I feel miserable

[xmrth]

I feel like I'm going backwards again, and getting so anxious about everything. I feel like I can calm down eventually, which wasn't possible for me some months ago, but I feel absolutely miserable. Misery. Just full of it.

 

It's like the same things in my relationship bother me, even though things are so much better now: two major things. The biggest thing is I feel like I'm more of my bf's life, and he takes me out without question-- but I'm not convinced. My problem with that is it's still very soon, only within the past few months (been together almost 7 yrs, and he didn't include me w/friends for any of the more recent years) and there's times coming up that I'm actually freaking out over if I'm not included. Like I'm making sure he knows I should be there, and I should. Has everything to do with the fact I don't know some of those people yet.

 

The second improvement is our communication, which we used to talk only like once or twice on the phone during the week. Now we talk several times a day and for as long as we can!! I think that's our biggest improvement. It goes both ways now too instead of just me calling. I get called at surprising times, finally.

 

I just feel so miserable and anxious. It makes me hate myself, and I hate my life because of it. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'd feel worse without him, but living like this is so unbearable. I don't think therapy helps me, but I don't see how medication will help me. I don't think I'm feeling miserable and anxious over imaginary things, or problems I've created myself in my own head. I feel like there's things that should work a little more on my side.

 

Things like oh I'd probably feel better if I had more to do instead of see him. My life really is involving him more than anything else in it. I have my friends but more of a desire to see him than them. And with him inviting me out, I feel like I'll feel better once I've met everyone he knows, mostly because that was such an issue, and there's still people I haven't met which makes me uncomfortable. He doesn't go out without me anymore, but he's been so busy with work he hasn't seen much of anyone but me or then WITH me. So I still feel bothered even though that situation is a bit better.

 

And living at home... doesn't help. I have a good family situation. But I can't stand that after nearly 7 years, we're not living together yet. No money to do so, and I'm in college. I know our reasons for not living together yet are right, but it sucks. I'm miserable. I hate it. It makes me hate life. I wish I didn't care about him so much. I wish I could take him for granted so badly.

 

Martha

[Momene]

Can guess how you feel. When I was young I bemoaned the fact that I wasn't in a relationship but now I'm older, I realise it's harder when you're young. For example, I already owned a house when I met my wife. I think you should have some time out with friends and family without your boyfriend and now you're old enough to drink that will be more fun that just hanging around like you did before.

 

I think a certain amount of separate activities isn;t a bad thing but the right/wrong amount depends very much on the people and their own situation.

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

It seems as though the reason for your anxiousness and misery is that you are living your life through your boyfriend. You need to join a club, get involved with something other than him. I know you love and care for him but you cant be with or talk with him 24/7. That just isnt healthy. If you do keep this up you will lose yourself completely. I would hate to see that happen.

[Holiday]

Wow, after two years, relationships usually go from the passion stage to the real phase. Now, at seven years, your getting an itch. You sure what you want?

[xmrth]

I do feel like I'm completely losing myself, and before I'd just keep focusing on not allowing it to happen as best I could. Now it feels like I've almost accepted it, like it's okay, though I know it's not. I feel like no matter how busy I am with anything, it doesn't help. I'm so tired of it; it's exhausting.

 

Wow, after two years, relationships usually go from the passion stage to the real phase. Now, at seven years, your getting an itch. You sure what you want?

I'm not sure what you mean by an itch because I've always wanted the same thing from us as long as I can remember. I'm not sure what you mean; I think I answered that right but I'm not sure.

[ElektraHere]

Martha,

 

This is by no means meant to be mean but you have to get a life. You have created this world all around your boyfriend. If you two were to break up you would be lost. Not just because you would miss him but you would have nothing that YOU occupy your life with.

 

You started dating when you both were impressionable teens. Now you are 21 and Martha things change. Thoughts change. Its a part of growing up. Do you live in a small town? Do you think that is why you two are still together? You have had struggle after struggle throughout the time I have been at this website. Arent you getting sick of feeling sick and tired?

[xmrth]

I do feel like I need to more than what I've got. I feel like I'm not as close to my friends as he is to his. His friends actually care about him, as he does for them, like brothers. While my friends are people who know they probably won't keep in touch after college.

