Is There Life After Limbo?

[Donster]

Hi swtsmr,

No, I don't have to see my ex. But, I am passing through my old home for work, and there are some social things happening that weekend where a lot of friends whom I miss will be present at. Because our lives were so intertwined for so long, a lot of these people are mutual friends, so if I see A, B, and C, I will likely see eX and Y as well (pun intended).

 

I've exchanged a few emails with the ex lately. He knows how I feel. I am ok seeing X. But just not okay seeing X+Y together. Months ago, seeing a picture of the two of them together set me in a foul mood. How would I feel seeing them in real life? I don't know. More time has passed, and feelings have lessened. But they are still there.

-----------

On the lighter side of things, I am still so amazed by the twist and turns of life. The ex, who at some point thought he wanted to be single, was alone for basically a day and found himself running into the arms of another. And as for me, the one who had always held being in a relationship as being the most important thing in life, I am finding myself rather enjoying single life and the unique challenges and opportunities my current status affords me.

[Donster]

So I was back in Boston a few weeks ago, and, as I expected, I saw my ex together with his new bf a couple of times. Going into the situation, I didnt know how I would feel or react. Mind and logic do not always go hand in hand with heart and feelings, and although I am, and have been mentally prepared with the fact that they are together, as a couple, and that I would see them, I really had no clue how I would actually react or feel by seeing them.

 

I don't view the new guy as a rival. That would only be the case if I wanted the ex back, which I don't. If anything, he is the one who is constantly having to wonder about the shoes he is trying to fill, and whatever memories and feelings the ex may have that he has to deal with. And none of it is my concern. I saw him, gave a polite hello, but I didnt really have much else to say to him.

 

The surprising thing was that I was the same with my ex. We made some small talk. But I really had nothing to say to him. And, like the last time I saw him, I again felt absolutely nothing. And again, I don't know if it was a defense mechanism kicking in, to protect me from having to feel anything, or whether it is healing.

 

But what did become very clear to me during this most recent trip is that our lives have become entirely divergent. Part of it is me living in a different country. Part of it is me being still angry about all the BS I was made to go through at the end of the relationship. And part of it is that I feel like I have now properly left the ex behind. Mathematically speaking, his life is still going on the same linear path that it was on before, although he substituted a couple of variables (new bf, new flat). Everything else is the same for him. And for me, now that I am free from the linear track that I was on before, I'm free to live my life on an exponential curve, freer, faster, and more open than I could have ever imagined.

 

In short, I feel that I am changing. But is it harsh of me to not really care so much about what is going on in my ex's life? And although I know he still cares a bit about what is going on in my life, is it harsh that I feel like I don't owe him any details or explanations about my current life? I think from time to time that he really would have had a lot of fun here in London, or rather, we would have had a lot of fun together here. But I wouldn't be here if we hadn't split up, and I don't think it's my job to allow him to live vicariously through me in any way. Choices were made, and his choice was to not be with me any more and just like I wasn't willing to hang around and be his insurance policy, I also don't see how a strong friendship can be maintained.

 

I recently met a fellow who is my age and who was also in a 14 year relationship that ended a few years ago. I heard about some of the pathology in that relationship, but what struck me is that they still talk regularly, and they even took a holiday together recently. But the difference is that even though they split up and live in different countries, I sensed in my conversation that there is some hope from both sides that they will get back together again in the future. I don't have this hope or desire any more, and perhaps that is what makes the difference? Because when there is hope, then there is some extra effort that one makes.

[swtsmr93]

I am very glad the meeting was not hard on you! It sounds like you handled it perfectly and walked away feeling really confident. I cannot imagine it going much better!

 

I do not at all think it is harsh to not share details of your life with someone that is no longer really a part of your life. Even when we want might want them to know how things are going or how they would like to know something or even want to participate, you are taking care of you and your life. I tend to think of it as people do not get to have it both ways: know the details of my life and not be in it. I do not know that this is a great approach though because it sort of seems angry and if you don't play with me I'm going home!

 

It's interesting you mentioned the defence mechanism. I don't get that sense at all. I get really caught up in those thoughts and then gauge if my response was correct or not! Even if it were, it was what you needed at the time and I think that's even better.

 

Are you interested in pursuing a relationship with the guy you met?

 

I am envious of your progress but also happy for you--even though we obviously don't know each other! Odd how that works but I am glad you provided an update.

[Donster]

So this weekend marks the anniversary of 1 year of being single. I left a voicemail with my ex the other day to wish him a happy anniversary. Am I twisted? Slightly. Do I truly wish him a happy anniversary? Yes.

