My husband is leaving for a week

[sdblue]

Just a few days ago I found out my husband had an affair on me. It was 5 years ago, a year before he became ill and lost his job, so the last 4 years I have been taking care of him and he kept this a secret from me. He would have never told me, I don't feel. But my own sister told me that he admitted it to her last year, and she did not want to add any more to the load I was already done carrying with him being sick, children, and household respons. She did not want me to mention her name to him, so I had to make up this bogus story as to how I found out. Finally he admitted it and told me everything, and the same story he told me was the same story he told my sister. He was planning on leaving me and my two kids for this tramp but she would not leave her hubby. She has been divorced 4 or 5 times. I have been married to this man for 20 years and he has done little things over the years that I over-look and forgave him for, but this is one thing I cannot over-look. I have filed for divorce and he is having a hard time accepting it. In fact he has been really worrying me over the way he is acting. He says that he is angry because I won't give him a second chance. Well, he wasn't going to give me a second chance 5 years ago, he was going to throw everything away including his children for that tramp. All he does is follow me around, he has broke dishes, etc, broke a wishing well outside. Yells. I'm the one that has the right to be angry. He even got a gun and was sitting on the back porch the other night holding it, and finally I talked him into giving it to me. He is leaving now for a week to give me some space, so I can sort things out, which is good I need him out of my face, but I have made my decision a man that could keep something a secret like that for 5 years, cannot be trusted. I'm not hurt I'm extremely angry and disappointed. I just want some peace and happiness in my life.

[Meow18]

I agree. You even had to force it out of him. What else has he kept from you that you don't know about?

 

If you feel like you just can't get past this and forgive him, then I think you need to separate from him. You can't have a healthy relationship when there isn't trust, honesty, and you have something like this hanging over you. If he thought about leaving you once before for some girl, how do you know he hasn't thought about it again?

 

Maybe you could try couples counseling? But of course, how will you know if he's being completely honest?

 

He made a big mistake, and unfortunantly, this might need to be the consequences that he has to deal with. You should never stay with someone just because you are worried about how they are dealing with it. He is an adult and can take responsiblity for his own actions.

[Hope75]

The part about this that disturbs me the most is the fact that he brought a gun into the house after his other tactics weren't working to get you to change your mind. You have 3 children in the house-- no matter what he was thinking, simply bringing a gun into the house and sitting there with it is pretty scary....in times of extreme stress like this the fact that he even considered using or having a gun... he could have killled you, or the children. It happens.

 

Before this happened I would have said 20 years and 3 children is a long time and alot invested, and would have suggested couple's counseling. However, the gun changes everything for me. I would throw him out and I would also contact the police and let them know about this incident. Does he have family? I would let them know what's going on too. The more people that know, the better off you are, in case he decides to come back with another gun. This is very serious. Please don't undersestimate this incident. You read stories in the paper of whole families being shot to death over a divorce... when the shooter has no previous history of violence.

[Shadows Light]

SDBLUE....

 

Before you found out about the affair... how was your relationship with him?

 

The affair was 5 years ago, and while it doesn't excuse what he did... how was your relationship with him in those 5 years.

 

You said he lost his job, he was sick.. you carried him basically for the past 5 years. Has he been able to get back up on his feet? Is whatever illness he had better? Is he now gainfully employed and providing?

 

What I'm getting at is... that the relationship sounds like it was in trouble WAY before you found out about this affair. Might you and your sister been talking about your relationship and she decided to give you the WILD card? Meaning... your sister found out a year ago and she didn't say anything... why? And under what circumstances would he admit to your sister last year?? why would he do it? Did he want to get caught? Did he want a way out?

 

I'm asking these questions because from personal experience... my marriage was in the toilet. It had been for a long time. I kept putting a band-aid on it for so long.. and I was at wits end in how to fix it anymore. Resentment build and build from carrying HIM and the relationship for so long. And then ONE day.. the ACE in the hole plopped right down in my lap. I remember that day well.. I thought I couldn't be so lucky. It was like winning the lottery. Thats when it hit me.. I was looking for an excuse to get out for a long time. Here it was.

 

My "X" carried on like yours did... very much so. Wanting that second chance.. wanting to and promising and bargaining. But when you are done... you are done.

