i think this is emotional abuse but don't know what to do

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

how can this cycle end? what can be done about emotional abuse brought on by parents? its not right that they treat my gf this way because she has different views. how does holding her back going to help? how does entrapment work? how does keeping her away from friends help anything? whats the point?

[nottoogreen]

We know all that. It's no use if she does not want. You could read the article on stockholm syndrome link removed, it will help you understand her more.

 

I told you from day one about what you are up against. You can win aslong as you win her heart and trust.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

she keeps telling me everyday that she needs to leave i don't get why she doesn't.

[nottoogreen]

She is afraid to lose here family.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

all the things that i find about emotional abuse is mostly partener inflcited. is there any information out there about parents emotionally abusing there kids?

 

my gf had an argument with her mom today. it was about her wanting to do something with her life. Her mom said to her that she had wanted the same things when she was in college but that all changed when she met her dad and she said that the same thing was going to happen to her. her mom said to basically forget it and become a homemaker. her mom said that that is her calling in life. to be a homemaker. she also said that her wanting a career she would be going against what God wants.

 

Her parents also said that she can't see me until her attitude changes. the only attitude is her wanting to do something with her life. They say that she is being greedy wanting to have goals in chances in her life.

 

they tell her that she has to stay at home until she is married. they tell her that she needs at least 10,000 dollars for back up, self defense classes and gun because she will need it in the world. They tell her that her living on her own is impossible.

 

her parents are wrong and full of it. she was out of that house for a year got a taste of the oppurtuntiy in the world and wants more of it. her parents tell her that year corrupted her and her veiws are wrong.

 

what do i tell my gf? she needs help. her parents are wrong and have gone too far. what can be done?

[nottoogreen]

Sorry that you can't see her again.

 

They are talking about self defense classes? Sounds like a good idea. Also good for her mental strength. Martial arts possible? She can get out of the house too and meet people.

 

Tell her "follow your heart, be strong, prepare for you future. Keep your head down and your spirits up and your money in your own bank account"

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

yeah i agree that taking self defense class is a good idea, how ever don't you think they are being a little extreme?

 

they don't let her have friends

they cut her off from anything that will help her

they dont' want her to have a career

they make her feel selfish when she hasn't done anything wrong

they don't want her to progress in life

they mess with her feelings to control her

they say that her wanting a life is greedy

 

what do you think about all this? it almost seems like you side with her parents on this? are they emotionally abusing her? is my gf doing anything wrong here? doesn't she deserve all the things that her parents rob her of for some lame excuse to control? or am i wrong here?

[nottoogreen]

Her dad is a lunatic and her mom is his victim too.

 

Thus I do not side with her parents.

 

I am pragmatic, patient and persistent though.

 

What I want to do is to strengthen her and hope that she will choose to leave asap.

 

They are extreme but the self-defense class is a small window out, thus let her do it. It's safer for every woman too. Let her do gun training if she can. The more she learns the better.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

ok they say that she needs it too live on her own. they didn's say take them. keep in mind that they don't want her to live on her own. they want her to be a homemakker and live at home until she is married.

 

if she takes self defense classes they will be threatened that she will leave them and go off to a courupted world.

 

my gfs mom always tells her that she never left home until she was married. her views changed when she got married. etc, etc...

 

just because it happened with them doesn't mean that is how she is to live.

 

my brother gave her a job offer to nanny his kids for 250 week and free room and board. she does khave a chance, but i don't want to take advantage of my brother though.

[nottoogreen]

Well, the job is a detail and of course studying is important too.

 

All you can do is for her encourage her to leave when she is ready.

 

Do not ask her to leave. Emphasize to her when she is ready. This is to prevent any regrets and shisms which would bring her down.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

yeah but even if she is ready she will still have guilt beacuse her parents make her feel that she doesn't love them if she left. This will happen at anytime.

 

What are the chances that she will pass on the abuse to kids herself?

how can that be prevented?

[nottoogreen]

I suppose her parents would try to choose a husband for her of a similar family background, which likely will treat her worse than her dad treats her mom. Discuss this with her.

 

Once she gets out of there she needs counseling to help recover and build her self esteem.

 

I do not think she will pass the abuse to her kids.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

she has realized that her parents would try and choose a spouse. They have tried with her. Her sister had this guy who was interested in her and she liked the guy her dad was leary about it and the guy had to ask permission as well. Her sister and this guy don't talk anymore.

 

she sees that her dad has controled all these lives. she has seen a lot of light these last few days.

 

It does seem like the parents do want to try and blame me now for everything. what do i do for that?

[nottoogreen]

Her dad will use any trick imaginable and blame haven and hell to keep her under control. Her mom and sis will collaborate with dad out of fear and not the least envy - why should she have it better than they.

 

The best advice you can give her is encourage her to be herself, to learn what she wants, to see and to make her own choices. Be compassionate, patient and persistent.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

I do see where there is a lot of envy going on. my gf was the first one to have a relationship, and her older sister always tried to blow things out of proportion and even trying to get the parents involved. She gets the same job that her sister once had and since they liked my gf they gave her more pay and her sister was mean to her for that. Any accomplishment my gf is given a hard time.

 

My gf took steps to email her pastor. The pastor will meet with her and the family on monday if it is ok for the parents. I don't know how that will go but hopefully it is a step.

[nottoogreen]

OK, the pastor is a good idea, let's see how it goes.

 

Does she have internet access?

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

she has limited internet access. her family has kept the passwords from her. so when she goes on they know she is on. Her brother does know the password and lets her on. she also goes on at his work as well.

 

She told me tonight that she is afraid that the pastor thing is not going to go well and that she is going to be the bad guy in all of this. she is worried that the pastor will side with her parents. She is pretty worried about it now. what do you think?

[nottoogreen]

Seems her brother is the most helpful?

 

She always will be the bad guy. I wish that the pastor can give her strenght and am hopful the he will not side openly with a lunatic.

 

Explain to her she can't expect much.

 

Please read you PM's.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

what do i do if he does side with the lunetic?