 

Although it has been 365 days, hardly a round number, a year is a good time to think and to reflect on life.

 

Like the 14 years that I was coupled, this past year of solitude has flown by, seemingly in the blink of an eye. And the old adage applies. Time does fly when you are having fun.

 

Over this past year, I have done the following, none of which I would have ever imagined to be possible in my previous life:

 

*I have traveled in 3 different continents, and by the end of the calendar year, I will have been in 4 continents, encompassing a total of over 40K miles of air travel.

*I will have visited 10 different countries, and dated guys from over 12 different nationalities, and made friends with people from even more nations.

*Slept alone most nights--and have been OK doing so, whereas a year ago, that feeling would have felt so strange and foreign..

*Seen and experienced more of the world than I have in all my previous years put together. Although I don't regret my previous life, I used to think "YES, this is what life is all about!", and now with my more wide-awake eyes, I can say again, "YES, this is what life is all about". [This is a weak analogy, but I feel a bit like the blind prophet Tiresias from Greek mythology, who the gods transformed from man to woman for 7 years, and thus he was able to experience life from two perspectives]

*Gone to zero weddings.

*Have banished all the dark thoughts, feelings of depression and despair, and poor self esteem that I had become enveloped in over the years, and which clouded both my thoughts and my vision towards the end of the relationship.

*Have experienced many days, and even weeks, without having thought about my Ex at all, or caring about what he is doing, or who he is with. (In short, I am living a very anxiety-free life. It's amazing how much anxiety he caused in me, and the insecurity I felt based on his behavior. I am so glad to be free of that. I can breathe freely and walk tall once again). This, if anything, has been the greatest gift that the breakup has given to me: Peace of mind, calmness of spirit.

 

So where does this leave me? Here's what I wrote in the blog portion of an online dating site where I have an ad:

 

What am I looking for? What a good question. I've gone out on dates where this has come up, and it hasn't been easy to come up with an answer.

 

I've been single for exactly a year, after having been in a relationship for 14. So I've seen the grass on both sides of the fence, and I can honestly say that it is equally green on both sides.

 

Am I enjoying single life right now? Yes. Do I want to be in a relationship again? Yes. But when? And with whom?

 

Right now, I am enjoying life and everything that life has to offer. I'm exploring more about the world and learning more about myself than I have ever thought possible. Do I want that to end? No. Would I like someone special to explore with and share that with? Yes.

 

But having been in a long term relationship, I am wary about losing myself in the relationship. I'm happy with the identity that I have created for myself, which was so different when I was part of this couple that everyone thought of as a couple, rather than as a union of two individuals. And I am wary of losing that individuality. And I am also wary of losing the spark of spontaneity that I am enjoying so much with my present life.

 

And so here I am, caught betwixt and between. I think my present strategy is quite sound: I'm going to live life as fully as I can, and enjoy my own company and personal development as much as I can, and to see and experience as much of the world as I can. Alone. But at the same time I will keep an eye out for that special someone who will challenge me, and make me rethink my strategy, who will make me think more about "us" and "we" than about "I" or "me", and who will have a similar strategy and view of life, who is also waiting for the right guy to enter his life, and to alter it, in ways that neither he or I could never have imagined. This is how magic is made. And if you think you're the one who will make magic with me, send me a note.

 

And that really does sum up where my life is today quite well.

[Coyote9]

It's indeed heartening to see how far someone can come in a full year....I'm looking forward to the next 200 days to get me to that point of feeling like I have my life back and more!

[Donster]

A quick update. It has been a while since I have posted. I have been busy with work, busy dating. Basically just living life. And loving life. I've been happy with the direction my life is going, content with the state of my daily life, and OK with the past that I have left behind.

 

But today I cried for the first time in ages. The last time might have been 8 months ago, or more. Long ago enough that I've forgotten what it felt like. I had no reason to cry. No reason to feel vulnerable. No reason to feel upset. My breakup was just over a year ago, and I have barely cried since the day I decided I had had enough. In fact, I literally danced for joy on that day.

 

But I had been feeling for several days now that I needed a cry. Emotions were building up, and I didn't know what to do about them. But the tears wouldnt come. And yes, they were related to a guy I had met, but I couldnt figure it all out. I've dated plenty of guys, but there is something different about this one.

 

Part of how I have protected myself following my breakup, and a reason why I feel like I have been able to stay strong despite the pain and vulnerability I had experienced, was to put a shell around my heart--a hard protective layer to prevent any pain from getting into the soft, vulnerable interior. The problem with having such a shell around my heart, is that I dont let anyone in. And I also don't feel anything. thereforeeee no pain, but also no love. It allows my physical and mental beings to continue with what they need to do, but at the expense of my emotional being, which stays locked up, walled off, and sealed away.

