In love with your abuser

[whatwentwrong19]

Is it normal to have feelings and still be in love with someone that sometimes calls you names, screams at you and hits you or could it possibly be insanity that allows you to still stay with them (I'm a guy by the way)?

[nottoogreen]

Hi whatwentwrong,

 

Welcome to eNotAlone!

 

Yes, it is normal and common. Too many people stay with abusers and are slowly broken. Myself has experience with abusive parents and wife.

 

Your abuser needs help, counseling or therapy and you possibly too.

 

If you like you can tell us more about you how feel as well as more about your abuser.

 

We always will be here for you.

[whatwentwrong19]

Your abuser needs help, counseling or therapy and you possibly too.

 

Unfortunately she sees nothing wrong with her behavior as she mentions how it feels when you're stress and too much is going on. She also says that I should know clear to get out of the way whenever she comes drunk as drunkness also causes you to react wild. That leaves me to take all the blame while she changes the subject when she's calm again.

[nottoogreen]

She behaves like most abusers. She refuses help but You hurt.

 

She should balance herself. Perhaps she has alcohol issues.

 

This can go on for years and decades and often get's worse as victims may get abusive too.

 

Short and simple, she gets help and fixed or you better consider to leave. You deserve better.

[whatwentwrong19]

This can go on for years and decades and often get's worse as victims may get abusive too.

 

It all started in our second year and 4 months into our relationship (now it's been almost 3 1/2 years). So it's now been one year. Now I have scratches almost all over my face due to her long and sharp nails, but I also did get punch and on couple of occasions I receive a black eye. I have never answer back though as I would never do anything to hurt her.

 

Short and simple, she gets help and fixed or you better consider to leave.

 

I did try leaving several times a few months ago but she would come begging and crying to me to come back that it will be different or would say that I won't find another girl that loves me as she does.

[whatwentwrong19]

I read it and sadly she does have almost all of the characteristics in the article. The only difference is that she only acts violent with me and not in front of other people, not even in front of friends and does not apologize anymore like she use to on the first couple of times she hit me, rather she turns nice afterwards.

The more I'm reading the article the more sick I'm starting to feel and the more I'm thinking of ending it for good, not returning.

[nottoogreen]

The more I'm reading the article the more sick I'm starting to feel and the more I'm thinking of ending it for good, not returning.

 

I am very sorry about your feelings now, but I am also happy you came here and see the light! She can't love you!

 

All you can be is a loving healthy partner to your loving healthy partner. You have a future and deserve better!

 

I suggest you:

• Advise her to seek treatment
  
• Split up with her ASAP
  
• Enforce strict NC=No Contact
  
• Post a thread about your breakup in a related forum, you will get lot's of help there!
  

 

Also read the wicked link about balancing yourself!

 

I focus on mental health issues, if you need help about breaking up, or anything, just ask or make a new thread in a related forum.

 

We always will be here for you!

[Aurian]

It is normal to love your abuser. The love doesn't just vanish unfortunately. I just filed for formal separation leading to divorce. He called me names, he threatened to hit me, he ripped up our wedding pictures, waved a knife in my face and threatened to kill me, my family and himself. He blamed me for everything and blamed me for "making" him that mad. And it hurts to go because I still love him.

 

I deserve to be loved better though.

[nottoogreen]

I deserve to be loved better though.

Reading the loser article above may help you understand and ease your pain. Please remember that losers are incapable of love as they do not love themselves!

Yes, you deserve to be loved..

 

Not loving oneself really is the biggest loss in life and it is sad that abusers often destroy ones love of oneself.

[Aurian]

That is a very good article, yes. I added it to my favorites to read if I have a weak moment. The abusers make you think you don't deserve them. However, you need to look at what you're DOING (and not what they say you are doing), and realize, they don't deserve you!

[Fallout]

Hi whatwentwrong, seems to me that she, wether consciously or unconsciously has begun to like controlling you...abuse is all about power, and power is one of the, if not the most powerful driving force of human nature. This sounds like the classic situation repeated milions of times every day of men beating their wives, gfs, only reversed. You have 2 options here :

 

1) Leave her for good, cutting all contact with her and sticking to NC

2) Hit her back! This might sound crazy or mean to you, but perhaps she subconsciously believes she has a right to hit you, and the more you sit there and take it without doing nothing the more she'll think and act that way. She'll probably be so shocked she'll have to sit down and think about things... she can't scream foul either, she definitely deserves it. I don't think she understand what she puts you through and the only way she can is if she's on the other side of the fence...one more thing : if you decide to do this do it right, make sure in the end she feels as rotten as you do...

 

Hope that helps, let us know what's going on.

[Aurian]

2) Hit her back! This might sound crazy or mean to you, but perhaps she subconsciously believes she has a right to hit you, and the more you sit there and take it without doing nothing the more she'll think and act that way. She'll probably be so shocked she'll have to sit down and think about things... she can't scream foul either, she definitely deserves it. I don't think she understand what she puts you through and the only way she can is if she's on the other side of the fence...one more thing : if you decide to do this do it right, make sure in the end she feels as rotten as you do...

 

Hope that helps, let us know what's going on.

 

That is AWFUL advice! You'd be sinking to her level! Plus, if she's evil, she could sue YOU for assault!

 

If you want to try make things work, tell her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is NOT okay. If she tries to hit you, stop her, tell her "STOP IT" and leave the room. If she tells you that you are at fault for something, tell her "You have no right to blame me for your reactions" and leave the room. You are telling her in no uncertain terms that the way she is treating you in unacceptable and removing yourself from an unhealthy situation. If she is a decent person, she will quickly learn that some things are not acceptable to you. If she continues, then she is abusive and will never change.

[DN]

I also do not agree with advice to hit her back. Too many men have gone that route and found themselves criminally charged. It also happens when they simply try to defend themselves or even when they are leaving to escape the abuse.

[nottoogreen]

Fights get only worse. Important is to get out. My 2nd ex was a psychotic loser, she was a bit smaller and lighter then me. I am reasonable fit and several times had trouble subduing her after attacking. Psychotic strength and moment of surprise can be devasting.

 

Our last fight, she broke the bottom of a bear bottle she drank and attacked me with it. I got hold of her hand with the bottle and forced her to the floor - wooden fortunately - her head hit badly, she passed out for less than a minute and then the struggle continued for the better part of half an hour me pinning her to the floor while she struggled screaming and biting. She had a bad concussion, but I was in shock.

 

This was my wakeup call to get away from her. Yeah, it would have been self defense but what a mess.

 

Don't dream about your abuser, read the link removed article and get out!

[Beyondthesea]

I just wanted to mention that I was in an abusive relationship for many years, and can guarantee they will not change. There is something wrong inside of them that cannot be altered, especially considering she doesn't want to and sees nothing wrong with her behaviors.

 

I would start planning to leave. There is nothing you can do. To be honest, you probably don't love her. It is called "stockholm's syndrome." Very sick and twisted, but true.

 

Leaving was the smartest thing I ever did, and I also was promised everything under the sun when I left the first time.