Can anyone help a confused gay guy?

[Confusedgayguy]

I broke up 5 weeks ago and I am still not completely over it. The worst thing is the relationship was only 4 months.

 

I do not even understand why I am not over it. When we were together there was never any huge spark. I was insanely attracted to the person I was with but there wasn't tremendous connection.

 

Now that things are over I have huge regret and I can't seem to get over the breakup. I don't understand why. I think about him way more now than when we were together. This can't be normal.

[DN]

Is this the first relationship that you have had? And did the break-up take you by surprise or were you half-expecting it?

[Confusedgayguy]

no I've had several others before. I had one major breakup a few years ago and since then I haven't felt bad after any other breakups until this one.

 

The breakup took me by surprise but not completely so. 2 weeks before the final breakup he broke up with me and then wanted to get back together. I acted coldly towards him for the two weeks because I was hurt and he said he couldn't promise he would never breakup with me again but that he was going to try to make things work. Then 2 weeks later he ended it again.

[DN]

Perhaps your feelings are so strong because of the mixed messages that you seemed to have given each other. Since he wanted to get back together once before maybe you are still hoping he will want to try a third time? If so, that could be what is stopping you from beginning to move on.

[Confusedgayguy]

that could be part of it. I just wonder why I even care at all because it's not like I was so obsessed with him when we were dating.

[DN]

Any chance that a bruised ego could also be playing a part?

[Replaceme]

how old are you ?

how old is he?

[Hyperia81]

Have you tried taking your mind off of him by going out or trying something new? Taking up a new hobby might help. Its been only a few weeks but when you have an attachment to a person it might prolong your heartache, only more time can heal it. I can assure you if you keep on you will eventually feel better, But only if its what you truly want.

[Confusedgayguy]

I am 23, he is 28.

 

I think a bruised ego could be playing a part, but I have kind of swallowed my pride and I asked him to get back together a few times the first couple of days after the breakup so I don't know if it's all about the ego.

 

I've honestly tried to take my mind off him and it's working a little bit. I am going out as much as possible and trying new things. The thing is though that when I wake up and before I go to bed he is all I think about. He pops into my head when I'm not doing anything. I replay the things I did wrong in my mind. I feel guilty like I sabotaged the relationship since I started the fight that caused the breakup (though for a credible reason). I am also feeling guilt because I said mean things to him after the breakup.

[Confusedgayguy]

Is it possible that the emotional circumstances surrounding the breakup are causing me to think I was in love when I really wasn't? I just know I was genuinely very happy around him when we were together though I never felt like I couldn't live without him until now (post breakup).

[annie24]

welcome to eNotalone.

 

a question.... do you feel, deep down, that this man is the love of your life?

[PocoDiablo]

Is it possible that you set yourself up to be dumped a second time by essentally telling him "If you dump me once, you can dump me again with no reprocussions"?

 

Did you make him work to be with you the second time? Why would you let someone hurt you like that and then take them back, willingly?

[Confusedgayguy]

I don't feel deep down like he's the love of my life. But I do feel like he's someone that a) I am very attracted to physically b) very attracted to emotionally (or at least I think so now) c) very attracted to intellectually. And I could see myself having a LTR with him if this didn't happen.

 

Well I thought by being cold and standoffish after the first breakup that I was in effect making him work to be with me the 2nd time. But he took that as me not trying to make an honest effort in the relationship and that was part of the reason he broke up the second time. The other was a major fight we had.

 

I guess I let him hurt me like that because I could see why he broke up the first time. I told him I was a little depressed about how things were going the week prior to the first breakup and he said he thought that was me trying to breakup with him. A few days later when I explained I just wanted to talk out some issues he said he regretted breaking up and that he wanted to give it another shot. My way of making him work for it was that I rarely contacted him after that and he would be the one to contact me. Though when he did contact me I would still meet up with him, etc.

 

He also told me after the breakup that he has a history of ending relationships prematurely. That a relationship he had about 5 months prior to ours he ended prematurely (after 2 months) and he shouldn't have. So he said he tried to make ours work and keep it going and the only reason we even lasted 4 months was that he ignored problems in the relationship to not follow his old pattern. But I believe he has followed his old pattern.

[annie24]

I don't feel deep down like he's the love of my life. But I do feel like he's someone that a) I am very attracted to physically b) very attracted to emotionally (or at least I think so now) c) very attracted to intellectually. And I could see myself having a LTR with him if this didn't happen.

 

I think there's your answer. you like him, but know deep down that he's not the man for you.

 

it sounds like he's "good enough."

 

I have been in your situation many times, where I have mourned the loss of a relationship, but when I examined the situation more closely, I was mourning the loss of a steady saturday night date and person to go to the movies with.

