Severe Damage - Chance for Reconciliation?

[jps]

This one is pretty busy, so please bare with me. I was in a 3-year relationship with a wonderful person ... she couldn't be any more perfect for me. I met her when I was 24, and she was 18. Yes she was young and about to start college, but we really did have a lot in common. However, when we first went on our first date, I wasn't in the place to jump into a serious relationship like she was. I also figured she would break things off with me once she began college ... in New Orleans of all places. She would have the opportunity to meet all kinds of people and I knew she wouldn't want me anymore. However, this did not happen. Also at the time, I was still in a very dark place in my life and leading a very promiscuous life. It was much worse before I met her, but I was having sex with total strangers all the time ... and felt horrible about each encounter. I can't remember half of these girls' names. And, I couldn't help myself either, and hated myself for it. I guess you can say I had an addiction to sex (being serious) and it was taking over my life. Anyhow, within the first 2 weeks of my first date with my true love, I slept with someone, and ultimately cheated on her off and on 3 other times within that first year. And, I never told her at the time. That entire first year, I had figured that she would eventually just break it off with me as mentioned before, but that never happened, and I knew she loved me. The problem was, I knew I was falling hard for her as well. But at the same time, "Oh my Lord" .... what have I done? I have completely ruined and doomed this relationship from the start ... and how can I possibly tell her?

 

Looking at it from a positive standpoint, it really did take someone like her to make me realize who and what I wanted in life. So of course I became completely faithful to her and never had a desire to be with anyone as well. However, I was completely unhappy with myself about what I did and knew that this one come back to haunt me one day. As a result, I had problems with telling her how I felt about certain things and certainly never let her in to my evil past (mainly before I met her). She fell in love with who I really am, and I just couldn't let her in and ultimately think differently of me. Also as a result, I was never as affectionate towards her as I should have been ... little things like holding her at times, kissing her at times, and just holding her hands telling her "I love you". I loved her deeply .. truly ... but hated myself and my past actions so much that I just could not tell her .. especially when she needed to hear it.

 

I knew I wanted to marry this girl though .. and knew she loved me for the long haul as well. She made me want to be a better man, and essentially the man she fell in love with. I knew before I could make that committment, that I would really need to seek counseling about my past and hopefully come to forgive myself for my evil addictions and learn to love myself again so I can have a full happy relationship with my partner. And, also, I knew I would have to face her one day with the truth about the early beginnings of our relationship. Well, I waited to late for that.

 

Pretty much when it came down to it, she wanted to move in this summer before her senior year and I did not allow it and gave her a completely B.S. reason for it ... not the real reason. I told her that my family (Catholic) would really frown down on us if we did that sort of thing before we were actually married. She of course immediately called me out on it saying .. "Well, I'm here every weekend, we have sex, we cook and clean for each other ... what's the difference?" ... and , she was completely right. In my mind, OF COURSE I wanted her to move in. I ultimately wanted to get engaged with her first then have her move in. And additionally, I wanted to seek counseling first to help our relationship get stronger. Anyhow, this was essentially the last straw for her in my mind that sent the relationship down to its doom. She already had her doubts in me from my lack (not total lack) of affection and love towards her. And we never really resolved it.

 

So, a few weeks later, she was at a bridal party, got drunk and slept with one of the groomsmen. I went to the wedding the very next day to see her and the entire wedding party knew but didn't tell me anything. She didn't tell me after the fact either. She then went on a 2.5 week trip out of the country with her family as a gift from another wealthy family. Well, the wealthy family's 35-year old son went along basically as a tour-guide to show them all the sites and of the culture. Well, she ended up having feelings for this guy on the trip, and ultimately slept with him as well. Well ... she finally broke this knews to me 2 weeks ago ( a week after they returned) and naturally I have been a complete mess. What she did was wrong, but when it comes down to it, I drove her to it. I doomed the relationship from the beginning and ruined something that could have been amazing for the rest of our lives. The sex acts hurt in themselves to know end, but she does have feelings for this guy after the fact which in my mind hurt more. In essense, she no longer is in love with me and has closed her heart to me.

