Not over her?

[crvers]

I am not over my ex.

 

I have no idea why I still feel this way. It has been 6 months since our breakup and currently 3 months (with one setback moment) of no contact.

 

I am fine. Homelife, worklife, physical activites are all fine. Also been dating, and am now open to the possibility of a new relationship. I am not going to rush, but I am open to it.

 

Yet as time progresses, I still find myself thinking about her. About how she is doing, how her summer is, how her life in general is. I still miss her friendship. 4 (close to 5 if we were still talking) of friendship just thrown away, it feels like such a waste.

 

I miss her.

 

Yet I still can't just call. I just don't know what to do with that.

[lilac_indi]

you aint alone there. i am over my ex now thankfully after 3 months but before that i was a nervous wreck. i found myself only thinking of the good times we had together and i somehow did not see the bad things in our relationship.

 

only when i started looking at the negatives did i start to realise that the break up was the right thing for me. ive said im over my ex but that doesnt mean i will forget him altogether - he was my first. just stick with nc and things will be fine - you said you have the possibility of a new relationship, put your energy into that. you never know where it might go....good luck and all the best

[Psyche06]

Hey there crvers

 

It's good that you just went ahead and said this I think...acknowledging can be a good release. If you have contact then I think it would put you way back again and it sounds like you have done so well. I'm only on day 15 so I'm a little raw to say the least, but I've done this before so I know I will heal eventually...and so will you. Of course you will think about someone who you deeply cared for and were part of your life...but we also polish memories about someone who is absent into an unrealistic ideal...better to focus on the reality of that person's behaviour and their positive or otherwise input into our lives. If we force ourselves to really look at what good it does us to pine away for that shiny ghost then hopefully we will be less inclined to do it over time...but I do understand the sometimes irresistible urge to think about that person...because then you are almost with them in your head, you are perpetuating the connection...but actually none of it is real, it's fantasy and as seductive as that is it will not nurture you or allow you to grow from the loss..because as you interact with that virtual person, you are not interacting with the true reality of who you are and where you are at in your life right now..without them...tough to type for me right now...but I know its the only sane rational route to healing...NC and lots of nurturing...

 

and it doesn't matter that you are 6 months down the line, it's still ok and normal to think of her...we all have seasons and rythms...and this maybe just an echo thats freaked you out for a little while...keep taking good care of yourself..dont chase any shiny ghosts and I'm sure you will be fine.

[crvers]

and it doesn't matter that you are 6 months down the line, it's still ok and normal to think of her...we all have seasons and rythms...and this maybe just an echo thats freaked you out for a little while...keep taking good care of yourself..dont chase any shiny ghosts and I'm sure you will be fine.

 

Thanks Pysche.

 

See I am not really pining over the relationship anymore, or the fact that its over. More or less of the time its just me missing her as a person. As someone who was once important to me.

 

I feel like the NC part has come to a cross-road. I feel that its great for re-evaluating your situation, life, goals, and yourself...but once that is over, once those feelings of despair and abandonment disappear...then what. I wonder this because I no longer feel worthless, or hate myself, or believe I will never meet another living soul. I just want to talk.

 

I just want to sit and have a coup of coffee. Free the air of the past demons. Move on with some satisfaction that a 4 year friendship and a 2 year relationship was all for not. I came away learning some valuable lesson about life, relationships, and myself...but it still feels like a waste when you no longer talk to that person.

 

I am back and forth with my thoughts, comparing the negatives to the positives if I call. It feels like I am letting her off the hook for all the * * * *ty decisions she has made over the course of the breakup if I do call. But at the same time, if I don't then I loose out on the possibility of a renewing what once was a good friendship. I realize that things will never be the same, but I question if I can look past everything.

 

Argh, just talking out loud I guess. I dont quite understand whether continuing NC will be beneficial to myself. Then again....who knows if breaking will either.

[sky58]

Crvers,

Everyone moves at their own pace when moving on. Some people can move on relatively quickly, others it make take up to a year or so to do it. It also depends on how long you guys dated, if the relationship was really serious, etc... Everyone is different and there is nothing wrong with where you are now. You are where you are. Just keep moving, maintain NC because that's the best thing for you, and you'll get there.

[heloladies21]

It honestly took me a year to get over my last serious ex so don't dispair. Your time will come soon enough. In the meantime keep on doing what you're doing, especially with other girls. If you want to improve your skill in this area go to:

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[pacopaco]

hey, it happens. keep doing what you're doing. it's ok, i think to be thinking of her. I still do. it's been 7 months since we broke up, and now 5 weeks of NC. I'm doing better, you'll do better too. it's ok to think, and to feel. let it out. gotta cry? go ahead, you'll feel washed out and cleansed after every time you do, trust me.

[I_Like_Doug]

Dont think its not ok... its normal to still think about ur ex. You had real feelings for her. I did the same, as long as you are not letting it ruin ur work and personal life it is perfectly normal to think. All your great loves will always be on your mind. It just happens, you will always wonder if they are happy... even if you are happy!

