Thinking of having an affair?

[Oldboy]

Infidelity is such a common thing nowadays. It’s easy to cheat. It’s easy to fall into an affair. So easy to betray the one you loved. Is it?

Once a cheater always a cheater? … Perhaps. Perhaps if the cheater could understand the magnitude of damage that can be done by this oh so simple act then they would never do it again. You would have to be the coldest hearted robot to put anyone else through this again.

Let me tell you something about betrayal. For all those who are betraying their loved ones right know. Take heed: You will be found out. Whether you tell your partner or not you will be caught. You will be caught by your own conscience sooner or later. But you should know this….

You will never understand the pain of betrayal. It can’t be put into words. And if it could, the words would still not be enough. You have to experience it to know.

Time heals but the pain is always there. Like loosing a limb. You adapt. You make allowances. You have lost a part of your being and you always remember the pain. You will heal and move on: You know you will get over it. But you will not forget.

You feel that any future relationship will be tainted by your lack of trusting. You will find love again but can you afford to trust?… remembering the pain. You are scarred. You are bitter but you don’t want to be. Why should I feel bitterness in my heart when I don’t want to? Why should I hold anger against someone when I never wanted to be an angry person? Will I ever soften my heart to accept what has happened?

If you are cheating get out now or resolve your relationship with your partner. That person you are cheating deserves better. If there are children involved you have betrayed them also. The lives of any children in this will be changed for ever. They are innocent victims. But even children know the difference between right and wrong and they will in time forsake you. You have lost them. You have lost your children already.

The future is not written. But the statistics on the future relationship of partners who cheat does not make good reading for anyone in an affair who thinks it will last.

If the betrayed is bitter and needs a comforting thought then I can point to my own experience thus: In the affair triangle the one who always comes off best and even better than ever before is the betrayed. And guess who comes off worst? (My case in point) She will feel guilt and regret for a very long time. (Can you ever get rid of guilt? Coupled with this the fact that every time she comes to visit to see her children she will see what she has given up. It is the beautiful things you have in your life that make your life beautiful). And if the third person has any heart or thoughts there will be guilt in him too. The true colours of the person she has given herself to will be revealed in time. This person has put himself and his needs above those of her, her children and me. Her family and my family. That he could speak to me in my own home while banging my wife and not show any heart speaks volumes of this person. What man with any honour and integrity would not stand up and say: “You have a husband and a family, you have a home, you have a marriage, you should not be with me”.

While the cheaters have each other to lean on through the emotional crisis; the betrayed has none.

I have had no-ones arms to fall into while I have went through my pain. I have only taken heed from a few others and looked to my own inner strength.

It is inner strength that sees you through this. You alone bear your pain: You can't give it to someone else for break. I didn't know I had as much inner strength or that I could draw it when needed.

As for the other two; they will continue babbling sweet nothings to each other in the hope that there-in lies the answer to their own hurt.(or at least hers... and believe you me she is hurting). But they will never learn that to get through the pain you can only really look into yourself and find your inner strength. The cheaters never have this option to grow and learn. His life is over and any potential he had will never be realized. But he never had any anyway so * * * * him.

As for her: Will the sweet nothings he mutters to her be enough cleanse her soul? Will the lies he tells ever assuage her of her own remorse? I think not.

[REDIRECT43]

I've never cheated per se, but it's always in the back of my mind. I am not speaking for everyone who cheats, but I will give you the reasons why I would cheat. I am TERRIFIED of getting hurt. Absolutely terrified. If I feel the relationship is about to hit the skids, or we are going through problems, I will cheat just to take the pain away. Yes, it's wrong. Yes, I should be able to communicate my fears to my partner. But I can't. Maybe I'm not as invested in the relationship, maybe I'm not as in love with my partner as I think. But I am terrified of going through pain again. Maybe I am a commitmentphobe. Who knows. I have that debilitating fear that keeps me from getting too close to a person. I can be crazy about him, but as soon as something goes wrong I panic. , and try to seek out someone else...and it has nothing to do with pleasure. Are any others out there like this?

[RayKay]

I don't necessarily think 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I think a lot of cheaters do learn, maybe as they get cheated on themselves, or they mature, or....they meet someone whom they love too much and know won't stand for cheating. Sometimes, they do realize how much they hurt someone, and work for forgiveness - not necessarily from the one whom is long gone, but on forgiving themselves.

 

However, I do think that once someone has cheated in a relationship...they are far more likely to do it again unless they truly show they are going to address it, accept responsibility and do whatever they need to show they are faithful from there on in. Even then, the trust is often so broken, that it is a very difficult thing to go back from. If someone does NOT show that willingness to accept their wrongs and right them...it's even worse. I think often when you "forgive" it often also just tells them you will forgive again....but that varies.

