die if you don't have sex. If you go out looking for casual flings remember the following:

1. you may end up getting more attached than you expected.

2. He may end up getting more attached.

3. Unfortunately double standards are still alive and well so guess what....he will be considered a stud and your name will be bandied around as "for a good time call..."

The caution to men of thinking with their head not with what is between their legs, holds just as true for women.

You have only been broken up for two months. Heal from that first and have a fulfilling life and then you might find a more fulfilling relationship with great sex.

[finewhine]

Thanks for all the encouragement! Think I may just see what happens. If things get to that point, I will say something along the lines of what y'all have suggested.

 

To crazyaboutdogs: I do understand your point, I really do. I am just going to point out that I am an agnostic liberal with a great education who lives in a major metropolitan area and I hang out with a bunch of similarly progressive people. I guess that the double standard may hold for some men, but the men with whom I choose to spend my time wouldn't dare think that a woman isn't just as capable of casual sex as a man, nor would they stigmatize someone just because she has had one casual encounter.

 

Furthermore, I am fully aware that I won't *die* if I don't have sex because I spent the last three years with a man whose libido was lower than the NASDAQ after the tech bust. I *want* to have casual sex. With few exceptions, I have been in monagomous, meaningful relationships for all of my post-pubescent life. What's wrong with f_ing around before I inevitably wind up in another one? This won't in any way cheapen my accomplishments or sense of self-respect, nor am I under the delusion that it will it enrich me in any meaningful way (except, hopefully, orgasmically).

 

Also, I take offense to the assumption that I am just thinking with "what's between (my) legs." I am not just thinking with my clit! If only my life were that easy! Why would I bother posting to a group of anonymous strangers if I was? I am considering his feelings, something obvious from my post.

 

Finally, I thank you for your consideration of my healing and long-term wellbeing. However, I will add that I believe part of my healing can be sought in the casual embrace of a young, hot guy. Sheesh!

[nikkers04]

Well put finewhine...I'm 6 years younger than you but somewhat in the same postion. I've only been with one guy and often wonder what it would be like to let loose and enjoy the feelings of another guy...even just for a one nighter...I Say what the other posters say...tell him you love being single and just looking for a little fun...And above all enjoy yourself.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I did not mean to offend. I wish you all the best in your quest.

[finewhine]

It's cool. I'm just one of those hyper-feminist types.