[Dako]

10 months here, and it keeps getting better.

[Hunterboyhun2]

two years. woke up this morning after a dream about the ex. sure I'm doing ok. I have a new girlfriend, new job, new apartment, but some ghosts are with you for ever maybe. for some people. I guess we move on but I think everythings still there, somewhere.

 

now it's not the girl i miss, she's since changed a lot, but it's the time... it's who I was, who she was... the feelings, the excitement, the adventures, the moments when you felt the connection with someone else. best time of my life.

 

guess I'm saying it's always different. some people shouldn't be surprised though if they wake up 2 years... 5 years... 20 years down the track and look right at a ghost.

 

luck.

[Dako]

Hunter,

I know what you mean. To me it was also a loss of a big oceanfview home, very close friends and a lifestyle I'll probably never regain.

I live in a box with a mattress, and it'll be a year before I can start over. Whine whine whine....

[crvers]

guess I'm saying it's always different. some people shouldn't be surprised though if they wake up 2 years... 5 years... 20 years down the track and look right at a ghost.

 

 

I am finding it easy to relate to this comment. Thanks Hunterboy. Yesturday was just one of the bad days. One of those speedbumps we all dislike coming accross. Just thoughts and feelings of/for her came flooding back.

 

I am finding I have alot of inner termoil over her birthday. Wondering what the right thing for me to do is...

 

I guess I still don't get the whole love thing and how one day they are in your arms and another they are in someones else. Seems like it all happens in just a blink of an eye.

[kuys]

It's been over 7 months now and things are getting a lot better. I even have a new gf, I guess I was thinking about the "ghost" of the relationship like what was said here...just remembering the moments of how we were, but that's what life is. Nothing lasts forever, we live for the moments, we always remember those types of moments, be thankful for those. Good luck.

[crvers]

Over 8 months now...is it wrong to still have bad days regarding her?...is it wrong to still miss her?

[pablovblack]

Hey man, No theres nothing wrong at all with these little setbacks, I have had one this weekend, the first one in about 3 months, and yeah its thrown me off track because my ex turned up a party for my Dads Girlfriends 40th, the doors came opening again and Im questioning everything...

 

Yeah I still love her, and I just dont know what to do.

 

We have them, its just knowing what to do, unfortunately I dont.

 

Hang in there.

[richard29]

All this is so true, it's been 3 months for me. She drove down my street when i walking to my car. She totally blank me i was gutted. I still love her and the pain just won't go away. How do let go? Only time will tell for me.

[SoontobeRN]

Hey Crvers

YOU AND I ARE ASKING THE SAME QUESTION...With me, I'm in a new relationship and very happy in it! It's still starting but it could turn into something really good...but a few times a day, my ex comes into my mind and I just wonder how he is/if he's seeing anyone...I DO NOT WANT OUR RELATIONSHIP BACK, but I do miss him a lot!!! I still even occasionally get sad over missing him so much, but it's all apart of the road....

 

I think that because I'm starting a new relationship, I keep relating back to my ex because he was my last relationship...so it's one of those things that kind of "comes with the territory"- you have a new partner and all you can relate it to is your ex-so I think that's normal! The bad thing that I am doing is comparing how I felt with my ex to how I feel about my new BF...obviously I had stronger feelings for my ex than I do now, which sometimes makes you wonder if this new relationship is going to be good...but I think that's all normal for you to do!

 

Just because we feel better now and aren't depressed all the time like we used to be, that doesn't mean we're over our ex's...I think that the "acceptance" part of all this is the longest road to walk but it's the easiest with no big emotional hills-get me?

 

SO IN TIME, I think all those questions and wonders about our ex's will go away! Its just being with someone new makes you think and wonder about your ex...

 

THAT'S MY OPINION...I posted a question a while ago asking the exact same thing....

 

STB

[crvers]

Well I posted this on another thread, but since I am getting a response on this one, I'll post the question then here:

 

I wouldn't mind someone shining some light on this for me.

 

How is it an ex can tell you to "suck it up, move on with your life, and find someone - or something - to make your life matter." And then proceed to keep contacting you.

 

I had done NC for over 4 months, then I broke it. It was for a particular reason of items for school she had left on my computer. I couldn't be a complete jerk by deleting them, so I emailed her regarding them. -Fast Forward- she gets them, and then our conversation goes from impersonal to outright crappy. Again that was my fault.

 

A month and a half has passed and she has made 2 (oner being a text, and the other a one line email which was irrelevant) attempts of contact. But they were such pathetic attempts all they did was irritate me. She wants to be friends after all that has happened...I just don't really understand why. She remains 2 degrees separation but then still is the one contacting. Since outside of my bad mistake I have not bothered to. (Plus she got into a relationship 3.5 weeks after our breakup...I am not)

 

Anyone able to shine the light on what a person is thinking with this?

 

SoontobeRN, maybe you could shine some light. I get the speedbumps and they are farther and fewer between. I definitely do better when I know nothing about her life. I figure the next time she introduces herself again, I am just going to let her know that she should stop and that its just a pointless endeavor...Just easier that way.