 

The pain is indeed great, and it can take a long time to rebuild not only trust in others, but most of all in yourself. To trust your feelings, to trust sharing your heart with someone. But, I am going to say this...it does get better, and as you heal yourself, and your heart, and gain that confidence in yourself again...you DO trust again. But more importantly...you trust those whom DESERVE that trust, and not those whom don't. At least, I hope this happens. Some people lose trust, believe all people will do this to them, and so settle for people whom will.....you need to look at yourself too as you heal, your own choices and what red flags you have ignored time and time again.

 

Anyway, it is possible for both cheaters, and those whom have been cheated on, to learn, heal and move forward. And discover healthy, committed relationships in their future.

[Beec]

I think you need to look into you for answers. These are your own insecurities and emotions controlling you.

 

What the OP has said is on. What he has correctly identified is that neither one of the cheating couple has really acted out of love, out of caring for another and hope and working for the very best for them, of putting your effort into helping them get the best for them. And when you do it for each other, it's pretty wonderful.

 

REDIRECT43, put your effort into what is the best for your partner, and find a partner who will do that for you.

[BellaDonna]

OldBoy,

 

I remember your situation quite well. Your ex wife's infidelity is even more complex than the "average" situation, with the age difference and the resulting pregnancy. I am glad you are expressing what you are feeling here....and I think your feelings about cheating are quite justified.

 

You do sound like you are doing better though.You seemed to have put this whole thing in perspective and realized how strong you are. I hope your kids are doing better too.

 

BellaDonna

[Oldboy]

Thanks Belladonna. I appreciate you posting here. How is your father these days? I hope he is well and is over his own experience. Any sign of your mother? I hope you are well too. I read your posts all the time.

I have done a lot of research on infidelity since I last posted my story. Trying to find answers. I think it has helped me a lot.

It has helped me see that even a good relationship can be vulnerable to infidelity if one party has issues they are unwilling to resolve.

You're right; my wife's saga is complicated by the fact that she is pregnant to someone half her age. But the pattern follows the same as your average everyday affair. She even uttered the same phrases that other people having affairs are quoted as saying. The affair she had followed the same route as all others.

But this is not to make light of the damage to others that infidelity can cause. In my case my mother has been traumatized by the whole thing to the point that she will not leave the house, my father is in despair at the sight of his wife in such distress, and my brothers will not approach me for reasons which I cannot fathom. My children are changed. I can see the difference in them. It is very difficult to take when you hear your youngest moan for her mother in her sleep. My own anger at this hurt to others has still not found outlet. Sometimes I am in the depths of despair because I can see no end to the mess my family and me are in. I have been left to cope with everything alone now because everyone who can help me is either to hurt or too bewildered to do so. But I know I will see light at the end of the tunnel sometime and until it appears I will just slog it out.

What I am trying to say in this post is that there is little or no difference in the machinations and eventual outcome of any affair.

The vast majority of affairs end and both cheaters go on to find other partners. In the case of my wife this will not happen as she has a tie to him and when the excitement and newness that is so often the foundation of an affair dies down she will be left to contemplate a life with someone who is not man enough to do right by her. (I have not seen hide nor hair of him since well before discovery. He does not leave his house and lives in fear). In the two years (almost) that he has "known" my wife he has developed asthma and diabetes. He has lost his driving licence and now has a prison record. He apparently has daily fights with his father who is an alcoholic and he now has no friends. Is this Karma? Or just an observation.

But I digress.

Back to reasons and outcome.

Reasons for an affair? In my case as far as I'm concerned. none. She went looking for something outside our marriage that she had and could have found again in our marriage. She only had to look. She had fulfillment in our marriage to a certain extent and to look for that last extra piece to make the marriage perfect has meant that all concerned have paid a heavy price.

But none more than her…

Outcome of an affair: pain and regret for the cheater. Beec touched on another reason for affairs not lasting… no commitment. You are not exactly committing to the other when you are living at home with your spouse for as long as the affair lasts. Why? Because you have really no intention of leaving the main relationship. It's an addiction … there is a subconscious knowledge of this. Even a cheater doesn't want to hook up with someone who sleeps with a married woman.

 

RayKay: thanks for posting here too. I have followed your posts with interest and I know you have a strong opinion on cheating. I didn't actually say "once a cheater always a cheater" I only said perhaps.

I believe in forgiveness and redemption. While it would be very difficult to trust someone whose has betrayed you I believe trust can be earned if the betrayer shows willingness to earn it. But the person has to be worth the effort on your part and in the end cheaters have not shown they are worth it. The time and effort have already been spent and next time it's going to go on someone more deserving.

[Beec]

Oldboy,

 

It hurts, but you also know that you have found strength to persevere. Not much more one can do than that in such circumstances. And I think you will find that your family will appreciate and admire you more for it.