 

I'm not sure what you mean about the small town though. You mean like the amount of people we both know? I'm disconnected from my town by going to a different high school which had some other towns going to it and the same with him. But his town is big and so is the amount of people he knows. If I were like him, I think I'd feel a lot better. I'd feel more like I had other people to care about just as much as I care for him (along those lines, at least), and to feel that same care in return from other people.

It's a lot of that and all kinds of other little things. I'm completely sick of it, and I hate feeling this way and caring and just feeling like I need so much out of it. I feel like me as a person does not need so much, but things make me feel like I do. I feel like there's ways for me to relax but I'm definitely not there yet, I hate it.

[iamtheone]

Martha (xmrth),

 

I have been following your posts for some time. You sound a lot like I used to be, when I first started reading things on this site, I thought 'there's someone who feels the same way as me.'

 

I don't mean to be hurtful in any way, I see a lot of myself in you and I really wish I could help you.

 

I know you have said you don't think medication will help. To me it seems clear that you have anxiety/depression problems. I eventually found out that I have BPD (here's a link) link removed, it might apply to you, it might not, but I think you need to DO something about the anxiety. Whatever methods you have tried don't seem to be working, else you would not be 'miserable'.

 

PLEASE please get some professional help, you do not have to live full of anxiety and worry about your SO. Why not try medication? If it doesn't help, then at least you will have tried. I thought that if only my SO would change I wouldn't feel so paranoid, anxious etc- but whenever he acted the way I 'wanted' him to I still felt the same. It was all to do with ME. I found a medication that works for me and I am so happy, I don't have nagging self-esteem/anxiety/depression problems anymore. My SO is able to go out without me and I'm not in tears and worrying constantly, like I used to be, about what MIGHT happen. I worried more about what MIGHT happen than what actually DID happen. I've realised that YES other people do live without worry and depression, and so can I.

 

This comment worries me: 'If I were like him, I think I'd feel a lot better'- to be confident, truly confident in yourself you have to be YOURSELF, not a clone of someone else.

 

As Elektra says, you have to get YOUR own life, who is Martha, who are YOU? without your boyfriend, not just being 'his GF'.

 

Best wishes,

Melissa x.

[Aschleigh]

You have been with your boyfriend since you were 14 years old?

You have done a lot of growing since you were 14. You've changed, you've grown apart.

Developing your own life, with your own goals, friends, etc.. has been stunted by being involved with one person for so long.

It's time to explore new horizons perhaps, new people, new situations. 7 years is a long time. You met this person when you were a kid, now you are an adult and want different things. Make some changes!

[xmrth]

We've grown apart because...? Because we've been together so long? What a misconception. I know some people grow apart and don't grow as individuals, but to say that right off the bat like it's a fact of couples who've been together at a young age for many years isn't right.

And how has friends and my goals been stunted..??? Where does this come from? What a misconception.

I didn't know I wasn't really in college pursuing my dream career, and that he didn't go through school already and is at the start of his career. Or that I'm not a completely different person from high school, or from even just a year ago. Or that the friends we've made individually or grew up from never existed.

We've always been individuals and if anything I've always wanted us to be closer and intertwined more, but then that's where we'd have grown apart or not had any experiences at all. Just because we've been together so long doesn't mean we never do anything outside or that we don't pursue anything.

I'm pissed though because I think we should be living together by now but legitimate reasons prevent that, like me being in college and no money, and him at the start of his career, getting everything together.

[iamtheone]

Martha,

 

I know my post is long but did you get a chance to read it?

 

Elektra is right. If it wasn't the topic of wanting to live with your boyfriend, it would be something else- just WHEN are you going to be happy?

 

You can be happy now, you don't have to wait UNTIL xyz happens....Stand up and deal with your anxiety problem and I promise you life will be much better.

 

Best,

Melissa.

[xmrth]

Sorry I hadn't read it; I didn't know I got 2 new replies and just went to read the one right after yours thinking I'd just gotten that one new one.

 

I don't think I need medication; maybe I did before but not now. It's only been a couple of weeks but just being out with my boyfriend more in different and new situations has really helped all on it's own. I feel like I finally don't care as much and I don't get as worried because I finally see the proof there's nothing to worry about or feel missed out on. I don't know if I'll go back to feeling this way, but it's not that constant feeling it went back to any longer as of now.

I like this feeling, just not caring as much and just not worrying so much, but I think I have it in me still. I'll see where it goes again.

[Momene]

Sounds positive. Well done!