Need advice...

[dragonzeyez]

Ok, met someone new over the weekend on myspace, but not in person yet. Started off well, but has gotten pretty bad. The more I talked to her the more clingy and controlling she got. This is a copy of the last message I sent her on myspace.

 

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Hello again laurie.

 

Ok, if you want to talk again, I have a few requirements for you.

 

1. I need to see a picture of you. I can not build an interest in someone when I do not know what they look like. As well as a mental, personality connection, I must be physically attracted to someone as well. So before I could build anything with you I would need to see what you look like.

 

2. You kept saying "I like you" and "I will miss you" a lot. We only talked for 2 days, how can you feel that way in just 2 days? That would need to stop for a while, until we knew a lot about each other.

 

3. The phone. Where to start... Ok, I tried explaining this to you when we talked and instead of listening to what I had to say, all you did was get upset. I will explain this again. I do not like being on the phone with ANY person for long periods of time. That is just how I am. I start to feel like my cell phone is glued to my ear and I can not stand that. It does not mean that I do not like talking to you. I infact, quite enjoyed talking to you. I am the type of person where if I am going to have a long conversation with someone, then it needs to be FACE TO FACE. If I am to have a long conversation with you it has to be face to face. If it is on the phone then it must stay short. That does not mean that I did not enjoy talking to you, it is just the way I am. If you can not accept that then do not even bother talking to me.

 

4. When I say that I wanna hang up the phone, that means that I want to hang up. I do not want to do long drawn out goodbyes, or be questioned why I am hanging up. If I am hanging up, just ACCEPT it, and say goodbye, or do not expect me to answer you next time you call.

 

5. YOU MUST TRUST ME!!!!! It really bothered me when I told you that I needed to hang up with you and return a call to a friend that you immediately assumed I was trying to get myself another girl. I do have friends that are girls, and they are young, and they are very attractive. They are friends of mine, I talk to them on a daily basis. I have no interest in being with them. They are friends only. YOU NUST ACCEPT THIS. I WILL NOT BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WILL NOT TRUST ME OR GETS MAD WHEN I NEED TO TALK TO MY FRIENDS.

 

6. QUIT BEING CONTROLLING. I need someone who will accept me as what I am and not force me into doing things such as staying on the phone and then laying a guilt trip on me when it is time for me to hang up.

 

7. On the last call I talked to you on, you kept saying "I will change myself for you, tell me what I need to do, I will get better." It was something along those words, not exactly them. Ok, I do not want to be with someone who changes themself to fit my needs. If you have to change the way you are to make it work with me then it is not meant to be, it will just fall apart. I need to be with someone who will be themself around me. Period.

 

8. Last thing, like I said, DO NOT RUSH THINGS!!!

 

this is all I can think of for now. DO NOT CALL ME TODAY OR TOMORROW. send me a response here on myspace and I will message you back letting you know if I will talk to you again or not.

 

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I am currently not accepting calls or emails from her. do you think I should give her more of a chance seeing as I have already talked to her for 2 days?

I mean I definitely would not do anything rash, and if she turned out to be a bad one I would end it and move on with no problem. But I am uncertain and seek advice. Thanks.

[dragonzeyez]

I am off to work so I will not be able to answer anything you guys post until the morning. Thanks for any advice.

[DN]

I agree with the intent behind everything you said. But, wow!! - that was a harsh way of putting it. There is a difference between being direct and being aggressive.

 

Frankly, I would be concerned about her self-respect if she accepted what you said phrased like that - if she has any she will probably never talk to you again.

 

You can be clear and be diplomatic at the same time - I think you should learn that skill.

[Dating Coach]

I agree with the principals but I don't see the reason to tell her this. If she was like this that early in the game then I simply would have dumped her and moved on.

[dragonzeyez]

I should have been more specific in a what happened up to that message I left her. But to add more information, on the last call when I went to hang up, she got very very upset saying that I did not like her, I was trying to meet another girl, etc. I was not trying anything, we had talked for quite a while and I simply wanted to hang up and do something else.

