I want to screw somebody as a revenge, is it normal?

[pookie]

Hi

I post before about my husband cheated. I can't get over it, eventhough he dumped her already. I think because he didn't mean to end it, eventually he intended to keep her as a mistress for pleasure. I knew he didn't love or anything like that. We been together for almost 27 years and married 25 years and with 3 kids. This is the first and only time he cheated. I am so heartbroken on every lies he made. During that time I suspected it, and I confronted him. And I choose to believe his lie. At that times he wanted me back (bc of his guilt and try to do the right things), he was nice and sweet to me and I thought maybe I could let it lie but it has been a year and I found myself thinking about messing around with someone casualy and keep it as a secret, I think it might make me feel better that I am level off with him. I am usually very conservative and never flirt with anyone, or even go out without him or kids. The only reason I didn't do it yet because I don't know how. Everytime I thinking about his lies I am furious and determine to do so. I can't just divorce him, I wouldn't survive, and I still want to make it work. Any advice!!

[RayKay]

I still want to make it work

 

If this is true, then the last thing you should do is get "revenge" by doing the same as he did to you. Not only will it only further hurt things, but I really don't think you will feel very good about YOURSELF ultimately.

 

Instead of thinking of having affairs, I would suggest you:

 

1) Get into counselling

 

2) DO go out without him or the kids....you are a mother, and a wife, but you are still "pookie" and you need that time to, you know. It will make you able to be MUCH more objective about the situation.

 

And finally honey....you CAN survive without him, and if you are staying purely because of fear of the unknown, that is no reason to stay.

[avman]

I think it might make me feel better that I am level off with him

 

You may think that way now but chances are once you do the deed you'll feel awfully guilty about it. Right now you have a clean conscience and you can take some comfort in that. Don't muddy the waters by having an affair yourself.

 

I can't just divorce him, I wouldn't survive

 

Why couldn't you? Why wouldn't you survive?

[Dako]

Pookie,

 

I also thought divorce was too much to bear. I learned there is life after marriage, and you can survive it.

 

Sex makes a dull weapon. Save it for joy.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Pookie - Of course it's normal! You're a normal person so you're feelings are normal.

 

But I do agree with everyone here that it won't accomplish what you think it will. I think RayKay's right about counseling, maybe the two of you should look into getting through this with counseling??

[yeawutever]

It's alright to feel that way towards him and the situation, he broke your trust and chose to replace you. Feeling angry and devasted is what the betrayed party does endure for months even years, that's not one thing to get over it overnight, it does takes a very long while depending on what the betrayer does and how he/she plans on regaining your trust.

 

What however, is not good is you looking for ways to get into an affair to feel better than him, which it, once you do it, you can't never go back, you would wish you had never done it. Instead of the relation getting better, revenge will horribly damage it. If you find yourself that you can't get pass it and wanting revenge, then divorce is the answer.

 

Come to think of it, divorce is much easier than couseling for months-years or coming with plans to get even with him. Remember that two wrongs don't make a right.

[pookie]

Pookie - Of course it's normal! You're a normal person so you're feelings are normal.

 

But I do agree with everyone here that it won't accomplish what you think it will. I think RayKay's right about counseling, maybe the two of you should look into getting through this with counseling??

 

My husband is not believe in counseling. From the outside we are such a perfect family, he would put me in so much trouble if I try to go alone and I don't want to be there.

[pookie]

You may think that way now but chances are once you do the deed you'll feel awfully guilty about it. Right now you have a clean conscience and you can take some comfort in that. Don't muddy the waters by having an affair yourself.

 

 

 

Why couldn't you? Why wouldn't you survive?

 

He is controling and will act out to scare me and my kids if we try to do something he don't approved (usualy it works). Everything we had (family business) is in his name and his only. I live on his budget. We build together from nothing until we are now, I know if I divorce him I will get Nothing but 3 kids and the laws can't help me here. 27 years with him I know him well.

[doyathink]

Pookie, I felt the same way you do now. I had several opportunities to get 'revenge' and at one point almost did. I went out drinking and a friend of mine was there too. One thing almost led to another, I stopped it before it went anywhere.

 

I just couldn't live with myself if I did that, that is not the kind of person I am and trust me I felt guilt for just tossing around the idea! I still have my dignity and self worth for not stooping to his level. You would have to live with this for the rest of your life! Think about it, you wouldn't be 'paying him back' you would be allowing yourself to be used!

 

Your in enough pain, no need to add to it....

[avman]

He is controling and will act out to scare me and my kids if we try to do something he don't approved (usualy it works). Everything we had (family business) is in his name and his only. I live on his budget. We build together from nothing until we are now, I know if I divorce him I will get Nothing but 3 kids and the laws can't help me here. 27 years with him I know him well.

