resolve weakens without warning...

[joyce1412]

man. this moving on crap is god. damn. hard.

 

you know, in the past couple of days, i've been so proud of myself. i had a rough week last week, saw the ex and it was awful. but the last few days i thought, "you know...i just don't care." i didn't care about what my ex was doing and my mind wasn't wandering toward getting back together. i had resolved to not care about anything in his life in an effort to concentrate on ME. i took my friend's words to "think not about reconciliation, only of separation." i thought i was finally headed in the right direction, because i was finally starting to feel SICK of being consumed by thoughts of him.

 

i made some other steps toward recovery as well. i vowed to take a definite break from our mutual friends and from doing any kind of checking up on info that might pertain to him (for example, reading our friends' blogs, which only very occasionally drop little bombs of information, but i still thought it would be a good idea to stop.) i told my friends not to give me any more hope about getting back together, they're no longer even allowed to talk about anything related to us "getting back together." in fact, i've barely talked about him at all. i thought it would be a good idea to put the overanalyzing to bed if i want to move on.

 

but tonight, of course, i got a little lonely, and again he's all i can think about. i know a lot of it is just missing a relationship and everything that goes with it--the sex, the companionship, the high self-esteem, the security. but i miss him, too, and the little things specific to him. he was my first truly serious relationship, so it can be hard to separate the feelings of missing things any guy could provide...or things ONLY HE can provide. and tonight it's hard for my brain to even make that distinction.

 

he was my lover and my best friend. even though i've found since the breakup that he is not everything i thought he was, and in fact has some definitely jerky tendencies...i still care, and i'm still filled with longing.

 

what is my true self, and what are my true feelings? that i'm glad he's out of my life? or is that just a lie to make myself feel better? i can't say that an entire day has gone by without me having at least one reconciliation fantasy.

 

thoughts are appreciated on this.

 

 

 

another terrible, sick thing--his band's song hits the radio in a few months, and there are legitimate chances he could skyrocket to fame and i could be reminded of him everywhere i go. i honestly wish i had never met him.

 

does anyone have any advice on dealing with an ex with a certain amount of fame, local or, dare i say it, national or international?

[Goldfish6888]

Joyce

 

I know it's tough. My friend split up with her ex over commitment issues - he said he didn't think he could EVER commit to her.

 

She proceeded with NC. He wanted to remain "friends!" but she said "no way". 10 months passed - they did accidentally bump into each other - she was cool calm and happy ( a facade because as soon as he left, she burst into tears) But she remained STRONG!

 

He had tried to contact her with a long distance phonecall from Chile (He is a professional sportsman and quite well known - so similar to your circumstances - in that every time she saw a match being played - she saw him on TV!) but she never took the call. She just took the chance to move on. 10 months later, he sent her a birthday card. Then he texted her mobile saying he wanted to meet. Well it's one year later and I'm bridesmaid at their wedding in August.

 

She said to me those 10 months were hard. But she remained strong. She took the chance to try and get over him. On talking to him, over those 10 months, he found he was moving back towards her.

 

He compared other girls with her. He found the freedom he wanted wasn't what he really wanted.

 

There is a lesson in this story. That IF the feelings between you were genuine - let love go and it will come back to you. If it doesnt come back to you - it was not genuine and thereforeeee WORTH LETTING GO!

 

I hope this helps......(I'm also going through my own heartbreak aswell!)

Hugs Goldfish

[kadvati79]

man. this moving on crap is god. damn. hard.

It surely is. Most people simply don't deal with it. If you are a regular on this site, which you are , I believe that shows you have a tremedous strength because you want to deal with it. You want to recover. You want an authentic recovery, you want an authentic (yeah, its my "word of the week).

 

you know, in the past couple of days, i've been so proud of myself. i had a rough week last week, saw the ex and it was awful. but the last few days i thought, "you know...i just don't care." i didn't care about what my ex was doing and my mind wasn't wandering toward getting back together. i had resolved to not care about anything in his life in an effort to concentrate on ME. i took my friend's words to "think not about reconciliation, only of separation." i thought i was finally headed in the right direction, because i was finally starting to feel SICK of being consumed by thoughts of him.

Thats good, thats progress. You are pushing yourself, but remember... ambition and expectation are different. You need to have an ambition to get better, but beware of expectations. This is not about a timetable, this is about getting throught the process naturally. So don't set expectations ("I am over him"), set ambitions ("I am going to get over him"). Dwell on facts ("I am someone"), not feelings ("I feel like someone").

 

but tonight, of course, i got a little lonely, and again he's all i can think about. i know a lot of it is just missing a relationship and everything that goes with it--the sex, the companionship, the high self-esteem, the security. but i miss him, too, and the little things specific to him. he was my first truly serious relationship, so it can be hard to separate the feelings of missing things any guy could provide...or things ONLY HE can provide. and tonight it's hard for my brain to even make that distinction.

I think you're so close to a "revelation" in your head, but you keep walking around it, maybe even a little scared for anything like that to happen. I just get the feeling your answers are on the tip of your tongue, from your writing. he is all you know quite in this way, its only natural that you will rationalise that only he can provide these things. Don't beat yourself over that, you feel this way, and its okay. Its natural, its normal. This is you recovering. Pain is part of healing. Relapse is all part of this. You mention self-esteem. This is your biggest "homework" at the moment, you need to build your self esteem back so that the next stunning man to come along will be able to see the real and full you.