 

The best advice I can give you is hang on.. its gonna be a bumpy ride. Seek counseling when you need it. And stay close to family and friends. The severing of a 20 year relationship is akin to amputating a limb. Hang in there. Life is too short to be bitter, resentful and not feel good about your relationship. Things will get worse before it gets better.

[Shadows Light]

The part about this that disturbs me the most is the fact that he brought a gun into the house after his other tactics weren't working to get you to change your mind. You have 3 children in the house-- no matter what he was thinking, simply bringing a gun into the house and sitting there with it is pretty scary....in times of extreme stress like this the fact that he even considered using or having a gun... he could have killled you, or the children. It happens.

 

I AGREE... even if he is trying to scare you with it.. its menacing and threatening. A form of BLACKMAIL. Give me what I want... and I'll settle down. Its manipulation. And Scary at that.

 

Hope is right... desperate people do strange things. I would report the incident. Where is he going for a WEEK???? Will he be with people???

 

If he brandishes that gun again... call the police. If he threatens suicide or even alludes to it... call the police. Protect yourself and protect your children.

[Beyondthesea]

He even got a gun and was sitting on the back porch the other night holding it, and finally I talked him into giving it to me.

 

Whoooooooooooooooooooa! While he is gone, I would get a restraining order honey. He is dangerous!

 

Glad to hear you are filing for a divorce!

[Bethany]

I think maybe he was showing you his state of mind over what had happened by the gun thing. Maybe if he had been found to have pills or a piece of rope, you would feel different.

 

The affair was years ago and admittedly, it's horrible to have lived with that lie between you but here on ENA, sometimes we also advise NOT tellning the injured partner because it was over and they have learned from thier mistakes. I think you are making him pay twice for what he has done, I'm sure he feels enough guilt to sink a ship right now

 

Also, I think that you have to consider your children in all of this. Are you sure 100% that you could, with time in and when you have calmed down, that you could forgive him? I think maybe you should think long and hard before breaking up a family through a stupid mistake he made years ago and you should used this time apart to ponder these questions, rahter than acting rashly and out of anger.

[Beyondthesea]

What's really pushing me for the divorce side, is that he would have left had his mistress not refused to leave her husband. Then, you had to start looking after him so he stayed?

 

Sounds more like he stayed for convenience's sake.

[Hope75]

I think maybe he was showing you his state of mind over what had happened by the gun thing. Maybe if he had been found to have pills or a piece of rope, you would feel different.

 

While this is true, the likelihood of what could have happened while he was bringing a gun into the house is alot different then a rope or some pills.

 

This recently happened about 5 miles from my house. A man and a women were married for 19 years and she filed for divorce over an affair that he had. He had no record of violence or crime, and yet he brought a gun into the house and he shot her and himself. They both died. He wrote that he couldn't imagine living without her-and that he didn't want to live knowing what he had done to their marriage.

 

I don't think we should undermine how dangerous and serious this was.

[Bethany]

I think it was for himself, not others. Maybe even contemplating his own life and mistakes. I'm not knocking the seriousness of a gun, but he was on the porch alone and just holding it.

 

Someone who shoots his wife and then himself like that, has mental problems, not a broken guilty heart. Maybe his wife wanted a divorce because he was mental and was afraid, and who can blame her?

 

Walking away from a 20 year long marriage needs to be thought upon rationally and with time, every stoned uncovered and everything thought about. I would maybe even seek marriage counselling before even contemplating hurting my children as much as he has hurt me. After being married with children for 18 years, thats my opinion anyway.

[Hope75]

Bethany,

 

I definitely can see your point of view and respect the experience and knowledge behind it. I agree that 20 years is a long time. There is alot of history and emotional and financial investement there. They have assets, and children together. Other any other circumstances I would likely agree with you 100% that they should further investigate the cause of the infidelity, seek counseling and try to get past it- as I mentioned in my first post.