 

When she told me what she had did, I went on to tell her that I was shopping for a diamond ring for her and was going to eventually ask her to marry me. Naturally she broke down crying and couldn't hardly speak. I don't think she really knew how I felt about her ... until it was too late. The following weekend 4 days or so later, I reflected on the whole situation and decided that if there was ever going to be ANY chance of reconciling a friendship or anything between us, that I would have to disclose what I've done as well and have everything out on the table so we can have a new beginning. So I called her over and told her everything and of course she was hurt. She went on to say that she can never look at me the same again and that our entire relationship was based on lies. And, she was right ... it was. However, I did find love again in her and couldn't lose her. So, as a result of all this, I pushed her away very very far ... and I basically rolled out a golden carpet for this other guy. Since the family trip this guy has been at the right place at the right time saying all the right things to her .. "I love you" .. "I want to marry someone like you" ... He doesn't even have a job or a car and has nothing to offer her except a broken heart.

 

Also, you should know that she is 21 now and has a terrible relationship with her father. He has since forbid her to see this "other" guy in any way .. talking, contact of any kind. Well even if she didn't like this guy, she would likely do it any how out of spite. The father (although he does like me a lot) has forbid her to see or talk to me as well so she can focus on herself. He and her mother are putting her in counseling to help get her back on track and also cope with the lack of her father in her life. It's a bit ridiculous though as she really CAN do what ever she wants. He threatened to take her car keys away and her cell phone and would even check her phone records. He's really out of control. And, I can't help think that a lot of this is my doing and that I ultimately set all this in motion. I myself have already pursued counseling and find that it has already helped me get on the right track again. I wish I would have done this years ago.

 

I still love her with all of my heart and would do anything to help rebuild our relationship from scratch. I my mind, I had already picked her to be my companion for the rest of my life. So, if I would have to start over with her .. then, she is worth it without question and I am more than willing to do that.

 

Yes naturally, I did try calling her, and she saw me at my very worst and weakest moment telling her how I felt for her. She then told me simply that "I can't be there for you now ... you have to fix yourself now and get happy again ... and I have to do the same ... my father won't allow me to talk to you even if I wanted". When I asked if she still loved me, she said "Well, of course I love you and you are my best friend ... but I have closed my heart and am not in love with you".

 

Well I asked for that, and it couldn't be more of a daggar in my heart. So, that is basically the story. Essentially, I was never good enough for her in the beginning and never gave the relationship a true chance. It's difficult to know how to proceed. I can imagine anything in my life without her, and everything I see around me is "her". I do know she still cares for me a lot and is likely confused right now. I know she won't talk to me for a while and that hurts every day for me. We have always been there for each other. I know that we can't begin to rebuild anything right now any how until I resolve my issues and she resolves hers. However, I know that I do want to make every effort to and I have no idea where she stands with that. I can't possibly give up on our 3 years that we have invested in each other.

 

My thoughts are that ... if after a couple months of successful counseling and we are both happy with ourselves again ... that we both owe it to each other to really give the relationship a fair and "honest" chance. Is there too much damage? When it comes down to it, I know what she is about and she knows what I am about. I have already forgiven her for her actions (not forgotten) and am ready to move on from that and begin trusting her again. I have no idea if she feels the same way, but this is where I am currently at.

 

If you have made it this far, I truly appreciate it and would be most greatful for any heartfelt advice or comments. This is really important to me, and it would be nice to have an unbiased view of the situation from the outside.

[BillyJean714]

Maybe it's a woman-to-woman thing, but in my opinion, I don't think she is ever coming back. Not for a long long LONG time.

 

I was in a relationship similar to yours. Our's lasted close to 4 years. My ex did a complete 180 with his life when we were together, similar to you. His didn't involve sex (not that I know of), just drugs. He strayed once.

 

To make a long story short, I just could not look at him the same anymore. People often say, "Chemistry's there or it's not" (we're not just talking about physical, but emotionally/intellectual), but once you destroy that chemistry, it's almost irreversible, especially if the person's made up their mind.

