Help - how do I make him understand

[LadyJayne]

I have a male friend, we are new friends, basically we have known each other 3 months now. He is a sweet guy, we have similar interests, ideally it should be a match made in heaven, and trust me he would make a perfect partner – he is attentive, sensitive, he has a cat (yeah I know that is neither here or there but thought I would drop it in) anyways…….I don't fancy him at all….not even in the slightest, in fact the thought of being intimate with him just does nothing for me…..so here is the dilemma, he wants more from me than friends I have told him just friends. Now I cannot tell him I don't fancy you…….but I don't want him to keep hoping that things will change……advice please.

[RayKay]

Well, why can't you tell him you don't fancy him, if you really don't? Sure, he will probably be disappointed, but it's better to be truthful rather than lead him on...most people would agree with this even being on his side.

 

Sometimes just because it seems perfect on paper, does not mean it will be in reality.

 

Be honest with him, and realize you may have to limit your friendship for a while, or he may choose to not be in much contact with you, so he can get over those feelings.

[brando]

be honest. It sounds like you want to keep the friendship and it may not happen if you are straigh up with him.

 

Honesty in this case is the best thing for him.

[metro23]

There is no easy way out of this, being on the receiving end of this many times, it's best to be honest with him.

 

False hope and denial is a and cutting him off with an explanation may be the best thing for him.

 

if a guy wants to start a friendship with you it's because he likes you or he is gay.

[brando]

if a guy wants to start a friendship with you it's because he likes you or he is gay.

 

 

Do you truly believe this???

[Markers]

 

if a guy wants to start a friendship with you it's because he likes you or he is gay.

 

well I'm definitely not gay and I still have a lot of girl friends.....

[LadyJayne]

I have tried telling him I am not attracted to him, this shoudl be enough. He seems to think that over time this will change. He also thinks that with the more time I spend with him then this will also make my feelings change. I keep telling him "honesty is the best policy and that I adore him as a friend and that I would love him always to be a very good friend".

 

RayKay, I think you will see now that I have been honest with him and told him that I dont fancy him in the nicest possible way without hurting his feelings. I am a nice person (or so I think) and I am very sensitive to hurting peoples feelings. I put myself in his shoes and I know if someone bluntly said to me 'I dont fancy you' if I fancy them that I would feel like crap and probably never want to see that person again for feeling like a fool!!!!

 

Anyways I am sure things will work out

[RayKay]

Jayne,

 

I don't think you need to be mean about it, but right now it's pretty clear what you are doing is NOT working, as he does seem to think things will change. That will only really make it worse on him, and your friendship. Think of it this way, there is on you now an expectation from him that things will change into romance, so the friendship is not really "pure" from his side.

 

I don't like hurting people's feelings either, but there are ways to be honest without being callous.

 

If he does continue as he is, he will continue to develop feelings, and will be even more hurt in the long run...what if you meet someone else, while his feelings have continued to build, for example?

 

You can sit down and tell him you don't fancy him, without being mean about it. It's done out of true concern, is it not? Because you don't want him to be hurt? As long as you are doing it with that intent, it will not end up being cruel.

 

And yes, honestly, he may decide he cannot be your friend because he cannot help his feelings developing, but if that is case, that is his choice, and it would be unfair to not tell him and have those feelings continue to develop without a chance of them being returned.

[Dating Coach]

I have tried telling him I am not attracted to him, this shoudl be enough. He seems to think that over time this will change. He also thinks that with the more time I spend with him then this will also make my feelings change.

 

This is exactly why I got into the world of giving guys advice on relationships. This is very common among guys, including myself earlier in life, and it needs some change. Maybe it was always like this or maybe guys just became big babies in more recent years after the woman's liberation movement, I don't know, but it seriously needs to stop.

 

A lot of guys complain to girls, "Why couldn't she just be honest and tell me that she isn't interested" but it doesn't work like that. For one, most of the time the guy still won't give up, like the guy in this story he thinks that something might change. Two, it puts a lot of pressure on women to create that kind of drama between two people, usually a friend. Who wants to pull their friend aside and say, "Hey! Take a hint! I have absolutely no romantic interest in you and I never will, EVER!" because that's about what it would take to get most guys to finally take a hint.

 

Each time a thread like this pops up, I have to remind you guys on here who are crushing on your female friend. Stop it! If you like her and you ask her out or confess your feelings (you should never confess your feelings) and she doesn't get with you then she is NOT INTERESTED no matter what the "excuse" is. You should then move on. I don't care how hard it is, because it's pathetic to keep trying, it's disrespectful to her decision, it's disrespectful to yourself because you deserve more than to hang on someone who isn't interested, and it wastes your time when you could be out meeting someone who is interested in you.

 

LadyJayne, unfortunately guys liek this generally don't take "hints" very well. You really have to be as blunt as possible. You may even need to cut contact with him for some time, tell him he needs the space to get over his crush on you. It's sounds pathetic but it's likely what he needs.

 

He maybe be decent looking, he may enjoy a lot of the things you do, but he is not a match for you and you know it even if you cannot explain it. This guy's problem is he doesn't have any self confidence or self respect. He's basically like a child emotionally. He is clinging to you seeking your approval like a child does to its mother. He's not acting as if he is your equal, and in order for two people to have a real "connection" they need to be equals. I don't blame you for not being attracted to this guy, in fact, there is no reason to be because he's not ready for an adult relationship if this is the way he's acting. He needs a wake up call. Direct him here or to some other dating forums where he can get some advice on how to grow as a person.