[Dating Coach]

I should have been more specific in a what happened up to that message I left her. But to add more information, on the last call when I went to hang up, she got very very upset saying that I did not like her, I was trying to meet another girl, etc. I was not trying anything, we had talked for quite a while and I simply wanted to hang up and do something else.

 

Yeah, definitely would have dumped her. I don't date children.

[Tigris]

DN I agree with you it was very harsh.

 

I only hope this girl didn't have low self esteem already because after reading that I think she'll have none at all.

 

Personally I don't think she's at the stage where she should have a boyfriend.

[puppy]

I wish to add the following points.

 

(a) If the both of you have known each others via MySpace for the past 2 days, then a face-to-face meeting might not be good from her point of view, as she might be protecting herself from crazy people on the web.

 

Personally, I think your words are harsh towards this matter. I suggest you talk to her on the phone or MSN till the both of you are ready to meet. Why the rush in meeting so soon?

 

(b) This girl does show some signs of insecurity. Maybe the both of you need a better understanding about each others and then things might flow better.

 

Good luck in whatever your decision.

 

Puppy.

[shamus]

There are a lot of red flags on that message.

while i agree some were a little harsh, it seems you needed to make a strong point, so I can see why you were very firm and direct.

Accusing you of trying to get another girl? yet you 2 arent even dating, you havent met yet...hell no. And it seems she doesnt have a picture to send to you...it could be that she is overweight or unattractive, or just has absolutely no self esteem.

 

I'd just forget about this one, as another poster said, she sounds like a child. Just imagine what you would go through if you guys do get together. you'll have to give her an itinerary of your wearabouts...probably good to get it notarized as well

[SarahRose]

The message was very mean.

 

Could have just said not interested and left it at that.

[Aurian]

I thought your message was very harsh. However, she also sounds EXTREMELY insecure, clingy and suspicious... after only two days! If she is making you feel this way after two days, do NOT get into a relationship with her! Think how clingy and suspicious she'll be if you're an item!!!

[Hope75]

Wow,

 

I'm pretty sure if I had interest in a guy and he told me this I wouldn't even dignify this with a response.

 

As the others said, the principle behind what you said makes sense, but the way you said it is terrible. No tact whatsoever.

 

I would be surprised if she contacts you again after this.

[dragonzeyez]

Yes, I know I was harsh. But at the time, I was not ruling out talking with her again, and I needed to know if she could take my conditions. I had already discussed these things with her on the phone in a polite, honost, and friendly way. She totally did not care, even though I was very nice in talking over these issues with her on the phone. She would still flip out. She basically wanted me to stay on the phone with her from the time I wake up (2pm) until it is time for me to leave for work (9pm). and if I tried to hang up at any point for any reason, she would flip out and get very mad to the extent where she would scream and cry at me. I have made the decision to break it off. But I will say that with the way things had gone up until I told her to stop calling me, sending her an email that was that firm and direct was absolutely necessary. I needed to make my point clear that if she wanted to seriously meet me in the future that she would not be able to talk to me or treat me that way. keep in mind, at no point did I act rude towards her or give her reason to get upset, I was nice and respectful towards her even when she was screaming at me. I can definitely understand how harsh my message came accross, but if any of you had heard our conversations, you would understand why this degree of directness was necessary. Thank you all for your advice.

[dragonzeyez]

The message was very mean.

 

Could have just said not interested and left it at that.

 

thats my whole point, at this point i was still somewhat interested, i just needed to know if she was willing to ease up and listen to me and talk with me about these issues instead of getting mad and yelling or crying at me, I felt like I could not say or do anything without making her mad, no matter how nice I was about it.

[Tigris]

I hope the next girl that you talk to is level headed.

 

Good luck.

[Dating Coach]

at this point i was still somewhat interested

 

Lord knows why... yeesh!