just found out...

[puppeteer]

so this is my first post...quite frankly i'm amazed i found this site so soon after i found out..

 

my wife of one year, but relationship of 5 years, is now crashing down around me.

 

over the past two years she has been away at law school while i support her with my job here in los angeles...and obviously we began having some serious communication issue, all of which i thought we could work out if we spent some real quality time together....but....

 

she's been sleeping with another man.

 

i feel humiliated, emasculated and insane. i feel that the woman i have loved and cared for over the past 5 years was somehow just a figment of my imagination...

 

i have my moments of clarity..the moments when i know i have to let her go, get the divorce underway, and lead my life alone from here on in...but i want her back so badly....

 

so...i ache...

[Beyondthesea]

Welcome to enotalone friend!

 

I am so sorry that this has happened to you, and that you are feeling so unsure of what to do. It's natural to feel so wavery about the entire thing, it's scary and unreal.

 

Of course you want things back to the way they were, but do you really want her back? That's the million dollar question.

 

Will you ever be able to forgive her and trust her again? I was actually quite angry for you when I read that you've been supporting her and she's repaid you by sleeping with someone else.

 

Do you believe the relationship is completely unsolvable? How did you find out that she was cheating? Did she tell you or did you just 'find out.'

[Dako]

My first reaction is to kick her back to Venus.

 

My second, more rational one is to discuss the whole mess with her and see if anything can be salvaged from the wreckage. Being distant can play on a person's mind, and sex is sometimes merely sex.

Being cheated on is no picnic, but if she isn't attached to the guy and was just scratching an itch, it might not be the end. Only you can decide if you can get past this.

 

I hope your rage fades.

[puppeteer]

i asked her to attend couples counseling with me...

 

which she agreed to...however i didn't know that she had a motive...to break up with me in front of a referee...

 

she was not going to tell me about the affair with a fellow law student, who by the way, attended our wedding last summer...yeah...

 

i found out because after the first session where she said she had moved on and had different goals now, i knew it was just to "final".

 

so i looked into her email account..and found all the emails, the sex emails, the graphic emails of how in love they are, and what he is going to do to my WIFE....ugh...i also found the emails of them debating the best way to break up with me....

 

so at the second session, i confronted her with this.

 

it sounds so bad...and obviously all of my friends and family and her friends and family are shocked. they all feel they just don't know who she is right now....

 

her parents call me every day just weeping with the pain of this.

 

she truly has changed due to law school..however, i don't know if it's just she got wrapped up in all of it and listened to this guy a bit too much, or if the good person i married, the one that i gave so much of myself to...has just changed into a person that no longer fits who i am..and i no longer fit who she is...

 

i'd like to think that the person i love is still out there....just lost.

 

however, clearly that's just me hoping. and as everyone knows...you can't hope.

[Dako]

Sorry, guy. This must be hell.

 

You'll probably have to dissolve the marriage and recover from the shock, but you have to know you'll be better off without her. It'll be a tough few months, but you can do it.

 

Lean on folks here when you need a hand.

[yeawutever]

Dammit, sorry about what you are going through. That must feel like you were run over by a car, then at the second you get up to survice, another car runs over you, it sure does sucks. I would say do what you feel best, follow your brain. If you feel that nothing can be salvage from the marriage, thne you can get a laywer and proceed with the divorce (I would highly recommend this). However, if you feel that you are able to still work it out and still have emotions for her, then you and her must go to couple counseling and you would have to put conditions for her, she woudl have to answer all your question and you guys must also get tested for STD's. For now try refraining yourself from sleeping with her, at least not until both of you are clear.

[Relationship Coach]

I'm very sorry for what has happened but I think as you know it's time to end this. She has no excuse for her actions and it sounds as if there is nothing left to salvage except for your self esteem. Divorce her now before she does anymore damage to you.

 

RC

[yeawutever]

Does she really express regret for what she did or did she answer your questions, if not, I honestly don't see how that's gonna work out. I would end it right away if I were you, kids or no kids, dealbreaker.

[puppeteer]

as i said...right now we live a few hundred miles apart...

 

to answer your question....no we haven't really talked about anything at this point...

 

we went to a therapy session, i confronted her...it ended..

 

i haven't heard from her since. i assume she must be grieving to some degree...but i am not sure that we are at the point where we can really communicate in a healthy manner...

 

i'm very sad....but for me right now...i dunno if i am ready to make any huge decisions until we talk more...it just doesnt make sense to me to just write off someone who i love so deeply, even though i have been hurt as bad as she could hurt me...

[NJRon]

This really sucks. I have been through a divorce and... emotionally detached as it was, it still felt crappy. Separate your emotional self from you TCB self. Do what you got to do, even if it is a haze of disbelief.

 

Write it off... they can always come back afterwards, but, even though you don't know it now, you will porbably feel much different later. Move along friend. You have a whole group of people who are willing and wanting to help you through the emotions, but you have to take care of the physical yourself.

[Entomon]

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time in your marriage. It seems she has already replaced you. No amount of begging and pleading will make her stay. In fact, it only proves your weakness. The more you hang on, the more distant she'll become. Your marriage cannot be saved evidenced by the other man in her life. And if it can - can you live with yourself without carrying a chip on your shoulder?

 

You've hurt enough. Let her go. She wants to be let go. No need to salvage something that can't be salvaged. This closing chapter of your marriage really is a new beginning for you. It's a time of rediscovery - who you are and what you want out of life from here on forward.

 

Best of luck. We're here for you.

[JenJohn]

I'm sorry for the loss you are feeling and the betrayal your wife put you through. But to me, I always think that when someone in a marriage begins to stray it's because there's some underlying problem in the marriage itself. Now I'm not blaming you for anything. Maybe she was just immature or easily influenced? Maybe traveling was too stressful? Maybe the money became an issue? I don't know.

 

But with that said, if she did stray because of some marital issues that she wasn't happy with, how would you have preferred for her to handle the situation?

[puppeteer]

i just dont have an answer to that right now...

[Rabican]

 

i'd like to think that the person i love is still out there....just lost.

 

however, clearly that's just me hoping. and as everyone knows...you can't hope.

 

i think the person you loved checked out the minute they began that affair... Good luck to ya. Move on, and find yourself someone better next time.