i think this is emotional abuse but don't know what to do

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

my gf and i met at the same college last school year and we've been going on since. shes great and wonderful. I think her parents emotionally abuse her. She doesn't have a car or a way to travel and for her to go to college is about a 500 mile drive. They didn't want to make the trip so i offered. she wants to go to this college really badly, and they refuse to support her because she only agreed one year and that was it no more.

 

she was home schooled by her family. they feel that her going will "corrupt" her. this college is a christian college btw.

 

she brought it up to her dad the first time he laughed at her and said that he wants to go to hawaii but that isn't going to happen and hung up the phone.

 

now she tells them that she wants to go back and he responds by saying "If you leave don't ever come back her again" he threatens to disown her. that means she couldn't even visit for the holidays

 

 

he says stuff well if you want to leave so bad then hurry up and do it now since thats what you want."just take all your stuff cause what is left gets trashed"

 

he wont support her choice to go. he also has said "so when are you going to call your bf to tell him the good news.....that you aren't going"

 

he wants her to stay at home and take a couple of years of to "help her mom cook and clean around the house." he basically wants her to stay at home until she is married and then go on from there. he believes that women should stay in the home

 

i want to go down and get her but apparently he made a phone call to the school and i have no idea what happened as a result,

 

her mom has supported her dad by saying if you go you will lose a father.

 

he apparently tried to call me but i was unable to answer.

 

i dont know what to do about this situation....she has a right to have a life that is not controlled. but if i get her she looses her dad. what should i do. the only way for her to do what she wants is me driving to down to get her and then take her up provided that her dad didn't have her unenrolled. what can i do to get her out of here

[lilgothicdevil5533]

wow...i wish i could offer some advice to u on how to help but my mind is running a blank on this one....have u tried talking to her about if her dad is worth throwing away education?

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

First you say you met her at college, then you say her parents won't let her go to college, then you say her parents want her to go to college, but she refuses to go for more than one year....

 

I'm just confused. I'm not offering advice uninformed.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

it was either miss read or miss typed. i tried to say that her parents refuse to support. she wants to go more than anything in the world.

 

this IS what she wants

 

isn't the question more like do want to live the life your dad wants for you or the life that you want to be happy?

[lilgothicdevil5533]

i think what he was typing was that the agreement was for her to go to college for ONE year and thats it..and thats when they met...but now...the SECOND year...they wont support her...and i think u miss read about the part where they want her to go to college but she doesnt want to go

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

SHE DOES WANT TO GO!!!!

 

what about the things he says is it emotional abuse?

[lilgothicdevil5533]

I kno she wants to go! i was saying that she was miss reading...but yeah i think its emotional abuse

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

if you were in my shoes what you do

[nottoogreen]

One year college is no use. What for?

 

It's abuse by overcontrolling parents who may well be religious lunatics.

 

IMHO she should move out and follow her dream ASAP - when finances allow. Be positive, love, respect and care her.

 

She should keep it cool at home. No need to argue with lunatics.

 

She could sign up here too.

[romantic sweetheart]

It sounds like your girlfriend's family environment is very rigid, manipulative and unsupportive. If you can, please encourage her to do what she dreams, because she will not get this support from her family.

 

A few years ago, at the age of 27, I decided I wanted to move accross the US and start a new life. At the time, I felt like I needed to get away from my family due to emotional difficulties, control issues, lack of support, etc. Well, I had all my boxes packed, a mover I was going to hire, and had even taken a train from California to Maine in order to look for a place to live. A friend of mine from Maine was planning on helping me get started out there.

 

Two weeks before I was going to move, my mom called my friend and convinced him to refuse to help me. She then called me every day and told me she would disown me if I moved out there. Throughout my life, if I had the wrong hair color, if I had the wrong political view, the wrong food, etc., I was threatened this way, attacked mentally, and most of all, denied support and love until I changed.

 

In these kind of family situations, there is no real intimacy, only a series of conflicts and retreats, where the controlling person must be appeased by the controlled person's silence, abandonment of plans, etc.

 

In the end, I have had to distance myself from my mom, as much as I love her, for my own sanity and survival. I have had to rely on friends who can support me and give me the encouragement I need.