 

But there's something about this guy. He has chipped away at the shell around my heart, allowing my emotional being to see the light of day, and is awakening feelings that I haven't experienced in a long time. And my mental and physical being doesnt know what to do about it. I was afraid, and my body just felt like it needed to cry.

 

So today I went to St Paul's Cathedral for their Evensong services. St Paul's is a huge cathedral by the Thames in the center of London. It's a touristy thing to do, and it's the only time of the week you can get in for free, with free entertainment from the choir to boot. I'm not at all religious, but I do like exploring churches, looking at the art, and learning about their histories. It had been on my to do list for some time, and having free music to listen to was a bonus. And I felt like I needed some time alone.

 

As I sat surrounded by tourists, listening to the voice of the choir echoing through the cavernous hall, tears started falling from my eyes. The music was beautiful, though I couldn't make out the words. But I thought about this guy, and many of the others I have met over the past year. I've been lucky to meet a lot of good people who have been very good to me, both in my time of need, and as I have begun the new chapter of my life as a singleton. But none have touched my heart as this one has. It scared me in the beginning, but I realize now what the feeling was. I was starting to fall in love again. And it made me afraid.

 

My ex's mother had recounted a story once from one of her friends, who was a divorcee. Now well into her 60's, this friend just wanted to experience the feeling of falling in love again one more time, before she dies. Is love something that precious? And if so, why am I walling off my heart to prevent love from reaching it? And if it's at my fingertips, why am I not allowing myself to reach out and touch it, to experience this gift again?

 

I managed to suppress most of my tears during the service. But towards the end, as the sound of the organ resonated through the hall, I had to get up and leave. So I found a private spot on the grass in the churchyard. And there, I wept.

 

I wasn't sad. On the contrary, there are too many positive things happening in my life right now. Work is going great, I'm thriving in my new environment, I have a lot of new friends, and I met a great guy. But I wept because this guy had managed to figure out how to get through the shell around my heart, which I had begun to fear would eventually turn into an empty husk. He did it by showing me every nook and cranny of his own heart, offering me nothing but honesty and tenderness, opening up the world of his insecurities and vulnerabilities to me, and accepting me for who I was, with all my own flaws and insecurities. The last time I hugged him, I felt like I was going to cry, but the tears didn't come, and I couldn't fully figure out why I felt the way I did in the first place. Now I don't know what will happen the next time I hug him or hold his hand.

 

And so, while seated in St Paul's, I experienced a renaissance, a rebirth. A different me emerged from the doors of the cathedral. One that's not afraid to let love enter his heart, and who will give his emotional being as much attention as he gives his mental and physical being.

[beebee]

has it been a year don?... wow... life does fly by doesnt it?...

 

i couldnt be happier for someone like you...

 

be well and happy...

 

God bless... beebee

[tiredofvampires]

Donster, it will be 6 days until a full year for me.

 

You have accomplished so much in a year, I feel in some ways I wish I knew your secret. I would not say everything is "great" yet, but I feel the light coming through the windows slowly.

 

I decided I would not date anyone or look for a replacement for the man that made me give all the things you were given, in the beautiful and tender relationship you describe. I think he has walled off his heart just the same way...I probaby will never speak to him again, at his own choosing. It is very sad, but true for him, this:

 

The problem with having such a shell around my heart, is that I dont let anyone in. And I also don't feel anything. thereforeeee no pain, but also no love.

 

I think that that had happened to him LONG before I reached his shore. By the end, I was starting to crack through that heavy casing, but in terror and benighted lack of faith, he rushed to wall up the feeling of the walls coming down.

 

Your story is so resonant and deeply registered, here. Thank you for your exquisite writing. It's rare for me to see another poster who puts so much of himself/themself into writing, both in quality and quantity. Thank you, I feel less alone today for reading this.

 

I'm glad for you, but sorry for me that you have been away so I have seen little of your posts until today. I got to this site about 7.5 months into my grieving, still flailing about. I was on a treadmill of anguished self-doubt, self-blame, and the gaping sense of disbelief that he was gone. I had to come here to share my "insanity". I am glad I did and will post at exactly one year from that horrible day.