 

I just don't think someone who is mentally balanced brings a gun into the house and sits there with it, after begging and pleading for his wife to reconsider. First, he knew his wife would see him with the gun, and not knowing his intention, whether it be to harm himself or the family, that it would bring fear into her heart and manipulate a response from her. It's entirely possible that he only meant to harm himself. In the house, where their children live. Still not indicative of a mentally stable person. Still dangerous and something that would change the lives his family and scar them forever. But... we really don't know what his intent was-- only that he brought a deadly weapon into the house where the family lives, and openly sat with it so they could see him in this state. The potential was there, and for me, that is enough. That risk to my children would be enough.

 

Perhaps in this story of the family nearby me that I referred to, the man did have mental problems. However, his family, friends and co workers had no knowledge of it and all stated that he was a genial, productive, dependable and well-liked guy. Friends who knew the couple said they seemed very stable and well liked. They had grown children who reported no problems that they knew of between their parents. I'm just saying that in situations of extreme duress such as this, the very thought of bringing a gun into the house followed by actually doing it is quite disturbing and dangerous.

[Shadows Light]

Someone who shoots his wife and then himself like that, has mental problems, not a broken guilty heart. Maybe his wife wanted a divorce because he was mental and was afraid, and who can blame her?

 

I beg to differ Bethany. There are many crimes of passion where a spouse will KILL over being left behind. Or.. the thought of.. "IF I can't have her.. no one else will." All broken hearted stories and yeah.. MENTAL. Perfectly normal sane people can FLIP on a dime and commit the most heinous of crimes.

 

He brought the gun out, laid it out in plain site. It was an act of manipulation. Instilling fear into his wife and his children. Playing up the drama.

 

I don't care who it is... when you have someone who is NOT thinking clearly and a GUN is brought to the table. I think its time for the police to get involved.

[Bethany]

I'm not sure anyone should write off a man who has made mistakes and lost his wife through those mistakes as a raving lunatic who might kill her. I think thats unfair as we were not there.

In any case, after 20 years of marriage I'm sure she knows him better than anyone and I'm sure she would leave with her children immediately if she thought hers or her children's lives were in danger.

 

I know of a man who heard that his father had died, went into his garage and tried to hang himself. If he had a gun, he might have picked it up instead. It doesn't make him a lunatic, it makes him extremely lost, overwhelmed and incredibly sad.

 

SdBlue if you REALLY are afraid that he may use the gun on you or your children, then please leave immediately.

[Hope75]

I don't think we are saying he is a lunatic. I believe what I said is that he is a broken-hearted, stressed-to-the-max man who wants his family back, and since his regular tactics didn't work, he took it to the next, and dangerous level. Someone can be pushed to the extreme in these situations and do something that is totally out of character for them. I suspect in many cases this is what happens. Does that make him a lunatic? Not necessarily. Does it make him a desperate man who would do anything to end what he perceives as unjust suffering? Yes.

 

All I said was that the potential was there, and that was enough for me not to want to risk my children's safety. Of course the OP knows best and she may disagree- I can only say what I would do in a situation like this.

[sdblue]

When I first saw him sitting there with the gun, it scared me to death, but he had been sitting there for a while with it before I came out onto the porch. If had really wanted to shoot himself he could have done that way before I got out there. He wanted me to see it, so yes I feel he was doing it to get his way. However I did not make him any promises just so he would put the gun away, I just told him we needed to sit down and talk rationally about things. Two days later I took him to the Doctor to be put on anti-depressents.

Yes, I realize that we have been married for 20 years and have alot of time invested. But he has done little things behind my back before, I forgave him and moved forward.

But the last 4 years I have sacrificed alot for this man, I have taken care of him through his sickness, I have always supported him, in everything. He point blank told my sister, he thought he had fell in love with this woman and if she had left her husband, that he was going to leave me and our 2 children. He told my sister that he had to tell someone that the guilt was killing him. Well, guess what??? He just killed a part of me. I feel the only reason he did not leave me then was because the tramp would not leave her husband. Now, he says he realized after it happened that he was not in love with her and that it was wrong, not what he told my sister.

It doesn't matter now, I cannot and will never trust him again, especially after all the little things he done before the affair, the affair just put the icing on the cake.

Me and my children deserve better than this, I waited on this man hand and foot even before he was sick, I done my wifely duties if you know what I mean, I cooked his meals, washed his clothes, seen to his every need. When trust his gone, nothing else matters. I cannot even stand to look at him, and everynight before he went to his brothers he wanted to have sex with me, sorry if I'm getting to personal. This may be 5 years ago to him, but this all new to me.

