Seeing the ex tonight...help

[Leigh]

Hi everyone,

Many of you already know my story (1.5 years living together - break up 2 months ago)... the ex is now in my hometown (I moved here after the break up from the US) and tonight a mutual friend of ours is having a bonfire. The ex has been informed that I will be there and is still going...(I initiated leaving the relationship, but the ex forced the break to a break up).

 

I need help... I'm afraid of how aloof and cold he'll behave towards me. I need some serious pointers asap as I'm leaving in the hour.

 

Thanks.

 

L.

[DN]

What, if anything, do you want from him?

[Leigh]

Of course I would like to be able to get some closure as the breakup happened very quickly and we've barely had any contact since. I do not intend on breaching this tonight, of course.

 

I would love to be able to reconcile, but I realize that this is most likely not an option given his odd behaviour since the break up (ie: initiating talking with my father on IM, yet being cold with me in my conversations).

 

He has been home for 4 days and has not called me despite the fact that all of my furniture still sits in his apartment in California. I find that kind of rude...and that's not him...so I question his avoidance of me when I've done nothing but respect his decision to break up and have still behaved in a friendly manner towards him.

[AwdreeHpburn]

will there be any use of alcohol at this bbq?

[DN]

OK - I scanned your previous posts and remember most of them.

 

You two have possibly the worst communication and relationship management skills I have ever seen. If either of you can possibly misunderstand what the other wants or means - you will.

 

Time to stop doing that.

 

If you love him and want him then tell him so in plain, unadorned English. And ask him to tell you what he wants in the same way.

 

Then, maybe, you will either get back together or know finally that the relationship is over and move on.

 

Unadorned English means that you don't communicate through friends, relatives, blocking or unblocking messages, veiled allusions, hints, smiles, frowns, ignoring or anything else except looking each other in the eye and telling the truth.

 

You have nothing to lose by simply telling him what you want.

[Lady Bugg]

Leigh DN is right on the money.

I recently started talking to someone again.....and it seems to be going well..

but it's ALL about communication. Take a good hard look at how you approach things. One thing I had to learn to do was NOT make assumptions

about things WITHOUT facts. I have learned to change my approach to the way I view things. Rather than react to my feelings..I sit on them for a day or two...and THEN react. It takes a LOT of self control..but I have realized...it's a KEY element in how our conversations go now.

 

DN is also right in you need to be HONEST about what you want.

Don't beat around the bush. No one is a mind reader...

Don't ASSUME anything. That can get you into a LOT of trouble.

[mamy123]

If you're cold to him, he'll be cold to you. If you're warm and friendly, it'll be hard for him to act aloof and cold.

[mikeca]

I wish you well leigh I've been debating getting in contact with the ex and I hope it goes well for you.

[Leigh]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I was warm and friendly most of the night with him. He was the same with me. He told me that I looked really good...gave me a beer and we stepped outside alone together. When we had a moment alone I asked him if he was happy. He told me yes. I told him that I was sorry for leaving. He said he didn't know what to say about that.

 

Throughout the night we were standing near each other and smiling at each other... I got a couple of cell phone calls and on the second one he said: "Popular girl tonight..." I could tell he was bothered...not knowing who would be calling me so often on a Friday night. He told me about how things in his life were going...things that only I knew about... asked me how my counselling was going... asked me if I was happy and I said "Sometimes..." This man knows me very well...I didn't want to play games with him and act like my life was rosy without him. He told me about how his business was going... I told him about my tentative plans to move to Spain... (after telling him I was sorry that I had left I felt that his inaction on commenting on that was a safe bet that he didn't want me to come back.) He also looked pained to tell me he was happy now as it looked like he didn't want to hurt me by telling me this fact.

 

As the night progressed he seemed to become more aloof with me... or maybe just more uncomfortable as the drinking progressed, I'm not sure. Regardless, the vibe changed. His father phoned him on his cell so he invited him over as well. When his dad arrived i spoke with him for a little bit, then walked away from the party for a minute to make a call on the cell phone.

 

I was standing near the ex's father's car at the time, and they had decided to leave, so they walked towards me, I got off the phone, and as D passed me I asked if I could talk to him for a second. His father proceeded to get into the car. I asked D if we could have a coffee sometime before he leaves...D said, No, Leigh. I don't know if it was the drinking that got to me (I wasn't drunk, just lightheaded) but I lowered my guard and said "Please, D" He opened the car door and said "No, Leigh, I'm sorry, please..." and got into the car. I stood there, alone in the driveway with the headlights of their car blaring in my eyes. I didn't cry, I couldn't move. As they backed out I could see that Aaron was sunk into the seat, and looking down. He couldn't even look at me. I turned around and walked back to the bonfire... I left about 20 minutes later and cried all the way home.

 

I guess I have my closure. He won't even meet me for coffee...but from our visit last night I'm absolutely sure that the feelings are still there. It was like he'd saved up a million stories that he'd wanted to share with me...we talked together for hours. For whatever reason, he does not want this relationship to have another chance... and now I have to respect that. I will not be contacting him again... I feel like I lost all dignity last night and up until asking for coffee I had been my old self again, confident, funny, and genuinely having a good time. So much of the night was made up of us exchanging knowing glances...smiling at each other like we used to. For at least 5 hours, I got to experience that again and for that I'm grateful...even if it means today I have to accept that I have to let him go now.

 

The grieving is starting all over again...I hope I'm strong enough to get through it...it's even harder when you feel like you've lowered yourself...begged... but I have no regrets because if I hadn't tried I may have always wondered... Now I know I've done all I can. I was honest with him. There is no question that he knows that I love him still. I have to move on, and hope that his last memories of me are something more special than the sad little girl standing rejected alone in the driveway.

 

Thanks for everyone's support.

L.

[mikeca]

well on one side im glad you got some closure out of the situation. Your right when you said you did everything you could, you swallowed your pride and made an effort. Now I believe it will hurt all over again but now that you've tried, I think NC will be more absolute, you let him know you care, nothing more you can do.