Destroying My Own Relationship

[tainted]

First of all, i am really not sure i should be putting this, in this catagory. The only true reason i picked this one. Is because I am a lesbian, and this is about me and my girlfriend..

 

On to the problem..

 

I have wrote here before.. about meeting someone from the internet and all the scared stuff. Well things have actually been great.. except for the fact of the distance. She lives in So. Cali. I live in Houston, TX.

 

we've been together for a year. She's been here to texas once, ive been to california twice.

 

I just got back from california a few weeks ago. The trip..had really not been the best. On the most count because of me. I have been worried about my job situation, and come to find out the day after i got there.. I was perm. Layed off.. Another thing.. i want to move out to california.. and i am bothered by the fact that she really can't help me. She's still way in over her head with debt. Due to health, and Ex Girlfriend reasons. She lives at home.. and 35. Im going to turn 23 this year. Im ready for the little house and the white picket fence..and i feel its not coming soon enough. Im more then ready to be settled down. Have been wanting to for as long as i can remember. Before her i was in a bad 4 year relationship where i was abused mentally, and on a few occasions physically, she cheat lied etc.

 

I should really get to the point of this before it comes a novel..but my issue is.. Im jobless, i feel like a failure, things arent coming along as i want them. When i am working, i feel i am striving for the day i move to california to be with the love of my life. Well im stuck in that rut...and im angry.. me and her fight.. constantly.. mainly about i dont feel she cares about my feelings i get uptight and feel like she's constantly telling me im stupid for things i feel.

unfortunately i need a shoulder to cry and she's not here. I really rely on her for being my bestfriend, my girlfriend and my rock. And the distance is making it hard.

 

I lash out at her a lot..for my own unhappiness. I'm in desperate needs of other outlets for things before i ruin my relationship, because the fights are to the point where we both know we love each other but the fights lead to mutual hurting, im at my witts end.

 

I love her a lot and really would like inputs from an outsider..or maybe someone who's been in similar shoes. Im always open to suggestions. And i could use a handful right about now.

 

Thanks!

[SaraJane]

Perhaps you should give her this message, tell her what you just told us... it could make a world of difference.

 

You may try to get the point accross to her, and go about it the wrong way so that the communication doesnt get the result that you would hope for. Causing reactions that cause reactions that cause pain... I cant imagine that if she read this word for word that it wouldnt make her understand and appreciate what you're going through, and try to help make it better.

[nottoogreen]

Hi tainted,

 

One of the lessons I learned on eNotAlone is: One must be a loving healthy partner to ones loving healthy partner.

 

You have many issues in your life and "escape" into a relationship with a stable person. However she may well not be what you want and by your OP you do not want to enter into relationships while being abusive.

 

You would do best to seek counselling to deal with your past abuse. You can also talk here.

 

Meanwhile some tips: What is depression? Depression is a mental pain caused by an imbalance between expectations and ability. To make the pain go away, one has to improve ones ability (do better) and/or change ones expectations. In other words, to avoid depression, one ought to balance ability and expectations. Balance is it, as so often in life. From: Wicked

 

Keeping this in mind, please post your unmet/broken expectations and we see how we can resolve the imbalance.

[UT]

Yes, one idea would be to tell peole here. No matter where on this forum you post there are people who will understand and try to help. Another way would be to talk to people, friends, about your problems. make them understand and maybe actually have a sholder to cry on.

 

I would also suggest that you weither in a conversation or e-mail, tell her what you feel. Tell her everything you've told us. Make her understand but try to be calm at the same time. Don't jump when writing to different events. It's important that you remain open and honest with each other especially since you're in a LDR (Long Distance Relationship). I'm also in one and we have the same problems, in a way. We just don't fight. We are completely honest. I've told him that if he ever feels hurt or wrongly treated I want him to tell me and he has said the same and we do everything we can to be happy, and I am when talking to him.

 

there are mainly two reasons that can end a relationship that goes well. Well, the two main reasons are Lack or sex, it's vital for the relationship and it's money problems. If you're always worrying about money, it's hard to be happy.

 

I hope you the best of luck and you're very welcome back whenever you feel the need. we're here for you. Remember, you are not alone.