 

But, you never know. I just see at as her getting fed up for not being treated 'right' from get go. When you finally got things together and started treating her right, she figured, by that time, it was already too late.

 

Sorry to hear about your heartache. I really am. About your past sexual addiction? Stay healthy. Get tested. You don't want to put your health, your ex's, and/or girls' you will be intimate with in the future in jeopardy. These are the tests you need to ask your physician next time you see she or he:

1. HSV-2 type specific blood test. (Tests for genital herpes, which is NOT included in your routine std testing. You have to specifically ask for it. Doctors do not test herpes as their standard std screening procedures).

2. Normal routine std blood test (which includes: HIV, chlymidia, syphlis, gonnerhea, Hep B/C)

 

Take care.

[jps]

Thanks for the post BillyJean. That is a bit difficult for me to accept at the moment that she won't ever come back for a very very very long time I must say. I really think she feels very strongly for me as I do for her. There is just so much on the table now that we both need to sort through and reflect on. I figure we really do owe it to both of us to give it a bit of time and then talk about it once we have healed from the initial pain and our heads have cleared. Despite all of my flaws and her later ones, we really did have a strong relationship. We genuinely enjoyed spending time together down to just being around each other and doing nothing. I miss everything about her right down to all the annoying things she does from time to time.

 

Concerning my earlier problems, I was tested and by the grace of God, I came out clean and healthy. I did get all of the tests also. Thanks for the suggestion though.

 

My birthday falls in September, and I have a feeling she will likely call me that day if anything to see how I've been doing. I truly hope that I haven't lost her completely. I really do want a chance to make this right again. Does anyone else think that this is completely impossible? I'm not looking for false hopes ... just any advice and/or suggestions.

[jps]

I decided to give her mother a call a little while ago to see how she has been doing. Her mother said she is doing very well and that she had her first session yesterday and came out of it very happy. That really made me feel good to hear. Basically, it was confirmed without a doubt that her father is indeed a terrible man and a complete lunatic. Hearing that from a professional unbiased to the situation has to be very theraputic to her. I told her mother that I was doing a lot better myself especially after my sessions and that I am progressing in a positive direction. I tried not to talk about her too much to her mother other than that I do miss her and think about her all the time.

 

At one time, her mother told me to write a letter to her (not email) about my feelings about everything. In a way, I have been writing down my emotions on a daily basis and would love nothing more than to write her a long heart-felt letter, but I think I will wait a while longer or maybe even wait to express them in person when she is ready. Any advice on this?

 

Does anyone else have any thoughts?

[keefy1972]

jps,

 

It seems to me that you are being a little too hard on yourself here. This woman went out and cheated on you twice. I understand that you did it to her in the beginning, but she has also done it to you. Yet through your entire post you are placing all of the blame on yourself. She has cheated on you and you are desperate for her to come back to you. So now you can set a precedent that this is okay. Not a good thing to do.

 

I think there is hope, there is always hope, but you need to distance yourself from her or anything linked to her for a good long while. You take that time to continue your therapy and make yourself better. Let her and her parents worry about her. Let it be for the time being.

[BillyJean714]

Write to her what you wrote to us.

 

If it helps you to get things off your chest, then do so. She did mention that her heart is closed up to you, even though she loves you..so I would also keep in mind, her answer may not be what you want. Either way, if you need to e-mail her and tell her what you think, then do so.

 

Good luck.

[badBoy101]

what on earth do you mean she is forbidden to speak to you? she is 21 for christ sakes, an adult and can do anything she wants.....

 

how old do you have to be in the usa before you can make your own decisions?

[jps]

jps,

 

It seems to me that you are being a little too hard on yourself here. This woman went out and cheated on you twice. I understand that you did it to her in the beginning, but she has also done it to you. Yet through your entire post you are placing all of the blame on yourself. She has cheated on you and you are desperate for her to come back to you. So now you can set a precedent that this is okay. Not a good thing to do.