 

What I'd like to know is, how you got to feel the same way for another partner after such a love affair with that one. As much as I can't imagine going backwards in time to be with him again, there are nights I admit, that I still cry, even his name. Thinking back to the time when I believed we could still make it, the times I cried when we were together and could look forward to the hope the next day that we could right the wrongs and change course. Now, I just cry because I miss his spirit, his mind, his soul. He did terrible things, but he is someone I just can't stop loving, and I KNOW that he was propelled by something lower than who he really is and could be, which were marvelous indeed; and though I have amazing other friends and know there are others out there, even 6 days shy of one year exactly, I secretly shed tears because of how he let me in where he had let no one, just for that brief time.

[Donster]

Thank you Beebee and Tiredofvampires, for your nice comments. I'm still processing my thoughts and feelings, and the new love that I feel developing and deepening with this new beau. Strange but true fact: we've only had 4 dates so far. But you just get a feeling about someone. The shell around my heart cracked open after date 3, and I had my little epiphany. Now the shell has all but disappeared after date 4, and I feel free to both give from my heart, and to be receptive to love again. Right now, I also feel like I am waking up and opening my eyes again after taking a long nap. What a strange feeling. But I feel like I am at the beginning of yet another chapter of my life.

 

TiredofVampires: I don't know the full situation of your breakup, but it sounds like you are still somewhat stuck. We've all been there. The last bit that you wrote is key, in my mind, to getting unstuck.

 

he let me in where he had let no one, just for that brief time.

 

There was a great post from Melissa1144 on this thread from 10-04-06. It was about how some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It's very true. Her post helped me a lot in making sense of things. Sounds like you shared a great love with someone, who for whatever reason, built a brick wall around his heart after letting you in for a while. Sounds like you appreciate him for what he was, but you then have to realize that perhaps he was only ever meant to be part of your life for a brief period of time. But obviously he has changed you during that brief time. And you have probably changed him as well.

 

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer y ou sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

 

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

 

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

[tiredofvampires]

There was a great post from Melissa1144 on this thread from 10-04-06. It was about how some people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. It's very true. Her post helped me a lot in making sense of things. Sounds like you shared a great love with someone, who for whatever reason, built a brick wall around his heart after letting you in for a while. Sounds like you appreciate him for what he was, but you then have to realize that perhaps he was only ever meant to be part of your life for a brief period of time. But obviously he has changed you during that brief time. And you have probably changed him as well.

 

Thank you for this, Donster -- I still have to finish reading through so many posts here. There is so much wisdom in what others have learned, and can pass on. I have read the "Reason, Season and Lifetime" piece before, but it is very much worth revisiting now, so thanks so much for posting that. Yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I am a bit stuck, still. And for the life of me, I am not sure why. I think it's not so much that I can't accept love into my heart or give love...but simply that what I experienced was so supremely rarefied in ways, I feel it's a bit like I'm not sure how to imagine feeling the same way again. I wonder which came first for you: finding someone who roused these feelings again and revived your heart in ways, or feeling that your heart was receptive to "breaking down"? I would like to think that after a year, I am open because I am simply open -- not having to wait for some enchanted moment for someone to wake me from this spell of doubt and misplaced longing. I feel that I am longing for something that has transformed already and is no longer what it was, but my memory system is lagging behind this understanding. You are SO right though, that he changed me. Even though he did so by breaking my spirit in ways, and I allowed the penetrating criticisms and unloving behaviors that were happening as it degenerated to dictate this last year's thought process. I love what you said about change -- I do believe that as nasty as things were at the end, and how needlessly attacked I felt, and how gratuitiously I felt his insecurities destroyed what could have been, I do believe that rupture as well as our rapture sent me on a course of self-understanding and healing. And I believe even though he rejected me, I hope anyway...that I planted something of value in his mind and heart. He was with 21 women before me, all of whom but for 1 of them he dumped, and I truly thought I'd be "the last and the lasting" for him, based on the romantic hyperbole that was heaped on me from the beginning. It's so hard to think that maybe I was just another number for him and he is no different than before I came along, but you are right that no two destinies can cross without forever changing eachother.

[tiredofvampires]

By the way, I stand in awe of your resiliancy. We are at about the same timeline after the breakup, but yours was a 14 year relationship. I cannot even talk about multiple years. You must be a very strong person at heart, but also I think being emotionally "available" to yourself in times of need, even while having a protective side as well. Your heart seems a good balance of vulnerability and also good stewardship, and I totally tip my hat to that. What an example for all!

[Donster]

Ugh--I have now gone full circle in the cycle of life. I have gone from dumpee, to dumper. And I feel crummy about it. I'll write more in the near future once I have time to absorb and analyse all that has happened. But in the meantime, I will continue to feel crummy.