How to get over what one was a perfect relationship?

[rookie]

This girl broke up with me, and I just can't move on. I still think about her, any reminder of her hurts. Any indication that she might be with someone else hurts (although I know she has every right to be with someone else.) I even dream about her, or about us almost every night. I get urges to go see her and try to make things work out… urges to call her, or have some contact what so ever. So far I resisted those. It even hurts me to think that she's ok and living her life (which is so very wrong) …it just makes me feel like nothing when I think of losing her and hurting so much, and her losing me and moving right along. Although on the other hand I'm glad she's not going through something like this.

 

Question is… how do I get over this? How do I move on? It's time for me to move on. I've been heartbroken before and I know that one can get over it eventually. HOWEVER, this time it seems hopeless. I just don't want to become one of those guys who are still stuck on a relationship that was over months and months ago or even years. Help me help myself.

[Beec]

No much else besides: time; being, keeping busy; throwing yourself into new things to occupy your mind; and, eventually, finding someone else.

 

So, keeping yourself busy seems the best option, to me.

 

And if you do feel like you do now, say nothing about it to your friends, etc. If you don't talk about it to them, that seems to help.

[guy0221]

I am in the same place as you man.

 

It's been 2 weeks now and the only time I feel ok is when I am with my friends or family. I have the same dreams...dreams that she has come back to me. Nothing hurts more than waking up and facing reality. I can't do it yet either.

[Dako]

Even a perfect relationship ends.

Be thankful for what you had and don't lose heart in finding future joy.

It may even be finer and richer than the last one.

[chai714]

The only known recipe for overcoming heartbreak is the passage of time and keeping yourself busy. The combination of these two allow you to heal while moving forward.

 

You might consider keeping a journal to get all thoughts of her on paper/computer so you can "get her out of your system." I did this for a while and it helped. Also, keeping my butt busy by working out, volunteering, hanging with friends, and being in school helped.

[confused25]

I was very lucky to have a group of very caring and supportive friends that were there for me when my bf and I first broke up. Being around them made me take my mind off the relationship. But like everyone else said, keep yourself busy, go out and hang out with your friends and have fun,

[rookie]

Thanks so much for your input…but sadly not much of it is new. Here are some quick responses to the remedies you sent me.

 

Friends

Yep, hanging out with my pals is about the only time I can forget about things. However, even tho I could use it I do not ask them to be there for me more than usually. In other words… I don’t want to turn into some attention * * * * *. I just hang out with them on regular basis. I could use some more time with them now… but everyone has their own lives to live… I try not to bug them.

 

Talking

No, I usually don’t talk to people about my heart problems. 1. Because I feel weak and pathetic when I do… like its nice to talk to someone but I know when it’s all done I’ll feel stupid about it. I don’t like venting to friends. 2. A lot of my friends know my ex, so them being her friends as well I feel it might be awkward for them to hear that she hurt me so much. I mean she did… but it’s not like she’s a bad person, maybe just a confused one. That is why I use this forum… it lets me vent, and I don’t have to worry, afterall you all do not have to read this if you don’t want to. 3. I feel like people do not understand, they give me very logical answers like “if she left you why do you love her” …well logic might be “someone hurt you = someone bad = someone you definitely do NOT love.” My heart is not my brain… and people who do not have problems of this sort tend to forget that.

 

Time and keeping busy

Yes, I know… let the time pass, keep yourself busy. But that’s just it, I’ve been doing this for a long while. Months passed and I still feel as depressed, hurt, and lonely, as I did on the day she broke up with me. Still miss her, still need her.

 

I figured even if it would take me a long time, at least I would be BETTER after a few months, but so far there has been little or no change in how i feel about life in general. I just feel like a whole chunk of me is missing, life just isn't complete.

