He shouldn't be marrying her, and it's heartbreaking (sorry it's long, pls read!)

[Spacey]

Hi All

 

This is my first post- there are few people I can speak to about this, so I'm hoping some cyberadvice may help.

 

First of all it makes me cringe how cliched this all sounds, but here goes.

 

I have always gotten along really well with my boss- he's pretty close in age to myself, and we always have a laugh. He has been with his girlfriend for a couple of years and proposed marriage at Xmas. She accepted and they are getting married in February next year. Until a couple of weeks ago I was in a 5 year relationship (more of that later).

 

3 months ago we had a staff function, everyone drank a lot, and it ended up being just my boss and myself at the end of the night. I've always had a crush on him, and there was some flirting going on, and we ended up kissing. After that we pursued a few sneaky kisses after work in the car, at lunch time etc. I ended up going to his place when his fiance was away and sleeping with him. He told me his fiance was just not interested in sex (cliched, I know!). Anyway these kind of encounters continued, and I ended it with my boyfriend, knowing I couldn't feel this way about someone else if all was good with my relationship.

 

That was a few weeks ago. My boss was very supportive during my breakup and backed right off, wanting to give me space. In fact he backed off to the point where I wondered if he had just gotten what he wanted and was over it.

 

On Friday night we had another staff function and he and I ended up having a pretty serious discussion about things. He said he loved me, and he had no doubt in his mind that had we met 2 years ago he would have proposed to me and we would be planning our wedding. He said he can't stop thinking about me, so he's been trying to push me away. I asked him if he thinks when he's married does he think a) all these urges just go away and b) he will be able to control them better? He said a) no and b) no. So I asked him if he didn't think his fiance deserved better? Doesn't he think sex is a pretty important part of a relationship?

 

It's so frustrating because he and I could have something amazing, and it's quite clear that he is not in either the right place in his life to get married, or in the right relationship. He is a smart guy and I find it hard to believe he hasn't considered all this. My hands are kind of tied- I don't think he will break off the engagement and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

So I'm at the point now where I don't think I can bear to sit next to him at work every day, knowing that one day he'll show up for work with a ring on his finger. I certainly don't want to be the other woman after he's married.

 

Do you agree that there's really nothing I can do to change this? I'm thinking I need to change jobs to really get over it, as well he's kind of having his cake and eating it too at the moment, so maybe me leaving will make him realise what he wants?

 

I'm lost. And heartbroken. I know it's wrong as he is taken, but I can't help loving him to bits. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

 

Sorry for the long post!

[Beec]

Change jobs ASAP. Get out. Seeing him married to her is not good for you. And you do not want to keep on being his mistress. Get out, especially if you cannot help yourself.

 

Then once you are working elsewhere, no contact. This man does not know how to love. If you love, you do what is best for the other person. He's not doing that for you or his fiance.

[Scotcha]

I don't think he is backing off because of his feelings for you. I think he is backing off because of your new single status. Since you have broken up with your boyfriend you are no longer a "no strings attached" hook-up buddy.

[Afraid]

If he really loves you then he would have called off the engagement with that "Other Woman"! If he hasn't then I believe he is just using for sex! Well if this is not true, well have another long discussion with him and see if you can work it out!

[Rabican]

right... you could have something great with him until he stabbed you in the back the way hes stabbing his fiance in the back now. And dont say he wont, or he wouldnt... he will. Why? Because hes already doing it now... proving he doesnt take his relationship seriously.

 

Lack of sex? Thats something you discuss with your partner and work out... not get elsewhere.

 

Id get a new job if it were me, and tell his fiance she deserves better. But thats your call.

[Oldboy]

Sounds like one last fling before he gets married. Fiance not interested in sex? Why would anyone want to marry someone whose not interested in sex? Are you sure he's not just keeping you along for the ride? So to speak.