Can I make contact now? (long)

[LL1979]

hey all. I've posted my story on here many times before, to be honest I'm not doing so well at the moment and I wouldn't mind reminding of the right things to do from here. If you'd like to read about a long complicated mess, you've come to the right place! thanks again for all the messages, this website has been a pillar of support.

 

 

Before I met Caroline my longest relationship was only a few months. I was 26 when we met last year, she was 18. We went out for 9 months, her younger age kinda offset my inexperience and it worked great at first. Then I suppose it got to the point where I was in uncharted territory, relationship-wise. Naturally I fell back on previous experiences to guide me. I'd come on too strong too early in previous relationships, so I thought it was wise to keep calm and collected to make sure this girl stayed interested in me. And I felt so sure I had her completely - I knew by the way she looked at me that she loved me. So I didn't wanna scare her off. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

 

After 7-8 months of a problem-free, loving relationship a friend of mine "prompted" me, after talking with Caroline.

 

"hey man, have you told her you love her yet?"

 

...and I replied "no not yet"

 

"well do you love her?"

 

"yeah I really do"

 

"well hurry up and tell her.. (wink wink nudge nudge)."

 

So I knew something was up with Caroline. I had a few opportunities around this time to say the magic words, laying in bed etc...but each time I got nervous and tongue tied. I found out later that she had the same problem. I'd never told a girl those words before, see. I didn't know what her reaction might be. Fear of rejection I suppose. Fear of not hearing those words echoed. So I hesitated. Around this time I sensed distance in our relationship for the first time. She'd cancel on me, make half- * * * excuses, etc. Her behaviour was getting erratic.

 

After a week or so of turbulence, Caroline phones me up and suggests we "take a break"

 

I got confused. She seemed set on me from day one till now, and all of a sudden she wants the dreaded "space" So I thought the only thing I could do was give her exactly what she asked for - we agreed on a week of space.

 

Around this time I was in increasing contact with her Aunt (her main guardian), who practically wanted me to propose to her niece all along. I found out that Caroline was crying for two days since we broke, saying "why hasn't he called? he doesn't love me!". I couldn't take any more so I called and we met up, and talked about things.

 

She said she wasn't getting what she wanted, and I said I thought I was making her happy. As we were parting I told her I loved her. But she didn't say it back.

 

I called into her next evening and took her out to dinner. She finally told me she loved me. I stayed over and things seemed better in the morning. I sent a huge bunch of flowers to her a couple days later. Things were looking up.

 

But when she called me to thank me for the flowers, she said she'd kissed a friend of hers the night before they arrived. She called to my house and we talked.

She was in tears when she asked

"is this it then?"

I replied

"is that what you want?"

 

"no"

 

"me neither, I can forgive a mistake"

 

So we patched it up. But the turbulence continued. It only lasted a week or two more, when she cancelled on me again and said "maybe we should just break up"

 

I got angry and slammed down the phone. I left it for a couple of days and felt bad, so I went to meet up with her one more time. I opened my heart, said I loved her and didn't know what had gone wrong. I blamed myself for her kissing the other guy, felt I should've given her more attention etc. Hoped to start fresh. This is where my inexperience in relationships really showed up! I was trying to be Mr.Cool while she was craving attention! If only I'd known then what I know now.

 

So I left her that day, on good terms. Her aunt contacted me soon after to see how I was, and said she'd be in touch. That was it for about 2 months.

 

 

After a couple of months, her aunt contacts me again. The whole conversation seemed to be "checking up on the ex boyfriend", but she was friendly and I was friendly. A week later, Caroline herself contacts me, first a friendly text then a phone call in the wee hours. She was crying on the phone telling me she "made a huge mistake" and that she wanted me back. Naturally I was happy but I didn't want to rush a decision about anything. I said I'd call during the week to meet up for coffee.

 

I called, and we arranged the coffee. But later that evening she sent me a text saying "sorry can't make it, got a family event, catch you again. thanks for calling" No word of any future plans.

 

So I didn't reply, being annoyed as I was.

 

About a month after that, her aunt contacts me again. She tells me that Caroline was talking to her about me, saying how great our time was together, etc, how she'd blown it. Her aunt told me that she stopped Caroline from going to coffe with me because she didn't think she was "ready". But it brought out all my pent up emotions to hear that, so I said to the aunt that it would probably be best if we ceased contact, seeing as I was merely her niece's ex boyfriend at this point. The truth was that I missed her greatly. I didn't think contact with her aunt would do me any real favours so that was my logic for cutting off the aunt. I thought maybe Caroline would contact me herself then...

 

Its been a month or so since that happened, and I have become really upset about the whole thing again. I suppose since the breakup I've been trying to give myself every chance of getting back together, even in cutting contact with her aunt, who was only ever good to me. Still not sure that was a good decision.

 

I know her kissing the other guy was just a moment of drunken madness, but the timing of the whole event was just terrible. Like many guys before me, I've realised what I had only after I lost it.

 

I've gone NC the whole way with this, and believe me it hurts. But since she was the one who broke NC first, maybe it would be ok to send a passing hello. I really miss the girl these days. I've seen a couple of other girls since but it makes me miss her more. If there's still interest, I'd like to keep the embers burning. NC has worked but its getting to the point where it feels too late, so if you've read this far, what do you think is the right thing to do? A quick hello to test the water?

 

LL

[Cute Band Rat]

Hey LL.

 

I tried doing NC for a bit. It worked for a while, but I knew I felt something for this particular guy, so I did LC. (Limited Contact). I think this was the BEST method for me.....but of course this is NOT for everyone. This was soemone I thought was done with me for good too and just last week we opened the lines of communication again (I initiated it) and who knows what can happen from here? I hope this means it can progress from here,but that remains to be seen. You may get replies saying "don't do it' or if she didn;t contact you first then it's not right. I disagree because had I stuck with strict NC, we would have NOT talked and flirted again, and I would never know how he really felt about me. I think you need to go with your gut..and do whats right for YOU.

[saltwatergirl]

My advice is to contact her. I usually advise against that, but your situation seems different. Call her.

 

Salt

[007]

Not sure what to do myself...I wonder if my ex misses me and ever wants me in her life again. All I know about my situation is that my ex has a new guy now, but at times I want to drop an email.

 

I understand your situation, because all of this stuff is so hard at times, and confusing as well. thereforeeee, I don't know what you should do.

 

It seems as though you can reach out to her...go ahead and do it, man.

 

-007

[LL1979]

Yeah. Sometimes seems like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't!!

[007]

Yup, EXACTLY...

 

-007