 

I think there is hope, there is always hope, but you need to distance yourself from her or anything linked to her for a good long while. You take that time to continue your therapy and make yourself better. Let her and her parents worry about her. Let it be for the time being.

 

Well perhaps. I don't think I'm all to blame of course, but apparently something was lacking there from me for the end result to happen. I don't think she was out there looking for anything in particular like that or planning it per say. It just happened and she didn't stop it. I sure don't want to seem desperate also for her to come back to me. That may never happen I know. I do hope that we both get a real chance to talk about every thing and really see where we both stand with our feelings towards each other. Most of my close friends seem to consent that what she is feeling is more of a phase than anything and that she was scared of being together with someone forever and she was just lashing out. It's quite obvious that this guy she was with on the vacation could never ever work. I'm jealous naturally and hurt, but I'm not worried about him for any long term results.

 

Like I mentioned before, I do know that her feelings for me are very strong, especially for as much as she has given me with little in return from my end (small things that is). I really do want her to know sincerely that I am still the man she fell in love with. That's who I've always wanted to be for her, and that's who I will continue to be long after I resolve my issues in therapy. I agree with what you are saying about be being "ok" with the sleeping around. By no means would I ever be "ok" with that. I am immensely hurt and betrayed by it .. especially from when it happened and how it happened. However, am I really any better ... regardless of when it happened? I know she is incredibly confused right now about "us" and needs time before she can even think about it. She is focusing on therapy about her father and beginning her senior year in college right now. So, I'm sure she hasn't even begun to think of any salvaging of what is left for us. In my mind, I think I know her well enough to know that she does have a forgiving heart and that we will ultimately be friends out of all of this. I am truly seeking God's help to be as patient as possible with her once we do actually begin speaking again and she calls me. How can I possibly tell her everything I feel about everything but yet be patient about it and not give her the impression that I have completely moved on? I'm not really into the love games, but that surely sounds like one doesn't it?

 

I think you are also correct about letting her parents worry about her. She lives with her mother, and for the record, she was the one who told me to call and see how she was doing. I did want to also though. Her mother does know what I did early on in the relationship as I told her in person after she broke her news to me. She knows I still care about her a lot. I don't think I need to call any more though .. that may be unhealthy to me at this point. Her father and stepmother are completely uninvolved with her therapy, and her father is in most NEED of it!! Why doesn't he go? He needs to be told to his face that he is a terrible father!!!

 

Sorry for the vent. I believe there is hope as well, although it is difficult to see through those clouds right now. I truly believe that God put her in my life for a reason and vice versa. She helped turn my life around for the better, and afterwards, helped me cope and ultimately get through a bout of Thyroid Cancer. She really didn't have to do it, but she was there for me every step of the way!!! I truly owe her so much.

 

Anyhow, thanks for the posts .... please keep them coming.

[jps]

what on earth do you mean she is forbidden to speak to you? she is 21 for christ sakes, an adult and can do anything she wants.....

 

how old do you have to be in the usa before you can make your own decisions?

 

Precisely my point my friend. Lord knows she doesn't want to talk to me anyhow, but she isn't 14 is she!?!?! From what her mother told me, her therapist was completely floored about the whole situation (that was just the tip of the iceberg) and so was my therapist. He basically made me pause and said "Are you kidding me?".

 

Ultimately, she lives with her mother ... not her father. Her mother said she would never keep her from calling anyone that she really wanted to speak to. She knows I want to hear from her. I only want her to call when she feels she is ready though. It will serve no benefit for either of us right now in our current states of mind.

[keefy1972]

Congratulations on beating cancer buddy, that is the ultimate test of character, so what you are going through now is like a walk in the park comparitively.

 

My main point was simply to be a little more forgiving of yourself. You are more than eager to be forgiving of her misdeeds but are having a tough time forgiving yourself for your own. We are all human and succeptible to mistakes. You made a few...let it go. She didn't know about them and that is NOT the reason she did it to you. If you had never cheated on her she still would have cheated on you. Maybe you didn't give her all that you should have, but truth be told, if she is as decent as you are making her out to be, she would have ended the relationship BEFORE sleeping with someone else.