[tainted]

"One must be a loving healthy partner to ones loving healthy partner"

 

I agree with the above, i believe i am half. I am very loving, and i know she never would dispute that, but my lately turn of unhealthy anger has made me a bad girlfriend.

 

If it were feasible for me to get proffessional counselling, i would have already entered it. (due to my last relationship)

 

My biggest problem is that when i try to talk about things that are of a sensitive nature, money problems, or things i feel like she's doing wrong. It always seems to come out hurtful, or she says i am trying to attack her as a person. Which i in return feel helpless about, because that isnt my intent.

 

Right now i am strugggly a lot with my own issues, and issues in her life that i feel will be/and or are a problem in our relationship.

 

My problems are, and i stated is my job situation. Right now Im a sitting duck, all my plans hopes and dreams are on the back burner. Im struggling with that the most.

 

The things with her is i feel she isnt helping our mutual goal of being together permenatly instead of flying out as much as possible back and forth. She's got a HUGE debt due to her ex girlfriend. In which she may be paying for money wise, i feel our relationship is paying for it in the long run. When i mention her debt about her ex, she thinks i only do it to downsize her by reminding her more of then she already does when she gets the monthly bills. Im not! im just trying to express my feelings.

 

Im always open and wanting to talk and share things, but it seems when it comes to things she's doing wrong, or..things that she's dealing with that i think are affecting our relationship she is more then not wanting to hear them. But if it comes to things she feels i need to fix or change..she steadily dishing it out, and if i point even that fact out to her.. she gets angry.

 

She has said that i make her feel like failure in life. I really don't see it that way. If she only knew she is my biggest inspiration inlife to better myself, and strive for the goals of wanting to spend the rest of my life with her. When we are physically together, things are perfect. Granted this last time was pretty rough due to my own stress of having to come back home and feel like i have to start all over again.

 

I love her..thats simply all i can really say. And im willing to work harder then anything, because she is the greatest thing in my life, i just wish she could see, that everything that i am angry about or depressed about is only because i feel helpless in not accomplishing my goals or atleast working on them right now. Having a job would ease a lot of my stress, and atleast mentally i would be moving forward.. i know this i a phase i am going through right now.. just i hope after its all said and done..she's still by myside... And i hope that i can find some strength in not always seeing the glass half empty, and just take one day at time.. even though im so ready for my life to begin with her.

 

• Employment - This in itself is my biggest draw back. Getting this one accomplished sets me off on the path to conquer all the other goals needing the income of this.

1. With Employment the jobs i am seeking are transferable out to california.
   
2. Income to Finish my Education to move up the Job ladder
   
3. I already opened a separate bank account for Saving for my move to help put for deposit on a new place, and moving exspenses.

• Moving to California- This is my ultimate goal.

When i am striving on accomplishing things, im a happier better person. Goals keep me focused. Right now not being able to focus on anything except the negative on what each day of not accomplishing these things and how bad they are setting me back.

 

My goals are all realistic, i know i CAN accomplish them but i am so ready to get started. Patience is a big draw back. I have little of it. I like being Driven to Succeed.

 

(Sorry for the overly post i got a little carried away)

[nottoogreen]

It's a good post.

 

You are not a failure but have to watch you back and not over-depend on her.

 

You have a good plan, it would be good you get a job first, get over the abuse next (which you not say anything about).

 

She is much older than you and she thinks differently. Why she likes you?

 

Patience is hard, but impatience results in painful decisions.

[talo]

My biggest problem is that when i try to talk about things that are of a sensitive nature, money problems, or things i feel like she's doing wrong. It always seems to come out hurtful, or she says i am trying to attack her as a person. Which i in return feel helpless about, because that isnt my intent.

What is your intent? For her to fix something, or for you to fix something? Is this being loving?

[tainted]

What is your intent? For her to fix something, or for you to fix something? Is this being loving?

 

My intent is to talk about the situation, and to understand and work on it together as a couple. Not to hurt, point fingers. unfortunately sometimes the way i go about things, it comes out hurtful or to blunt. So in the being loving part yes..

 

If i didnt love her i wouldnt want to work things out and talk to her or fix things. I would let them all fall to pieces.