another "dip" after so many months of progress.

[deejay74]

hi once again my fellow enotaloners. some of you may know that i have been posting here since january. my ex dumped me on december 30th.

 

i am calling out to you all again because i feel i need some encouraging words/advice/whatever. i have tried to offer my advice to some of you and i hope it helped. i know i owe a lot to many of you on here who've helped me.

 

anyway, i am not going to rehash my whole ordeal as it's been a long one. i can say overall i feel much better. i have been taking care of myself and working very hard on my "issues" that i have had. i feel a difference and some of my coworkers and friends notice a difference as well.

 

here's the deal: i must be going through another low point in my healing, i seem to have levelled off at about 90 - 95% and havent' progressed any further in a couple of months. i haven't seen or spoken to my ex since mid march and it's coming up on 7 months since the break up. i do think about her everyday but it doesn't effect me like it used to, but lately i have been really missing her. the ironic thing is, if i run into her, i would most likely avoid her because i am afraid of getting hurt of finding out information that might hurt me. so as you can see, i am not quite over her yet. what i don't really understand is, there is still a part of me that wants to get back together with her and the other part of me is beginning to hate her for the hurt that i have been through. she's not made 1 single attempt to get in touch with me and that speaks volumes as far as i am concerned.

 

she should be coming back any day now from her month's long stay in europe and i can tell my anxiety of running into her has increased somewhat. i was doing fine while she was away, but now the thoughts and feelings about her are coming back.

 

our relationship was an intense 6 months, but here it is, 7 months later and i am still posting here looking for advice and some encouragement. *sigh* i really feel like a loser at this point even though i am a different person than i was pre-breakup.

 

i feel really lonely right now. i guess it's the summer and i see all these couples and beautiful women all over the place. my birthday is coming up at the end of the month and even though i will be in amsterdam, i know i will be wondering if my ex will send me a happy birthday wish - probably not though.

 

i just want to know when she'll be out of my system so that i don't think about her everyday. i feel like a broken record because i have been asking this since the break up. i don't even feel like getting involved with anyone else because i don't feel i am ready and i honestly don't want to deal with the things that come along with a relationship, yet i want the attention and intimacy of someone who wants to be with me. does that make sense?

 

anyway, sorry for the rant and thanks for listening.

[permasmile]

Your occasional relapses are normal. It seems like you have been doing the right thing and I am pleased to hear that you have healed greatly. I think it is normal to want to be with someone, and most likely until you find your next "special someone", you will have thoughts of your ex. Being in a relationship offers many comforts.......I suspect much of you misses being with someone as opposed to being specifically with her.

 

Of course I am in an earlier stage of healing than you. However, I think the rational part of me knows I will get over this in due time. You know the same.

 

Best

[saltwatergirl]

I dont think there is anything wrong with you at all. You are missing someone who was once a big part of your life. You were hurt, but that doesn't always diminish the feelings or cause you to have no hidden hopes or go through what if's from time to time....

 

I'm no expert. I myself struggle with these things. I think really, it is just one of those things that takes time. As I said to someone earlier, you have to go through a process of unraveling feelings, and creating new "truths" for yourself. That's hard, and it doesn't just happen, even if you were hurt or realize it isn't a good situation for yourself.

 

We are human beings, and as such our hearts tend to have ideas of their own, sometimes in direct contrast to what our brains tell us. And it's normal I think to be confused and struggle with the very opposite "poles" (heart vs. brain). You may make a ton of progress, then you may digress, it's just a process of untangling and you might sometimes do or think things that are in direct contrast to what you did or thought yesterday. Like a relapse. Broken hearts are just hard to heal.

 

I think as long as you follow your gut instinct and try to always act from a place of peace and doing what is right for YOU, it will all work out in the long run. I wish it was easy and swift but, in my experience, it isnt.

 

I wish you well in your healing and I hope you begin to feel better again soon.

Salt

[Dako]

Deejay

 

I'm at 9 months and still rediscovering myself. Some of the changes have been positive and almost make the ordeal worthwhile. At 6 months, I remember some depressed days. You seem a lot healther than before, and I'm sure you'll guard your heart from risk, but you'll feel it beat again.

You can't avoid it.

[searching1951]

Hey, our time scales are about the same. In the past few weeks I had a bad relapse..lots of pain and sobbing, after 3 1/2 months of strict NC. It was my birthday and, of course, no card, and other minor rejections. I think these expectations associated with seasonal change and events (like your ex returning from Europe, etc) tend to cause us to ruminate and then we slip back. Yesterday was really bad for me, and my main problem has been extreme anxiety. So last night I tried something new: I consumed a whole large dark chocolate bar. It seems to have helped..it beefs up serotonin levels. So today, I feel pretty good..only a twinge of sadness, and no anxiety.

I feel I am back where I was a few weeks ago, steady improvement.

 

I suggest you try to address underlying physiological problems that may be causing anxiety=depression and you'll get back on track. Some suggestions: (1) NO smoking; (2) light to moderate drinking (3) eat well (4) exercise (5) Vitamins, esp C and B complex (6) Try dark chocolate (7) hang with friends who are good to be with..not all are (8) when you are up, use that time to NOT think about the useless POS that is your ex.

[Dako]

(8) when you are up, use that time to NOT think about the useless POS that is your ex.

 

That's a great tidbit. It really helps to spend your up or happy times on yourself.