 

Sorry, I am ranting a little, but I just think you should stop blaming yourself so much first and foremost.

[jps]

Write to her what you wrote to us.

 

If it helps you to get things off your chest, then do so. She did mention that her heart is closed up to you, even though she loves you..so I would also keep in mind, her answer may not be what you want. Either way, if you need to e-mail her and tell her what you think, then do so.

 

Good luck.

 

Well, basically the night of the breakup from about 3:30 A.M. to 5:30 A.M. I did hand right her a letter ... basically telling her how I felt about everything .. nothing ugly .. just feelings and emotions. I didn't know if I would ever speak to her again, so I decided to go ahead and thank her for everything she has done for me that I never got to truly thank her for ... being there for me, being my best friend, helping me get through the scariest time of my life (cancer), and making me want to be a better man for myself and for us. I then drove to her house and wedged that into her car door. She knew how I felt then essentially. After I divulged my relationship mistakes to her, I did send her an email after her father went completely nuts about her not contacting me basically expressing my love for her and that I will be praying for her and for both of us as well as her family to help get through it all. I hate to see her hurt .. I really do. I'm the type of person who really likes to have an answer and solution for everything, but I don't and I really wish I could help her in any way. It sounds like being completely away is the real answer from the countless threads I have been reading. I suppose time really is Elixir for the heart.

 

She'll be starting college at the end of August, and I was thinking about writing her a small letter before she left .. if nothing else, letting her know how I've been doing and to wish her luck with her senior year. I might mention a couple things about us, but it won't be overwhelming like what I have already sent her. I think she knows how I still feel for her.

[jps]

HA! Well I wish it were a walk in the park indeed.

 

You do make a valid point that ultimately it was unknown to her about my mistakes before she did what she did. And you are also right that she should have just dumped me before she did those things as well. Like I said earlier though, I don't think she ever wanted to do any of those things or pursue anyone else. It just happened and she didn't do anything to stop it.

 

It's hard to know how to evaluate it. I know she didn't want to hurt me either way .. whether she was afraid of hurting me breaking it off with me or not wanting to tell me what she had done after the fact. She talked with all of her friends about it and actually most of them, based on her telling them how she felt about me and us, told her to never tell me. Can you believe that?? So, in a crude and sick way mind you, I know she really regrets what she had done. At the same time, it is very clear that she isn't truly happy with me and may be trying to see what her other options are. My gut feeling is that she will make an effort to pursue other relationships her senior year. I really wouldn't blame her. Anything is better than what she cheated on me for I can assure you. She goes to a Christian based university and is bound to find someone good for her there ... however, not exactly the end result I would look for.

 

I welcome any more insight to my situation.

[jps]

Any other suggestions or general comments? I'd appreciate anything anyone has to offer.

[zara]

in my opinion there is only one thing to do.

 

tell her that u love her, that u want her. that she matters to u. however, whether she can put the past behind her, and u both, is a decision that she will have to make also.

 

and then really surprise her, and urself-- and do not contact her again. like ever. this is the hard part. u are hurt, have been hurt by this experience. she cheated on u. this has affected ur self esteem. it would affect any sane persons conception of their own value. u must step away from teh situation. and allow urself time to heal from this. and u must be the guy she fell in love with. ie no random sex with strangers.

 

in 6 weeks- something is magical abt that number of weeks, her hold on u will disappear. i really mena that. not five weeks, not four weeks. but six weeks. of no contact at all. and u will feel better then. a greater sense of self. move forward in life, try and be a better person and learn from this experience. im sure u have already. and who knows? if u leave her hanging like that, with nothing but ur last words of love to remember u by, i have a strong suspicion that one day she will knock on ur door again. but then again, thats only a guess.

 

tc..