[heloladies21]

Make sure not to misread why she's contacting you. Most of the time she feels guilty and the "friendship" is like a consolation prize she offers so that she doesn't have to feel the guilt anymore. Other times, it's because they want to keep you in the background as a back up plan in case things don't work out with other guys.

 

Basically it's for selfish reasons and none of it has to do with your own good. That's why it's up to you to stick up for yourself and do what's right for you because she sure won't.

[SoontobeRN]

Hey Crvers....

 

Your ex feels guilty for treating you the way she did-hence why she keeps you attached!! You need to send her an e-mail just saying that she's not helping you by continuing to talk to you...Tell her you need a little time by youself to figure things out and if she doesn't accept that and continues to talk to you, then thats when YOU need to stay strong and enforce your rule of NC! She isn't going to like that, but right now, this is ALL ABOUT YOU!!

 

Your heart won't learn to live without her if she's still in your life...so you need to cut her out of your life until you feel better!

 

I been NC with my ex for over a month now and I feel great! I don't feel that urge to call him, and I'm not depressed anymore, but I still do miss him sometimes! I think that's normal to miss him-I don't think I'll ever forget him, but those little things that remind me of him will start to fade!!

 

SO-NC RIGHT AWAY AND THINGS WILL GET BETTER OK!!! Promise...

[deejay74]

How is it an ex can tell you to "suck it up, move on with your life, and find someone - or something - to make your life matter." And then proceed to keep contacting you.

 

A month and a half has passed and she has made 2 (oner being a text, and the other a one line email which was irrelevant) attempts of contact. But they were such pathetic attempts all they did was irritate me. She wants to be friends after all that has happened...I just don't really understand why. She remains 2 degrees separation but then still is the one contacting. Since outside of my bad mistake I have not bothered to. (Plus she got into a relationship 3.5 weeks after our breakup...I am not)

 

Anyone able to shine the light on what a person is thinking with this?

 

hey crvers!! sorry to hear you're still going through some rough times. it's okay. to be honest, i am still not 100% over my ex either. we went out for only 6 months and here it is, almost 10 months since the break up and i still think about her everyday.

 

anyway, i agree with the others. i think she's contacting you out of guilt and perhaps it may be a power thing too. my ex has always treated me like crap when i've seen her but yet she proceeds to send me a half-a$$ed "happy birthday" text msg on my birthday. gee thanks!

 

you're better off by just ignoring her. don't respond to any more correspondence of hers. it'll probably just keep you from moving on if you do respond.

 

hope this helps.

[crvers]

I have no problems not contacting her. Too much happened in a short time to make our relationship seems very irrelevant. And her denying any want to sit down and just talk...to find out answers about the why's. I confess that I made many mistakes as I have said over and over again on this forum....

 

I have accepted my failures. I have accepted my faults. But I cannot accept this outcome....

 

Maybe if she had waited. Maybe if she had just given it some time before moving on like she did. If I had truly mattered...If I had truly been important to her...I just thought that if someone matters the way I thought we mattered to one another, that you would give it some time....

 

...I guess in all our lives their isn't enough time...we all make mistakes, and we all have to deal with the consequences...but I never had thought that I could've been so easily pushed to the side...

 

Not responding doesn't make me feel any better about this. And responding has the same effect...At the end of the day someone who was once important is no longer that. And the person who I once knew no longer exists...And so with the continuing question: why bother with this endeavor, when neither of you seem interested in it. I know I have lost interest, why hasn't she.

[life_of_ai]

I was with my ex for 3.5 years and broke up over 6 months ago. I know I loved her, I think I still do. Shes with someone else now, she got with him 2 weeks after she broke up with me. Shes always at his place, she wasn't like that with me.

 

I'm doing better though, but I still think about her alot. It would be easier if she was single, but it hurts because I believe she left me for him. I'm a really good guy, I always treated her right, did the right things. But I wonder how she really felt about me. She did love me, but it went away.

 

If we were both 4 years older, the relationship could have become long-term. Thats what she said, even before the whole breakup situation. It sucks knowing that. Everybody says that one day they might think back and wish they never broke up with the person, but I don't know if she'll do this. I want to know that I was a good person.

 

She was lucky in the relationship to have me. I wonder sometimes how her relationship with her new b/f is. I know it does not matter, but maybe she likes him more then she did me. She loved me, and could have I been replaced that quick?

 

I just got done talking to her, I'm writing on here instead of emailing her. I was doing kinda NC. I haven't talked to her in about 2 weeks and she ran into me. I did want to talk to her, but I didn't walk her back to where she was going, which is her b/f's room, she is there all the time. Last time, I took her all the way there, and I fell apart, this time I stayed away.

 

It was nice talking to her, I still had all these emotions go on after I said bye, but it wasn't as bad. I really do miss her, but I don't know if she misses me. I sacrificed so much for her, I moved 1100 miles for her. I still try to think she was meant to bring me here to bring me to that "special" person. I guess I have to wait more.