 

What I’m trying to find is a way to move on, and move on now, because I don’t know how much more I can take of this. I really need to get on with my life. My brain has been telling me this for a while now, but my heart just refuses to follow. Recently I’ve been thinking if dating would be a good solution. Nothing serious, but like some casual dates with girls not even bf/gf stuff yet - just dating. But it just seems wrong to be with someone when there is still someone else in your heart, even if both parties know it is not supposed to be serious. what should I do?

[Momene]

Your last post is quite sensible and you should listen to yourself. Most of us on here are pretty "normal" except that we like to talk about things and find it easier to do it here. Most people in "real life" aren't sympathetic, as I found out the hard way. Also most of them know both of you, so have some bias but will try to avoid "taking sides".

 

Some time after a split (can be 10, 20 or more years) you realise that what seemed like a perfect relationship wasn't so perfect after all. You also realise that being alone, at least for a while, isn't such a bad thing after all.

[finewhine]

I don't think you should date! Why date if you don't want to date? Have you been on a vacation? A month after my breakup, which was a hideous breakup, I went on vacation and it helped me feel better for a while. It was enough to break the spell of horrible sadness, and I've felt a little better ever since. It might be just the trick to get you out of the initial sadness!

 

Hey, I've noticed you posted this a few days ago. Feeling any better?

[boybornbad]

Hey there

Sorry about what happened to you. Like most of the others who posted here I went through the most horrendous breakup 10 years ago. I pined for months. I felt everything you feel now and completely understand what you are saying. Don't feel like a loser or sad and pathetic because you have these feelings and are talking about them. There are no rules in this game and no magic wand. There are also no time limits to how long you will feel this way.

 

Like grief, being dumped is intensely personal and as individual as your relationship was. Be gentle with yourself. Just because you weren't right for her doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. There's someone out there for you who's world you will rock. Its ok to hurt and still miss her even if its months. You have been badly hurt and this will take some time to get over. believe me you will smile again and this will be history sooner than you think. I didn't think I would but I have. I still have the scar but I was pretty much ok after about a year or so. You have learned a lot about women and about youself from this, which will help you in future relationships. I never saw her again which helped immensly but hurt like crazy. I did date again within a few months and a couple of unplanned casual flings helped my confidence and self esteem immensely. I would highly recommend it..just don't talk about your ex!!! I didn't use anybody it was just fun for all concerned, but helped to make me feel like I counted again and had a lot to offer. You have to be strong where your feelings are concerned and try not to stew over what happened. Distraction and time is the key. I would lose anything that directly reminds you of her..photos, gifts. Don't listen to 'that' song etc. But don't throw out your couch lol ...its expensive..

 

Your heart is not your brain. The "how can you love her when she hurt you" argument is bollocks and whoever sayes this has never been dumped. You are right. This isn't logic its love. I think you're doing the right things already.. just don't keep thinking "God its been 6 months why am I not over this". You will find you start to think about it less and less and dating a girl with a cute smile who laughs at your jokes is a great remedy for the pain you're in. It will also have the pleasant side effect of letting your ex know that you're doing great without her. This will p1ss her off.

Believe me when I tell you that she was not the one for you. Try to have fun as much as you can. You will get through this. Life insists on it.

 

Take care and keep your head up. BBB

[Aurian]

You should heal a bit first before looking for a date. If you're still hurting, you could end up with a rebound relationship. Sometimes they seem to work out okay, but other times a person wants so badly not to be alone, they cling to a person that is bad for them.

 

Best to heal yourself first, and not look when you're still bleeding.

[Momene]

Somtimes the rebound relationship helps but be careful about expecting the rebound relation ship to last. They rarely do.

[Beec]

Somtimes the rebound relationship helps but be careful about expecting the rebound relation ship to last. They rarely do.

 

That's for sure. Which is why maybe you should look to go out with someone that you know is not a long term prospect, be honest about it or at least not deceive them and just have fun.

[Momene]

Now you've just given me an idea! Why don't people pair up with others who have just split, so they can both get the rebound fling out of the way?

 

Maybe I can start a website!!??