re: my ex bf is in bed sick, and its not because i broke his heart!

[zara]

im sorry this is a little long!!! trying to explain the prob in full, maybe someone can help..

ok- so here goes:

im in love with my ex boyfriend. i know its a common problem and i know this sounds so cliche, but i do feel some seriously strong emotions for this boy. we had a long distance relationship since february with me lving in europe and him in the states. i was introduced to him through a friend, and immediately we both knew that there was something really special with us, a feeling of serious contentment. but then, as with many relationships, the cracks began to appear. he is incredibly stubborn, pigheaded at times, mean even. he has said many a harsh thing, in the name of "honesty". his sister is my good friend, and she told me he has been an " * * * hole" for the past ten years since college. but with me he is always a mixture, sometimes loving and protective, sometimes v abrasive as he can be with other people. he had a very hard childhood. he is not just tough on other people, he is very tough on himself too. i am pretty assertive so when he gets mean, i fight back. hence- the cause of our problems.

 

while we were together we fought a LOT. a month ago we broke up. we were both having doubts. him because we fight so much. i disappeared for a week without calling to have some space, i was that upset. i had come to visit him for a week in his town, and he was busy with work, and inattentive, and i noticed he had been texting his ex girlfriend and calling her. i figured this out because he gave me his cell phone to use, and i had to look in the call history to locate his office number. when i realised what was happening i was gobsmacked. that is when the relationship really started to deteriorate fast and i took space. after that things have been odd. i have been in a relationship that didnt work before (havent we all!) and i realised that when something is over, its better to leave graciously, not bitterly, and if possible, quickly. so right away i adopted a no contact policy with him. he didnt try to call me or email me, as he has done in the past when we had a major fight- i assume because of either pride, or indifference, or maybe a mixture. however, the past week or two whenever he sees me online he talks to me. and he gets jealous at the thought of me being with another guy, and speculates so much. i said- i really had a good time in D.C, and he said, why because u found a hot guy there, or many hot guys? randomly suggesting his jealousy. finally the other day i said, well u never even apologised for what u did. and he said- apologised for what? i got soooo mad at this i just signed off. how could he not know all the mean things he said and did to hurt me, when he knows that i am sensitive and always nice to him and deserve better? the next day i was still mad and i wrote him an email. a really angry but very articulate email, blaiming all of our issues on his stubborness and his inability to even accept any blame or own up to his own wrongs- calling and texting his ex messages like "im thinking of u" is wrong. i called him pigheaded. i explained in some detail fights we had, and how its all because of him that they existed. i know it sounds far fetched that the balance of blame could be all his but i really feel this time, that it really is. he was wrong!!! i have felt like * * * * all day today, and he didnt reespond. the problem is that i am frustrated because i really love him. i want him to be open. not so cold with me. i want him to trust me. i want him to care. but i know i cant make him.

 

i didnt want him to be jealous after all this time, i wanted him to tell me he will try harder and that he loves me.

anyways this evening i finally gave in. i emailed him knowing he would get it right away, saying i wanted to talk, wanted to apologise for the way i came accross in my anger in my email. he said dont worry, no need for apologies. but that he couldnt talk, he is really sick. he has been sick all week, but at the thought of him being so sick that he is bed ridden i feel like my heart jump out of my chest. my baaby is sick and i cant even tell him that i love him. i wrote back saying i am worried, and to take care tonight and call me if he wakes up in the night and needs to talk.

 

i am so confused, why do i care so much? if we have been apart for a month, why does it feel like just yesterday we separated? why is the love still so strong? and he said he wants to talk tomorrow abt things then. what should i say, knowing i feel this way? that i know we have problems and that we fight, but that i love him so very much?

 

please help.

[Relationship Coach]

i am so confused, why do i care so much? if we have been apart for a month, why does it feel like just yesterday we separated? why is the love still so strong? and he said he wants to talk tomorrow abt things then. what should i say, knowing i feel this way? that i know we have problems and that we fight, but that i love him so very much?

 

Being apart for only a month is why you still feel the way that you do. This relationship was packed full of mistrust and volatile arguments and is highly toxic. He can't take responsibility for his actions and he seems to have an unhealthy attachment to his ex GF.

 

IMO, you need to realize that he is set in his ways and not going to change. You make too many excuses for his bad behavior and until you stop doing that, you won't accept him for what he really is.

 

RC