[jps]

Well, I've told her that I deeply love her a couple times before she "wasn't allowed" to have contact with me anymore and I think she knows I was being sincere and honest with her. I told her that I do love her very much and that I will be here for her any time when she feels like calling me, that I would never turn her away. I then told her that I would pray every day for the both of us. I also had sent her a simple card that basically said "I Miss Your Smile" .... and I wrote a few heartfelt words on there as well. And she of course also knows that I was soon going to propose to her as I was shopping for diamonds and a ring setting.

 

I agree with the lack of contact as it gives her a chance to really miss me. The problem is that I have to see her one more time this coming Monday as I teach private lessons part time where she happens to work. I've been the last couple Monday's and tried not to make it awkward and tried to put a smile on her face. This past Monday I mentioned how I began my therapy and thought it had already did some good for me and that I have a positive direction to follow, and she seemed very happy to hear that. I also mentioned that my therapist was floored when I mentioned her father's doings. She seemed appreciative of that ... then we talked about a mutual friend of ours and that was it ... all of 2 minutes maybe, and I was off. I'll probably be quicker this coming Monday, but it will be my last lessons there for the summer and I know it will be the last time I see or talk to her for a LONG time as she will be going to college and all.

 

I fixed the random sex with strangers problem long long ago, but just never forgave myself for that lifestyle I used to have. My guilt ultimately led to my intimacy problems with her. I'm still going to see a therapist to help maintain a healthy lifestyle and outlook on things so I can have a loving relationship in the future. This really has to happen before I can possibly salvage anything with my ex. And I do want to be happy again for myself and for her.

 

Like I mentioned earlier, she will likely call me around my birthday time in September .. hopefully not to break my heart and tell me that she found someone else ... but I have a hunch she will call. Actually that will fall 6-7 weeks even after this Monday I will see her .. so maybe your theory will be correct.

 

I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice ... please keep them coming.

[jps]

Does anyone have anything else to offer at the moment? Do's and don'ts? Opinions?

 

Also, does anyone completely think this is unsalvageable and that no reconciliation whatsoever is possible?

[jps]

Well, I really did want her to move in with me actually, but not at that exact moment. I had planned on getting engaged first before asking her to move in with me and didn't see the need for the rush. She took my answer as a complete doubt in my feelings for her, and the end results happened.

 

Concerning my personal standards, I raised them as the relationship went along. I ended my terrible addiction of that evil promiscuous life for the better of me and her and us. However, I still had intimacy issues virtually the whole time as a result from my past and never overcame that problem. I know I should have taken the next step and begun counseling before it was too late, and that is my fault. I know.

 

Concerning her closing her heart to me, that's a tough one. I think she was more confused at the time when said that than anything. It may be 100% true, but it may not be as well. I know she was still upset about what I had revealed to her (4 days sooner) and that she still had feelings about this other man. Perhaps that had some influence to what she said.

 

I'm not sure about the competitive question. I don't consider myself overly competitive. Any man will want to protect himself from losing his love though. I think that's more natural than "classic". She is very very attractive and I'm sure could get most anyone she wanted. That's not the issue. And, please don't insinuate that I do not have deep feelings for her.

[jps]

Thanks for the kinds words. It still hurts a good bit right now, but I really do forgive her. I would really like to write and mail her a letter as well although I don't know if I should or not ... don't want to push her any further away right now. However, I do want her to know my thoughts . I was almost thinking of mailing her a letter right before she leaves or right as she gets to school in New Orleans. Does anyone think this is a bad idea and I should avoid this all together?

 

Does anyone have any other suggestions?

[jps]

Thanks again you all for your heartfelt advice on my situation. I was wanting to write her a letter for a while but wanted to wait another couple weeks before mailing it to her. Do you think that is a good idea? I hear mixed reviews from some of my other really close friends.

 

Some say it would be great and just wait a couple weeks to send it with NO contact in between. Others say I shouldn't send it, but should merely call her in a couple weeks and keep the conversation really short just talking about non-relationship stuff. Then call say another week later with the same thing ... and eventually after she starts college, in a month or so, ask to meet her in the afternoon at a restaurant for a quick bite and a drink. What do you think? A little of both? One or the other?