 

I support your decision to help your girlfriend, and I hope you can encourage her to go to college, and to reamin strong, ignoring the empty and useless threats of a family who sadly does not really know how to love their own daughter. Chances are, her parents, like my om, were raised by controlling people who treated them the same. It's a vicious cycle, and once caught inside, it takes years to recover.

 

Plagued by self-doubt and self-hatred, anxiety and depression, I have made a vow to myself that if I ever have children, I will not continue on this cycle of emotional pain.

 

If you can be strong for your girlfriend, now is the time. I will tell you that I had one good friend who helped me through a traumatic experience last year, and if it weren't for him, I don't know if I would be alive today. When I turned to my mom for help, she told behaved as this girl's parents are behaving toward her.

 

Please know that right now, you really may be the only one who can give her the unconditional love and support she desperately needs. I know this is a lot to put on your shoulders, but you sound like a very concerned and caring person, and I know you will be there to assist your girlfriend in acheiving her dreams.

 

Please do not let her believe the things her parents are apt to say to her when she decides to make this important life change.

 

It has take me my whole life to believe I am a good person, and I still struggle tremendously to this day. Sometimes a good friend, a loving boyfriend, is all that it takes to keep a person hopeful and strong in the face of emotional abuse.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

its tough that this is her own family thats doing this.

 

i have told her that i will support anything she does as long it isn't illegal.

 

i don't think her mom was raised by anyone controlling, i think her mom is controlled to and is in denial about it. i've met her her mom's mom and her moms side of the family and when she was with them her mom was a totally different person than she is at home.

her dad on the other i think was posibally raised by a control freak. i don't know for sure. her dad's dad died while her dad was in college. i don't know if that has anything to do with it or what.

my gf's sister believes that she has to stay home until she is married. they let the sister get a two year degree at the same college but won't let my gf for some reason. they did say that they didn't trust her and the year agrement thing was the last year that her sister would be there before she got a two year degree. in otherwards old sister isn't there to look after.

 

its tough cause she don't ahve much money and don't have a car. i would have to help her with money. i feel like i am tearing a family apart but i keep telling myself its for a good cause. its tough. i want to get a long with her family incase i marry her. its is going to tear her up that her husband can't be in the same room with her father.

 

she always puts the blame on herself or me. i keep telling her we can't its not our fault it is her parents. if they disown their daughter that shows what kind of people they really are. When she does this she don't loose a dad, her dad looses a daughter and that is because it is what he chooses.

 

it does feel like i would be doing something wrong though, but what, help someone who needs help.

 

 

how can get her out of that house if her dad don't want me around?

[lilac_indi]

that is signs of emotional abuse. they are emotionally blackmailling her and i honestly believe that if they are really that manipulating then she needs to get out of there. i know that this type of stress will cause her health to deteriorate as well.

 

can you help her get a job?? will her parents allow that? maybe this way she will be able to gain some sort of financial security for herself and allow her to become independent - maybe then she can move out and get a place of her own....

[nottoogreen]

It's a tough situation. Step back a minute.

 

She is a long-term emotional abuse victim. Teens onwards, abuse victims easy-attach in the hope of receiving love. Abuse victims are also less stable with more emotional up and downs. Abuse victims also have trust issues and often accuse those who love and care about them. Me thinks you gf shows most these attributes. She is not healthy. Not a big deal and fixable but the shism at home will break her day by day unless she accepts her situation. To be healthy/with you, she would have to get out of there and receive counseling/therapy.

 

Please be careful, all you can be is a loving healthy partner to your loving healthy partner. No more, do not be her rescuer, or you will regret it.

 

BTW, I speak with hindsight.

 

Keep on thinking and talking here how you can be together and work for a solution. Keep in mind that she must be healthy too. For more stuff: Wicked

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

what do you mean do not "rescue" her? are you telling me not to go down and get her? what are you saying? she wants to do this and she needs help to do so. i'm the only one who will support her with this. no one else her whole imediate family is against her with this.

 

she does have a job. she has been working her butt off in order to go back. she would need a job when she came up here with me, and the area where i am at jobs are easy to find and most start at 7.50 an hour. where she lives she is lucky to get a job for 6.00

 

please elaberate on the rescue thing? are you saying don't go down there and help her

[nottoogreen]

100s of people here could tell you to race to pick her up.

 

Good advice consists of more than just telling you what you want to hear.

 

Thus I gave you some impressions on the other side of her story. There is more to her than you realize.

