Just need to hear it...

[beckkkk]

Someone tell me it is not my fault(or my kids), I am not crazy, and all that good stuff... Even though in my head I KNOW the truth...well ya know how abusers can lie and try to brainwash ya. I just need someone...or a few people to say what I know to be true....and help me decide my next step.

 

I am recently divorced. My ex adopted 3 of my children and we have 1 together. My ex was verbally abusive to me during the marriage. Last evening my 9 yr old came to me and said daddy had called him an idiot during the weekend visitation. I can't get his face out of my mind since he told me..he was trying so hard not to cry. Then my 14 yr old said he was also called an idiot during the weekend. I feel so sick at my stomach. They also said that one nite they were noisy at bedtime and he said "if you guys don't get quiet there is gonna be blood on the walls". Do I just chalk that up to a threat to get them to behave from someone who is overwhelmed? Is it abuse? WHAT exactly is that??

 

There has also been incidents like him being away on business and only bringing a gift for our youngest...and then him telling the others that they didn't get anything because they didn't get him anything for his bday. That all leaves me thinking...HOW F-ING IMMATURE can you be?? It is all mind games I know.

 

Now let me just say...when we separated he had verbalized NOT wanting visitation w/the 3 he had adopted...so I am very sure he is treating them much differently than the daughter we have together. He has tried quite often to only take 2 kids on the weekends, etc.

 

So what do I do? Do I continue to allow him to take my kids? My 14 and 9 yr old are already saying they don't want to go there anymore...not even camping with him and that is their favorite thing to do! Do I fight to get visitation changed? What do I do?? I know if I tried to sit him down and discuss it that nothing would come of it. I know from experience that he would deny it, blame it on them(you know it is never their fault), and I have no doubt he would take it out on them later. My head is just spinning and I need someone outside the situation to give me their insight.

 

Thanks for listening,

Rebecca

[chai714]

You're not crazy, he's an abusive father.

 

If you can, get custody of your children. I'm not sure how difficult it would be, but make sure to document every incident so that you can bring these incidents up to the judge during court.

 

Meanwhile, continue to assure your children that their father did not mean those harsh words and comfort them the best you can. Hang in there, you're not crazy at all.

[SaraJane]

You're not crazy, this guy is completely wrong for behaving this way.

 

This is a key factor in why I would not let my husband adopt my oldest son... in fear of how he might treat him if things didnt work out as opposed to how he'd treat the child we have together (considering I knew that unless he quit drinking I would eventually leave).

 

Though both him and my child wanted it, Im too fearful of the long term outcome of it with the uncertainty of our relationship. And I was certain that his desire to adopt him was a key in trying to give me more reason not to leave.

 

 

You should put your children's best interest before his, of course... if this man is hurting your children's feelings, and upsetting them dont make them go, he's not taking their feelings into consideration and possibly hoping for his behavior to lead to what he ultimately wants... NOT wanting visitation w/the 3 he adopted.

 

Its not your childrens fault, and they need to know this... it has and will probably continue to hurt them if he acts this way, and if they do not wish to go with him... dont make them.

[Aurian]

I was just reading a book. It is very good. I don't know if reading something is helpful to you, but if you are a book junkie, get "Dragonslippers" by Rosalind B. Penfold. She was a woman in an abusive relationship and she coped with her feelings by drawing them. She published these drawings and they show exactly how an abusive spouse works - being loving at first, the small warning signs and the escalation of emotional and physical abuse. The comics also show how a sensitive loving person rationalizes things away.

 

It was so good to read about her ordeal and how she healed from it too. Made me feel less alone.

 

Your husband's threat against his children is disgusting. Nobody should threaten that kind of phyiscal violence for any reason. A father should not call his kids idiots or put them down either. This is not a healthy influence in your children's lives. If you can, get the visitation rights changed. If you can, save proof of your husband's abusive side (phone messages, email, etc).

 

Listen to your children. They are saying they don't want to be with this person. The tears he sheds? Crocodile tears. He just wants a possession he can mistreat so he can feel good about himself.

 

You know the right thing to do. Its hard letting go because abusers use your trust, sensitivity and compassion. However, they do not deserve those three things.

[Bkoguy07]

I dont see how thats abusive? my dads cussed at me way worst then that, but thats how he grew up, ... he's threatened to shoot me too but i mean... not abusive i dont get it how idiot is abusive...my dad was raised rough and i am too but, im an a.p student (college classes) i have a steady relationship play 3 sports at varsity level dont drink smoke or party and am quite popular, and the way he treated me really hleped me become a man and cope with the world.

[Tesseract_Witch]

I think he is being a bit childish and simply playing favorites (the gift-giving incident suggests that). But I am afraid I have to agree with Bykoguy07 to an extent--my father is hardly "abusive"; he can, however, be extremely childish (or such is the proccess of wearing on the body, my mother claims). As for the name-calling; I have yet to hear the end of it! Although this is a very crude "threat," my father "threatened" to "break my face." I am every bit as snide to him; I think we share a cruel sense of humor (call me insolent if you will).

[SaraJane]

Though I agree with the fact that the name calling and threats arent major, the background and the favoritism are enough to believe that this man has little respect for the feelings and emotions of the adopted children.

 

If he doesnt want to see them (which he stated when the separated) and the children arent comfortable with him, even if the verbal abuse is extremely minor (or not abuse at all in some's opinion)... I personally see no reason to force the visitations.

[sonjam]

He's definitely in the wrong, note down every remark he's said about the kids, with dates (in case you need them) and simply abide to your childrens wishes for them not to visit. Don't make a fuss over it, he doesn't want them there obviously anyway. Your only worry now, really is his own child. How about sending him a note and asking him not to say those type of words to the kids as it is damaging to their self esteem?