 

he was my lover and my best friend. even though i've found since the breakup that he is not everything i thought he was, and in fact has some definitely jerky tendencies...i still care, and i'm still filled with longing.

I want you to read what you wrote above... Yes you felt he was your lover and best friend, but he wasn't what you thought he was. Remember, just because he wasn't a good partner doesn't mean you shouldn't have loved him. Those feelings are not mutually exclusive. Its okay to still love him, that natural, of course you still do. But keep in perspective how he acted since the breakup. From what I remember, he was seriously involved in some congitive distortions. Really, he doesn't sound like the man you thought he was. You made excuses for him, because you love him. You miss who you thought he was but even if he was at your doorstep now, the happiness would be shortlived.

 

Yeah, this is painful. I can count a few times when I just wanted to douse myself in petrol, hop on my motorbike, and ride it into a retaining-wall at 300km/h... But that was simply a short-term response based on me not coping. Your loneliness is "healing pain". You are healing. But you are hurting too. Yes, you love him, and slowly you need to keep pushing yourself to let him go. Just as much as you can, each day. But don't beat yourself up when you retreat to fantasies of him.

 

what is my true self, and what are my true feelings? that i'm glad he's out of my life? or is that just a lie to make myself feel better? i can't say that an entire day has gone by without me having at least one reconciliation fantasy.

Man, people still joke around with me about my analogy I use about my feelings: "I am more 'over the place' than a box of cornflakes opened in lower-earth orbit". My feelings have been going crazy, like a gieger counter next to some plutonium. But you know what? The other day I looked in the mirror and I saw two things.... 1) I have a great body. 2) I have depth inside that body. And life felt good. Not manic, not crazy, but good. I felt good. I felt promise. But more than anything else, god I felt strong.

 

...and there are legitimate chances he could skyrocket to fame and i could be reminded of him everywhere i go.

Legitimate chances? Look, you have plenty better things to worry about other than legitimate chances. I think its not productive to worry about "might be's", particulary ones that are entirely out of your sphere of influence.

 

i honestly wish i had never met him.

Haha, I hear you there. But this is you growing. This is you living, searching, for who you really are. It suchs now, because you haven't found it. But when you do, it will have with it a tremedous sense of value. Here's a quote from St Augustine:

 

Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.

does anyone have any advice on dealing with an ex with a certain amount of fame, local or, dare i say it, national or international?

I pretty well known locally (notorious maybe?) and while that attracted my ex to me in many ways, it didn't keep him around. It comes with its own unqiue problems and its awesome for a little bit, but VERY quickly you find that nobody knows the real you. I can't remember the last time I made a new real friend. All my friends are people who knew me before I am what I am now. Dating is hard. Its very hard. I don't really know what my point here is, but I suppose I am saying is not to make assumptions about how much he will "enjoy" fame (that may never happen) and how bad it will be for you.

[joyce1412]

goldfish: thank you. it's simply good to know that someone cares enough to respond to these things i post. on these stark, lonely nights, it's really uplifting. your insight about the "famous exes" was nice too.

 

icemotoboy: thanks again so much. i take to heart your insights the way i would a close friend. you've got a good head on your shoulders and i 100% recognize and appreciate it.

 

i am definitely concerned with authentic recovery. i believe a lot of my intial "recovery" was based on the wrong things. i became TERRIBLY concerned with how i looked and with getting as many dates as possible to make my ex jealous. and a lot of my self-esteem was based on, "well, he's going to regret it and come crawling back." i was confident in that to the point of being downright pompous about it. and my friends did a lot to reinforce this belief. i figured out soon enough that i could NOT base my happiness on things without permanence or things that might not ever happen. as much as humanly possible, i want to be happy and remain happy no matter what comes at me--whether my ex has loads of fame or meets a stunning new girl, i need to be okay. sometimes i even imagine in my head that his life is going devastatingly well, just to prepare myself if such a shock were to come at me.

 

i have had some progress, and am definitely working on the self-esteem angle. see, my self-esteem problem is not in the looks department. i feel fine about that. it's how i live my life that i feel insecure about. i don't have many passions, maybe not any, and i have no idea what i want to do with my life. i would love to have some direction so i could at least focus on my career or path in life. i thought my summer job would help me along in this process of figuring out my career, but it has done little except show me yet another path i am NOT interested in. it's very disheartening. i think i also have problems with self-image, and being "myself" at all times. and is "myself" even someone who is likeable? i truly wonder sometimes, and i wish i didn't have to wonder.

 

i agree, he is certainly not whom i thought he was. but i still cannot deny that he brought a lot of great things to the table that are hard to find in another. not impossible, but hard. i wish he weren't at all special, it would make life so easy right now!

 

thanks for your input about the "fame" stuff, i was wondering what your take was on that. i know it doesn't "mean" anything in the grand scheme of life...but right now i just feel that i couldn't take it if i heard his song everywhere i went, or saw whom he's dating in the press (i kid you not, with a band of their projected status it isn't improbable). it would be especially hard to see his career success since i'm still stuck in college, living the student life and wondering where the hell my life will go...not to mention remembering the "glitzy" life i could have had with him. lame, i know. my friend's input on this is that i must "transcend" whatever exciting stuff happens in my ex's life...easier said than done, but i see his point.

 

thank you again icemotoboy. here's hoping the grand revelation will come soon.