 

This truly is important to me and I really don't want to steer her further from me. I do know that she is still keeping in touch with this "other" guy at the moment .. I know that makes it difficult also. Any advice is graciously appreciated. Thanks.

[saltwatergirl]

Well, your lies and cheating during this relationship have really done a great deal of damage here and you need to accept that you may not be able to salvage anything. I cant imagine hearing all that and still considering a relationship with him. If I were you I would send the letter, yes, and then I would totally disappear. She likely needs time alone without contact from you so that she can process what she has heard.

 

I'd also like to mention, that considering she also cheated on you twice, you both have some serious thinking to do, and I think it best to do that thinking alone. You dont want to make a rash decision to get back together just because you miss each other if you are not both totally committed to NOT CHEATING ANYMORE ON EACH OTHER. Maybe the time has come to end this relationship? Maybe it's time and purpose is over?

 

Time alone is what you need, and her too. I'd send the letter then fade to the background and give it time and space.

 

PS congrats on victory over the cancer and the addiction to random sex.

 

Salt

[jps]

Hey guys ... it's been a little while and I thought I would give you the current progress on my end and see what you all think.

 

I haven't been in contact at all with my love in hopes that she will miss me enough to contact me or call. At the moment, I simply WILL NOT call her first.

 

Well, first on August 14th, I decided to break NC (I know I know) to tell her quick hello and all . That day I was in a phenominal mood .. had been working out, looked good, felt great, and was about to leave on a fun trip to Seattle/Portland. She was finishing her day at work, so I asked if I could stop by for a couple minutes since I was in the area. I did , and I stayed completely upbeat the ENTIRE time and didn't flinch. She talked a little, but didn't seem very happy. I didn't once mention the relationship of course, nor the guy I knew she was still seeing. I stayed for about 30 minutes and left, and she gave me a large and strong hug, which I didn't mind.

 

Fast Forward a couple weeks later ....

 

She sent me a couple text messages while I was up in Seattle at the latter part of the trip (Sept. 2nd) hoping all was going fine for me .. figured she didn't want to call me, so I text'd back basically that I was having a blast and it was so gorgeous out there .. and I asked if she had her auditions. She said yes and that she got 1st chair (flute)! It was then that I got my cell phone wet (don't ask) and couldn't respond until the following morning when I was flying back, but I congratulated her and hinted at getting a drink once the plane got back to New Orleans since I knew she was back in school there. She agreed and I told her I would call when I got my truck. Well I also mentioned my flight would arrive at 5:30 .. which meant I would get my luggage by 6 and my truck by 6:15 - 6:30 by the time my friend came and picked me up. Well, she sent a text in the meantime at about 6:05 .. "I guess the plane is running late ..." . So I guess that meant she was actually looking forward to seeing me .. anticipating even a bit.

 

So, I got my truck, called her and let me tell you, I was in a phenominal mood, and nothing could get me down and I knew it too .. so every word that came out of my mouth had a positive vibe. So, I told her I would pick her up and we could grab a quick drink and bite nearby .. so we did. The conversation was a little awkward from her end but I kept things as light as possible and didn't mention "us" one time. I tried to get her talking best I could of course and also talked about the trip. She mentioned that she still talks to "*****" some, but that she wasn't sure if that was what she wanted ... that is after I mentioned that I was glad that he was a good friend to her and been there for her and all. I think I caught her off guard with saying something like that. She also did mention however that she wanted to take this time to meet new people. Naturally I said .. GREAT! I want you to have a great and exciting senior year .. although her statement bothered me a bit. I didn't flinch though.

 

I mean, if you love someone, the whole "go out and meet guys" thing just isn't necessary right?