He has problems, a few years ago he even wanted me to have sex with another man and let him watch. I guess I'm telling too much, I'm just trying to give you all an idea of what I have had to put up with. When I was 8 months pregnant with our first child I got our phone bill and he had been calling 1-900 sex numbers, trust me the list goes on and on. Little by little he has worn me down, used me, until I feel there is nothing left of me.

[Hope75]

Hi Sd,

 

This is indeed alot more than just a single incident of cheating. I can see why you are really struggling with this. Putting aside the issue of the gun (because you already know how I feel about that... Do you honestly think that you would be able to let all of these things go in order to pursue a healthy, respectful marriage? Could you honestly ever trust him again? Do you think he would work to earn back that trust? It seems all these actions have culmintated in what you have before you now. Once that much damage has been done, and that must trust has been destroyed, I find it difficult to believe the marriage could be saved, unless both of you really wanted that, were willing to seek counseling, and work together to get through it.

 

What do you think?

[sdblue]

Hi, I think at this point "Damage" is a under-statement. There is a saying "To thine one's own self be true"

And it this point in my life that is what I'm going to do. Had he came to me when the affair first took place, maybe and I'm saying just maybe the marriage could have been saved. But Trust and Honesty is a big thing for me. Repeatedly this man has gave me countless of reasons that he cannot be trusted.

I don't feel that the marriage can be salvaged, no matter what a counselor says I will never trust him again.

Too much has happened, and I will not be submit me or my children to this again.

The only thing I feel right now is "Rage" A part of me would like to beat the sh.. out of this woman and him too for what they done not just to me but my children and that is one thing you do not do is mess with my children. But then a part of me says "They Are Not Worth The Sweat Off my Fist" I honestly don't know what they deserve. He told me yesterday that he did not deserve me, well you know what finally he told the truth about something.

Am I scared about the divorce??? Sure I am, this man has been a part of my life for 22 years. But life moves on, and I have to move on this relationship is no longer healthy for me. I know it will not be easy, but hey I have bascially for the last 4 years of his illness been on my own anyways. I have done all the yard work, bill paying, grocery shopping, taking care of the kids on my own.

I really felt he believed that I would do like before over-look it and forgive and move on. Obviously he under-estimated me.

 

Thankyou all for your support in my very time of need

[Hope75]

Hi sd,

 

I would be inclined to agree with you in this situation.

 

What is your next step? Will you file for divorce?

 

What about the children? Is he a good father to them? Do you plan to split custody down the middle?

[Hope75]

sd,

 

I guess I should have done more research before responding to your post- because after reading your other thread I see now that you were unfaithful as well...

 

 

 

Me and a person I dated many years ago got back in touch, he is divorced and has been for 13 years. It first started out as talking on the phone, than the next thing we met out for coffee, then we got physically involved. This person makes me feel alive something that I haven't felt in a long time. We can talk to each other about everything, something I haven't had with my spouse in forever.

 

This does not really change my opinion that it is the right choice for the two of you to separate, or how dangerous your husband bringing a gun into the house was....

 

 

However, it does paint you in a more innocent light that you neglected to disclose that you were also unfaithful. You were so angry and upset that your husband cheated on you and kept it from you... and yet you did the same thing to him yourself- what makes that ok?

 

My fault for not reading your past threads before offering my time.

[sdblue]

I was not unfaithful until I found out what he done to me. I never desired to be with another man the whole 20 years of my marriage. I even talked to a preacher about this whole thing. He told me that 5 years ago when my husband done this, He gave me the walking papers to do as I choose. This other person has been through the same thing I have went through so yes I'm talking to him. I have been a good wife to my husband and I feel very unappreciated.

But, I have decided just to be friends with this other person for the time being until I get everything resolved.

[Bethany]

Oh, thats very interesting.

 

Have you told your husband that you have cheated on him? Revenge doesn't seem a good reason to hurt someone even if they have hurt you.

 

If you have told him, does he think of you the way you think of him, with anger etc? Do you feel any guilt? The same guilt as he feels? The oen that makes YOU sit on the porch with a gun? There are lots of things you should think of before you blame him entirely. By the way, I think your preacher was out of line.

