From being friends to now lovers..how does it work? Mystified!

[sarsapolis6]

People have told me that this transition is quite common, but they rarely tell you how a man can really set things into motion. There is a lovely lady who has been my friend for 4 years and we often go on movie dates but sometimes we'll do something different.

 

She recently has an apartment and I haven't been there yet but I will try to find a way over there (offering her a ride home tomorrow!) because she has already been over at my place during a big birthday party I held for myself. This year, she has really, really blossomed and the old feelings of wanting her as an actual girlfriend have re-surfaced.

 

Sunday is my go-for-broke day, and I have some ideas which have worked in the past with another girl I dated. Gently clasping her hand, kissing it once and then continue to hold her hand as we're walking around a park. However I am still stuck on what exactly to say to her that might lead to a make-out session. I've given her compliments here and there,(not too much) and I have touched her on the shoulders. Haven't held her hand yet but once I do maybe she'll get part of the message that I'm really interested in her.

 

So when it's time..do you guys focus the conversation on relationships, sex, without directly mentioning "I want to take our friendship to a whole new level." Or, do you casually talk about everyday stuff while holding her hand, snuggling up to her, holding her close while talking in a park, putting her hands on her shoulders while waiting in line, gently wrapping your arm around her at the movies? Thanks for your advice..I want to express my feelings towards her..in the right way.

[OceanEyes]

The only thing I can suggest here is to let things happen naturally. There aren't any 'magic' words that will automatically "take your relationship to the next level".

 

For women, it usually has to be a bit more organic. When it feels right, it feels right.

 

Do you think that this woman has feelings for you? Are there any indications that she feels the same way about you?

 

I would ask her out, have a couple glasses of wine, and see where things go.

[perfectliljewel]

go with the flow. dont plan it to much you might get disappointed if the smallest thing goes wrong. trust me my brother has been there and he got upset because someone was sitting on "their bench" i found it really funny but he didnt. anyway just go with the flow you will be fine i promice

[CluelessGuy321]

Don't go with the flow. Plan the flow to flow the way you want.

 

You need to make your intentions clear sooner or later, I think.

[sarsapolis6]

Touch her. Brush your hand against hers, or touch her cheek when you lean in to whisper something to her.

 

Besides telling her "you're a lovely woman and I really like you", I need to find out when it is appropriate to touch her in a more romantic way, because this is the barrier between friends/lovers. I've hugged her and I've put my hands on her shoulders but nothing else romantic.

 

Today I went out with her to the movies after she practiced badminton. While we sat next to each other, there were moments when she played with her hair during the movie and angled herself in a way that made me wonder "is she giving me a sign to put my arm around her?" I didn't do it, though. Also she kept her hands close to her and not on the arm rest so there was no way I could gently clasp my hand in hers romantically. I really wanted to do something because part of me felt that she was giving me an unspoken permission to put my arm around her.

 

One thing I did do was whisper in her ear about certain things related to the movie, and angled myself closer to her. Nothing happened. After the movies she walked beside me and carried her CD player in her hand, and her racket in the other. Maybe I should've offered to carry her racket in one hand and gently clasped her other hand.

[Hunny1607307342]

I know you'd rather DO subtle things rather than TELL HER how you feel, but I think it's slightly awkward if you do "suggestive" things without any words spoken. You've said yourself how confusing this whole 'barrier' is. On one hand you want to keep it, but on another you want to cross it. It's all too complicated.

 

I'm going out with someone that used to be just my close friend, and he acutally 'asked me out' before trying to do anything romantic with me. We were talking about it the other day and agreed it would have been extremely awkward if he tried to kiss me beforehand. It would have just lead to confusion.

 

Although this is just my experience, its different everytime, good luck anyways...

[sarsapolis6]

I have a final question..

 

Should men really sit down and talk to their female friends about changing their friendship to a romantic relationship? For example, during a dinner before they go out to a dance a man and a woman discuss their feelings. She says that she likes him alot, but unfortunately she doesn't want a relationship after he's told her about how much she's a lovely woman and he wants to appreciate her beauty, intelligence and personality more.

 

The bad part about The Talk is that it becomes too formal and once the Talk is over, that's IT. A Heads or Tails situation, whereas in the so-called real world a man flirts and flirts with one of his female friends until one day they make out and a few weeks later they are both in love with each other.

 

That's why it might be ideal to talk about dating, love, relationship topics during dinner but not directly declaring "I want to be with you." People have said that you will know when someone is into you by the way they touch you..and that's especially during a dance.

[Haven]

A Heads or Tails situation, whereas in the so-called real world a man flirts and flirts with one of his female friends until one day they make out and a few weeks later they are both in love with each other.

Uhm.. actually, this literally happened to me. We started out as friends, then started flirting more and more until one day we were making out and then he asked me to be in a relationship with him. It didn't last, but.. believe me, it can happen.

[sarsapolis6]

hello again..I have two extra questions before I completely call it quits on this topic.

 

I haven't made my MOVE yet, but I am wondering what a man can do to capture a woman's heart amidst increasing competition from other men? The reason I asked is because I've now received word that my lady friend has been talking to a guy from her former badminton team. She hasn't said "we're dating now." or "I think he's the one" or "I just love being around him..he's so..so..etc".

 

Even though she hasn't told me this, the warning signals are still there. Sometimes I think when women inform me of situations like these they are hinting to me that I need to step up or lose out on a great opportunity to be with her. How often is this true?