 

Well I'm not exactly sure where you live, but in many places you would be entitled to half the business, child support, and spousal maintenance if you haven't worked during the marriage. The US, Canada, Australia, UK have somewhat similar provisions although how they go about it can be drastically different. Other countries vary.

[pookie]

Pookie, I felt the same way you do now. I had several opportunities to get 'revenge' and at one point almost did. I went out drinking and a friend of mine was there too. One thing almost led to another, I stopped it before it went anywhere.

 

I just couldn't live with myself if I did that, that is not the kind of person I am and trust me I felt guilt for just tossing around the idea! I still have my dignity and self worth for not stooping to his level. You would have to live with this for the rest of your life! Think about it, you wouldn't be 'paying him back' you would be allowing yourself to be used!

 

Your in enough pain, no need to add to it....

Thanks! I feel I am not alone here. Can you tell me how to overcome this feeling when I am around him then? A lot of times when I look at him I feel angry, sad and HATE. See..when he involve with this woman we were in process of moving, he moved first supposedly to arrange for my and our kids arrival. Right from the start, someone told me, so I asked him and tried my best to stop him, but he lied.. and lied.. I said alot,like beg him to stop but he denied it ever happened. He bought a new house without telling me but said for our family but then they celebrate the new house together. I didn't know any of these until later. But at that time he lied, he said he would never do anything to hurt the family and I believed him, if I don't have a clue it would be another thing. I was miserable then lived in worried and suspicious, and now all those feeling turn to Hatre. I still do things to please him so I think I still love him so, but when I think about these I mad so I need to get all of these angry out of my system, so I think if I do thing to level off with him might make me feel better about him

[pookie]

I know. I and my husband originally went to US from Asia for school, after graduated we settled down in US after that for another 20 years. We decided to move back last year, that when it all happen. We can't have marriage certificate here again, it would be duplicate. Eventhough we married, the law here doesn't protect me and kids. I can sue him but get nothing.

[doyathink]

I really can't tell YOU how to get it out of your system, for me, I totally detached myself from him. I have never been given the answers, he still lies to me about everything and this has went on for the last five years! In my case there were at least three, maybe more. We have no marriage although we are still living under the same roof, there are no feelings left for me to give but hate also.

 

My partner lies about everything, even innocent things so I never ask any questions because this just causes more confusion in my mind. We rarely speak to each other and don't even sleep together anymore. I can not forgive him until he comes clean and stops with the lies. He is also into porn and has set up online profiles on dating sites. I installed a keylogger because I knew he was up to this by the things that were stored on the computer,HE STILL LIED AND SAID HE DIDN'T DO THIS! And I told him I had the software, but he still says it wasn't him. Whatever!!

 

You have to decide whether or not you want to stay or leave, it's up to you. I too have to live with this for now until I can save up. In the meantime I am like you, I hate him, yet love him deep down. I want to rip his face off then I feel sorry for the idiot... I don't know what to tell you other than you are the only one who can make this choice..Sorry

[pookie]

You have to decide whether or not you want to stay or leave, it's up to you. I too have to live with this for now until I can save up. In the meantime I am like you, I hate him, yet love him deep down. I want to rip his face off then I feel sorry for the idiot... I don't know what to tell you other than you are the only one who can make this choice..Sorry

 

Hi Doyathink; Sorry for your pain. You did make me feel better that I am not alone and it can be worse (sorry, didn't mean to hurt you more).At least you can get out easier than me. I can't just throw everything away, at my age, and 3 kids if I am on my own I can't provide them like what they have now, they don't need to be punished for what his dad do. See this a lot of people don't understand, it would be easier to say than done, like I can go out get a job and what about I have done for 20s years just let him alone enjoy it? He might not do it again, I don't know, but I already trapped in this life. So get out when you can, faster the better (I know you didn't ask for advice I just hope that I still can...like you)

[doyathink]

Oh, I'm no young pup and I do still have one child at home so I do understand how the financial aspect can hinder a 'quick release'! This is one reason it's taken me so long.

[pookie]

Hi; Thanks for emails and insight from several of you who found out that your partner cheated on you so you go out and do it yourself. As I expect, I am not alone.... and it help (I mean go out and slept with someone else). As I mentioned before. I knew my husband when I was barely 17, he is the only man I ever been with. I want this marriage to work I just want to got him back so I can feel better around him instead of betrayed, angry, and hate. He doesn't believe in counselling and will not approve even if I try to go alone. No one knew he was cheated on me, so they look at him as good husband and left me no one to talk to. From several of these emails, ALL of them said "go out and slept with someone" would help them to stay on their marriage and they do feel better". As I said, everyday I try to be "good person, mom, wife in every situation and every way, that is how I live on, I am afraid that what I am thinking of doing will ruin me as me (confuse). And what would happen if he find out. Since I don't want relationship, should I use the escort service? Is it safe? Am I crazy? escort service??male prostitute?? I am already scare of what I would become. any advice???