 

Your brothers, they hurt for you too, and they just don't know what to do. You might see if you can engage in some male bonding with them and your father. Of course, I don;t know what to do for your mother.

 

Good luck in continuing showing the strength you have in this thread.

[Oldboy]

Thanks Beec. I'm not sure exactly sure where the hurt is coming from. Is it the mess I have been left to clear up? Is it the genuine loss of love? The rejection? Fear of the future? The amount of work I have to do bearing down on me?

I've got to play golf tomorrow. She loved walking round the course with me when I practiced. I can't play the game now.. I'm crap. I leave the course almost in tears because when I am supposed to be focusing on the shots I'm processing thoughts in my head about where my life is going and what to do about the multitude of problems on my plate. And then when all the guys are in the bar having a drink I'm on my way home to do the housework. Wait a minute... I should hire a maid.

This is how this bull * * * * permeates through every aspect of life now.

[Beec]

I cannot give you those answers. I don't know when they will come. But you will find a way to make it through. You'll find your answers. You've really just started looking.

[Majoraslayer]

The person who posted this topic is right. I LOVED that post, as it is the most refreshing truth I've ever heard. Karma can be a * * * * *....or it can be the most wonderful thing in the life of the heartbroken.

 

 

 

No offense, but the mere fact that there are people in this world who share your views scares me to no end. Cheating tore my parents apart, as well as took away the girl I loved more than any other I've met. She pretty well shared this view, and it destroyed my life TWICE. Cheating is NEVER the answer; if you feel the need to find someone else BREAK UP WITH THE CURRENT PARTNER FIRST. How can that be such a difficult concept? You may be afraid to break up with them out of fear of hurting them, but cheating on them will hurt them several times more.

[Oldboy]

Majorslayer, I was merely asking if this is Karma. But I think you've answered my question from your own point of view. I've read your posts before and I think your words show that you are angry at the damage that the act of infidelity can do. So am I. But I think it is maybe better to let go the anger and get on with life. (Such as it is at the moment). Try indifference... anger is a feeling and means you still have a connection. It's not easy to get rid of anger in the face of so much distress in others around you and of course the anger you have for being "slighted".

But my opinion is that the natural course of events of an affair from start to finish can be seen as Karma in action.

From my experience during the time that she was having the affair (Her excuse was that she felt unhappy in our relationship) she admitted that she has never been so miserable. She could have stopped it at any time but chose not to thereby extending her misery by her own selfishness. She chose as her new "mate" a person who has no thoughts about jumping into bed with a married woman. In by doing so he's * * * *ed himself too.

In a nutshell: The cheater jumps into bed with new friend, wants to get out but can't bring themselves to finish the affair due to addiction to the high, destroy marriage/relationship with loved one in the process, cause pain and hurt to all and sundry.

And in the end… cheater is left alone or drifting… cheated becomes better and stronger. Cheater… guilt regret. Cheated… new and better partner.

[Majoraslayer]

You're right; its probably wrong of me to continue to be angry. However, finding a state of apathy isn't as easy as snapping one's fingers. The anger I have is actually well-controlled, and instead of using it for negative purposes I try to draw personal strength from it and use that strength to balance out the feelings of sheer hopelessness and pain.

 

For example, sometimes I'll think of the way she always seemed to love me, yet could remoselessly stab me in the back. If I chose to simply dwell on this, I couldn't pull myself out of bed in the morning; the feelings of sadness in missing her would overcome me. Instead I think of how much I hate her for it, imagine telling her how I feel, then use the adrenaline to do something productive. Its like changing the debilitating sadness into anger, then venting that anger in a healthy activity such as taking a walk. I've found this is a much better way of coping, as it hurts no one else and actually helps me be more productive.

 

Eventually, as the pain starts to subside and true apathy begins to set in, I'll no longer rely on this coping strategy. For now its worked, and I've actually been able to smile and laugh from time to time because of the relief its brought.

[Beec]

You're right; its probably wrong of me to continue to be angry. However, finding a state of apathy isn't as easy as snapping one's fingers. The anger I have is actually well-controlled, and instead of using it for negative purposes I try to draw personal strength from it and use that strength to balance out the feelings of sheer hopelessness and pain.

 

Majoraslayer,

 

It's really tough to let go of anger. No question about it. It's harder even to forgive. And you seem to have found a way to channel your anger. Which is good, if you are going to have it.

 

But, you should let it go for YOU. Anger does eat at us, it gnaws on our insides and makes us more miserable to be around than we otherwise would be. Even if you are trying to not take it out on others, it leaks out, always just a little. When you think you are ready, try, try to let it go.