 

What I mean by rescuing: You pick her up and she stays with you right away and/or has no work. Please do not do that.

 

Her leaving family makes sense as I stated in my post #9. Her family will come around and if not never mind.

 

Please consider to find a place for her to live nearby you, pick her up and help her find a job. She needs a job!

 

You have also to see if she requires counseling/treatment, it may be necessary if she behaves abusive again like you mentioned in your OP.

 

Once your relationship has strengthened and you know her more see what to do next.

 

Also do not spend too much money on her. Again, important is she has a job.

 

Once you settle down, see if she can go to college, it's important for future employability.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

after months of telling me that this is what she wants to do. she told me today that this isn't worth losing family for. she doesn't want to go now because she is afraid of loosing her family.

 

they have used her feelings to maniuplate her now. there isn't anything i can do now.

 

apparently her and her dad agreed to wait a year then do it. he said that he doesn't want it to happen but he will at least support her then. what difference does a year make anyway

also her dad wants me to ask permission to date her. what do i make of that?

[nottoogreen]

I am happy I explained the complexeties yesterday.

 

You could try to talk to her dad. And ask permission - call it an experiment if it makes you feel better to ask him.

 

Perhaps he is happier, if he feels like having more control.

 

How to handle all this LDR I don't know.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

yeah but i dont want him to try and control something that he doesn't have control over. if i take into his needs and feed his control the situation will only get worse

[lilac_indi]

do you have your own place or are you living with your parents? maybe your gf can move in with you if you have your own wee place if things are that bad with her and her folks

[nottoogreen]

yeah but i dont want him to try and control something that he doesn't have control over. if i take into his needs and feed his control the situation will only get worse

If you can't compromise and she can't leave a rational answer is to write her off. If she does not want to change, leave her. You would only get hurt! Lastly, you could get her to sign her up here and we work on her?

do you have your own place or are you living with your parents? maybe your gf can move in with you if you have your own wee place if things are that bad with her and her folks

Rescuing is a bad idea and she does not want to move now anyway. As expected, she is not very stable and determined.

[mylifeisasoapoprea]

i don't know how to get her on here. she probally would be mad if she found out that i posted stuff.

[nottoogreen]

i don't know how to get her on here. she probally would be mad if she found out that i posted stuff.

You need more confidence into each other for sure! You got to get into her head and understand her (and she into yours) or at least either of you will get hurt.

 

Lilac_indi is a young woman of Indian descent who experiences the other side of the story: Feel a bit low, Arranged marriages - what do you guys think of it??.

 

Please understand the whole story!

[lilac_indi]

hey...i just read wot nottoogreen said! i understand that you are concerned about your gf. her situation is sorta like mine but the reasons for that are different - mine are cultural.

 

you have to understand that although she is going through some stuff with her family that it is easy to tell her to move out or whatever but in reality it will be much harder. i have been following this and you said that your gf doesnt want to move out. is that right? if that is the case then dont put pressure on her. my ex was constantly concerned about me and he felt helpless as to what he could do for me but truth was there wasnt anything he could do.

 

just be there for her emotionally...you need to try and see things from her perspective. i can relate to your gf completely and it aint easy to go against your family like that - especially if they have pretty much controlled every aspect of your life. try and get her to come on here if you can and get her to have a chat with me.

[nottoogreen]

Booze is Booze whether you call it whiskey, cognac, mautei, schnaps, lau kow, soju or whatever.

 

Abuse is abuse, whether by war, culture, religion, dictator, peer pressure, parent, lover, friend or common criminal.

 

Sensible people who care will guide their dependents to find their path.

 

Living ruled by a dictator can be a chosen path. No problem.

 

Whether to fight abuse is ones choice too.

 

Fighting oneself is a very bad idea though.

[SarahRose]

I assume she is of 18 and is an adult and is able to leave.

 

I agree with the not rescuing her. It puts her in the role of child and you in the parent role. It is not healthy as she will never learn how to make it on her own and will just drift from one man to the next to take care of her.

 

If she applies to colleges, she can apply for financial aid too. Would she be wanting to move to where you are if you weren't involved?

 

She needs to save her money from her job and make a plan. It may take some months but she put up with her parents all her life, a few months will make no different.

 

She can use a roommate matching service to find a suitable female roommate and it is much cheaper than getting your own place plus it will help her to learn to live on her own.