Can ppl experience "jitters" even if their not getting married ?

[syborg]

Hello

 

In January I met a girl from Philippines online and we struck up an amazing friendship, complete trust, instant "click" and we made the effort to chat almost every day.

Although we made no promises to each other or made no commitments, our feelings grew naturaly and we could tell how much we cared for each other without us even telling each other. The openess and transparency in the relationship made it feel special.

 

We spoke about meeting up for a while and I decied I would go and see her for two weeks in July. I'm due to fly out on 14th of July to meet her for the 1st time.

 

If we do become b/f and g/f, I will be her second b/f and she has told me that she may find this difficult becasuse she has never "moved on before" and has not experienced what it is like to forget an ex. (They broke up 2 years ago so she is over him). She also told me that she is scared to get hurt and sees me as her "ideal man" and hopes that when we do meet, her feelings can be assured.

 

The problem is, just this week, she seems to be acting very cold towards me. Chatting less than usual, using "im too tired to talk, can I sleep" tactics to avoid any serious chat.

She assures me she is fine and really cares for me and tells me not to worry or have any negative feelings but I know in my "gut" that something isn't quite right.

 

Could she be having an attack of the "jitters" before my arrival, the same way that married couples get all sorts of fears just before their wedding ?

I get the jitters too but recongise them and can deal with them, but could she be experiencing the same thing and not know how to deal with them ? (she is only 21)

 

I hope i'm right cos I don't wanna fly 7000 miles to find she doesn't love me or anything.

 

I hope all will be well. If things ARNT OK, id rather she tell me NOW so I can decide if going is the best idea. I ask her and she says she is just stressed out cos she began a new college course last week so of course that understandable, but, sometimes you just get this.......feeling, know what I mean ?

[annie24]

Of course she doesn't love you! she's never met you! It's not love until you've been together and know each other very well. You AT LEAST have to meet once face to face!

 

 

If you go on the trip, keep your hopes as low as possible. Have fun, see the scenery, enjoy the country, go to some mueseums. Don't expect this woman to be your future wife. Just go and have fun.

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Yes, I know what you means.

 

It is either you trust your instinct or you go there to see it for sure to confirm your thinking.

[syborg]

Well today she came home from college and came online to see me waiting for her on MSN.

She said "hi" and that she had had a bad day so I asked her what was wrong and to tell me about her day.

 

She said brb so I waited

and waited

and waited

 

20 mins later I was still waiting, so i logged into this online golf game to find out that she was half way through a tournament even tho she KNEW i was on MSN waiting to chat to her. She has done this a few times before and when I confront her and tell her how it makes me feel, she just gets defensve and tells me she needs to play this game to relax. That's fair enough so why does she not just send me a message to say "hello, im stressed out, gonna play golf then go to bed"

 

I feel like this game has become an obsession to her to the point that she thinks its more important than me. I'm the one how has spent £500 to travel 7000 miles to see her so I thought at the very least she would chat to me, or TELL me she didn't want to chat, instead of keeping me waiting and waiting.

 

Am i being unreasonable ? If it was me playing a game and a girl was on the other end waiting for me, sending messages that were being ignored, damn right id be in the s**t

[AwdreeHpburn]

sounds fishy to me too syborg - maybe the prospect of meeting face to face is a bit scarier than carrying on over the internet....

[annie24]

why don't you just ask her flat out what her deal is?

 

be like, "look, I am spending a lot of money to meet you, do you want to meet me? if not, I'm cashing in this ticket and going to go somewhere else on vacation."

 

that is what I would say.

[Keuro]

How long did you wait after she said brb?

Some people are just too addicted to games that forget about the time, but it's so irresponsable to keep someone waiting like that...

 

My bf is addicted to an online game too as well... I'm trying to not get too upset about it... but it hurts sometimes, I know how are you feeling.

I think the best is that you talk to her about it, tell her that you don't mind her playing the game but to don't leave you waiting just like that...

 

And btw I'm the one that flies to visit him as well, and he gives me all the attention I want irl... sometimes I sit by him while he's playing the game or put my head on his lap or just nap on the couch while he plays... but I'm 100% sure that if I said to do something he would do it...

 

It's all about timing and letting her know that talking is important to you, imo.

Maybe in that precisely moment she was too into the game (I don't blame her, sometimes it happens), but it doesn't mean you're not important. My bf has told me that I'm way more important than the game to him, but he cannot help it, he's addicted to the game, he even asked me once if I wanted him to quit and I of course said not, but that I didn't want to feel secondary... it's hard sometimes, just be patient and slowly try to adapt to her addiction, but don't let her treat you like she did.

[syborg]

I sat for a good 15 minutes, THINKING she was getting changed and getting some food ready, thats fair enough.

 

Its only when I decided to have a game myslef when I was waiting for her that I noticed she was playing the game too. That means she had every intetion of keeping me hanging on for 30 mins as that how long game tournaments last. When I confronted her, she got defensive, accused me of making her blood boil, accused me of annoying her, told me that she didn't invite me to play cos she didn't want me to think that she was only interested in the game, which seems SOOOO Ilogical to me. I tried to tell her how hurt i was and more to the point, if this "attitude" was hiding any underlying problems. She just used the "im tired and I need to sleep" routine.

 

I hurt her once, and I did all the making up and sorting things out. Now she hurts me (not in a major way) but she acts like its all my fault and i'm the one in the wrong annoying her.

 

She even denies doing anything wrong and thinks her actions are justified.

Maybe I should try the "taste of her own medicine" routine to see if she gets the message.

 

Its taken away ALL my enthusiams for going to see her, thats the saddest part.

[skyjuice]

Hi

Apparently that she is addicted to the game.

 

Is there anyway to talk to her while the access to play the game is not available?

[syborg]

Yes

 

she just gets more defensive, tells me that my worries are killing the relationship and tells me she if "knew" i was going to be like this, she wouldn't have gone back to college. What she means by that i DO not know

[Aurian]

I do think it was rude of her to make you wait like that. If she didn't want to talk, she should have said so, your time is valuable too. She should have let you know how long to wait so you could come back.

 

In the future, I would perhaps tell her that you dont like being left waiting. That if she isn't ready to talk, that's okay, but she needs to let you know that and when she is ready. That if she leaves you hanging, you'll wait a bit, then leave (10-15 min is plenty if you're left hanging without an idea of when she'll be back).

 

It does sound like some game, maybe she is getting scared. It really helps to talk about the first-meeting jitters. You two really need to talk about things. If she is still defensive.... I don't know, express your feelings honestly and tell her that you feel like you're not wanted anymore and that you're feeling hurt that you gone through this trouble when she doesn't want to talk.

 

I dunno, I guess I would back off for a few days since she seems to be feeling stressed out. Might do you good too, to not be chasing her.