[Oldboy]

I think anger is sometimes what you are left with after the pain changes into cold reality of what has happened to you. I expect the pain to go away in the future and be replaced with the all elusive indifference. But I am afraid I expect to be left with bitterness. At the moment I am angry at the way I see myself on occasions whimpering like a beaten dog. I don't want to be like this. Why should I be like this. In a state of limbo all the time. Wondering what emotion will overwhelm me next? I didn't ask for this. How can someone not be bitter? How can you not be bitter for the contempt that someone who has betrayed you and all you stood for shown?

They will never know what it is like. They will never understand what they have done. They have crushed your spirit and self image.

[Majoraslayer]

How is it that people can still do this after they themselves have been cheated on? The reason I took my ex back a year ago is because the guy she supposedly fell in love with cheated on her. You know, one would think she might learn from that, but I guess she's just a stupid * * * * *. I hate her, and I can't find myself letting go of that hate.

[puppeteer]

hey major and old...

 

i too..am right in the beginnings of the anger stage. my wife is now in a relationship with the other man....oh man....do i ever wanna break things.

 

however, i have to admit...i'm happy i'm angry. i have never been able to express anger in a healthy or constructive way. my family background is irish alcoholic, so anger was considered a dangerous emotion, and thus i learned to stuff my anger down, never expressing it.

 

well...if i have to thank my wife (soon to be ex) for one thing, it's allowing me to open a door to my anger.

 

and it is just that...anger.

 

 

it's great to express anger...i feel wonderful being openly angry about all of the crap she is putting me, my family, my friends, her family and her friends through! it's empowering to feel this anger...and i am glad i can own it.

 

rage is the one you need to look out for. where anger is a bonfire, rage is a contagion. rage will consume everything in it's path. anger will give you light and warmth to protect you. it will give you strength to move on.

 

rage will destroy you.

 

while i agree with everything you guys are saying, i just thought a little distinction might be good.

 

be with the anger...enjoy it. it's your soul saying "NO" to how you have been treated and that is a powerful thing!

 

 

anywho...i still wanna break things...

[Oldboy]

Hey puppeteer you're right. Anger can help you do things... give you strength to build until you are calmer but rage will tear that all down again. You can be cold and calculating with anger... more stable.

I think anger means you want revenge but I think the best revenge.. and I've heard this said before... is just getting on with your life and being the best you can. If anger lets you do that then so be it. But you've got to know that sometime down the line you gotta let it go... turn it into indifference.

Think of all the ter girlfriends you had before... where the hell are they?

Total indifference... Can't even remember some of their names.

[Royltnxile]

You sound like my ex, the ex, the one who brought me to these boards so long ago, yet still feels like only the other day! I can relate to your feelings because my ex g/f suffers from this same form of intimacy fears and commitment phobia. She also has anxiety, depression, and low self esteem. She let me in too close, was way into me, then panicked, sabotaged the relationship, and ran. It was all due to her insecurities and inability to deal with a relationship. Here is what she told me verbatim after we had dated a couple of months. She told this to me the first night we had sex, as we were having the "relationship talk". We had been dating for about 6 weeks and were calling each other g/f and b/f. Here's what she told me:

"J, I am so scared, I like you so much, and I don't want to mess this up. I've screwed up every relationship I've ever been in, never been faithful to anyone I"ve been with, have a wandering eye, commitment issues...and a huge jealous streak...so that's why I'm scared, I dont' want to mess this up

 

Impressive huh? I didn't know how to take that so I naievely just assumed that things would work out because I was a bigger man than her issues, and that she just had never had as great a guy as me in her life! Boy, was I wrong. Things went well for a few months, then BAM! Dumped over the phone, on Valentines Day! Emotional Pearl Harbor for me! For her? - another guy she really liked and let too close. Another promising relationship with a decent guy sabotaged. That's her pattern, and until she does something to fix these issues with herself, then she's going to continue to sabotage relationships while hurting people in the future.

 

Anyway, things you said in your post reminded me of her, and how I surmise she thinks. It's called "fear of intimacy", and it's a serious problem. You are accurate. People with commitment issues often times use infidelity as a means to insert distance into the relationship, and they use it to justify to themselves that they "really aren't as committed as they feel" towards their partner. Cheating is often times used as a method to sabotage relationships, and person's with low self esteem will often times cheat because no matter how good a relationship is, or how good a partner they have, one person is never enough for the person with the low self esteem. They need to get that "validation" from other people occasionally. On the same token, vain, arrogant, "narcissistic" types of people will cheat simply because they need the ego boost, and because they can. So the reasons for cheating are many, and I believe the most common reasons people do it isn't for the pleasure of experiencing another, but because there are very deep issues they have with themselves. Most well-adjusted and emotionally healthy persons probably wouldn't cheat. "emotionally whacked" people tend to do it all the time.

[Oldboy]

"emotionally whacked" people tend to do it all the time.

 

Yeah, the problem is they end up even more emotionally whacked after they realise the relationship they dump their previous for is just as unfulfilling or worse than the last.