 

So, I brought her back and she gave me a nice hug and we told each other bye ... I had given her a Starbucks mug which she seemed to like also ... nothing more than that. I haven't spoken to her since nor heard from her. She sent me a text Monday (the 11th) on my B-day (Happy Birthday!) which I thought was pretty cowardly, but at least she was thinking of me. I replied 8 hours later with "Thanks" . I figured she would have called for that at least. Oh well, she isn't ready. I'll probably call her at the end of the month if she doesn't call me first, to maybe see if she wants to walk a little in the French Quarter or River Walk or something, maybe even the zoo. If not, I'm throwing in the towel on that one, and moving on and never looking back, not even as friends. I deserve better than that, especially after being with her for 3 years .. and I really don't think I was a bad man either, regardless of how I was early on in the relationship.

 

She also mentioned that she would like to see more of the world (likely as a result of the Venezuela trip and ******'s brainwashing) and that she may even consider teaching somewhere out of the country. I didn't know what to say to that other than that sounded like fun.

 

I mean, I think once ****** is a bit more out of the picture, my phone will ring. I love her to death, but I don't know if my heart is strong enough to have her only as a friend. She is my best friend, but she's also SO much more to me, and it will break my heart every day if I talk to her knowing that she has another love in her life. Myself, I've been on a couple dates recently and have one tonight in fact, but my heart belongs to only one person, and that simply won't change any time soon.

 

What do you guys think? Do you think my love will ever return or have I lost her for good? I would like to think the text messages are although a little childish, a positive sign that if nothing else, she is thinking about me and misses me some. I mean, virtually the last couple years, she hinted to all of my friends and all of her family that she wanted to marry me. She felt that strongly for me. Knowing that, and her knowing how I feel about her seems like it should be worth something in the future for a possible reconciliation wouldn't you agree?

 

Any thoughts or reflections would be appreciated!

[pretty girl digs graves]

As I was reading this I was thinking how would I react if I was in your shoes, in her shoes - and I thought this can not be easy for either of you. To be honest, I have been in her position before and I know how emotionally and mentally drained she must feel. I truly hate hearing stories like this where two people that really had somethingt special end up throwing it away but you have to think of how she feels - why she broke this relationship off in the first place and went with this guy.

 

It probably was because she felt as though the relationship you both had was not meeting her needs and that you were not someone who she trusted anymore. I know there are always things we wish we could have done different, but think about how much her feelings for you would have had to have changed in order that she would start up with someone else. She is gone and will never come back to. That's the attitude I had. It had alot to do with your behavior towards her. You just let her down and never came through on the promises you made to her.

 

I really don't think it matters how much you change you will never again be that man she fell in love with because she already left that man. So don't blame yourself or her. You just must come to understand that you will never be in her life in any way so respect her decision to leave someone that failed her, and let it be.

[g44]

i am sorry to hear about this but it is best u never think about her as a partner again.

 

i mean how does one cheat if they claim to be IN love with you?

 

u say within moments of leaving she is hooking up?

 

It is not possible to trust again

 

What can she do to prove she is loyal and faithful now and has learned her lesson? Nothing

 

i once heard of a woman that cheated 6 months into a relationship and again a year later. and its not like she lied to my face about it - just never showed any sign of guilt whatsoever. and i heard that it was described this way "The cheating wasn't full blown sex..actually she was the giver without receipt of anything."

 

that is so whacked. what a weird way of looking at initmacy. i think the person that was in love with her actually wrote a love song for her.

 

a promise is a declaration assuring that one will do something; a vow.

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your

destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. this i really understand now.

 

And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over or they were never really part of the novel. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying toraise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

 

Let me tell you something. I've learn how to wrap the gift of good-bye.

[jps]

Well, I was hoping for a little more positive responses. Thank you both for your honesty though. Does anyone have anything else to add?

 

I am really missing my best friend these days.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The only thing you can do is move on with your life. Some exs do end up re-connecting after a period of time but there are no guarantees. She is still quite young and needs to experience the world. You were not meeting her needs, keeping things from her and keeping your feelings under wraps. She eventually gave up and got her needs met elsewhere. The only thing you can do now is learn from your mistakes and move on. If it is meant to be, she will come back. But it is possible she waited for you for so long and didn't get what she needed from you, her heart shut off and your full disclosure was too little too late. There is nothing more you can do except go on with your life.