[deejay74]

thanks so much for your responses! i really appreciate it. it's a relief to know what i am feeling and STILL going through is normal. it can feel isolating at times especially when none of my friends or family are going through it.

 

i guess it surprises me when these dips happen, i honestly thought it wouldn't happen anymore. especially since i have been apart from my ex longer than we had been together, and because it's been almost 4 months since last contact. and it's such a conflicting feeling when part of me still wants to be with her and the other parts are scared, mad, and afraid of getting hurt again.

 

yes rocker, i do have more ups than downs but i am quite surprised at the level of sadness that has creeped up on me.

 

searching - i have done all of what you suggested except the chocolate and vitamins. i have to admit that lately my drinking as increased somewhat, but i think it's because i have been down and thinking about my ex a lot lately. that's probably contributed to my dip though.

 

dako - thanks for your continued support as always.

 

permasmile and salwatergirl - thanks for your replies and support too.

 

it just hurts that my ex hasn't made any attempt to contact me and i thought by now she would've at least sent an email to see how i've been. i guess she really doesn't care but it would be nice to know she thinks of me with fondness.

[jman311]

Hey deejay! Long time no talk

 

I understand it hurts she hasn't made any attempt to contact you, but from what I know about your situation, don't you think for your sake that might be better? Sure it hurts, but if she contacted you would you be filled with hope?

 

We've talked some and you know some about me (funny the similarities people always share on this board isn't it). Anyhow, well, my ex did contact me a while ago. At first I was elated ... but now I'm starting to realize she does not want to get back together with me and it was just more of a "how are you doing" thing (not that I even should consider being with her! but the heart wants what it wants). And now, I have been experiencing a total relapse ... I think mostly, similar to you, because my is ex coming back into town this weekend. She has made no attempt to indicate she wants to see me when she is here, which as much as I hate the fact, really hurts me. I thought I was better off about all this until the past few days and this event surfaced (I take it back, I WAS better off). And like you the level of sadness that I feel now has totally surprised me! And, yeah, it SUCKS. I never wanted to be back feeling like this, but by allowing her to break NC I did this to myself. Damn this "hope" crap! Back to day 1...

 

But at least I know I was better there for a while, so there's no reason I can't get back to where I was and then improve from there. Same with you, just give it time. No one knows when she'll be out of your system, but don't set a deadline. Just stick to your guns and keep on living for you ...

[deejay74]

jmann! what's up? it has been a while, i thought about you today and wondered how you were. funny, you've must've picked up on my vibes or something.

 

anyway, if she contacted me would i be filled with hope? honestly, i don't think so. i may be analyzing every word but unless she actually said "i miss you and i think i made a mistake and would like to try again" i don't think i would be expecting her to get back together with me. it's easy for me to say this now, so who know's if i did speak to her.

 

funny thing is, i actually thought about a "what if" scenario if i ran into her. i think i would try to avoid her! and if she came up to me and started to chat, i would try very hard not to seem interested in her and i would give it all my might to NOT ask her about her trip and so forth, mainly because one of the last things she said to me was she only cared about herself. so why would i show concern to someone who doesn't care about anyone else but themselves?

 

i am sorry to hear about your "relapse" jmann, but from the sounds of it, you seem to have a good grip on your situation. it sounds like you got knocked back to day thirty-something and not day 1!

 

i guess we're all in this together!

[jman311]

funny thing is, i actually thought about a "what if" scenario if i ran into her. i think i would try to avoid her! and if she came up to me and started to chat, i would try very hard not to seem interested in her and i would give it all my might to NOT ask her about her trip and so forth, mainly because one of the last things she said to me was she only cared about herself. so why would i show concern to someone who doesn't care about anyone else but themselves?

 

Doesn't that suck that you have to plan on how you'd have to react instead of just being able to be yourself and not worry about it. I find myself planning my reactions as well... like some sort of stupid game. And I'm not much of an actor...

 

i am sorry to hear about your "relapse" jmann, but from the sounds of it, you seem to have a good grip on your situation. it sounds like you got knocked back to day thirty-something and not day 1!

 

i guess we're all in this together!

 

True that!

 

Yeah I have a much better grip on it than I have in the past, but I still know all weekend it'll be on my mind. If she doesn't call me I'll be upset, yet if she does call me I'll be upset too. Bah! Can't win.

[crvers]

Its only human to have relapses as you go through a difficult situation as breaking up. I just recently had one, and thanks Deejay I appreciate the private message, and for those couple days I felt that I had reverted back to when the breakup had initially occurred.

 

A person can only go so long staying strong with the struggle to keep it together. I believe over time, even as you purge yourself of the breakup, that strength becomes weakened, allowing all the emotions to grip you. But, as time progresses, those moments of weakened states diminish. Those tears of loss become fewer and fewer. And eventually the strength remains, and those thoughts and feeling though remaining, can be managed and replaced with forgivesness, laughter and in time: love.

 

From Saturday to Wednesday, I was falling apart again wondering how she was and if she ever thought of me anymore. I then did a stupid thing and tried contacting her. From that limited phone call, I realized I wasn't ready to talk to her and still haven't fully let go of the relationship. I made a mistake, but I am happy I made it because it renewed my ability to stay away.

 

I know she wants to remain friends, and maybe in time that could be a possibility. But until I am ready and willing to look past all the conflict that occurred after the failure of our relationship, any contact only decreases the quality of my life.

 

I guess the point I am trying to make is: we can be strong, we can move on, and we will get better, and sometimes the only way to do that is to hit the speedbumps straight on.