 

She mentioned the badminton guy before during a conversation..he was a "crazy guy" and so I asked what made him crazy and she kinda dismissed the issue. I'm a competitive person at heart so I asked my lady friend if I could join up for a game of badminton with her group. In her own quirky way she said that she doesn't like to mix up her friends with other friends which is kinda odd. I asked her if there would be any conflict between me and the guy. She said no. I didn't press the issue anymore so I backed off.

 

Spending time with her on Sunday doesn't work..but I have other ideas for hanging out with her on a routine basis: Teaching her how to play tennis on Saturday. Walking/jogging with her around the Lake during the weekend mornings. Poetry night on Wednesdays. We're going dancing this Sunday but it's not going to be an ongoing thing..unless things begin to develop between us. Finally, because she likes to walk and listen to her CD player I was thinking of getting her a gift certificate for the Apple Store or directly buying the ipod shuffle for her. I believe in giving someone functional gifts instead of showering her with flowers and chocolates..I simply can't do that yet.

[Dating Coach]

sarsapolis, based upon everything you've said it is my opinion that you are firmly in the "friendzone" and aren't getting out. I've been working with guys and relationships for about 4 years now and I have learned in my time that things usually follow trends. Let me explain what trends are telling me about your situation.

 

Trend one: If you've liked a "friend" romantically for a long time and nothing ever came about it, the vast majority of the time the girl was not interested and never was.

 

Trend two: If you like a "friend" and never make a move, chances are favoring that you've friendzoned yourself and killed any possible romantic feelings she may have felt by your action of taking no action.

 

Trend three: If you hang out as friends and do friend activities with nothing romantic then the trend says, you're friends.

 

Trend four: If the girl talks about other guys in your presense, the vast majority of the time she's not interested in you, but these other guys.

 

Trend five: If you are passive about your feelings and rely on "hinting" rather than "doing" chances are that passivity is a turnoff and kills any possible romantic feelings as women respond better to men with confidence.

 

Trend six: If your friend uses you as a "shoulder to cry on" then the trends show that most guys who are used in such a way are firmly friendzoned.

 

I can keep going but I think I get my point accross. If you take one trend alone it looks like there might still be a decent chance, but when you look at all of the trends and see that they all align against you, it shows with pretty good accuracy where you currently stand. In your situation I think it shows that you are clearly friendzoned.

 

You should have asked her out the minute you started thinking that you would like to date her. When you kept going along the "friend" path instead of taking the initiative down the "romantic partner" path you pretty much doomed yourself. When you like a girl, ask her out, go on a date (make sure she knows it's a DATE) and be OBVIOUS about your intentions, don't be discreet. You want her to see you as the confident man, a stand up guy who isn't afraid or ashamed of his feelings. You don't want to seem as the desperate guy who couldn't make his move until it built up so much that he spilled his guts and overloaded her with all of the cards at once. It's too much to ask of her. Here you are with all of these longstanding emotions and feelings and she could still be at the "friend" level. It's a turnoff.

 

I think you should leave things with her as just friends, but if in doing so you won't be able to get over her or will always keep searching for "signs" then you may as well get it over with so you can finally move on.

 

If you do ask her out then don't tell her how much you like her or spill your guts. Simply tell her that you guys have a blast together and that you want to take her out on a date to see if there could be more. She will give you her answer. If her response is ANYTHING other than a "yes" then her answer is a "no". If there is an excuse, then it's a "not interested".

 

The other poster is right, there is no magic words or actions that would change her answer towards you. As of now she's already placed you in the category of "interested" or "not interested". You've known her for far too long and women usually classify you in one or the other within a short period of time. Not 4 years or whatever. Her mind and her answer is already made up. You've just never asked what it was. So nothing you do now will change what that answer already is. I personally believe it to be "not interested" but if you need to know, ask her out the way I suggested. Why you ask? Well it won't change her answer but it won't make you look as needy or desperate as spilling your guts and telling her how much you need her would. If you just suggest that you two take the next step she can turn you down and you can shrug your shoulders and blow it off as "just a thought you had" but you can't do that if you say, "Becky I like you soooo much can you ever date me?" because if she rejects you then, you've already made it clear just how much you are head over heels for her.

 

Good luck. I think you seem to be a really good guy and you deserve someone who will like you as much as you like them, I just don't think she's that person. You need to find a new girl and make your intentions known from the start with the new girl. Read the link in my signiture. It will help you.

[kuys]

I'll tell you about my story which just recently happened. I was friends with this girl I liked, but didn't do anything because she was going out with someone and so was I at the time.

 

Couple of months later, I am interested again, I make a couple of innuendos, and subtle touching during the next few weeks. One night I just made a move, we start making out but we stopped. A week later, she calls me says we need to talk...I was already convinced it didn't work anyway. When we met up, she asked me if we became more than friends, would it affect our friendship, I told her I don't really keep in touch with my exes. While taking her home, I said what the hell, and made another move, we fool around for a while and she asks me where things are going...I tell her we're "dating". Right now I'm taking things slow, but definitely went from friendzone to this, it happens.

[lovesickkk]

kuys....so how did you hang out w/ her if she was already dating someone?

[ghost69]

well, good luck. you will more than likely lose a friend if it doesn't work. it could turn out for the best though. you never know unless you give it a shot.