 

I also wonder who intitiated the contact betwen you and this other man, as it all seems very convienient timing.

[Hope75]

Well, I guess my question to you now, is if you knew about your husband's affair, rather than stooping to the same level yourself, why not separate from him and file for divorce?

 

His cheating does not make your cheating OK- the right thing to do would have been either to try and work things out with him, or walk away from him and file for divorce.

 

How does your cheating help the situation?

[Shadows Light]

SDBLUE...

 

A person can take only so much. I'm not going to judge you or condemn you for seeking comfort where it can be found. It's all well and good for the "RULE" book to say... 'get out of one relationship and heal.. before endeavoring on another relationship'.. however, we are human..and inclined to human error.

 

As I said in my previous post...the way I read this incident, you'd found out about an infidelity that your husband had "5 YEARS" ago.. and it was icing on the cake. Like you'd won the lotterly. "I couldn't be so lucky." You'd been putting into this relationship and put into it for years, why? because of the children, because of the family, because of society and church. And what were the gains on your returns? When you reach the point of diminishing returns... you start thinking in how to cut your losses.

 

You ask yourself the question.. can I honestly live the rest of what life I have the way I have been living it?

 

NO.

 

What is the possibility that he will change? ehhh you know the answer to that. how much more are you willing to give and invest in this relationship? Sounds like you are just about DONE.

 

When you are done. You are done.

 

The cumulative damage that he has done to you.. really hasn't anything to do with.. "THE TRAMP".. he made those choices. He is the one with the commitment to you. Place the blame where it truly belongs. HIM.

 

I'm glad you took him to the dr's to get him on Anti-depressants. He needs it. He's rocked his world and is now paying the consequences. He's still the father of your children. And no piece of paper is truly going to ERASE him from your life. You'll both have to find some happy medium to get along in years to come. And that comes with time.

 

Be kind to one another as you exit this relationship. If not for each other... for your childrens sake. You made those kids out of love... make sure you treat each other respectfully for your kids sake.

 

You'll be ok.. give yourself time to settle down with your decision. Seek counseling for yourself when the going gets rough.

 

Love and light.

[sdblue]

Thankyou Shadows Light, thankyou for not judging me. No one but God knows what I have been through with this man. Let me share just a bit with what I have had to put up with and I have forgave and went on and I'm sorry if I offend anyone or if I'm being to graphic. First thing he done during our marriage, this was before our children was born, he showed some nude pictures of himself to my sister, which like to have killed me and you can imagine how embarrassed I was. Then he made advances towards one of my best and closest friends, and things were never the same between her and I again, not because I did not believe her, it just made things very uncomfortable for us, but somehow I forgave him for this. Than when I was 9months pregnant with our first child, he was sneaking and calling 1-900 sex phone numbers and got our phone bill so high that the phone got disconnected. Once again because of the baby, I forgave and went on. Then years later on down the road, a year before he became disabled and lost his job due to his illness, he has an affair with a married woman and was going to leave me and his two children for this woman. He confessed all of this to my sister, because he said the guilt was killing him. So I took care of him for the last 4 years due to his disease and he confessed all of this to my sister about 7 months ago. And I just found out last Sunday night, I more less tricked him into confessing to me without involving my sister, and he finally told me that he confessed to her. So yes I feel like I have been used, betrayed, took advantage of and this man who is my husband says he loves me. If that is love well than I want no part of it. I loved this man unconditionally, gave my entire life to him and this is what I get??? No, it was wrong for me to turn to someone else, I did not do it to get even, I was hurting so deeply inside, and God knows I still am, Will I ever be able to love and trust fully again, maybe with counseling I can. And yes I do want us to end things peacefully and I want to be able to get along for our childrens sake. If it wasn't for my children and God I do not know where I would be right now

[sdblue]

To answer Bethany's question about the guilt. At the present time no I do not feel guilty maybe in time I will. But right now I feel to many other things to feel guilty. I'm not perfect. And as far as him sitting on the porch with a gun, he was I feel doing that to manipulate me into getting what he wanted. He has got what he wanted from for years and then some. I'm tired and worn out with everything that he has put me through, and yes I'm telling him that I have met someone else.