 

Like this one guy I dated a few years ago, we dated a few months, didn't work out. I was really sad, because he lived very close to me, he had great roommates I loved hanging out with, and it was just fun to sit on his porch, and drink and play cards with him and his friends, and go out and watch live music together.

 

when we broke up, I thought I missed him, but in honesty, I missed his friends and roommates and having a boyfriend 1 block away more than I missed him.

 

sure, your guy was smart and funny and attractive, but if you met another guy that was just as smart and funny and attractive, you'd be perfectly happy with him, wouldn't you?

 

make sense?

[Confusedgayguy]

sure, your guy was smart and funny and attractive, but if you met another guy that was just as smart and funny and attractive, you'd be perfectly happy with him, wouldn't you?

 

make sense?

 

Yeah it makes sense. This is going to sound stupid but I honestly don't think I am going to find someone that is as good a fit for me though. I just feel like we connected so well. I am in law school, he is going to be in law school next year, we live closeby too, etc. etc.. The gay community is so small to begin with and most of the guys are not relationship oriented. It is just so hard.

 

It's just so hard because after the first breakup he said he thought he was falling in love with me. Then when I was acting standoffish to him, I told him I'm not sure I can be serious about him because he was willing to dump me so early on... to which he said he was serious about me. Then we breakup again 2 weeks later and he basically doesn't want to talk to me ever again. I felt like I was built up so much and then let down.

 

Do you think he is just not relationship material? He is 28, will be 29 in a few weeks and his longest relationship so far has been 8 months. I can't say I am doing that much better, but I am 23 and I've at least had a relationship that lasted a year.

[annie24]

Yeah it makes sense. This is going to sound stupid but I honestly don't think I am going to find someone that is as good a fit for me though. I just feel like we connected so well. I am in law school, he is going to be in law school next year, we live closeby too, etc. etc.. The gay community is so small to begin with and most of the guys are not relationship oriented. It is just so hard.

 

yes, this does sound stupid. (sorry )

 

1) America is full of lawyers! I bet that there are plenty of gay lawyers also.

 

2) if your gay community is small, you should consider moving to a larger city. or get active with the gay community in your school. get know them - network.

 

seriously, I don't think that this guy is "the best you'l ever do." and you "connected" so well that you broke up.

[Confusedgayguy]

ok ok I know how this looks. We couldn't have connected *that* well if we broke up after only 4 months, but I do feel guilty like I caused the breakups because I was the one who caused the initial conflict by saying I was depressed about some things.

 

I just have this horrid feeling of guilt, not because I did anything to him really but because I sabotaged something that made me happy. It's like, once everything was good and things were fine both in the relationship and in other aspects of my life, I had to do something to blow this.

 

Oh I forgot to mention. When we were dating he was applying to the school I go to and was waitlisted. I think part of his attraction to me was that he thought I was smart cuz I go there. I helped him write some letters to the Dean and even let him mention my name as someone he knew who was on some groups he wanted to join at the school. Then as soon as he got in he started to treat me differently, not badly per se but like he lost respect for me because he got into the same law school as me.

 

So basically the other hard aspect of this is that in a month he will be attending the same school as me As if the gay community wasn't small enough, he will be in the same gay community within my law school (which consists of about 30-40 people tops).

[annie24]

Then as soon as he got in he started to treat me differently, not badly per se but like he lost respect for me because he got into the same law school as me.

 

hm. that's not a very good sign of a connection, is it? a man who respects you less once he gets into law school?

[Confusedgayguy]

hm. that's not a very good sign of a connection, is it? a man who respects you less once he gets into law school?

 

No, it's not. Admittedly I think part of his attraction to me at first was that he thought I was smart. Both of his parents are college professors and I think he has an insecurity complex about his intelligence so he likes to date smart people (his ex is a harvard law grad).

 

I just don't know why I can recognize all this and yet I am still really sad and miss him. I know if he called me today wanting to get back together I would say yes even though I realize all of these bad aspects. This is why I am so confused.

[annie24]

I think you should avoid as much contact with him as possible. sometimes, just having 60 days of no contact can really clear your head and help you see things objectively.

 

ok, re-read your entire post, but this time, pretend that it was me writing it about some guy that I used to date. what would you tell me to do?

[Confusedgayguy]

I know I know, I would probably tell you that if you had these kinds of problems in the first 4 months that the relationship's not worth it. I just feel like I caused some of these problems partly because I didn't feel serious about him when we were dating and now that I have been without contact with him for a month I realize I was more serious about him than I thought I was. I am just trying to figure out if like you said it was just enjoying being with someone or if it was truly him that I miss... Right now I feel like it was him that I miss but maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me.